The Perils of Blind Dating

Robb had just reached that Zen place where all distractions faded away and he was really focused on studying when the phone rang. In fact, he'd been so focused that it had taken him a second to notice the ringing. He'd glared at it and wished he'd put it on vibrate but after that time he'd somehow lost his phone in his parents' basement and never found it because it had been on vibrate, he tried to keep it nice and loud, just in case, whenever he could.

It was Theon and so he felt morally obligated to answer it despite the fact that Theon was never conducive to studying and he had at least five hundred pages of reading assigned that week. And he might have accidentally blown two hours on Tumblr already.

He was glad he had picked up when he found out that Theon needed to be collected from the ER. He hadn't been sick just a few hours ago and the fact that he was good to go home that same night was promising but there was something about the words "Can you pick me up at the hospital?" that would worry anyone. Well…maybe not Theon's father but that was why Robb had gotten the call instead, wasn't it?

When he got there, Theon was perfectly fine. He had only needed some stitches and was, in fact, unfairly attractive for someone who had spent a few hours in the ER. He greeted Robb with a request for something to help with the headache his time there had given him but reluctantly admitted that the nurses wouldn't give him anything because they didn't want to mix something with the painkillers he'd gotten already. In good conscience, the best Robb could do was keep the car silent on the way back to Robb's apartment.

Theon had looked amused. "I'm staying here, then, am I?"

"Unless you've got some complaint," Robb answered, shrugging.

Theon shook his head. "Oh no, no. Your place is much nicer than mine. Hey, since I'm injured, I get the bed, right?"

Robb rolled his eyes. "Now you're just milking it."

Theon put his non-injured hand to his heart and glared at him in mock outrage. "Milking it? Milking it? I went to the emergency room, Robb!"

"Yeah, well, so did Rickon the last time my Uncle Brandon babysat and Rickon ate one of my mother's plants and he freaked out."

Theon opened his mouth and closed it again. "I got stitches?"

"Is that a question?"

Robb waited until Theon was situated on the sofa and he'd fixed the both of them something to eat (and thought mournfully of his poor, abandoned textbook with no one to read it) before he asked, "So what happened? I thought you had a date."

Theon laughed. "Robb, I know it's been awhile but what do you think a date is? Because let me tell you right now that it's not a magical ceremony during which no injuries can occur. And people can get injured doing a wide variety of events. Sure it's more likely if you're, say, doing eighty when the speed limit is forty-five but you can even injure yourself in your sleep if you roll over too much."

Robb flushed. Maybe he hadn't had a date for, what, three months but it wasn't as if he couldn't. He just had this tendency that Sansa called romantic, his mother called sweet, and Theon called adorable in a way that made it clear that he really meant it as a cross between hilarious and pathetic. Basically, Robb didn't want to date someone unless he really liked them and for the past three months he had been painfully aware that he only really liked one person and that person had just had what Robb could reasonably infer was a bad date himself.

Theon grinned, having an unhealthy fascination with making Robb blush. I want to see if I can make you go redder than your hair, he'd told Robb once. If Theon's extensive Facebook collection of photos of Robb blushing was any indication, he hadn't managed it yet but he remained ever optimistic.

"Yes," Robb said at last. "And thanks, Theon, I had totally forgotten what a date was."

"I'm here to help," Theon said blithely. "It's a public service, really. And your dad pays me to make sure you can function as a normal member of society."

Robb fought a smile. "You know, I might have believed you if you'd said it was Uncle Brandon."

"Please," Theon scoffed. "As if you could ever live up to that great man's example."

"Between us, I'm rather fine not trying," Robb said dryly. "But, as I was saying, most dates don't end with a trip to the ER."

Theon smirked. "Maybe yours don't."

"I'm not even going to touch that," Robb informed him, making Theon's smirk widen. "But seriously, bad date?"

Theon tilted his head. "It was certainly an interesting date. I'll probably tell the story for the rest of my life."

"Great, so you can get some practice in now," Robb said pointedly. "Theon. What happened? Who were you even out with? I don't think you said."

"I didn't," Theon confirmed. "I didn't think you'd approve."

That was almost a given and not just because Robb wasn't very happy with the idea of Theon dating anyone that wasn't him. Their tastes in women – and – men were pretty divergent. But since Theon usually had the sense not to date the ones that looked like they had a murder room, it wasn't his place to object.

"So last week when you were running around in a panic because you couldn't find some article-"

"I was not running around in a panic," Robb objected. "It's just that there were two articles I needed to read for my class and they weren't available in the class folder and I was only able to find one of them using the library resources and when I tried googling the other one all the links demanded a log-in for a university I didn't go to and-"

Theon held up a hand to stop him. "Yeah, I was there and your misadventures with academia really isn't the point here. But seriously, you know that your teachers don't actually expect you to read everything they assign, right? I'm pretty sure it's not even physically possible let alone the way to go to keep your sanity."

Robb just crossed his arms.

Theon sighed. "You'll learn. Or your psychiatrist will insist when you have a nervous breakdown finals week. But anyway, you were busy and Domeric told me that his brother had a thing for me and asked if I'd like to go out with him sometime. And I mean, sure, kind of strange his brother couldn't just ask me himself but I knew Domeric and didn't know his brother so whatever."

Robb's eyes widened in horror. Domeric Bolton was a great guy and a friend of Robb's but while Robb had never met his dead mother, the rest of the family clearly had something wrong with them. Roose Bolton was obviously a sociopath but – as far as Robb knew, at least - more in a ruthless CEO way than a 'I will make curtains out of your skin' way. No, the latter was all Ramsay. Even if no one had ever actually seen such a thing, there were someone people you just knew with.

Robb had yet to figure out if Theon was somehow lacking in these basic self-preservation instincts or if he just chose to ignore them.

"Ah, see, maybe now you're a little less surprised where the night ended up."

"Ramsay Snow?" Robb demanded. "Are you kidding me?"

"He really prefers Ramsay Bolton," Theon said mildly. "He keyed someone's car tonight for calling him 'Snow.'"

He'd keyed Robb's car – twice – for the same thing. Not that he could prove it but Roose Bolton wouldn't have quietly paid to fix the car without involving somebody else if he didn't also suspect his son. It was like how Tywin Lannister always paid for Joffrey's mishaps before crafting a new will with Joffrey in it just so he could once again remove him from any inheritance.

"I will call him Ramsay Bolton if and only if he ever actually gets his name legally changed."

"Apparently he's working on it but he keeps running into snags," Theon explained. "Probably snags named Roose Bolton but I didn't say that to him."

"Probably for the best," Robb said, "or you'd go home tomorrow and find your car keyed."

Theon shrugged. "I might find that anyway but there's no point worrying about it now."

"Ramsay Snow," Robb repeated. "What were you thinking? What was Domeric thinking?"

"You know Domeric is very fond of his brother," Theon said. "And he likes me well enough. If Ramsay liked me, why wouldn't he try to set us up?"

"Loving someone is not a reason to set them up with people if they're unsuitable for such things!" Robb protested. "It's why my father never set Uncle Brandon or Robert Baratheon up with anyone and he especially didn't set Robert up with Aunt Lyanna and he named me after the man."

"I wonder if it's two b's for Robert Baratheon," Theon mused.

Robb blinked. "What?"

"Your father married his brother's ex, Robb," Theon said instead. "I'm pretty sure that's not the done thing, either."

"Theon, Uncle Brandon kind of cheated on my mother. A lot," Robb reminded him. "And you do realize that by complaining about that, you're complaining about me being born?" And his siblings, of course, but Theon had his priorities.

That stopped him up short. "No I'm not."

"You kind of are."

"Well…God bless good old cheating Uncle Brandon, then," Theon decided.

Robb laughed and Theon looked pleased.

"When it comes to Domeric and Ramsay specifically, Ramsay has actually tried to murder Domeric," Robb pointed out.

"You know that Domeric has never believed the rumors."

"It's not rumors," Robb argued. "We visited Domeric in the hospital both times. The second time his heart actually stopped."

"You know Domeric said it was accidental poisoning," Theon said.

Robb rolled his eyes. "Yeah, maybe I'd buy that once. But twice? Really?"

"I guess Roose Bolton didn't buy that either if the stories of how Ramsay just disappeared for a month and came back jumpy mean what we all think it means."

Robb shuddered. "That family…honestly, as much as I love Domeric I could never bring myself to date him just because I want nothing to do with the rest of them."

Theon leaned in a little too close. "Do tell, Robb, what your taste in men does run to."

Awkwardly, Robb cleared his throat. "So you went out with Domeric's murderous brother."

Sighing, Theon slowly leaned back. "You are awfully quick to believe the worst of him, Robb. That isn't like you."

"Yeah, well, you might not have met him until tonight but I've had anatomy with him all term," Robb said. "And literally the entire class hates him. He's easily the best student but-"

"Is that it, then?" Theon interrupted. "Academic jealousy because you're not the best at something?"

Robb rolled his eyes. "Really, Theon? That's what you think of me? Besides, I'm not the best at anything I take with Margaery."

"Then what is it?"

"The way he studies…it's like he desperately needs to know for some nefarious purpose."

Theon laughed. "How, exactly, does one study nefariously?"

"He asks all these questions about exactly where you have to cut if you want to keep someone alive and how much pain the body can take sans anesthesia before it shuts down and what happens if an infection is left untreated for a few different lengths of time," Robb answered. "It makes everyone really uncomfortable. In fact…you remember that creepy Japanese horror movie that we watched that one time about that woman who, whenever she wasn't the only one her victims cared about, she slowly dismembered them?"

Theon thought for a moment before snapping his fingers. "The Audition, right."

"That's what I think of when I see him."

Theon threw his hands up in the air unthinkingly then winced. "You couldn't have told me all this before I went out with him?"

"Well I would have if I'd known you were considering it!" Robb exclaimed. "You'd never met Ramsay and you knew about his attempted fratricide."

"For the record, if you know anyone else who reminds you of a horror movie, even if you don't think we'd even meet, I'd like to be informed."

Robb smiled. "I promise. So in the interest of full disclosure, I've always gotten an Oldboy vibe from Tywin Lannister."

Theon squinted. "In what way?"

"I just feel like if he were ever wronged or thought he was wronged he would absolutely do something like that," Robb explained.

Theon thought about it. "Yeah, I can see that. I'm not sure I'd call that movie a horror movie, though. I mean, there's not even any killer stalking everybody."

"Abducted and locked in a room for twenty years because of something he didn't even mean to do," Robb said. "And then when he was out…how is that not horror?"

"Well it's horrifying, yes, but I'm still not sure-"

"Oh, don't tell me we're going to get derailed arguing about the genre of a movie!" Robb pleaded. "Just tell me what happened already!"

Theon grinned at him. "I'm getting to it. It was…very unusual."

"I can imagine."

"He insisted on picking me up and I thought it was kind of weird but I figured, hey, I don't have to pay for gas," Theon said.

"Or he wanted to see where you live and give you no easy avenue for escape if things went south," Robb suggested.

"Yeah, I…rather suspect you were right with that," Theon admitted, scratching the back of his head. "Especially considering…"

Robb leaned forward, putting his hand on Theon's knee. "Theon-"

Theon glanced down at Robb's hand but didn't move. "Oh, don't. This is actually a funny story but you won't appreciate it if you keep worrying about my well-being."

"Theon, if the story's only funny if I don't care about your well-being then you know I'm not going to find it funny," Robb told him. "Because me not caring about your well-being? Never ever going to happen no matter how many days in a row you wake me up at three in the morning because you're too drunk to get home from a bar an hour away."

"In my defense, that was rush week," Theon said. "You know, I don't have to tell you the story."

"At this point, I think I kind of do," Robb disagreed. "Or I'll have no choice to assume that Ramsay decided to go with a Saw theme and chained you to a wall in his basement."

"Don't be ridiculous, Robb," Theon said sardonically. "He promised me most faithfully that he saves that kind of stuff for the third date."

"The thing is…with him…I can't even tell if you're joking or not," Robb complained.

Theon laughed. "Wow, you really don't like the guy, do you?"

"And he somehow hospitalized you," Robb shot back.

Theon rolled his eyes. "So I'd never been to the restaurant before but it was sort of middling."

"Middling?"

"Yeah, you know. There was no drive-through, it wasn't a crappy diner, but it wasn't one of those places with a dress code or valet parking or anything," Theon replied. "We got some wine and when I got back from the bathroom some girl was pouring my glass over Ramsay's head."

"Well that's promising," Robb remarked.

Theon shrugged. "It's one of those things you never actually expect to see in real life. I've kind of always wanted to do that but I've never been in a situation where I felt like throwing a drink at someone was more appropriate than punching them. I always sort of figured that at some point someone would throw a glass at me but the closest I've ever come to that was Rodrik and Maron pelting me with empty beer cans when I got in their way when they were drunk."

Robb was left, as he often was when Theon casually reminded him just how screwed up his family was, not really knowing what to say. It didn't feel right to just ignore it but he knew that Theon wouldn't react well to any offer of sympathy for something that probably happened years and years ago.

"Arya threw a drink at me once," he said instead.

Theon almost choked. "What? When did this happen and why am I only hearing about it now?"

"I was in my Harry Potter face and was convinced that if I just wore the robes all the time then sooner or later I'd get my Hogwarts letter," Robb explained.

Theon smirked. "Oh, I remember that. The scar really worked for you."

Robb half-heartedly glared at him. "The scar was hardly my idea, Theon. You just kept drawing it on me in permanent marker whenever I fell asleep."

"You could have told your parents," Theon pointed out. "They'd have made me stop."

"Yeah," Robb said shortly. "I could have."

He didn't say more but, then, he didn't need to. Theon knew he never would.

"So my mother asked me to watch the pasta for a moment while she changed Rickon and so I was standing right up next to it and staring at it and one of my sleeves caught fire and I just started freaking the fuck out and almost before I knew it, Arya had thrown a glass of water at me. And then she threw another two because I was an idiot apparently."

Theon was laughing so hard he couldn't speak for a moment. When he finally could he said, "Well, I already knew your sister was a badass but I'm still dutifully impressed. I don't think that really counts, though. She was saving your life."

"Maybe not my life," Robb objected. "And that was just the first glass. Besides, you didn't tell me why that girl poured your drink on Ramsay yet."

"Well, I'm not entirely sure," Theon prevaricated. "According to him, she was an ex and they had a bad break-up. According to her, she's never seen him before but she saw him slip something in my drink and wasn't about to let that happen."

Robb's eyes widened. "Holy shit, Theon!"

Theon held up good hand placating. "I really don't know which one I believe."

"If it were me, I wouldn't even take that chance. The minute there's a risk that somebody drugged your drink, that's when you get out of there and never speak to that person again!"

"If it were you you wouldn't have even been there in the first place," Theon reminded him.

"Which is still seeming like a really great decision," Robb replied. "Please tell me you didn't leave your drink unattended after that."

"What, was I supposed to bring my drink to the bathroom with me?" Theon asked rhetorically. "I wasn't at a bar and I'm not a girl."

"I'm sure that will be a great comfort when you get drugged," Robb retorted.

"After the, uh, incident I wasn't really thirsty," Theon admitted. "Anyway, after that it went okay for a while. He seemed really interested in my family and the inner workings of my mind and I was a little put-off when he took out a notepad and starting taking notes but I guess it just means he really cared what I had to say?" Theon asked rhetorically.

"Theon, I think it means he's a stalker," Robb said flatly.

"You don't know that," Theon said easily. "He told me a little bit about his family. He kept calling himself Ramsay Bolton and his hand twitched whenever he mentioned Domeric. He almost wouldn't shut-up about this friend of his called Heke that was tragically killed in some misunderstanding with the police. He wasn't, um, really forthcoming about the details there."

"Oh my God! Theon, this isn't the part where you flee the restaurant, this is the part where you call the cops!"

"For what?" Theon challenged. "A conversation? A little bit of creepiness?"

"So at least you're agreeing it was really creepy," Robb said. It wasn't a question.

"I did mention the notepad was a little weird, didn't I?"

"That's actually not what's really worrying me here," Robb said.

"And anyway, maybe saying he was called Heke is a little inaccurate. It was his name but everyone called him Reek."

"Well that's just rude," Robb said. "What, did he have a body odor problem?"

Theon made a face. "Yeah and guess who got to hear all about the riveting tale of Reek and his attempts to smell like a normal human being?"

"Was it a riveting tale?"

"Oh, absolutely!" Theon faux-enthused. "Apparently it was a life-long problem and his mother gave up on trying to get him to smell about around the time Reek started to care. He went to every doctor he could find and started going to the really good doctors when he became friends with Ramsay. Nothing worked. He spent more on deodorant and body spray than he did on food but his natural odor just could not be suppressed. Not even by Axe. He actually wore flower crowns unironically. He started to have actual health problems from just how often he was bathing. And possibly from that time he drank a perfume bottle."

"Wait, wait, wait," Robb said. "While all of that is, in fact, very riveting – though really weird to mention on an only date – why would he drink a bottle of perfume? I mean, even if he didn't read the label probably on the bottle warning you not to do just that, there is no reason that drinking something that smells good would make you smell good forever."

Theon snorted. "Subtle, Robb. And I don't know. Maybe if it worked he was willing to shell out the money to down a bottle every day or something. Had to be cheaper than trying everything else under the sun. I guess he was desperate. He got hospitalized, forbidden from trying it again, and was apparently arguing with Ramsay about whether or not he should just give it up and accept who he was when he was killed. And, for the record, Ramsay was the one who thought he was fine the way he was."

"Good for him?" Robb said uncertainly. "Being a somewhat decent friend is one thing he's got going for him, maybe, because he sure as hell doesn't have being an in any way okay brother thing down."

"He's really creative, you know," Theon said. "Well that or crazy prepared. But I guess even if he did prepare or talk about it a lot it still takes some real ingenuity to come up with some of the things he was coming up with. He wanted to play 'would you rather' and I know that that's a little lame ice-breaker but I figured I'd humor him and it was very…detailed."

"A little lame?" Robb repeated. "You mock Jon mercilessly whenever he and I play that!"

"I would mock you, too," Theon confided. "But somehow it's not half as lame as when Jon does it. Besides, Ramsay's version was a lot of things but 'lame' was not one of them."

"I don't even want to know."

Theon shrugged, grinning. "Well in that case, after that we-"

"Okay, fine, maybe I want to know a little," Robb admitted. "Call it morbid curiosity."

"He was really detailed, as I said," Theon said. "It doesn't even surprise me to know that he's a great anatomy student. It started off pretty basic. Would you rather be in Friday the Thirteenth or Nightmare on Elm Street? Would you rather be in Saw or Saw 2? Would you rather be buried alive or given a drug that paralyzes you completely? Left to die like at the end of the first Saw or in the Cask of Amontillado? Lethal injection or electric chair? Would you rather lose a toe or a finger? Three toes on one foot and one on the other or two and two? Two fingers on the left hand and one on the right or vice versa? Killed by-"

Robb couldn't listen to this anymore. "What the actual fuck, Theon? Please tell me you didn't stay after that!"

Theon just shrugged. "What? It was all very interesting."

"Every word out of your mouth is making me think 'this guy is a serial killer'," Robb argued, horrified.

Another shrug. "Serial killers can be interesting."

"But hardly boyfriend material!"

Theon laughed. "Who said anything about boyfriend? It was one date, Robb. Surely even you aren't that committed that quick."

"All I'm saying is that if your taste in men has extended to serial killers now, we're going to have to have an intervention," Robb warned.

"Sure thing, Robb. Will there be alcohol?"

Robb gave him a pointed look.

Theon laughed again. "What? It's not an alcohol intervention!"

"Yeah but it kind of feels like it's sending a bad message," Robb said.

"I really hadn't given that much thought – or any in most cases – to his scenarios but I feel like I learned a lot about myself," Theon said. "I may have nightmares tonight but I learned a lot about myself."

"And I suppose Ramsay took copious notes about this, too?" Robb asked sarcastically.

Theon raised his eyebrows. "And just what do you think that notebook was for, Robb?"

"I give up," Robb said, shaking his head. "I just…give up."

"Sure you say that now," Theon said, rolling his eyes. "We'll see how long that lasts."

"Then what happened?"

"Well, halfway through our entrees, he just randomly started calling me Reek."

"Warning sign!" Robb shouted.

"Not long at all then," Theon said, craning his head so he could see the clock. "Like literally thirty seconds."

"Can you even blame me?" Robb demanded. "I know I mentioned that we all thought he was a serial killer before but I had no idea it was this bad."

"It was pretty bizarre. Reek isn't even a name and certainly not something I would want to be associated with so I called him out on it," Theon explained. "He pretended he had no idea what I was talking about. Or at least I think he was pretending? And he kicked me when I tried to tell him my name was Theon. Which he pretended he had never heard before."

"And then you immediately left, right?" Robb asked pointedly.

Theon coughed.

"Right?"

"Well we weren't done with dinner and there was this dessert I really wanted to try and-"

Robb groaned. "Really, Theon? Really?"

"Hey, it was a public place and he offered to pay," Theon defended himself. "Besides, I didn't have a car, remember? Besides, that's really all that happened during dinner. Well, I mean, he gave me a dog collar that had 'Reek' written on it and tried to get me to put it on but obviously that was not happening and he only made a little bit of a scene before noticing that we had an audience and suggesting we just leave."

"I would have picked you up, you know," Robb told him. "I would have picked you up from the damn moon if it got you away from him."

Theon shrugged. "I figured it would be fine."

"Well from what I've heard I'm figuring that it wasn't fine."

Theon rolled his eyes. "Yeah, maybe, but you've heard that I ended up in the ER."

"That's not even the part that tipped me off," Robb claimed.

"I was just opening the door when suddenly he shoved a wet rag in my face. I managed to punch him but I kind of hit the car pretty hard on my first attempt, hence the hand," Theon said, gesturing to said hand.

Robb didn't think he could get more horrified if he tried. But then, Theon's tale wasn't done yet, was it?

"Did that bastard try to chloroform you?"

Theon considered it. "Well, I'm not sure. I think so but I'm hardly an expert so it really could have been a number of chemicals. But yeah, he tried to knock me out and abduct me. Possibly to reenact Saw, I don't know. Didn't exactly get the chance to ask but it may come up at his trial. Or in his confession if he decides to make a deal."

"So how did you get away?" Robb asked anxiously, his eyes raking over Theon's body even though he knew that Theon was fine and obviously had gotten away or else how could he be sitting on Robb's couch right then regaling him with the story?

Theon started to answer then stopped himself, his mouth twisting wryly. "You're not going to believe this."

"After everything else that happened, I'm sure the tale of your being saved is not even going to phase me."

Theon shrugged. "If you say so. As it happens, Stannis Baratheon just happened to be eating dinner in the same restaurant at the same time. He got concerned, like you, that Ramsay was some sort of a serial killer when he started making that scene over the dog collar so he followed us out and pulled Ramsay off of me. He just happened to have some handcuffs in his jacket, I guess, and then he called the police and made me go to the hospital even though I tried to tell him that I was fine."

Robb's jaw worked a few times. "Well," he said at last. "You have a point. I would not have expected that. Why would he even have handcuffs? I mean, he's not a cop."

"Well either our district attorney has a very kinky sex life I simultaneously want to know more about and never want to think about again or he's secretly Batman," Theon said.

"Or not so secretly," Robb said. "He wasn't wearing a mask and must have waited with you for the police or he couldn't have made you go to the hospital. He seems like the kind of man who would be against vigilantes, though."

"Maybe but if it's a case of being a vigilante or watching as justice is not served literally ten feet away from you then I guess he has his priorities," Theon replied.

"That is the most ridiculous story I've ever heard," Robb said, shaking his head. "Just…completely absurd."

"And yet, I swear to you that it's all true," Theon said, looking a bit hurt.

"Oh, it's not that I don't believe you!" Robb was quick to assure him. "Especially having met Ramsay. It's just…that is so very very ridiculous. That has got to be the worst date in the history of ever."

"I can only hope," Theon said brightly.

Robb cocked his head. "Why do you want to have been on the worst date in the history of ever?"

"For one thing, do you really want to think that there have been worse dates?"

Robb sighed. "I guess not."

"And for another, bragging rights. Because as awful as all of this was, it makes a pretty great story," Theon said. "Unless, like you, you're too busy worrying about me to enjoy it."

"Well excuse me for not being amused that my best friend went on a date with a psychopath!" Robb burst out.

Theon huffed but he looked fond. "See, I knew this would happen."

"And yet you told me anyway," Robb pointed out.

Theon shrugged. "Maybe I just wanted to check."

"Well at least you're done with Ramsay."

Theon shrugged. "Oh, I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"Like I said, it was certainly the most interesting date I've ever been on. Who knows what might on a second date?"

"Oh, here's a guess: finger mutilation."

"Don't be so dramatic."

"I'm really not," Robb said. "Don't go out with him again. Don't even see him again."

"I'm feeling controlled," Theon complained.

"Don't do it."

"I may call him right now," Theon said, taking his phone out.

There was really only one response that Robb could come up with to that.

He kissed him.

When he could think again, Theon was grinning at him. That was a good sign. He hadn't so much thought about what he was doing or how Theon would react but apparently he was…open to the idea.

"I-" Robb started to say.

This time Theon kissed him.

"Don't call him," Robb said when he pulled back, a little breathless.

"Don't call who?" Theon asked before kissing him again.

Eventually, Robb had the presence of mind to say, "You did that on purpose."

Theon smiled at him. "Did what on purpose?"

"You wanted me to kiss you."

"You clearly wanted to kiss me," Theon retorted.

"You could have just said something," Robb grumbled. "Done something."

Theon just shrugged. Maybe he hadn't been sure either. Maybe that was the point, seeing if he could push Robb to react like that. Suddenly a few other strange things he'd noticed Theon doing over the past month or so were making a lot more sense.

"I had to practice," Theon informed him. "That was my first time telling the story. I can't help but think it will go better literally any other time I tell it to anybody else in the world…except maybe for Jon because he ruins everything. And Domeric because wow would that be awkward and he's just enough like you that he'd feel guilty as hell for his part in the night's events."

Robb looked pointedly at him. "Really? You don't think this story went well?"

"No, it did," Theon conceded. "But not because you liked the story."

"I fucking hated that story," Robb agreed. "But you told it fine, I think. Please tell me that wasn't actually true."

"It was all true," Theon said, looking grimly satisfied.

Robb put his face in his hands. "I don't even…"

"Hey, it's over, it happened, and that'll be one for the grandkids."

"Don't you dare tell any children about this!"

Theon laughed. "See? Bossy. But I plan to live forever so I can just wait until they're age-appropriate to tell them."

Robb wordlessly shook his head.

"Hey, look on the bright side," Theon told him. "Now, despite the fact you've clearly forgotten how to date, everything you do is going to seem not only sane and well-adjusted but downright amazing in comparison."

Robb pursed his lips, nodding. "Theon?"

"Yes, Robb?"

"If you want this to work then there's really one thing I'm going to need you to agree to, right now."

Theon tilted his head. "What?"

"Never ever compare me to Ramsay Snow ever again."

"Not even if-"

"Never."

Theon laughed. "Well, it's a high price to pay but I'll see what I can do."

Robb reached over and lightly touched Theon's arm before he stood up. "I'm glad we got that settled. I'm going to be really glad once you're feeling better. But for now, let me know if you need anything, will you?"

Theon slouched down in his seat. "Wait, where are you going?"

"I have like six hundred pages to read," Robb explained.

"Earlier you said it was five hundred!" Theon protested.

"Well now it's six hundred," Robb said reasonably.

"It's only been a couple of hours. You haven't even had another class! That isn't possible," Theon complained. He reached out and grabbed ahold of Robb's shirt.

"I'll come back!" Robb promised.

Theon remained unconvinced and didn't move.

"Theon, I need to study," Robb said. "I can even study here."

"I nearly died, Robb, and now you want to just abandon me?" Theon demanded.

"Oh, so now you nearly died," Robb noted. "Before I was just ruining all your fun by worrying about you and you were clearly fine."

"I might need therapy," Theon said loudly, ignoring him. "I promised I wouldn't compare you to a certain person and so I won't but that is certainly not good boyfriend material."

"What happened to not calling someone a boyfriend after only one date and how even I'm not desperate to commit that quickly?" Robb asked, grinning. "Are you more of a commitment kind of guy than I am, Theon? Is that what I'm hearing?"

Theon shrugged. "Well technically we haven't gone on a date yet so it's fine."

"And then we'll have to be unboyfriends after the first date until we can have time for a second," Robb said. "Assuming we're not moving too fast."

"Now you're just being ridiculous," Theon said.

"Ridiculous or not, I have to study," Robb said. He pulled on his shirt. "Theon."

Reluctantly, Theon let go. "Oh, it is most definitely ridiculous," he grumbled.

Robb quickly grabbed his book and then, on reflection, the rest of the ones he needed to read before rejoining Theon on the couch, this time sitting closer than he had before.

"You can bring all the books you like but don't think I'm going to just be quiet and let you read them," Theon threatened. "I have it on excellent authority that I am an expert distractor."

Robb leaned into Theon. "Is that so? I guess I'll just have to take that risk."

Theon smirked at him and ran his fingers through Robb's hair. That poor, neglected textbook dropped to the floor and Robb began to accept that he probably wasn't going to get much done that night.

The things he did for love.