Gone, But Not Forgotten
A Rurouni Kenshin alternate universe fan fiction by Iapetus
Disclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin.
Ok, this is going to be a short fic containing one of my most-feared 'what ifs.' I hope you enjoy it. It has been edited slightly from the original version due to name misspellings. That is all.
"Mother?" the young lady called out, concerned. She had long dark-blue hair, tied in the back with an indigo ribbon. Her eyes were the color of chocolate. By her side was a man who looked to be the same age. He had spiky brown hair that seemed to have a life of it's own. His eyes were the same as the old woman on the bed. The two youths looked at each other, almost at a loss on what to do.
The young man stepped forward, and the katana could be seen on his left side - safely in it's sheath. It was a crime to carry a weapon in the city of Tokyo, but the man never seemed to care about following such rules anyways. There were more important matters at hand.
"Mom?" he asked, his strong baritone voice rang out. The worry could not be hidden, and the old woman couldn't help but smile. Sagara Kaoru's twin children could always cheer her up. Frail hand rising above her bed, it appeared as though she were trying to reach out to them. Quickly, they flew to her side, ready to assist in anyway possible.
"My dear daughter..." she put her wizened hand on the girl's cheek. "You came back to me." The sadness in her face left for a fraction of a second. "I knew your brother would be able to get word to you. I'm sorry for pulling you away from your family."
"Mother, I couldn't leave you alone at a time like this..." the girl touched her mother's hand affectionately. She then seemed to be at a loss for words. Tears began to fall down gently from her face.
"Don't cry for me, dear daughter. I have seen enough tears to last me a lifetime. I don't wish to see more." The young woman bit her lip, and held back the tears. She had known what her mother went through at her age, and it was more than most people could bear. Her brother seemed to say nothing. They sat there for a moment, silence echoing in the room. The tranquility was shattered by the nock on the front entranceway. Both children rose to get it, and then seemed hesitant to leave their mother's side.
"Will you please get it for me, Sonomi?" Kaoru asked her daughter politely. "I would like a word alone with Souzo." The girl nodded, and left quickly. Both pairs of eyes watched her as she left. After a moment, her son spoke.
"What did you want to say to me, Mom?" he inquired politely, knowing it must be a delicate matter if she had asked his own twin sister to leave.
The old lady smiled, and patted his hand. She looked deeply into his eyes, and saw herself looking back. What was coming was going to be one of the hardest things for her to do in her life.
"How is the school going?" she wondered aloud. I haven't been able to be in there in over a month, much less teach. "I think I'm going senile," she laughed. "Then again, that's something your father would probably have said."
The man laughed with her in agreement. "You were always teasing each other. Sonomi and I never understood it."
"We were picking on each other even before we were married," she smiled. "That was when..."
"Yahiko and Kenshin were still here. I know," he reassured her. He had heard the stories hundreds of times, and it never ceased to amaze him about the company his mother used to keep. His own father was a rebel. Her first student became one of the best swordsmen in all of Japan - although not completely on her own technique. And the vagabond, who was once an assassin, seemed to be the nicest of them all. The smile broadened as she remembered the parts of her past. Then, her face darkened with anger, and then sadness. She turned back to her son, banishing all such emotion away.
"Well, how is the school doing? You never answered my question."
He sighed, defeated. Had she had a little more energy, Souzo would have liked to lead her on a bit more. She had always said he was like his father, and that was true in many respects. But now - now she had no energy, and it was no fun. Not to mention, with what little time she had left, he didn't want to waste it on something as stupid as a tiny argument.
"Three young boys came and asked to join. I'm not sure that their parents are aware of their request, so I am going to be going to their houses within the next week," he explained.
"Do they look like they could handle it?" she asked, intrigued.
"I don't know..." he hesitated. "They're awfully scrawny-"
"You'd be surprised at what a 'scrawny' kid could do. Even as adults, most of the best swordsmen and fighters I knew never looked muscular. Your father himself didn't appear to have a thirty-second of the strength he actually possessed. I would tease Yahiko about how he wouldn't be able to do it, and look where he is now!" She smirked. "Give the boys a chance."
There was a slight pause. Sonomi could be heard talking a distance away with another person. Souzo strained to distinguish the voice, but failed. He had never heard the man's voice in his life. Shrugging, he continued.
"Why did you send Sonomi away, Mom?" he asked bluntly. There would be no more small talk. He wanted to get to the point.
"Dearest," she started, "I just wanted to officially pass my title onto you." She paused. "You are the new master of the Kamiya Technique now."
He gasped, not knowing what to say. A minute later he found his voice, but it was not as firm as it was before. "Me? Master? But Mom, I'm not ready! You're still way better than me!" he protested.
The twinkle of an old woman disappeared from her eye. It was replaced by the cool, calculating look of a fighter. "It isn't a matter of if YOU feel you're ready. I was forced to take on the teaching of the technique long before I thought I was ready."
"But Mom," he protested, "That was different! Grandfather was killed; there was nothing you could do to prevent that!"
"Is it really different?" she questioned. "I am just giving you a heads-up. Even if I was to survive, there would be no way that an old woman like me could hold a sword to teach again." Souzo remained silent. She knew what was about to happen.
"I have been able to see you do your katas every morning. Not ready... hah! You remind me of when I was a little girl, and seeing my father warm up before classes. You have mastered the technique, whether you feel adequate or not."
The voice of his sister and the stranger grew louder. Souzo rose to greet them, leaving his mother's side for only a second.
Kaoru felt restless. She knew that death was close at hand, but something felt amiss. She was used to having a full house, but when she had gotten sick it felt empty and bare. Sonomi had married and moved to Kyoto. She was now pregnant with her first child. Yahiko had left the dojo once completing his training, and had infrequently stopped by to see her. Even though Souzo now ran the school for her, she felt lonely. Sanosuke, her husband, had died two months before she had gotten sick.
"Mother?" her daughter came in, out of breath. From the tone of her voice, as well as her body language, Kaoru could tell it was from excitement. "Mother, do you know whose here?"
She had no idea. Well, she had one, but it was too good to hope for. So, she gave her daughter a puzzled look, as if to tell her to speed up with her answer.
"Mother, Himura Kenshin is here!"
The world seemed to stop. Kenshin thought Kaoru hopefully, could it really be Kenshin? Through the door came her answer. He was in the same pink robes- worn, but well taken care of. A sword hung on his left side, the same sword Kaoru had remembered seeing so long ago.
The years had done its work on him as well, as age lines creased his one-smooth face. Well, it was always almost smooth. The cross-shaped scar still stood out among his other facial features. His hair was the same length as always, only now a snowy white opposed to the light red it used to be.
His eyes seemed to remain the same, though. To a stranger, he looked indifferent most of the time. But Kaoru had seem him face many battles, and could tell his emotions through his eyes. She longed for some happiness, but only guilt could be seen in them now. Despite the fact that he knew what she was feeling, he put on a smile. Kaoru could tell that he WAS happy to see her...
"If it wouldn't be too much trouble, could you two leave us alone for a minute?" Kenshin spoke for the first time. He was still polite, that was for sure. The twins looked at their mother to verify the command, and she nodded. Souzo took hold of Sonomi's arm, and the two of them walked out of the sunlit bedroom.
Kenshin's gaze lingered on their forms until they disappeared from view. He then closed his eyes, and a small smile appeared on his face. He opened them again, now looking at Kaoru. "They look just like their parents. When I first came in, I could have sworn I fell back into the past."
A million memories came rushing to her head. Memories she had tried to forget; emotions she had tried to suppress. It was the view of her life that she had never told her children, and that her husband and her never talked of. She felt as if her heart would burst. "Kenshin..." Tears trickled down her cheek and into her pillow. In response, he took her hand in his, and their fingers intertwined. Seeing her sadness seemed to unlock some of his own. His own eyes glistened, as if they were about to collect some water of it's own.
"Kaoru..."
Hearing him say her name felt so good, and yet so agonizing at the same time. She remembered the last night she had seen him, before he left her life forever. Or, at least she thought forever - for he was sitting on her bedside right now.
"Kenshin," she whispered again. "Why are you here?"
It was finally something he could answer- at least, partly. "I heard about you getting sick," he said, simply. "I had to come and see you again, before you-" his voice broke, and then he laughed. "It's funny," he chuckled half-heartily, "I always thought I'd be the first to die. Sanosuke is gone, and you're leaving too..."
"You left us first!" she said angrily. Tears were forming in her eyes again. "Why didn't you come back, Kenshin?" she demanded.
"I came to tell you about that," he started, but she interrupted.
"Sanosuke and Yahiko never forgave you, you know," the words were out before she could stop them. Kenshin laughed hollowly.
"I expected as much. I'm not surprised that they'd be furious at me - especially Sanosuke. He said that he wanted to make sure I was different from the other Imperialists. It looks like I wasn't."
Her expression softened slightly, seeing the masked hurt in his voice. "You were different, Kenshin, and I can see in your eyes that you still are." She paused, letting the fact sink in. "I knew you were a wanderer for years and years before we even met." Her voice broke again. "I just... I wished that you wouldn't wander anymore after living here. I thought, after seeing you so happy, that you had finally found a home.
"When you didn't return after the problems in Kyoto, I was heartbroken. I was in love with you Kenshin."
"You couldn't love me after Kyoto," he tried to explain; although it looked like he was trying to convince himself.
"I loved you even after knowing your past as an assassin. I know the atrocities you've committed. Yet, people can change! You're proof of that!" she pointed out. "And... And," she tried to continue. "I never got over you."
He shook his head, dejected. "Kaoru, I am no better than a killer. I'm past redemption."
"Don't say that!"
"No, it's the truth. There is no where else I CAN go but Hell after Kyoto," he answered cryptically.
"Why? What happened in Kyoto?" she prodded.
"You don't want to know."
She looked at him as though he was insane. "What are you talking about?" she demanded. "Of course I want to know! You didn't come back. I need to know why." He didn't respond.
"Why else did you come to see me?" she asked shrewdly. "I know you'd know I'd ask this if you came." Still, no response. "Kenshin," she paused, "if you don't answer me now, you might never get a chance to tell me. And if you don't tell me, I'll never forgive you," she added darkly.
"Can't the Megumi heal you?" he spoke sadly. "She was always a genius with medicine."
"Megumi is an incredible doctor, but this body had taken one beating too many." Her hand patted her abdomen, and she looked out the doorway. Her twins were talking across the yard. Looking up at her friend, she continued. "She cannot save me from age Kenshin, or the beating my body took in childbirth."
"I heard it was rough for you," he looked downcast. "Didn't you also have a lot of miscarriages before then as well?"
She nodded. "Five miscarriages, and one baby that died six months after she was born. That is why Sanosuke and I were such old parents, and why are kids are still so young." She chuckled at reference to her age. "Megumi told me that if we didn't stop trying to have kids, it'd kill me. Then I had the twins..."
"I'm sorry," Kenshin said quickly.
"What?" she inquired, mind snapping back to attention. Her eyes narrowed. "Which thing are you apologizing for?"
"Not being there when you needed me," he said quietly. "You were so close to death before... and I was not there." He paused, trying to find the words to say. "I wanted to see Yahiko complete his training, I wanted to be there for your wedding-"
"It wouldn't have done you any good, Kenshin," she spoke softly. "If I saw your face - if you came back - there would be no way I could marry Sanosuke." He looked startled, not realizing the extent of her feelings.
"I love you, Kenshin," she whispered. "My life with Sanosuke was bittersweet. He was there for me, but I always regretted not telling you my feelings sooner." She raised her other hand and touched his cross-scarred cheek. "I always wondered what could have been."
Kenshin looked out at her children, and then back at her. "I knew I loved you too when I knew I wouldn't be able to come back. I felt as if I didn't deserve that kind of happiness - not after the life I've led."
Eyes misting, Kaoru dropped her hand from his face, and rested it on their intertwined fingers. He put his other hand on hers as well. Her face was pleading, and she repeated the question. "Why did you not come back?"
He gulped, and looked down at the bed. "I reverted back to Battousai." There was silence in the room. Kaoru was about to retort when he continued. "No, Kaoru, it wasn't temporarily, like before.
"It was complete, and I could think of nothing but killing Shishio." He eyed her carefully. "You know how I was always so careful when I fought. I didn't want to kill again.
"But, when it came time to attack his hideout, I became bloodthirsty - and I killed them all." Kaoru gasped. She hadn't realized it had been like this.
"I broke an oath I swore unto myself. I desecrated a holy sword that used to be an offering in a temple. When I reverted back to my murderous nature, I felt as though I became the devil himself." His eyes were full of pain. "After delivering the final blow in the compound, I seem to snap out of the trance I was in." He took his hand off Kaoru's and covered his eyes with it. "There was blood everywhere. My sword had been saturated with it. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep the truth from you, or everyone else here. So, before Saito arrived on the scene, I escaped and went into hiding. There was no way I could go back to Tokyo."
He smiled sadly. "You were right in one sense, Kaoru. This was my home, if only for a while. But - I had forsaken all that when I killed Shishio and his men. When I returned to my senses, I became a wanderer again."
For several minutes, they said nothing. Snippets of Sonomi and Souzo's laughter could be heard in the calm air of mid-afternoon. Finally, Kaoru spoke.
"Kenshin, no human can reach the point past saving when they have a repentive heart. YOU were the one I fell in love with, not Battousai." She looked at him darkly then. "Of course, if you hadn't felt terrible after THAT, then of course I wouldn't have forgiven you."
"'You wouldn't have..'," he quoted. "Does that mean you do?"
She smiled. "Yes." Her hands slipped from her grip, and then lay sprawled on her bosom. She looked back into his eyes. "I love you, Kenshin."
Bending over, the two star-crossed lovers shared their first and final kiss. Then, with an expression of contentment on her face, Sagara Kaoru closed here eyes. The swordsman placed his hand above her heart. It had stopped beating.
"Goodbye, Kaoru." With that, he left the room.
First of all, I didn't really address how Kaoru and Sanosuke got together, because it wasn't the main point of the story. I think that deep down the two have a respect for each other, and that Sanosuke actually loved her a little bit. (Of course, I am also a Sanosuke/Megumi fan… go figure.) As I said before, this is an AU of something I hope would NEVER happen.
This story was originally written in May of 2003, but was reformatted in January of 2005 because some of the more recent changes that has been making messed up with the format of my story. I also consolidated the two chapters (which weren't even chapters in the first place) into a single one.
Comments and criticisms appreciated.
-Iapetus