RWBY Wars - Volume 4: A New Dolt

A figure cloaked in dusty red trudged through the unrelenting twin suns of Tatooine. She sighed. "I hate sand," she lamented.

"Indeed, Master Ruby! Sand is incredibly hazardous to my circuits and servos!" agreed the little astromech droid at her side.

Ruby rolled her eyes. Droids were such suckups nowadays. "Whatever. Just get in the garage and wait for me to get back from Tosh Station."

"But Master Ruby! You're supposed to run diagnostics on me immediately!"

Ruby sighed loudly. Not even her very own droid would give her a break. "Fine, fine," she relented as the pair finally got out of the hot desert. "Stay put and let me grab my tools."

"Affirmative Master Ruby!"

P3-NY was Ruby's birthday present, literally purchased a scant few minutes ago at the jawas' latest garage sale. Although the droid seemed quite perky and helpful, Ruby knew that the only droids with such upbeat attitudes were either flawed beyond comprehension or assassin droids in disguise. With Ruby's luck, Penny was probably both.

The redhead grabbed a hyperspanner off a shelf. "Now then. Let's see what makes you tick."

"Ah! Master Ruby! I don't think that's meant to be used as a hammer! Ah!"

"Huh? What's this?"

Ruby jumped back as Penny emitted a blue hologram of a wonderful woman in white. "Help me Qrow! You're my only hope!" she pleaded, before the hologram blinked out.

"…What the heck was that?!" asked Ruby, flabbergasted.

"Um… Part of my mission directive," admitted Penny sheepishly.

"You need to find this guy and get his help?"

"Indeed! And I would be most appreciative if you could offer any assistance!"

Ruby sighed. "Well, I suppose it's better than sitting around in the sun. Still, I wonder who she was talking about…"

Ruby mulled it over for a few seconds. "Ah! I think I have a lead!"

"Really Master Ruby?"

"Yep!" she replied, starting up the landspeeder. "I may not know where to find this Qrow guy, but I bet Crow does!"

"Visitors. Wonderful," deadpanned the crotchety old man as Ruby and Penny pulled up in a landspeeder.

"Hey! Crow! Can you help me with something?" called Ruby. She waved over to him with one hand as the other effortlessly headshotted a Tusken Raider.

Crow sighed. "I'm too sober for this shit…"

Ruby found herself mesmerized by the sheer beauty of the woman in white, whose identity she had learned to be Princess Weiss of the planet Atlas. She looked on in awe as the message began ending.

"Help me Qrow! You're my only hope!" With her final plea, the princess's blue silhouette faded away.

Then: "Great… My only hope is a washed up, cantankerous, old drunkard who never bothered to call my sister …What do you mean it's still recording?"

"Hmph," grunted Crow, now revealed to actually be Qrow, "Joke's on you, princess. I've been sober for three whole days. Not by choice mind you, stupid rising cost of alcohol."

"So what does this all mean?" asked Ruby.

Qrow sighed. "It means we're goin' on an adventure."

"Hooray!"

"Oh, and your family's probably dead too."

"WHAT?!"

"Excuse me," said an Imperial Stormtrooper at a checkpoint. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to check your droid for a bit."

Qrow held up a hand. "This is not the droid you're looking for," he said mysteriously, waving his fingers.

"This is not the droid I'm looking for," repeated the Stormtrooper.

"Also give me all your money."

"Stormtroopers don't carry money."

"Seriously?! Piss off!"

"Pissing off," affirmed the Stormtrooper. He groaned in relief. "Pissing off complete."

"Mos Eisley spaceport," said Qrow as the trio walked into the cantina. "You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and-"

"Outta the way!" shouted a buxom blonde as she careened into them.

The four fell into a pile as a group of alien bounty hunters caught up. "So you brought reinforcements?" sneered one of the aliens, waving his rifle around menacingly.

Yang looked at the old geezer, the farm kid, and the droid. "Yep!" she lied. She fired off another shot at her pursuers, headshotting him effortlessly. "Right, now that I've gotten you three involved in my own personal business, let's get outta here!"

"But my exposition!" lamented Qrow, "My quote!"

"Wait a sec," said Ruby as she ran down the oppressive hallway of the Death Star. "How did we get here?"

"Oh you know," replied Yang, blasting another Stormtrooper, "Coincidence, lucky breaks, and heroic exploitation of opportunity to screw over evil; the stuff just about any movie script is made of."

"Yeah I get that," remarked Ruby as she deflected a hail of blaster bolts with her lightscythe, "But I mean, just how many scenes did we skip to get to this non sequitur?"

"Probably half an hour of movie time, give or take. Don't quote me on that though!"

"Can you idiots please just shut up and keep running?!" screeched Weiss as she rampaged elegantly through the sea of ivory-clad Imperials. Say what you will about her personality, Weiss was a master of murder, and she looked damn fine doing it.

"Listen Princess," said Yang, giving Weiss a hard stare. "The only thing I care about is the reward money for saving your pasty white butt. I'm not interested in your rebellion, I'm not interested in the Death Star, and I'm sure as hell not interested in you!"

Weiss returned the heated glare unflinchingly. "Fine," she spat, "If all you love is money, then that's all you're going to get."

Seconds passed as the frost-fire pair stared each other down, the heat between them growing rapidly. Then a wall of plasma emerged between their faces.

"Sorry about that," deadpanned Ruby as Weiss and Yang glared at her for making them flinch. "The sexual tension was so thick I thought I'd cut it with my lightscythe."

"Many Faunus died to bring us this information."

"Good luck Ruby," wished Weiss, gently holding the scythe wielder's hands.

"Thanks Weiss," smiled Ruby shyly. "It means a lot to me, knowing you came to talk to me personally out of all these pilots."

"Oh. Well. You know…" trailed Weiss, blushing.

"Master!" called Penny as she was loaded into the X-wing. "This hasn't been addressed yet, but Qrow died on the Death Star!"

"What?!" cried Ruby in surprise. "We didn't get to see that scene?! But I wanna know who plays Darth Vader!"

"We all do, Ruby," said Weiss sympathetically, "But this parody has been fucking itself in the mouth for quite some time now."

"True dat!" chirped Penny unhelpfully.

"Yahoo!" shouted Yang elatedly as the Bumblebee rose from the trench victoriously. "You're all clear, kid! Now let's blow this thing and go home!" She grinned widely to her partner. "Nice shootin' Blake!"

"ROOOARRR" roared Chewblakea in triumph.

"Wait a minute. You've been with us since Tatooine all this time?" asked Ruby incredulously.

Blake roared in the affirmative.

"She says yes," translated Yang unnecessarily.

"We can read the subtitles," deadpanned Weiss.

"Whatever. Can we just skip to the award ceremony?" asked Yang boredly.

"Absolutely!" declared Weiss. "Ruby! For firing the incredible shot that destroyed the Death Star, for leading and facilitating my rescue from Imperial hands, and for wielding a massive scythe made of plasma and space magic, you get the Gold Cookie!"

"Yay!" cheered Ruby.

"Yang! For helping, you get the Silver Cookie!"

"You know, I don't think the original ceremony was quite so Olympian," remarked Yang. She bit into her award to see if it would fetch a good price at a pawn shop. It wouldn't.

"Blake! You get bronze because we didn't even know you were there most of the time."

Blake grunted in annoyance but accepted the Bronze Cookie.

"And with that, the movie's over! Buh-bye, and thanks for all the fish!"

AN: If you're reading this, congratulations on making it this far! And seriously, thanks for the fish. You know who you are. :P