How deep is my love

Everything began in high school. A new pupil, extremely weird as all the others would say. But for me, Loki was unique. Not only because he was very clever and open-minded, but also because he challenged the ''standards'' of the others pupils. He was a long black-haired and tall young man. His eyes were extremely beautiful, green but not only green. I mean, those eyes, I had the impression I could die looking at them for the rest of my life. Well, this interpretation began to emerged when I fell in love with him. I was his only friend, because others found him odd. Throughout high school, I slowly fell in love with him, but I never told him. Why ? Well, I didn't want to lose him.

We went to the same college and it was at that time that Loki told me he loved me since we were in high school. Thus, we kissed, we made love, we lived together and, after college, I asked him to marry me. Everything was perfect, fine and awesome.

Till the day I learnt he had cancer. I remembered this day. He went home after a day working at the college, because he was a lecturer. He put down his stuffs on the table and walked towards me. Here, he stayed silent and stared at me. I remembered the expression on his eyes. They were full of tears. I stood up and took his hands on mine. They were cold and shaking.

"Loki, is everything ok ?"

He smiled sadly. "I am gonna die, my dear love."

And...he did. Few months later, Loki disappeared and I found myself alone on this apartment we had bought, alone lying on this bed, alone sitting at the table, alone...

"Are you ok, Tony ?"

It was Rhodey who asked me that when we were having lunch one day. If I was ok ? No. No I was not. I missed my Loki so much. I missed his eyes, his arms, his lips, his body, his intelligence, his laugh. I missed him so, so much. I began crying without fully realizing it. He looked around us, as though he was tried to reassure the people looking at me.

"Go home Tony, have a rest, do some stuff to occupy your mind, I don't know man, you can't stay like that..."

I smiled. Yeah, I cannot.

That's why it happened.

It refers to what happened when I went home. I found myself alone in the bedroom. I opened the closet and smiled when I saw the clothes of my husband. Those were elegant, smart and sometimes sexy clothes. Loki has always been someone with style. He was both arrogant in his way to behave but you were also very envious because he was sophisticated. Again, I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. They slowly rolled on my cheeks and then...

Unconsciously, I grabbed a black jeans and a green shirt, watched the clothes...and undressed. Then, I put the clothes on and looked at me in the mirror. Suddenly, the image Loki appeared, smiling at me, incredibly handsome as usual.

I stayed here for a very long time and all of a sudden, this ritual became necessary for me. I had to wear Loki's clothes, I had to feel he was still present with me, even though it would imply I have to dress like him. I even shaved and bought a wig, because Loki couldn't be Loki if there was the black hair missing.

The thing is that people began to worry about me. Once, I have met Rhodey on the streets, and I was wearing Loki's clothes, even the wig. At the beginning, he had not really understood, then he had opened his eyes wide and had looked at me. I can understand why he was worrying, but there was no absolute reason. I was doing perfectly well wearing those and feeling as my Loki.

The night, laying on the bed wearing Loki's pyjamas, there was no more nightmares. They had completely disappeared, as though my husband has revived. Even during the day, I was totally satistied to feel I was making him live again.

But, of course, because you know there's always a but, people were quite alright regarding my health, especially my mental health. I was...disturbed. It was as though I was not able to forget him. Of course I couldn't, but I couldn't detache myself from the idea that he was no longer here, with me. That's why I began dressing like him, be Loki in fact.

Rhodey was the first to point out the fact to me. And he was right. I had nosebleed for days before he told me I had a problem. I knew I had one, but when someone finally realises it, you begin to be concern.

"Tony, it's ok. I am not judging you. It's just...You are hurting yourself...You have to let him go."

I stared to the floor sadly. Of course I had to, but I couldn't. The black wig I was wearing strokes my cheeks when I moved my head and this simply touch made me so happy. Rhodey couldn't understand, of course, but it was all.

"I know," I whispered.

He smiled gently. "Ok. Then, could you please take this wig off."

It was when he touched - my hair -Loki's hair- the wig- whatever – that it happened again. My nose bled hugely and soon, my trousers was stained, even the green shirt I was wearing. And I passed out.

When I woke up, there was no need to be a genius to understand I was in the hospital. Or I'd rather say, an asylum. What was wrong in loving someone so much you would totally erase who you were to let this person be again ?

Rhodey explained he had called them only because I did harm to me, not because he wanted me to be in an asylum. Of course, I knew it. I was not entirely a fool, as doctors or nurses would rather think. I was just in love. The night, tied to the discomfortable bed I dreamt of Loki, and on the morning, I had bled. Thinking of my husband was endangering my health, but I could never stop. How would you ?

So now you would ask me what else ? You would think this is the end.

Well, it was not.

Weeks after that, I learnt but a heartless doctor of the asylum I had cancer. Maybe were the cigarettes and the bottles of alcohol I drank when I was younger responsible. Or maybe was it the destructive behaviour or those former weeks...?

Now, you know, I was not far from the end, but it was ok. Everything was ok. Do not cry, I'm alright. I just want you to know, yeah you, the person reading those nonsense lines that I am finally happy. My love for him is so deep that I am able to join him where he's lying waiting for me.

And now, I am determine to show him how deep is my love, till death do us part. Well, my love is much more deeper despite death.

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The end.

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