He grabs my arm and turns me to face him, much to my disapproval i do not seem to be able to stop the tears about to run down my face .
I am sick of him making me feel this way , obligated to open my heart to him , as though i owe him at least some explanation .
Is it necessary ? can't he see it , or feel it , or taste it ? with every movement , every gaze , every kiss . Can't he be satisfied by actions ? What are words ? Why do they mean so much to him ? Simple words and yet I am unabe to utter the letters .
He wants an answer to a revelation , to a confession . An answer i am unable to give . When will he understand that this game we play isn't meant to last long . He forgives , we make up then the past resurfaces : A viscious cycle of making up and messing up . How much patience can a man have ?
The words flew out of my mouth and I am not prepared to let her go , My hand still grabs her arm , these seconds of silence as her eyes defy me seem to pass so slowly , as i wait and wait for a final answer .
I won't take them back , it is impossible anyway , the truth is out there and the dices are in her hands to roll .
As much as I am afraid of the words about to come out from those lips I have craved for for so long , as much as I want to let her go and not have her answer me and break my heart , I want her as well to spill
it out , I need to know where I stand , with a woman like her , Nothing is ever sure , but I want to make
it sure , I want to make it perfect I want to burry the past with three lovely words I wanted to hear from her for so long .
And still she looks in my eyes , her own teary but never letting go of mine .
I cannot seem to speak , I don't want to , I am afraid to say harsh things , I am afraid that that tongue will just take over and like a cobra in danger bite with words , hurtful words as a way of not showing my fear .
With my other hand I push his away , fighting out of his grasp , barely whispering " let me go ".I run to my room , to my sanctuary , usually I would run to him , but now I find myself running from him .
He had joined me in the balcony earlier , gentle as always and careful with the way he acted and the words he spoke , he knew a part of my secret , they all knew a part of my secret , a small part of the endless web of complications and lies and despair that was knit through the years and that stopped its growth only with His first kiss . He also knew it was not everything that more layers were hidden and yet he proceeded by expressing his feelings , I thought it was pitty at first but his eyes ... his eyes they always knew how to contradict my thoughts . I love you he whispered as he gently brought his lips to my ear . " I love you " , I longed to hear that and the moment I did , I could not whisper it back .
How many nights have i gone and said it before falling asleep imagining he was beside me , hugging me close .
Why am I afraid ? Is it because I think of the future often , about London ? Or is it because i am haunted by the past ? Do i not exist now in this present in this moment that all my life must be related to years gone or ones to come ?
She slips away from my hand , I let her go , she never spoke the words i wanted to hear , but again she didn't deny them either .
She need her time I understand , but as I stand here , I feel like such an idiot , I need to hold her , I need to hear the words , I need her to need me , to love me .
So I walk to her room wanting to end it tonight , wanting to know , sick of sleepless nights , of games ... of waiting , but most of all , of her hiding her feelings .
He stands at my door , I am sitting on the bed , arms around my knees . I ask him to leave but instead he walks closer , his eyes speaking things I never saw nor understood . Me , linguistically skilled , how ironic .
But then again they spoke of matters of the heart and I was never one to understand when it came to that .
He sits on the bed , facing me and I position myself in a suitable manner . Not a word , I barely breath , he takes my hand , stroking my palm with his finger , and placed a small gift in it , while he stood and made his way to his own room .
I left her , but still my heart was in that room , I was so scared , so unsure , but I needed to do it ,
I needed to show her that I am a man of my word , I had promised her once " always " and that promise i tended to keep .
All i need now is rest ,perhaps my body will , but my mind won't I wonder what she is doing now , what is her reaction ? What does the future hold .
I remebered to breathe a short while after he left my room , I stared at the ring , my heart racing , I felt it would stop , that my mind was going blank and my body numb .
"Why are you doing this to me ?" was all I could think of .
I cried like never before , not knowing what to do or how to react . My hand had frozen since I layed my eyes on the ring . I realized it was time .
With the ring I hoped to show her how serious I was , I hoped to tell her what words weren't enough to tell , perhaps a ring to her was what her "I love you " meant to me .
She walks in , slowly , for a second i thought I had fallen asleep , dreaming .
She lays on the bed next to me , turning to her right , facing me .
She brushes her hand along my face , I hesitate but then get nearer and kiss her , hugging her closer to my heart .
I lose myself in his kiss , on his lips , tears still fall freely from my eyes .
He looks into them as he breaks the kiss , I know what he wants , what he needs . I hesitate for a moment ,
I take a breath , summing my courage , then kiss him again , passionatly , and between the kisses whisper
" I need you ."
" I need you "she said as she kissed me , I need you ? and what about love ?
I don't give him a chance to think long about it , not even time for him to break the kiss and look me in the eyes for a spoken confession . I plant another kiss on his lips and again whisper ." I love you ."
He grabs me and huggs me and lay me on top of him while still kissing me .
As our lips part , our eyes meet .
Does this mean she agrees , I want to ask her , but do not want to ruin this , do not want her to back off .
I caress her hair and her face and finally let out ." would you ?"
Would I ? most definitly I thought to myself , but a little teasing wasn't gonna do any harm , I just stared at him , a grin through the tears , then cupped his face with a hand and gently kissed him , his lips , his cheek , his ear and there I planted a yes ., then looked straight at him as I showed him the ring that had captured my finger , my heart , and made me his .
My body tensed as I realized the step I had taken .
Yes , it was all I needed to hear , Yes ...
I do not know how to convey all my happiness , I do not know the words that need to be spoken , I just want to be lost in her all night , every night , forever .
She tensed a bit while pronouncing the words I could feel it as my hands had found her back . Never again will I want her to feel this way , I just want her to trust me, to love me , and be with me forever .
It took me another minute to realize that I had taken a step that would change my life forever ,
but as I got lost in the moment , in his arms and kisses it didn't scare me as much , all I needed was to hear the words , "I love you " but not from his lips , but mine , only then I had admitted to myself loud and clear that there was no other fate for me but to be in this man's life , to share with him past and future , and be saved by him as many times as the past will resurface .
the end ...
I am sick of him making me feel this way , obligated to open my heart to him , as though i owe him at least some explanation .
Is it necessary ? can't he see it , or feel it , or taste it ? with every movement , every gaze , every kiss . Can't he be satisfied by actions ? What are words ? Why do they mean so much to him ? Simple words and yet I am unabe to utter the letters .
He wants an answer to a revelation , to a confession . An answer i am unable to give . When will he understand that this game we play isn't meant to last long . He forgives , we make up then the past resurfaces : A viscious cycle of making up and messing up . How much patience can a man have ?
The words flew out of my mouth and I am not prepared to let her go , My hand still grabs her arm , these seconds of silence as her eyes defy me seem to pass so slowly , as i wait and wait for a final answer .
I won't take them back , it is impossible anyway , the truth is out there and the dices are in her hands to roll .
As much as I am afraid of the words about to come out from those lips I have craved for for so long , as much as I want to let her go and not have her answer me and break my heart , I want her as well to spill
it out , I need to know where I stand , with a woman like her , Nothing is ever sure , but I want to make
it sure , I want to make it perfect I want to burry the past with three lovely words I wanted to hear from her for so long .
And still she looks in my eyes , her own teary but never letting go of mine .
I cannot seem to speak , I don't want to , I am afraid to say harsh things , I am afraid that that tongue will just take over and like a cobra in danger bite with words , hurtful words as a way of not showing my fear .
With my other hand I push his away , fighting out of his grasp , barely whispering " let me go ".I run to my room , to my sanctuary , usually I would run to him , but now I find myself running from him .
He had joined me in the balcony earlier , gentle as always and careful with the way he acted and the words he spoke , he knew a part of my secret , they all knew a part of my secret , a small part of the endless web of complications and lies and despair that was knit through the years and that stopped its growth only with His first kiss . He also knew it was not everything that more layers were hidden and yet he proceeded by expressing his feelings , I thought it was pitty at first but his eyes ... his eyes they always knew how to contradict my thoughts . I love you he whispered as he gently brought his lips to my ear . " I love you " , I longed to hear that and the moment I did , I could not whisper it back .
How many nights have i gone and said it before falling asleep imagining he was beside me , hugging me close .
Why am I afraid ? Is it because I think of the future often , about London ? Or is it because i am haunted by the past ? Do i not exist now in this present in this moment that all my life must be related to years gone or ones to come ?
She slips away from my hand , I let her go , she never spoke the words i wanted to hear , but again she didn't deny them either .
She need her time I understand , but as I stand here , I feel like such an idiot , I need to hold her , I need to hear the words , I need her to need me , to love me .
So I walk to her room wanting to end it tonight , wanting to know , sick of sleepless nights , of games ... of waiting , but most of all , of her hiding her feelings .
He stands at my door , I am sitting on the bed , arms around my knees . I ask him to leave but instead he walks closer , his eyes speaking things I never saw nor understood . Me , linguistically skilled , how ironic .
But then again they spoke of matters of the heart and I was never one to understand when it came to that .
He sits on the bed , facing me and I position myself in a suitable manner . Not a word , I barely breath , he takes my hand , stroking my palm with his finger , and placed a small gift in it , while he stood and made his way to his own room .
I left her , but still my heart was in that room , I was so scared , so unsure , but I needed to do it ,
I needed to show her that I am a man of my word , I had promised her once " always " and that promise i tended to keep .
All i need now is rest ,perhaps my body will , but my mind won't I wonder what she is doing now , what is her reaction ? What does the future hold .
I remebered to breathe a short while after he left my room , I stared at the ring , my heart racing , I felt it would stop , that my mind was going blank and my body numb .
"Why are you doing this to me ?" was all I could think of .
I cried like never before , not knowing what to do or how to react . My hand had frozen since I layed my eyes on the ring . I realized it was time .
With the ring I hoped to show her how serious I was , I hoped to tell her what words weren't enough to tell , perhaps a ring to her was what her "I love you " meant to me .
She walks in , slowly , for a second i thought I had fallen asleep , dreaming .
She lays on the bed next to me , turning to her right , facing me .
She brushes her hand along my face , I hesitate but then get nearer and kiss her , hugging her closer to my heart .
I lose myself in his kiss , on his lips , tears still fall freely from my eyes .
He looks into them as he breaks the kiss , I know what he wants , what he needs . I hesitate for a moment ,
I take a breath , summing my courage , then kiss him again , passionatly , and between the kisses whisper
" I need you ."
" I need you "she said as she kissed me , I need you ? and what about love ?
I don't give him a chance to think long about it , not even time for him to break the kiss and look me in the eyes for a spoken confession . I plant another kiss on his lips and again whisper ." I love you ."
He grabs me and huggs me and lay me on top of him while still kissing me .
As our lips part , our eyes meet .
Does this mean she agrees , I want to ask her , but do not want to ruin this , do not want her to back off .
I caress her hair and her face and finally let out ." would you ?"
Would I ? most definitly I thought to myself , but a little teasing wasn't gonna do any harm , I just stared at him , a grin through the tears , then cupped his face with a hand and gently kissed him , his lips , his cheek , his ear and there I planted a yes ., then looked straight at him as I showed him the ring that had captured my finger , my heart , and made me his .
My body tensed as I realized the step I had taken .
Yes , it was all I needed to hear , Yes ...
I do not know how to convey all my happiness , I do not know the words that need to be spoken , I just want to be lost in her all night , every night , forever .
She tensed a bit while pronouncing the words I could feel it as my hands had found her back . Never again will I want her to feel this way , I just want her to trust me, to love me , and be with me forever .
It took me another minute to realize that I had taken a step that would change my life forever ,
but as I got lost in the moment , in his arms and kisses it didn't scare me as much , all I needed was to hear the words , "I love you " but not from his lips , but mine , only then I had admitted to myself loud and clear that there was no other fate for me but to be in this man's life , to share with him past and future , and be saved by him as many times as the past will resurface .
the end ...