AN: For hanleiasecretsanta's Holiday Gift Exchange. Or, more accurately, for KnightedRogue. Happy Gift Day!
KR's 'likes' included the EU which, of course, I had to jump at. This little scene takes place shortly, maybe a few months, after the end of the Yuuzhan Vong War and New Jedi Order series. Hope you like this, Giftee!
If she were honest with herself, Leia might admit that half of her troubles with falling asleep stemmed from some odd, harbored bitterness she held against the apartment in general. When she and Han had been carefully browsing Corellia for a new home, she had loved this place. The idea of a new home to once again settle into, to make their own, away from the hectic-ness of Coruscant had been so overwhelming. Just her and Han, and a galaxy at a carefully balanced point of peace. Leia could hardly remember the last period of significant peace she'd had the pleasure to live through- if there had ever been any. (Everything before the Yuuzhan Vong and Sernpidal was such a blur.) Certainly, the galaxy had never been in such tranquility as this. The enemies, the Yuuzhan Vong, had been banished to Zonama Sekot, and now the rest of the galaxy was finally working together. Relief programs were being created to care for the trillions of refugees across the Inner Rim to the very far end of the Perlemian Trade Route. Banks were working together to find the money to repair torn apart worlds and thousands of species were working alongside each other to rebuild their homes. Finally, at last, the taste of the very peace Leia had spent her life fighting so hard for. It was here.
However, peace didn't taste quite how she had imagined all these years. It looked so very sweet and it had a juicy, sweet taste, but with a bit of a sour, bitter kick to it. Just as she'd imagined throughout her teen years celebrating the end of the Empire on Alderaan, squished between her loving parents, she hadn't imagined tasting peace without holding her three children in her arms. This wasn't the worst part as much as the whole new idea of the silence surrounding her and the chance for her mind to have so much time to just- dwell. Not think. She'd been doing so little more than thinking since the Death Star had destroyed her home. How do I escape? How do I survive? How do I get back to Han? How can I keep my children safe? When will it end? Thinking, thinking constantly, and now, all she had left to think about- was everything at once, all over again.
The shock of Alderaan's demise fell on her like tons of bricks. Mama! Daddy! The cry had escaped her lips in sleep only the third night in the Solos' new home. Her throat locked up, threatening to choke her, upon seeing Han in carbonite, his life so dangerously close to the edge. The hand that crushed her heart returned to remind her of Vader and everything he'd ever done to her. I have to face him. He's my father. The Force is strong in my family. My sister has it. Yes, it's you, Leia. But that was the least of these because there were many tragedies to follow. The heartache of Chewbacca's unforeseeable death hit hard. He'd always been so much more than a friend to the entire Solo family. The betrayal, the loneliness she felt during the Vong War when Han sacrificed their marriage to mourn a friend on his own- it came back to her. Then, Anakin- her son, her precious, dear little boy. Her baby boy.
That thought was a double-edged sword that came back to point at her and impale her squarely in the chest. She uttered a sob, covering her mouth with one hand, then both. He shouldn't have died. He was supposed to make it, to live, to see the end of the war and have all those glory day stories to tell his children. Most importantly, Leia, the parent, wasn't supposed to see the day her child died. Her heart continued to beat and her breath still fell from her lips in total objection. She lived, in protest.
That moment of horror washed upon her again, Death's clammy, bony hand grabbing at her foot while the Force rang true, reverberating throughout her body. She'd clawed at her side, a searing pain suddenly there. But he was fire, so fierce, so aware- so very alive. He was an embodiment of the Force, unstoppable.
Then, just as suddenly, his life had gone out like a gentle blow to a candle. Gone.
This haunted her more than the others, but they existed in unison, taking their turns each night to wake Leia up screaming. All of it was becoming too much and she couldn't stop thinking. She longed to hold her remaining children, her twins, close, but she knew they were just as busy with thinking. Jaina was too much like herself and she could hardly bear the thinking. So, she'd put herself to work with overseeing the restoration of the Jedi Temple on Coruscant. She was staying on the planet for the time being with her aunt and uncle and three year-old cousin Ben. Jaina wasn't too far away, Leia tried to comfort herself. As for her elder son Jacen, she wasn't sure what to make of his post-war plans. Within months following the war's end, he'd packed his few bags and left his mother with a kiss on her cheek, stooping to reach. He'd lost himself as well as half his faith in the galaxy, he'd quietly and nervously explained to her. Crying in fear for him, Leia had nodded, hugged him back, and urged him to go, find himself, explore the far reaches of the galaxy if that was what it took. Just as long as he came back to her and his father. Jacen had smiled softly, promising that he would try.
And then, it was just her and Han and that was when her heartache, and the thinking, had begun for her.
As had become custom for the old married couple, Han and Leia had cuddled up together on the love seat in the living room and watched the smashball game before bed. The Corellian Dreadnaughts beat the Hapan Raiders forty to twenty-one and Han cheered his home team on. Leia had never thought she would enjoy something like watching sports, but her gratitude for the simple time to spend with Han had soon led to Han teaching her all the technical terms of the sport and, before she knew it, she was snuggled up in one of Han's Dreadnaughts jerseys, scowling over a faulty call made by the referee. And Han would smile at her, loop an arm around her waist, and pull her back to him.
Once the game had finished, Leia had gone straight to bed and now she sat waiting for Han to join her. Anxiously curling strands of her hair around her fingers, she listened to the water turn on in the bathroom, then off, and she turned her gaze to the refresher door, impatiently waiting for Han to finish. He came out in only sweatpants and his Dreadnaughts shirt.
"Ready?" he asked, pulling aside the bedsheets and crawling in next to her. "You sure you don't need a glass of water before bed?"
She shook her head, still twirling the hair around a finger.
"What's wrong, sweetheart?" he asked mildly and leaned in to shortly kiss her temple. "You look like you've seen a ghost."
"Something like that," she agreed.
"Hey, if it's about those nightmares, you better not forget I'm still here." Han wrapped an arm around her waist and quickly found bare skin beneath her pajama shirt. His palm was warm against her hip. "It's alright if you need to wake me up," he reminded her, "I'm right here, Princess."
She leaned into his embrace and nodded. "I know, Han." They were assurances, promises, that weren't necessary to repeat. Long ago, they had worked out a rhythm, or a procedure, to get through every night. That, and Leia had always known that Han would sit up in bed an entire night with her if it made her feel any better. But the nightmares had spiked in their frequency in the past months and Leia thought it was just that Han felt the need to reassure her even though she already knew. He would surround her in love and warmth.
"Come on. I can't go to bed like this. What do you need, Leia. What's going on?"
She looked up at him, her big, round eyes filled with sorrow and pain. She confessed, her voice shy and cracked, "The nightmares, they follow me all day now. Han, I can't stop thinking."
"What is it?" He moved closer, leaning in front of her and keeping one hand planted against the mattress on his side of the bed for balance. "What is it botherin' you this time?"
She shook her head, letting go of her hair. "All of it, Han. Alderaan, my parents, Vader." She paused for a second, finding the last name caught in her throat. "Anakin." As the war had continued after Myrkr and the Battle of Coruscant, Leia had thought she'd found it becoming easier to say his name, but now things seemed to be moving backwards and there were times when Leia could barely stand to think his name. Thinking was too hard now.
Tears began to drip down her cheeks and Han's thumb was immediately there, flicking away one droplet at a time. When her shoulders suddenly shook, Han leaned closer yet and kissed each salty droplet away. "Hey. I'm here, Princess. I'll always be here." Leia burrowed her head into his chest and clung to him, falling apart like she never had. She twisted a fist into the fabric of his shirt and tugged, trying to pull him closer.
"I can't handle it, Han," she cried into his chest, trying so hard to stop the storm.
"I know it's rough. I know it hurts." Han gently pushed her down and Leia obeyed, lying down. She turned over to face the other side of their room and Han wrapped his arms around her, intimately spooning her. He was a wall, surrounding and protecting her, shutting the rest of the world out. Nothing could come through those walls. Nothing would.
"No nightmares tonight," he pretended to scorn. Then, more seriously, "I can't watch you like this."
"I can't move forward, Han."
"No one's expecting you to."
"I can't- think about it. It's too much." She found his hand where it rested over her stomach and held onto it fiercely. "Han. I don't think I'm okay."
Han was silent for a long moment and Leia wondered what he was thinking. Was he as afraid as she was? Did he feel the same way? Was it ignorant of her not to consider that Han might be in the exact place she was, then expect him to comfort her?
"We'll make it," he interrupted her thoughts. His words reignited a flicker of hope within her and she allowed a fleeting smile to cross her lips, pulling Han's arm tighter around her. We. She chastised herself for forgetting. She and Han were one, a united front. She would never have to go through anything without him. And, in return, she would always support him, to fall back on. It had been tested, and proved.
"Right here, Princess. I'm right here."
They lied together in silence and Leia cherished the peace that settled over her, the warmth that chased away Death's shadow. She managed to relax until she found the words she'd been meaning to say to Han. She turned in his arms and tilted her chin up to meet his lips. He responded with a soft one, brief, but filled with more than enough love. It took them so little effort to convey that much to each other. "I've been thinking," she told him.
Han curled his arm over her back again and began to rub it, etching abstract shapes and patterns over her smooth skin. "I know. Just rest."
"No." She squeezed his arm and he opened his eyes to look at her. "I've been thinking about more than just- the past. I've been thinking a lot about the future."
Han's hand moved lower. "Oh, yeah? How's it looking?"
Smoothly, Leia slid out of his arms and sat up, almost smirking as her husband moaned in disappointment. "I've been thinking about what I want to do next."
Han frowned, quickly moving to sit up with her. "What do you mean? It's peacetime, sweetheart. I thought the purpose was to not do anything."
She raised a brow at him.
"Or, do you mean- the little things?" A grin broke across his face and Leia couldn't help but smile back merely in response. "Like that second honeymoon to Mon Calamari we've been talking about for years?"
"Oh, you better be giving me a second honeymoon, dear."
"That sounds like you're blaming that on me when, sweetheart, I'm sure it's you who owes me for Tatooine."
Leia smirked mischievously. "We can talk about that and Mon Calamari later. Han, I'm talking about what I want to do next."
"Like your career?"
"Well, yes, sort of."
"You thinking you want to go back to the New Re- er, Galactic Alliance?"
"Stars, no! I am never going back to politics! I'm thinking more about- the Jedi Order."
Han shrugged. "I'm sure your brother would love for us to visit, but he's already got a lot of help with Jaina and-"
"No, Han." She squeezed her eyes shut, trying again with her words. "I mean- my place in the Order."
"Your place-" Han's eyes nearly bulged, but Leia could sense his surprise with just her Force senses. But that's easy, she thought. Luke still suspects I'm just as powerful as he is. I wonder what else I could do. If I were to be trained …
"You want Luke to train you?"
"Well, I don't know if I'd want Luke to train me." She shook her head. "I don't know. I've just- been thinking about it."
"How long have you been thinking about this?"
Leia smiled wryly. "About a week. Why?"
"Just wondering how much you've really thought about this. You've never exactly shown any interest in becoming a Jedi. In fact, you've always been pretty adamant that you aren't a Jedi."
"I'm not a Jedi. But I'm starting to think that I might want to be."
"Have you talked to Luke about it?"
"Oh, no! Not yet. You know that he's going to be high on his own pride and I can hardly stand the thought of admitting to him that I might want to start training."
"True. The kid will never get over it."
"I'm not even saying that I know I want to start training. I think I will, perhaps in the near future, but not right now. Right now, it's just something I'm starting to consider. It's something I think I might want soon."
"Not as a distraction."
Leia looked at her husband. "No. Although, I think it may help me heal some. I do think it could help me to recover, but I would start training because- I may have forgiven Anakin Skywalker, but I haven't embraced the Force yet. It's a part of me; it's something connecting me to the man who fathered me. I want to be able to embrace that. And after Anakin's-" she choked. "After we lost him, I need to forgive the Force again. I need to embrace that part of me that inherited the Force.
"Besides my nightmares, I've been having other dreams. Visions. I've lived out my career in politics and diplomacy. I really think this is what's next on my path. It's peacetime. I have time. The Force is trying to guide me. I can feel it. The Force is trying to guide me and I've made it wait long enough."
She stopped, turning to look at Han and gauge his face for a reaction. "What do you think?"
"What do I think?" He reached for her arm and pulled himself across the mattress just to hold her in his arms again. "Is this something you want to do? I mean, not just because the Force is telling you to."
"This isn't exactly the first time I've thought about training." She blinked. "Just, maybe, the first time I've thought about it seriously. I've thought about in passing before. Just not-" She sighed.
"What is it, Princess?"
She laughed to herself, truly amused by whatever funny thought was in her head now. "I've never just been Leia before," she told him. "I complained about it to Mara once- at the beginning of the war. Now that I think about it though, I don't think I could handle being an average citizen if I could even manage it."
Han snorted, sending Leia into a fit of giggles along with him. "Are us old Rebel heroes supposed to be normal now? Is this some new decree from the little kids running the GA? I'm just getting kicked out of Coruscant now?"
"Yes," Leia responded with a deadpan expression. "We are now required to conform to the regular lifestyles of this galaxy."
"Kriff that. I helped save the galaxy. I'm gonna' do whatever I want."
Stretching and settling into his arms, Leia giggled. "Oh, I wish." She tucked her head against his shoulder. "I wish they weren't still watching us."
"Maybe the galaxy will find new, younger, cooler people to follow. When the next Sith Lord rises," he suggested with a dramatic quality to his voice. Leia groaned, shaking her head into his shoulder. "And Jaina will defeat the bastard."
"It has to be Jaina?"
"Who else would it be?"
"Mmm. No, not one of ours. Han, I don't want to do this to become some freedom fighter for the galaxy." She rolled her eyes. "I already am one. I want to do this for myself. Not for Luke or even my father. I'm starting to understand the Order's role in the galaxy. And, perhaps, my place in that."
"Alright. So, say you do decide to officially start training. Who would you want to be trained by?"
Leia shrugged. "Someone who can challenge me. Someone who can teach me things I don't already know."
"Must be difficult."
Leia pinched him.
"Hey!"
"What do you think, Han?"
"I think," he thought a moment, holding her closer yet, vying to keep her with him. "I think that I will be right next to you go no matter where you want to go."
She smiled. "You would support me, then?"
"I would support you if you decided to go back to politics."
"Stars! If I even mention going back to politics, just do me a favor and shoot me in the head. That is support."
"You know what I mean. Whatever you need. So long as I get to keep my copilot."
"Forever."
"And you'll still be my copilot when you're cooler than me too, learning how to do all the weird Force stuff Jacen does to freak me out?"
Leia pushed herself off of Han and lifted her shoulders. "I don't know. Merely copiloting for old scoundrels doesn't pay very well these days."
Han sat up. "These days? Sweetheart, all you had to do was ask."