Hey, So I'm back with a new ShuJodie fanfic, I just can't get enough of them and seeing the unfair shortage of fics about them, I'm trying my best to fill the gap.
This is my First attempt to write something from the "I" point of view. Usually, I only use "I" when writing for my diary, so be easy on me and please read and review.
Loving someone is one of the most vulnerable positions in which you can be. It's a feeling that… it just happens to you. And No, it's nothing like the things you see in movies, it doesn't always end in a happily ever after. Love sucks! How do I know that? Well, I had to learn it the hard way.
I still remember the first time I met him as if it was yesterday. It was a gathering at a conference room in the bowels of the New York Field Office, and it happened to be the first time I get summoned –thanks to James- to a conference about the black organization.
I was so excited that day. I made sure to drink two coffees before going in so that I can stay sharp and focused through the whole thing. It was the reason that made me join the FBI after all, and after working on a bunch of unrelated small missions, I was finally getting a chance to work on it.
There was almost no one inside the room when I got in and took a seat, but soon after, people started gathering, among them James who came and took a seat next to me.
"Jodie!" he sighed "I still hope that you don't get yourself involved in this, it's not too late, the conference hasn't started yet"
"James, you know I wouldn't miss that!" I said, but his wrinkled face still looked unhappy. I knew he didn't want me to get involved, he made that clear several times before, but having him promising me this position was the only reason I joined the Witness Protection Program as he wished twenty years ago, so he had to do me this favor.
"They're dangerous! Your father wouldn't want you to be involved with-"
"My father would totally want me to be involved with them" I interrupted him with a slightly louder, confident tone "c'mon James, you knew him, I'm sure you'll know that"
"Hell, he would want you to" the old man gave a nostalgic smile as memories flashed through his mind "your father was the most badass agent I knew… along with that man over there" James said, fixing his eyes on the man who just entered the room.
I turned around to look at him. He was tall and handsome … and he had beautiful distinguished eyes that made his look seem too deep and mysterious. But again! Love is nothing like in movies. I didn't keep my eyes fixed on him for ten minutes nor felt butterflies in my stomach "what about him?" I just asked casually.
"He is one of the best agents we have, I'm sure that he's going to have a big role in destroying the organization, you'll just see" it was then that the conference officially started, the lights turned off and an agent standing in front of a big screen started presenting the file "we'll talk to him when this is done" James whispered one last time.
I turned my eyes to the talking agent, listening carefully to everything he said, and watching cautiously every graph or picture that appeared on the screen behind him, and writing passionately every little detail that I thought could help.
But it didn't last long, within ten minutes my attention drew to something else, to one man in particular. And as everyone was sitting down busy taking notes, that man who happened to be 'the best agent' chose to stand instead with his back leaning against the wall, observing the proceedings silently while taking sips from time to time out of a canned coffee.
He looked bored to me, kind of detached and it made me believe that either he isn't as good as described or he's a narcissist. But now, I know better.
Later that day, James introduced us, and I didn't bother hiding the theories I formed on him. He looked surprised for a while before responding, proving me wrong since he somehow managed to memorize all the details they talked about, so I insisted instead that he already knew them from a precedent conference.
Anyways, on that weird day, Shuichi and I couldn't stop talking… or fighting, and eventually winded up having dinner, the three of us together.
He liked my audacity to say what I said, and I liked how he always had something to say back.
It was on our way home that James noted how weird that day was, stating that Shuichi isn't a talkative person, and how this was the first time he's ever seen him talk that much.
"You're the first person to get him to talk Jodie! That's a talent we're going to need"
"See! Told you you're gonna need me" I smirked.
On the days that followed, we didn't fight. Instead, we exchanged smiles and small talks, small talks that evolved into long conversations.
We started spending more time together, building new memories. It was too easy for me to trust him that it scared me. I told him all about my past experiences, about my dreams and ambitions in life revealing my deepest secrets and desires, and he did the same… although not as much as me but I respected that, knowing how he was.
I exposed myself to him with all of my flaws, and he accepted it. by that time, he knew me too well to the point of knowing what makes me happy or sad, what it takes to make me laugh or even what I do every morning soon as I wake up.
He was handsome and seems like more than one girl hoped to get close to him before, but he's always been that introverted guy making the mission of getting close to him almost impossible. I felt lucky for being close to him, it made me feel hopeful, and before I knew it, I was in love.
I loved him, and my eyes spoke to me. But luckily, his eyes understood and didn't take long to respond… a response in form of a kiss on my lips that sent me to a ride to heaven.
I wouldn't lie, he was a hard to get and getting him made me feel special, it was as if I was a girl at high school and the popular guy fell for me. He was dangerous and hard to control, only adding to the combination of making him toxic to every woman he meets.
In the beginning, you might feel like it's the most beautiful feeling in the world… yeah, I guess it was… I remember that day he first kissed me and whispered that he loved me, it sent me over the moon. I remember all the days that followed, like how he'd hug me with his tall body and sweep me off my feet when we spend a long time without seeing each other, raising my feet to not touch the ground and my heart to fly to the sky. It felt just right back then, but now… it only causes pain.
I loved Shuichi, I adored him and I was ready to move mountains for him. He was always there around me and even when he wasn't, he was present in my thoughts. I see something that I like, and he crosses my mind immediately like I should show him this thing! I wonder if he'd like it too! What would he think of it?
He was everywhere, every time, he was everything…
Our relation proceeded for a whole year, and I say it again! It was nothing like in movies, he was still that same stoic, introverted person who rarely dispensed affectionate gestures, but I liked him that way, cause that made every little thing coming from him more appreciated.
Like the times he served me breakfast in bed, or every time he convinces me to ditch work so we can lay around all day, picks us a movie to watch, then distract me with his kisses from the movie altogether, or when he takes ugly pictures of me without me noticing, well, everyone looks ugly in those pictures… Umm, at least, that's what I hope.
Bottom-line, we loved each other, we shared a beautiful romance entangled with heated debates, crazy fights, and passionate sex and everything was just right. Until one day, he was called for a mission and had to leave for Japan.
I'm not going to go through the details of how hard it was to have him away, especially that he was on a mission that threatened his life, and what's worst is that he had to date another girl.
You might think that I need to reorganize my priorities, but I don't really. Shu was a smart and capable agent, I never doubted that he was going to infiltrate the organization successfully, and I knew well enough how much of a mission freak he was, so there's no way in hell he'd let something lead them to know he's an FBI agent.
But the girl, on the other hand, was another story. Knowing his nature and how rare it is for him to get close to people was reassuring, plus Shu was a one-woman man, he loved me and that was enough for him to make his own boundaries with the other girl, I was so convinced of that like a hundred percent.
Do you know that feeling when you miss someone so much that it makes your body ache physically? That's how it was to have him away. He kept texting me regularly, and we skyped whenever he had the chance but it was never enough.
He never talked about her and I never asked, but an idea was always on the back of my mind, I mean even if he didn't like her, they're going to date, and we all know what people do when dating… It bothered me honestly but whenever I talked to him, I found myself smiling, it was him, my Shu and he made me feel as if nothing was different from having him around at my apartment in new york.
I don't know how but he magically managed to make me feel special every time we talked, it reassured me that he loved me, that he's always going to be mine.
I remember that damned day when I flew to Japan and borrowed James car to go meet him in Osaka. It was a nice day at first, we had dinner and had fun until he decided to break things off on the drive home.
It was shocking to me... I don't blame him for my chock, maybe he was sending me clues about his will to end things but I didn't understand, but it's not my fault, he was confusing and having him not expressing his affection was normal to me.
I was shocked and got stuck in a state of denial, he can't just… he loves me, I was sure, how could he stop! How could he love someone else? But then he didn't say he loves her, he said he's in love with two women so he still loves me…
I gave James back his car and headed to my hotel room where I stopped overthinking what he said, the reason he broke up with me was irrelevant cause it was going to f***ing suck anyways.
My expectations were right, it did suck and hurt that night as I cried a liter of tears. The question of how come he stopped loving me got tens of answers from my shattered heart, all coming to me in the form of "I'm not good enough" "I'm not loveable" and of course "I'm worthless."
He texted me the night that followed -as I was about to get on my plane back to New York- claiming that we should give each other some space now and that he's sorry … so he was trying to preserve our friendship. But I felt like never seeing him again because things are going to be awkward.
Shuichi hurt me so badly like I've never been hurt before. Yet I mourned his absence as I wandered around my apartment in sweatpants with a tub of ice cream, I loved him and still wondered if he thought of me or was just having fun with the new girl, Then, I wondered if he cared at all, even just a little bit. I started imagining them happy together and believed she was a better person than me, the idea wrecked me and made me even more depressed.
I couldn't get out of bed, I called in sick to work, I felt depressed, I felt sorry for myself, I felt immobilized… this is where loving him got me.
It wasn't until six months later that we moved on to the awkward part, he was coming to America for a week and we were planned to have a conference. God, I was dying to see him, I had a lot of news to share with him after six months with no talking, but everything I wanted was too much…
I loved Shuichi, I still do and I think a part of me always will. I eventually came to the conclusion that I should just move on, Shu was something else, a breakup wasn't worth sacrificing him, I was happy and satisfied just for getting the chance to work with him and that was enough. Little by little, we built our way out of awkwardness, although I'm sure he does notice the times I secretly stare at him wishing I could just grab him and hug the crap out of him. Sure he was there, but without the hug, I always feel like I'm missing him.
Here I am attempting to move on with my life, I'm working on me and on hunting down the organization. But don't you think that the curse is over, I wake up in the morning every day because it didn't hurt so much, I'm stuck in his love forever, it's been almost five years and it still hurts. No one was able to steal my heart again, in fact, I'll never open my heart the way I did with him again.
I couldn't move on because, in my eyes, the two of us was an amazing love story, and we still can be that, he just can't see it, he's stupid… He doesn't understand how happy I could make him.
This is how I know love sucks...