Heavy in Her Arms
Title inspired by the song "Heavy in Your Arms" by Florence + The Machine
I really loved the concept of it and it made me think of Jack and Lacie. To me, it just fits them both rather well, both so tied together and drawing life from the other, but toxic to each other at the same time.
Long silken black hair swayed around orchid ruffles, bows, and lace of her dress as she walked up the stairs of her tower, no, her prison. As long as she stayed in this tower, or on the Baskerville land, she was allowed to move, this raven with clipped wings. Perhaps it was better, protective in some ways since the world was never very kind to a "Child of Misfortune." Most days the young woman did not mind her cage, but at this moment, it felt suffocating. Her delicate, lithe, sprite like body hid so very many things behind a strong and unmovable posture with head held high. Lacie's pointed shoes clacked lightly but with a distinctive sound over the polished stone stairs, full skirt swishing at her ankles, her thoughts swirling around in her head like a whirlpool. She felt...heavy, so very heavy today. Everything was weighing on her. The future loomed dark before her, and the secrets she must keep clung to her like demons.
As much as she tried not to fear the things to come, there were so many things to worry over. Living a doomed life was not so terrible, it gave you a whole new perspective and outlook on everything. Having a known ending gave her an odd sort of freedom that no one else had. There was no reason to guard her words around powerful people, what could they do to her? She had no need to be kind to someone simply because they had money and might leave her some later, she would die first anyway. There was no reason to take care in leaving good impressions with others because they would all fade away. Most feared death, feared the future for all it might bring them. For her, she knew her own future so she had no such things to tie her down to the ground. She, like a bird, never truly landed, never stayed long enough to be touched by anything but the sky. She had no need to put down roots and set aside things to secure a future of good fortune as others did. This red eyed raven could look, and admire, seeing the great perspective of the world from her perch above it all.
Yet, even to a bird, there were strings that tied her to her existence, some things she did not wish to let go of, things that made it hard to fly. While she touched nothing, she also touched everything, and because she touched them, they touched her in return. She tried hard never to hold onto anything or anyone, knowing she would simply be forced to let them go eventually. Still, there were those that she loved on this place of life. She did not fear her own death, but she feared the loss of those connecting strings. With so few of them, she knew the loss of their presence would hurt. While she was no stranger to hurt, this felt different. Sometimes she found herself wishing, wishing for things she never intended to wish for, and could not have.
It was true, she did not feel things in the same way that others did, but that did not mean she felt nothing at all. People often thought her heartless, but her heart beat as loudly, if not more so than many that called her that. The issue was, those that lived to die could not live in the same way as others. The promise of death hung above them each day like an old, but strange friend, more a part of them than anything else. Those living with a clear ticking clock could either hide in a corner to count the moments in fearful waiting, or they could live in utter freedom, living to the fullest before that clock stopped. Lacie chose the latter, to dance in the rain, run through the midnight, laugh at what she pleased, and smell every flower before she wilted.
Her slender frame stopped at the top of the stairs, famed eyes snapping wide in surprise. The chilled, unearthly, classically fairy tale tower was not as vacant as she expected to find it. Her nest of solitude had been quietly invaded. Mixed in with the familiar parlor room lace, silk, stone, and damp scented air was a fresh taste of the outside only brought here by one person.
Curled up atop her bed, partially draped in her top cover, was a yellow haired kitten. Her supple lips tipped into a smile as she glided forward, the ever so slight hint of a frown lost, careful not to make a sound. Crimson eyes traveled over his long, lean shape slowly as she move to stand at the edge of her bed. A deep intake of air brought with it his refreshing and warm flavored smell of a red, white, pink, yellow, and black rose garden. As she leaned in closer above him she could catch the smell of white tea holding fast to his green dress jacket - She loved that on him, that coat trimmed with white and gold. She could not deny he was handsome, but he always had been, especially while he slept.
Those beautiful, all seeing, green eyes hid behind his eyelids. How long had he been waiting here for her to return? If he had known where she was, would he have still waited for her? Her breath came out in a silent sigh as she took in his angelic sleeping face, the midday sun sliding in the only window to play at those golden strands of his bangs and impossibly long braid - The rays almost made him seem to be glowing, lighting those champagne strands aflame. Yes, this little kitten would still have stayed even if he had known she was with Glen, Revis.
Jack Vessalius was unlike any other man she had ever known. Even her brother knew that the first time he saw him with those amethyst eyes of his, just as she had seen it. He had changed greatly over the time he had been away from her, but so much about him was the same as that moment she found him in that cold, snow covered alley. Like a feather drifting to earth, she eased down to sit beside him. It was nice to have him here this way. He could not see the lingering sadness in her eyes with his closed. Being close to anyone was so much easier when they were not aware you were there. Being a ghost to watch over them felt intimate, yet safely distanced. Safely, she could love him safely like this, not needing to be sure she kept all her closely held secrets from him. He looked so delicate while he slept, she could not help reaching out to softly run the tips of her fingers through tufts of hair nearest his perfectly molded face. Cream eyelids and dark lashes fluttered, making her jerk her hand back to her side. The damage was done, spell broken by her touch, like a kiss from a prince to Sleeping Beauty.
Light, imported jade, eyes drifted lazily upward, sleep hazed realization dawning as he whispered; "Lacie..."
Her lips parted as she allowed a musical laugh to grace his ears, "What strange ways I always find you, Jack. I never quite know what to expect out of you."
His ever so famous boyish smile greeted her as he sat up quickly, braid draping around him like a lifeless snake, "Lacie, you came back!"
Tilting her head, a catty expression slipping onto her smooth features, she arched a brow at him, "Where else would I go? If I am not here, eventually I will be. It is my home, after all... not to mention my bed you have been napping in."
His smile turned sheepish, adopting that cute, childlike expression of guilt, "Sorry, Lacie... I just missed you, so I-" He trailed off, leaving her curious at the rest of his answer.
"So you what? Wanted to be close to me?" Her black silk locks swayed away from her face as she drilled him with her eyes, "Don't tell me, you cuddled up in my blankets and smelled my pillow?"
Ah, the sudden blush bringing color to his otherwise pale skin told her she had hit the mark with that guess. Honestly, she knew him too well. It did not really shock her considering he always tended to smell her hair when he thought he could get away with it. She happened to know he spritzed a little of her perfume on one of his white handkerchiefs before he left a few days prior, not that she told him she caught it. Smell was one of the key triggers to memory and Jack was sentimental. Her long lashes fluttered as she shook her head at him, poking his forehead with her index finger for emphasis.
"Whatever will I do with you, hmm?" She chided him, but her smile betrayed the simple fact that it did not even phase her - Why should a bird in a cage be surprised when others stared?
Glen called Jack her "faithful puppy" and she supposed it was true, but only with her. With everyone else, he was a cat, sly as a snake in his ways, getting everyone to worship the ground he walked on. He was a skilled little cat, coming to others for attention only when he wanted it, and only when he deemed it helpful to him. Like every good cat, you never really would be able to predict him, pin him down, know where he was going, or see into his eyes. He was her cat though, and only hers. While he might purr for others, he only really wanted her. If she was honest, it was true, it made her happy to have it that way. In a world where nothing really belonged to her, even her own life, it was nice to have just one person that belonged to her alone.
Cupping his face in both hands, she leaned in to press her forehead to his. She really enjoyed his smell, he smelled of freedom. Twisted beneath the nose it was warm and of a sharp, woody musk, scented like rosewood, pine, and oak - So like the open air and all those trees he frequently climbed. He did try so very hard, the little dear. There were times he seemed such a child but other times he seemed old beyond his years. The way he could look at her now with such adoration in simply being near her made him seem like a pet, yet everything he had done to be here made him more a man than most any other she knew. He was so innocent, still climbing trees and dancing in tall grass... but so broken and ruined in other ways.
Life had really twisted him, and for that, she harbored some blame. "Jack..." If only she could voice it just once, how very much he meant to her, but more still how deeply sorry she was for the turns he had taken because of her.
Verdant eyes just stared at her, so close to his face, full of a worshipful admiration that nearly made her uncomfortable, "What is it, Lacie?"
Her wan smile likely did not escape his notice as she shook her head, "Nothing."
Ever so carefully, his eyes traveled over her body as she sat back, pulling away from that closeness. As if acting without thinking, his fingers moved to trace at the lace and velvet of the bow at her throat. His fingers never once brushed her skin, as if touching the fabric closest to her was all he allowed himself. There was a distance to his eyes as he looked at her odd form of a necklace. He was ever so careful not to cross the line. There was intimacy in everything he did with her, but also a careful distance that he never let slip.
"I will give you anything, or give up anything for you, Lacie. I hope you know that." His glassy, near vacant eyes drifted back to hers, "I belong to you forever."
"I know..." Her lips fumbled over the words, mind trying to think of something to say in return for such declarations of blind loyalty, "But you cannot give me what I want." Those were not the words she intended to say at all, yet they slipped out swiftly.
His thin brows crinkled together as he tugged at end of the bow, "Why? What is it you desire?"
Defensively, she pulled back, causing the bow to come undone, smiling coldly, "I want to see the ones I love be happy. I want you and everyone else to always be happy." The sudden, subtle edge in her voice signaled her defenses were beginning to crop up.
Jack's expression softened as he pulled the black velvet and red lace ribbon down to wrap around his fingers, eyes lingering at the newly exposed skin, "Maybe I can't promise it for others but I will always be happy as long as I can be with Lacie."
That was spoken so honestly but he had no idea at all that those words simply proved what she had already been thinking. Try as he might, he could not grant that one wish of hers, her wish for he and Oswald... the Core of Abyss... or even her still forming child. Her eyelids fluttered closed, lashes linking with unexpected moisture hidden behind them. Dear God, how could she ever fix this man? How could she keep him moving after the strings holding her here were cut? A reflexive smile covered her lips to shield her other emotions. It was obvious, she backed herself into a corner she could not get out of. Everything in her life was so out of control and she had neither the time nor wisdom to repair it all.
Her body acted on the singular thing she could think of to do in the moment, arms reaching for where she knew he was to pull him to her, never opening her eyes. The softness of his hair and skin slid against her hands as she touched him. His body moved without the slightest resistance, like water being shifted from one place to the next. Even though she was hugging him, he dared not touch her in return, not lifting his arms from the bed, simply melting against her as she directed. Oh God, he was just so broken! Her grip on him tightened as her arms traveled to circle his back. If she could simply absorb all of that from him, she would.
The tiniest noise of surprise slid past his lips as she pushed him back, following him down with her own body, letting gravity take them to the soft blankets. Her black velvet tresses spilled over him as she rested her head on his chest, tucked neatly under his chin. With great carefulness and even reverence, his hands finally moved, palms and fingertips ghosting over her back before relaxing to stay in place. A contented sigh was his reward for the brave little act. It felt good to be held by this man, as nice as when Oswald did so, but in different ways. It was comfortable with her brother or Jack, but not with anyone else. She loved everything about the way this felt with them, their firm chests, and strong arms there to shelter and protect her from all the things she hated to face. In their arms she could push the unpleasant things from her mind and simply relish the feeling of their shield. It felt good, like diving into a mountain of blankets and burrowing inside where no one could find her.
Her brows twitched slightly, fingers sinking into his thick coat collar. It felt nothing at all like that way Revis held her. When he held her all she felt was cold, indifferent loneliness. When she was with him she felt hallow, chilled, and slimy inside, like catching a cold while being forced to sit at a brothel. It felt frightening and sickening. When she and Oswald came here as children, she liked that man, but not for long. He became someone she feared and was disgusted by. It was true that she toyed with people, but the way he manipulated others was different. He was malicious even though he acted so carefree and kind. She knew his darkness better than anyone else, even more than Oswald ever could dream. She always hated him for how easily he told her of her death, so oddly happy about it... as if he had told her they would give her icecream at dinner.
Revis looked forward to her death as if it was something grand. Despite what he did with her, he did not love her. Maybe she was no expert, but was it not supposed to be out of love that a man slept with a woman? Were those things not supposed to be filled with love, those acts were supposed to be warm. The man was supposed to care about the woman he created a child with but she knew he did not. He would smile happily at her death, never lifting a finger to help her or ease her passing. When she died, he would stand close and watch every second with that smile of his. If it were Jack, he would fight to the death to rescue her. They had never done those things and yet he showed her more love than Revis had her whole life, even without touching her.
Lacie shifted slightly, sliding her knee to rest over those long legs. It was unmistakable the way his breath hitched, muscles all tightening a moment before he relaxed again. Her eyelids fluttered open, in deed of light to chase away the growing inner darkness. Every now and then, she did innocent little things to draw reactions from this man. She knew it was wrong or unkind, but she could not stop herself when the thoughts struck her to do it. She often found herself doing them when Revis crossed her mind, perhaps trying to get revenge on him in her own unique way. It was horrid to torment Jack and she wished she could stop herself.
It was true, she really was a child of misfortune, causing pain whatever she did, with or without intending to. Honestly though, she paid dearly for it all as well, guilt shredding her every day in times when she was alone, often haunted in her dreams. Soon enough, she would pay with her life too. Sometimes she though the misfortune traveled both ways, from and to her. Why she loved this horrible world, even she did not know at times. She was so messed up, fractured that she could be thinking one thing and do another. Without meaning to, she broke the people she longed to help. For that, she was glad punishment would arrive.
The blond twitched again when she shifted, this time unintentionally. It was slight, and controlled, but she could tell he was breathing a bit harder. Yes, he was still a man, but it did not bother her at all. Why should it bother her that he felt something like that for her, the woman he loved? It was natural and why should someone such as herself be bothered about such things? Her body was simply a thing and already ruined anyway.
Fingers traced the soft fabric of her dress lightly, brushing the buttons at her back in passing, but he did not move more than that. Her head tipped, moving with a rustle of fabric as she let it loll to the side of his shoulder, body tipping onto her side. She moved enough that she could look at him and he could look at her. His arms had to shift a bit to accommodate, but he touched nothing at all past her arm, fingers resting like a feather on her shoulder. He wanted to, she knew he did, but he would never, ever do it. She could see how much he wanted to be closer in the way those sparkling, love tinted eyes gazed at her; she saw the way the pupils dilated farther and farther the more he stared, that unmistakable tell of desire. His breathing grew more laborious with each passing moment, no matter how hard he tried to clam it. His lips parted, jaw slightly slack as he lie there beside her, how could she not see? Yet he never even lifted a finger to touch her.
Jack was not like any other man she knew. He never forced her to do anything, never even tried. When he moved, he allowed her to move him like a doll. Often as not, he would go nearly limp in her grasp, moving only when she commanded, as if he were on strings. She knew that if she told him to stop breathing, he would obey without a single question. This kitten never asked for anything from her, only seeking to be near her. In all the time he had been back, he never even touched her without her own initiation of the contact, never trying to make a 'move' the way other men did if given the chance.
Lacie knew this man better than anyone in the world. This guarded, calculating, deliberate, assiduous, cunning man only removed his mask for her. To all others, he seemed naive, careless, aloof, lackadaisical, serene, and childish. The third son of that family was a sly creature skilled enough to fool anyone with his acting. To others he was a strong, immovable force that could be as calm as a lake, or as powerful as a waterfall. She knew better though. Poor, tender, lonely Jack was weak, so very weak. He worked so very hard to hide it, but inside, he was just an abandoned puppy. Desperately, he longed for a home and warm arms to accept him for exactly who he was, but no such place had ever been open to him.
In all his sad past, she alone had ever offered him a genuine smile or cared enough to give him a bit of hope. A voiceless child, forgotten and faceless to the world, dead soul begging just to feel again. He was lost, unsure who, or if, he even was. Hope was something he needed so desperately, because he had none of his own. That was the very first thing she noticed when she looked into his eyes peeking out from under that thin, dirty blanket. She could see the total lack of life in him, the kind that came when a person simply stopped caring because they did not remember how to believe. Then and there, she knew he would die unless he found a reason to move. Humans could survive for some time without a great many things, but never if they lost hope. He needed someone, even just one person, to reach out a hand to help him onto his feet.
Sadly, only she had been willing to, a girl that could not stay beside him. Lacie was the only one that saved him from the darkness clawing up from inside him. He was so hollow inside then, but what frightened her was that he still was. Slowly, a little more life and warmth came into him each day she spent with him. Yet, at this slow rate, she did not have enough time to get him breathing on his own or make his heart beat.
Wary was all he was of her at first, but she gained on him until she finally drew out that gorgeous smile. From then on, he belonged to her, and only her. Jack became not only impossibly loyal, and in love with her, but also fixated and obsessively centered around her. He depended on her, made her his only "light", as he put it. He held no love for any in his family, though rightly so, but he held it no where else either. While he warmed to Oswald and a few others, he did not allow them close enough to bond with him. Granted, her elder brother was not a great deal better at allowing others near, it was different with Jack. The high strung, dramatic, flighty Vessalius was hollow. The face he showed to others was a learned facade, intended, and created to project a lively heart he simply did not possess. Everyone he knew only was allowed to skim the surface. He created a self that he wanted to be, and perhaps that was indeed his true nature, but he no longer remembered how to be alive, all except for when he was with her.
When he was at her side, he was happy and full of life. From her, he took his joy in existing. Maybe because he believed that she was the only one in the whole world that cared. That was not true, he had so many that would love him if he would allow them to, but he was blind to all of that. Behind those beautiful jade orbs was a lost, frightened, sad, and lonely soul that truly believed no one could care about the real Jack Vessalius.
Her smile faltered for only a moment, returning fast to replace it, eyes falling from his face so he would not catch the glint of sadness. This kitten would not want to let her fly, would not want to let her slip away from him, but he had no more choice than she did. Soon, she would not be here to protect him from himself anymore. She knew he would never be able to say goodbye. She could only hope the things she was leaving behind, the things she was entrusting him with, could fill the hole she was leaving in him. Perhaps she should never have flown down to touch this kitten at all. Maybe in saving him then, she also doomed him with her. Pale fingers slipped around to cup the back of his head, into his hair, pulling his head to rest at the curve of her neck. He shifted and wiggled to move into place.
She really had wanted to save him. Seeing those lost, dead eyes broke her heart. Honestly, sometimes she understood that feeling so much more than she could ever express, it connected them in some strange way. She wanted to give him a little hope, open his eyes to the beauty he could see, and give him a reason to keep walking. Yes, she wanted to save him, but seeing him now, she was not so sure saving was what she had done. The closer he became, the less she could protect him. The choices, for ill or good, had already been made, and there was nothing else she could do but continue walking. Carrying a life was a heavy thing, and she was carrying more than just his. Perhaps she had taken on more than her small body could lift, and in doing so, she would bring them all down in a fall. That thought, it terrified her. What if she could not lift them high enough to be safe before she fell into the abyss?
AN: This story revolves mainly around Lacie and Jack, but not totally. I honestly don't see enough on Lacie and I think she is a beautifully complex character that does not always get enough credit. I felt so sorry for her from the start, she really never had a chance, but she tried her best anyway. She was so strong and looked out for everyone in her own way, or tried to. Everyone kind of used her, even the ones that loved her most. The manga is not even finished yet, and I know there is so much more to come in this AMAZINGLY TWISTED but GORGEOUS story. I wrote this anyway, because I just wanted to examine these characters more deeply for myself ^^ Hope you enjoy it!