By Ginny
Josh just stood in the Mural Room after Leo had gone to inform the President of Matt Santos' decision. And it was just that...Matt Santos' decision. Josh had done his best to talk the Congressman into taking Bob Russell's offer, even though he knew in his heart it was the wrong move. But for the good of the party and to, theoretically, please the two father figures in his life, Josh had given it his best shot.
And that shot wasn't good enough in the eyes of Leo McGarry.
When Josh realized just how badly he was shaking he sat down on the nearest couch, before he ended up taking a header into a priceless antique table and ending up passed out on the floor. He sat with his head in his hands for some indeterminate amount of time. Could have been 3 minutes, could have been half an hour. The sound of the door opening caused him to scrub his hands down his face and glance up. He was hoping it wasn't Leo, or worse yet, Jed Bartlet. He didn't think he could face either of them at that moment.
The one who entered the room was certainly not someone he thought would be looking for him.
"Josh, you ok?" Toby asked as he shut the door behind him. He stayed on the other side of the room, almost afraid to show any kind of emotion or caring, even though the man sitting not 10 feet away was one of his closest friends, regardless of what had been going on between the two of them for a few months.
"I don't know," Josh admitted as he got to his feet to start and pace. "I take it you know what happened?" he asked as he shoved his hands into his pockets and looked down at his unpolished wingtips.
"Yeah, ran into Leo in the hallway. For what it's worth, I don't think it's fair for him to put the weight of the Democratic Party onto your shoulders. You don't work for him anymore."
"I'm not that guy," Josh said quietly, hoping Toby would understand what he meant.
"No, you're not. You are your own guy now. You've made name for yourself in this Party, one that doesn't come attached to the coattails of Jed Bartlet or Leo McGarry."
"Yeah," Josh muttered as he slumped back down onto the couch. "It was weird though. It was kinda like the first time you stand up to your father," Josh sighed with an edge of something in his voice. Both men were silent for a few minutes but there was an unspoken understanding of the situation.
"Josh, why did you leave the White House?" Toby asked, hoping to get Josh to take a step back, look at the big picture and purge the unnecessary guilt Toby could almost see taking a hold of his soul.
Josh thought about his answer for a minute, knowing that an off the cuff, pat answer was not what Toby was looking for. "Lots of reasons. To find the next "real thing". To help secure the standing of the party, for November and for years to come. To make a name for myself, one that isn't attached to the Bartlet administration. And I left because..."
"Because there was nothing much holding you here," Toby answered, recalling an earlier conversation they'd had about Donna.
"Yeah," Josh whispered. "So, how long do you think before I'm escorted out of the building?" Josh asked wryly as he glanced at his watch.
"Hard to tell. Depends."
"On what?"
"On whether or not Jed Bartlet and Leo McGarry are on the same page. I'm not so sure the President feels the same way as Leo. I think he went along with the idea of Santos as VP to help unite the party and go into the Convention with a candidate. But I don't think for a minute he's going to be disappointed in you. You left with his blessing, he told you to follow your heart, in all aspects of your life," Toby added with a grin.
"But what about Leo?" Josh sighed, ignoring Toby's attempt to steer the conversation in a different direction.
"Yeah, you disappointed Dad," Toby smirked. Josh gave a slightly rueful laugh and tipped his head back to stare at the ceiling.
"But you know what?" Josh muttered as he laced his fingers behind his head.
"It felt pretty damn good?" Toby guessed with a laugh.
"Yeah."
"He would be proud of you," Toby said quietly a few minutes later as he gave Josh a pointed look.
"Who?"
"Your Dad."
Josh was silent for a minute. While his beloved father was never far from his thoughts, he'd been front and center in the past few days. "But I told Santos to take the deal."
"I know. But you didn't want to; you didn't think it was the right thing. And when Leo asked you to "unchange" his mind, you stood up to him and told him "no". That's what he would have been proud of."
"I suppose," Josh muttered as the late hour and the general weight of the day suddenly bore down on him, robbing him of whatever energy that might have been in reserve. He let out a massive yawn as he leaned over and dropped his head into his hands.
"Why don't you go home, get some sleep. Before you know...people come and escort you out," Toby said with a little laugh. He held out his hand and pulled Josh to his feet.
"I don't think I'd sleep," Josh muttered. Although he was downright exhausted he knew that once he was in the quiet of his own home the feelings of guilt and anger and any other number of feelings would nag at him. What he wanted was some company, what he didn't know was if he had the right to ask someone to drop their evening plans, which probably included precious time alone, so that he wouldn't have to spend time alone, brooding and wallowing in whatever his mind chose to wallow in. He also realized he was glad he didn't try to explain that thought to Toby. While it made sense in his head, he was sure it wouldn't have made sense if he's actually said it aloud.
"Call her," Toby said as he slipped out the door without looking back.
"Guess I didn't need to explain it to him," Josh thought to himself as he sighed heavily and pulled his phone from his belt before he changed his mind.
"Hi Josh," Donna answered, having looked at the Caller ID.
"Hey," he muttered, not really knowing what to say. Things were still awkward between them and neither of them knew quite how to fix it, or if it could be fixed. So they talked a few times a week, mainly about White House gossip and other "safe" subjects. When they ran into each other on the campaign trail it was even harder. Something about being face to face, knowing they were on opposite sides just made any contact all that much harder.
"Josh, you ok?" Donna eventually asked after it appeared Josh wasn't about to plunge head first into a conversation.
"Yeah, I think so. Thanks for earlier," he said as he opened the door and headed out into the hallway, hoping to make a clean getaway out of the building.
"What do you mean?" Donna asked as she padded into her kitchen to put on water for tea. She had a feeling she wouldn't be alone for long.
"The way you didn't say anything when the Congressman and I came into Bingo Bob's office," Josh sighed as he pushed the door open to head out of the White House.
"Bob Russell's office," Donna said, gently correcting Josh and letting him know that no matter how she felt about the Vice President he was still one who, by virtue of his title, demanded a certain amount of respect. "And you're welcome." Josh said nothing for a minute or so as he turned onto Pennsylvania Avenue. "Josh?" Donna asked when it once again became clear that she would have to carry the conversation.
"Huh?"
"Where are you?"
"Just left the White House."
"Do you want to...I don't know...meet somewhere, or something," Donna stuttered, silently cursing herself for getting tongue tied talking to Josh.
"Yeah, I'd like that. How about Abe in 20 minutes. I'll bring the coffee," he suggested.
"Sounds good. I'll see you soon," Donna said as she turned off the stove.
"Bye," Josh said as he turned around and headed towards the mall. He stopped at Starbucks and got two grande hazelnut coffees and made his way down the path through the Vietnam Memorial on the way to the Lincoln Memorial.
As Donna made her way to the monument she was glad Josh had called, made a gesture, reached out to her. Knowing him as she did, she was sure he had a lot on his mind at that moment. She could only imagine what Leo's reaction had been when Josh told him about Matt Santos' decision to turn down Bob Russell's offer. Part of her wanted to protect him from himself, keep him from the real possibility that he would drown his feelings in Jack Daniels. But as had happened frequently over the past six months, she realized that wasn't her problem anymore. She wasn't his assistant and certainly wasn't his keeper. But despite everything they had been through, she still considered him her friend. And she was only offering what any good friend would offer, a friendly ear, and if need be, a shoulder to cry on.
She got to the monument before Josh did and she took a seat about half way up the marble steps. She watched as Josh crossed the street. A smile came over her face at the sight of him swaggering along, jacket thrown over his arm, carrying a cup of coffee in each hand.
"What are you smiling at?" he asked as he handed her a cup of coffee and took a seat next to her.
"You. You were swaggering along. Haven't seen that in a while."
"Haven't seen much of me," Josh said, quickly realizing that probably wasn't the wisest thing he could have blurted out.
"Not what I meant," Donna said, choosing to basically ignore his comment. "Every time I've seen you lately, either in person or on television, you've looked really tired. And you've been limping around, not swaggering all manly like," she teased.
"Yeah. Let me tell you, life on the road is a lot different now than it was 8 years ago. I'm too old for this," Josh said with a smirk.
"You're not old; you just don't take care of yourself. You get too run down and then your back and leg act up," Donna said as she felt herself seamlessly slipping back to a time when things were "normal" between her and Josh. She put her coffee down on the step and reached out to gently rub his back. The second her hand touched the cotton of his shirt, she withdrew it, suddenly unsure of anything. She found herself whisked back to the present, where nothing was clear, except for the fact that neither of them was particularly happy. She picked up her coffee again and passed the cardboard cup absently between her two hands.
"So, everything you learned about politics, you learned from Will?" Josh asked with a teasing tone as he tugged at his tie a little. Donna's actions had not gone unnoticed by him, which, considering it had been a long day and he was exhausted, was a shock.
"Hardly," Donna said with a smirk as she leaned over and nudged Josh with her shoulder. "Just busting you a little."
"I know," Josh said quietly as he took a big sip of coffee before putting his cup on the step and leaning over, resting his forearms on his knees. He looked down at the worn marble beneath his feet. His sudden quietness wasn't shocking to Donna, in fact it was pretty much expected and she didn't feel the need to carry the conversation.
They sat in the silence of the warm summer evening. There were people all around, taking in the breathtaking sight of the monuments bathed in moonlight. It wasn't the awkward silence they'd frequently encounter as of late. It was more a silent understanding of just enjoying the company.
"So what happened with Leo?" Donna asked, not feeling the need to beat around the bush.
"You're rather blunt tonight," Josh muttered as he raked his hands through his hopelessly messy hair. For a split second, Donna reached out to smooth it down, but she caught herself, remembering once again that things were different. "He wasn't happy to say the least."
"I wouldn't imagine he'd be anything but pissed," Donna said as she put her elbows on the step above her and leaned back, stretching her legs out in front of her. Josh stayed where he was, hunched over with his elbows on his knees and his chin resting in his hand. "Josh, talk to me," Donna urged as she nudged his leg with her foot.
"He expected me to go back and try to change Matt Santos' mind. Obviously I refused. I mean, I told him to accept the offer but deep down I knew it wasn't what he should do. And I think I also knew that he wasn't going to do it, so it didn't matter that I told him to do it."
"Interesting sentence structure there, Joshua," Donna teased.
"Yeah," Josh said as he sat up and rolled his head a little, trying to ease some of the stiffness in his neck and shoulders. Donna could almost see the tension radiating off of him. Without listening to the voice in her head that told her things were different, she scooted up a step and tugged on Josh's shoulder to get him to move in front of her and lean back a little. She reached around him, unknotted his tie and unbuttoned a few buttons on his shirt. Josh took his tie and put it in the pocket of his suit jacket. Despite the attempt not to, he felt his whole body tense up even more at the first touch of Donna's hands. She stilled her hands for a just a second, determined not to let the awkwardness of the moment ruin things.
"Relax," Donna whispered as she leaned in close to his ear. Josh just nodded and for a few minutes he allowed himself to enjoy the feeling of Donna's strong sure hands as they kneaded away the tension of the day.
"I miss this," Josh said quietly as he looked straight ahead, staring at the Washington Monument. He didn't trust himself to hold things together if he actually turned around and looked at Donna.
"What Leo put on your shoulders wasn't fair," Donna said as she moved her hands from his shoulders and rubbed her thumbs against the back of his neck.
"That's what Toby said. And before you ask, yeah, it felt kinda good to stand up to Leo, to step out of his shadow, to..."
"Let go of his coattails?" Donna asked, recalling a conversation she'd had the day before with Toby.
"His coattails?" Josh mused. "Just how much do you talk to Toby?"
"Just about every day."
"More than you talk to me," Josh muttered for no particular reason.
"Yeah," was all Donna could say. "But things are better," Donna said quietly a minute later. She wasn't really sure what she meant by that statement or why she said it. But Josh saw it as an opening.
"Yeah, we can be in the same room and have a civil conversation."
"We can call each other without any special reason and not feel too weird about it."
"You have no problem calling me and asking me for strange candy."
"True. And you didn't have a problem going to three stores looking for it," Donna teased as she took a chance and wrapped her arms around him from behind and pulled him close. Josh reached up and wrapped his hands around her arms. "Thank you for the flowers. I wouldn't in a million years have expected them," she whispered. She swallowed hard at the memory of opening her hotel room in some mid-western city one rainy day in April, only to find a floral delivery guy handing her a vase filled with colorful blossoms. On the card was Josh's simple sentiment----For I am a man of occasionJoshua.
"And I wouldn't have forgotten, not in a million years," Josh whispered back as he let go of her arms. Donna sat up just a little, resting her hands on his shoulders. They were both silent for a few minutes. That wasn't to say they weren't communicating by any stretch of the imagination; they just weren't talking.
"Once this is all over and one of us is...is uh," Josh stumbled around.
"Unemployed is the word you're looking for Josh," Donna teased.
"Yeah, unemployed. Do you think we could, I don't know, just forget about the world for a while and talk about the things that we just aren't quite ready to talk about yet?" he asked quietly. His question took Donna by surprise so much that she actually let out a little sigh at just how sweet it had sounded. "I take it that's a yes," Josh said as he tipped his head back a little to look at Donna. She nodded as she bit her lower lip a little, trying to stop from becoming overly emotional.
Another period of silence, filled with unspoken words, passed by. Eventually Josh scooted up a step to sit next to Donna on her left side. He set his empty cup by his feet and as he did he glanced over at Donna's leg. The night was warm and she was wearing a cute little denim skirt and flip flops. In the light of the street lamps and the light above them from the monument he got his first look at the scar on her leg. He couldn't see much and certainly didn't mean stare at the white line that started from her knee cap and extended beyond the hem of her skirt. The thin white line he could see wasn't all that bad, no worse than the one on his chest. But he knew that part was from the surgery, the scar further up on her thigh was much worse, not that he had even seen it. Donna had made sure he never saw it when she was recovering.
Donna stole a glance at Josh and followed his gaze to her thigh. "Sorry," Josh muttered, embarrassed that he'd been caught looking at the scar.
"It's ok," she assured him with a smile. She reached to put her left hand on his right as she pulled the hem of the skirt up a few inches, revealing the bottom edge of the jagged scar caused by the accident. Josh gasped a little, despite trying his best not to show any emotion. It took all he had not to reach out and finger the scar. Donna smoothed the edge of her skirt back down and squeezed Josh's hand before placing both their hands gently on her knee. Josh made no move to caress her leg or move his hand at all. He just looked at their entwined fingers as his tears started. As Donna watched the first tear drip off his cheek and onto the marble step she put her head on his shoulder. She managed to keep her emotions in check and while Josh silently cried she fingered the wooden bead bracelets Josh had taken to wearing lately. She didn't know where they came from and they didn't seen like the kind of thing Josh would wear but she liked them nonetheless. They looked good on him.
Josh eventually wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. He slipped off one of the bead bracelets and put it on Donna's right wrist. It was a little big on her, but probably wouldn't fall off. She sniffed a little as a few tears escaped her own eyes.
The crowds started to thin out considerably a little while later as both Josh and Donna started to yawn. "We should probably get some sleep," Josh muttered as he stretched out his legs a little.
"Yeah. Did you walk this morning?" Donna asked as picked up their empty coffee cups. Josh nodded, got up and pulled her to her feet. They took a few tentative steps, both of them having gotten rather stiff from sitting still for so long. "We're pathetic," Donna teased as they both limped down the stairs a little. "Come on, I'll take you home," she offered as she pointed towards her car.
The ride to Josh's place was spent in expected and reflective silence. Donna made a point not to cut the engine when she pulled into a space down the block from his place. Josh turned sideways in the seat. He reached out and tucked an errant strand of hair behind Donna's ear. She leaned into his touch as she bit her lower lip a little. "Promise me something," Josh said quietly. In the past Donna's answer to a question like that had always been one of "sure" or "no problem" or "whatever you want Joshua" but now those pat answers didn't flow from her lips, something which both of them took notice of but didn't say anything about.
"At the convention, on the night Jed Bartlet announces the Democratic candidate, whoever it is, I want you by my side," Josh said as he dropped his eyes down, unable to look at Donna's face out of fear of falling apart again.
Donna just reached out to lift Josh's chin. She nodded and swallowed hard against the threat of more tears. She put her hands on Josh's cheeks, gave him a quick kiss and rested her forehead against his. Josh touched the bracelet he'd put on her wrist, kissed her forehead and silently climbed out of the car. He didn't look back as he headed down the street.
"I'll be next to you, Joshua," Donna said to herself as she eased the car into gear and pulled out of the parking space. "It's where I belong."
THE END