The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone on a binge somewhere. Now obviously, people doing drugs and drinking isn't funny. But having fictional characters get drunk and bombed out of their tiny little minds is.
And let's be honest, if you know anything about Archer, you can pretty much see this coming. (Phrasing) So this is just…
Mallory's Lost Afternoon
"All right why does everyone but me call meetings around here?" Cyril grumbled as the majority of the Figgis Agency entered into the bullpen. "This is my agency!"
"As you have told us so many times," Lana sighed as she stood before them. "But this is important."
"Shouldn't Ms. Archer be here?" Cheryl asked.
"No, because this meeting is about her," Lana said.
"Oh is this another Ms. Archer bash?" Cheryl asked brightly. "Do we get to whack the piñata?"
"The what?" Lana asked.
"The piñata made up to look like Ms. Archer," Cheryl said.
"It's not that kind of meeting Cheryl," Pam sighed.
Lana did a double take. "Are you telling me that you guys sometimes make a Mallory shaped piñata just to bash it? What do you have tiny little booze bottles inside?"
"We tried that at first," Pam said. "But the bottles kept getting broken so we decided to stick to alcohol flavored candies."
"Sometimes we don't bother filling them at all," Cheryl smiled. "Sometimes we just burn them and dance around naked."
"You burn them and dance around naked," Pam corrected. "Not that I'm complaining…"
"Lana, you might want to just forget you heard that and just press on," Cyril groaned. "You know how this group doesn't exactly have the longest attention span so…"
"Fine. Guys I'm worried about Mallory," Lana said.
"We're all worried about Ms. Archer," Ray said. "Worried that one night in our sleep she'll slit our throats."
"I'm serious!" Lana said. "She has been having mood swings since Archer has been in a coma and some really heavy drinking binges."
"Again…That's why we're worried she'll slit our throats in our sleep," Ray said.
"Aw ease up Ray," Pam said. "The woman's son is in a coma. She has no idea if he's going to die or live the rest of this life as a vegetable. Having a kid go through that would make anyone crazy."
Pam paused. "That being said, you are right about the throat slitting Ray."
"Ms. Archer wasn't exactly a model of sanity and sobriety before this happened," Cyril agreed. "It's like we don't know how she is going to be day by day. Some days she's depressed and despondent. Other days she pretends nothing is wrong."
"And then there are the days when you know any minute she's going to pull out her gun and start shooting us all," Ray added.
"That's not funny Ray!" Lana barked.
"Who said it was funny?" Ray snapped. "She hates me! I know I'll be her first target!"
"Second," Cheryl corrected. "After Pam. But before me and Krieger."
"You have a point," Ray nodded.
"Plus you have bionic legs so all you have to do is run and duck," Krieger added.
"All the more reason to stay vigilant around here," Ray said. "My point is that Ms. Archer has more moods than a multiple personality disorder clinic! You never know what is going to happen with her!"
"Well it's almost two in the afternoon and she hasn't gotten back from lunch yet," Cyril said. "And since she left at ten thirty…Yeah. Odds are she's going to be drunk when she gets back."
"And mean," Ray said.
"And ug-leeeeeee," Cheryl drawled for effect.
"Come on guys!" Lana admonished. "Mallory is going through one of the worst things a parent can go through. Of course, she's going to be angry and in pain and…."
"Good afternoon everybody!" Mallory walked in happy and chipper. "It's such a beautiful wonderful day, today isn't it? It was so nice today I actually walked from the restaurant back to work! I don't think people walk enough, do you?"
Everyone just stared at Mallory in shock.
Mallory went on. "It just makes you feel better when you walk and breathe the fresh air!"
"In LA?" Cyril asked.
"Well I guess there is a new fresh batch of smog today," Ray added. "With some wonderful new chemicals put in."
Mallory laughed happily. "Oh, Ray you are so funny! That's what I love about you! You can be such a wit! Now if you'll excuse me! I just have to go tidy my office. Oh I love making things neat and tidy! Ta!"
That was when Mallory skipped out of the room happily. Leaving the rest of the agency in shock.
"Well this is new," Cyril blinked.
"Was she just…" Lana blinked. "Skipping?"
"I believe she was," Krieger remarked.
"It's like when Sybil revealed a new personality," Ray remarked.
"More like a freaking body snatcher," Pam was stunned. "She was even nice to Ray? Was anybody else freaked out by that?"
"I was," Ray said.
"I think I'd better go check on her," Lana went after Mallory.
"I think we'd better get a straightjacket," Cyril remarked.
"Damn," Krieger snapped his fingers. "The one time I remember to take them to the dry cleaners!"
"Mallory?" Lana asked as she went into Mallory's office. Mallory was happily dancing around. "Are you okay?"
"Oh I'm fine Lana! Fiiiiiiiiine!" Mallory grinned. "Just fine. I've been a teensy little depressed lately so I've been taking these pills. And they're great!"
"Pills? What kind of pills?" Lana asked. "Where did you get pills that… KRIEGER!"
"Oh, why does this not surprise me?" Ray was heard shouting.
"Yeeeeess?" Krieger asked as he walked in with the others.
"Care to explain this?" Lana pointed at Mallory who was back to dancing around.
"Interpretive dance?" Krieger asked.
"Not the type of dancing you idiot!" Lana barked. "What pills did you give Mallory?"
"Just some regular pills," Krieger shrugged.
"Tra la la!" Mallory danced out of the room.
"Does that look like you just gave her regular pills?" Cyril snapped.
"It looks like she's on a one-way trip to Crazy Town," Cheryl snorted.
"Put on a happy face!" Mallory sang. "Just spread sunshine all over the place and put on a happy face!"
"God I like her better mean," Ray winced. "This is just not natural!"
"You have to admit she does have some good moves," Pam remarked.
"Krieger no more pills," Cyril sighed. "Except in cases of emergencies."
"I've been giving her sugar pills," Krieger told him.
"Seriously?" Pam gasped. "Well then what the hell is she on?"
"Cheryl why the hell are you smiling?" Ray snapped. "Oh god what did you give her? You damn groovy bears?"
"Like I would share those with her!" Cheryl scoffed. "Just a pack of LSD laden breath strips."
"That would do it," Krieger said as Mallory danced past the office.
"Yeah, she's bombed," Cheryl laughed.
"I am definitely recording this," Pam used her phone to capture the moment. "Archer is never going to believe it!"
"I'm seeing it and I don't believe it!" Ray exclaimed.
"Great I knew Mallory would go on some kind of bender," Lana groaned. "But I didn't think it would get this bad!"
"She's not shooting at us or spouting hateful obscenities," Cyril said. "It's not that bad."
"Oh everyone," Mallory poked her head in. "I just had to stop and let you know how much I love you all. Each and every one of you mean so much to me. I love you!" She then skipped away.
That scared the members of the Figgis Agency to their core. "Okay that's bad," Cyril gulped.
Cheryl had a worried look on her face. "Guys this has gone too far even for me!"
"I'm calling Ron," Lana groaned.
"You can't," Cyril said. "He's out of town for the next couple of days to check on his business remember?"
"How do you know that?" Lana said.
"Because you told me!" Cyril snapped. "Damn it woman don't you remember any of our conversations?"
"Honestly…" Lana shrugged. Cheryl and Pam laughed.
"Shut up!" Cyril snapped at Cheryl and Pam.
"Did you get what Lana said?" Cheryl asked Pam who was still filming.
"Oh yeah," Pam nodded.
"So now what do we do?" Ray asked.
"Well for starters," Krieger looked out the window. "We really should get her out of the street. She might get run over."
BEEEEP!
"Ooh, that was a close one," Krieger remarked.
"Oh dear God!" Cyril yelled as they ran out to grab Mallory.
"This place has more drama than a soap opera," Ray grumbled.
The following morning…
"Huh?" Mallory sat up from the couch in the bullpen only to find her movements restricted. She was partially covered with a blanket but she could tell she was tied up.
"Oh good you're awake," Lana sighed as she walked in. "How are you feeling Mallory?"
"That depends," Mallory said. "Why am I tied up?"
"Because we didn't want you to hurt yourself or anyone else," Lana said. "You kind of went on a bender yesterday."
"Ah," Mallory nodded. "That explains the rope. And the blanket?"
"So, you wouldn't get cold while you slept it off," Lana told her.
"Good plan," Mallory said as Lana untied her.
"You're not upset that we tied you up?" Lana asked.
"No, I know that sometimes I can get a little violent and reckless when I take a ride on the Pill Train," Mallory told her. "Sometimes being tied up is the safest way to go."
"We thought so," Lana said.
"So am I late to clock out?"
"Mallory it's 9:45 AM," Lana said.
"Oh well then I'm early," Mallory waved as she got up.
"On a Wednesday," Lana said. "You've been high as a kite since yesterday afternoon."
"But I'm still on time, right?" Mallory asked as she went to get her purse on the bar. "So, what's the problem?"
"The fact that you don't remember what happened yesterday isn't a problem?" Lana asked.
"Did I shoot anyone?" Mallory asked as she took out a brush.
"No."
"Did I have sex with anyone?"
"No."
"Did I agree to do something ridiculously stupid like give money to charity?"
"No."
"Then there's no problem," Mallory shrugged as she brushed back her hair.
"Mallory how can you honestly say that you have no problem not remembering what you did yesterday?" Lana asked. "That you have no problem having a blackout of an entire afternoon? What am I saying? You're the mother of a man who has no problem having a blackout of half his life!"
"Oh relax Lana," Mallory took out a packet of breath strips from her purse. "This isn't exactly a new experience for me. Hell how do you think I got through some of my honeypot slash assassination missions back in the day? And quite a few PTA meetings."
"Mallory don't take those!" Lana gasped.
"Why not?"
"Mallory, those are the LSD breath strips," Lana warned. "Cheryl gave you LSD breath strips!"
"Yeah, I know," Mallory gave her a look before taking two. "I'm not an idiot Lana!"
"What? You knew…?" Lana gasped.
"Well I had to take something when I realized those so-called pills Krieger gave me were fake!" Mallory snapped. "Didn't even give me a halfway decent buzz."
"Wait if you knew about all that why are you taking those LSD strips now?" Lana asked.
"Because I'm still depressed and these are cheaper than Prozac!" Mallory snapped. "And a lot more fun."
"You were having a little too much fun yesterday!" Lana barked.
"I didn't kill anyone or burn the place to the ground," Mallory scoffed. "How bad could it have been?"
"Mallory, you were skipping," Lana said.
"Rare but not unheard of," Mallory shrugged.
"You were singing and skipping," Lana added.
"As long as I was in key I don't see the problem," Mallory shrugged.
Lana added. "You were even nice to Ray!"
"Oh dear god I went too far," Mallory gasped.
"You think?" Lana barked. "You told all of us that you loved us!"
"Even Pam?"
"Even Pam," Lana said. "You gave her a hug. Then told her she was a beautiful human being. That's when we decided it was best to tie you up."
"Okay I see why you're so worried now," Mallory winced. "And the fact that I just took two more of these…Yeah. I see the problem. By the way good call on tying me up in that instance. Could have done that before I hugged Pam but you didn't know. But you do now for future reference."
Lana told her. "Mallory, you can't use LSD laden breath strips to deal with what's happening to Archer!"
"You're right," Mallory realized. "I'm going to have to drink some alcohol in order to balance it out. Bourbon should do the trick."
"You're drinking bourbon?" Lana gasped as Mallory grabbed a bottle.
"Well I can't drink scotch," Mallory said as she poured herself a drink. "That combination for some reason gets me even more hyper. Gin doesn't really do anything. Champagne makes me feel deflated and even more depressed. Vodka and absinthe are out of the question. There's no rum. So that leaves the bourbon by default."
"Mallory, you can't just take a bunch of LSD and then expect bourbon to even you out!" Lana shouted as Mallory took a drink.
"I don't expect it, Lana!" Mallory snapped. "This takes years of experienced drinking to find out the right combination for your individual body chemistry! Idiot!"
"Yeah I'm the idiot!" Lana walked away in disbelief. "Wait, I still work for that woman. So yeah…I am an idiot!"