The Day the Music Died
Disclaimer: Nope, not mine. If it were, the last 30sec of the season finale wouldn't have happened. Even if they didn't sleep together.
A/N: I apologize for the corny title, but I couldn't help myself.
They wondered why it happened. It had been ten years since the town troubadours had stopped singing about beavers and Volvos, and began to sing epic ballads about love and loss, and letting go in the middle of the street by a diner. The popular theory for a while was because of him, but that was proven wrong over time. It is seriously difficult to purposefully avoid someone in this town, just ask Dean, and so eventually she made her way back to the diner, and eventually the pregnant pauses decreased in frequency. But she still remained a mere shadow of her former self, and so they wondered why. Why did she stop drinking coffee? Why did she become withdrawn and quiet, her love of life clearly missing? Why did the sparkle fade? Why did she stop laughing? Why did the music die?
She just wanted to be loved. That unconditional, no-holds-barred, I-love-you-despite-yourself kind of love. The gold standard. Even before she knew what it was, she wanted it. That was her goal, her dream. And who better to teach you of this love than your parents? So she tried. She loved them like that, they were her parents, but they were from a different world. The conditional type world. Where nothing was ever good enough, she wasn't good enough, and so she stopped trying because she was tired of getting hurt. At 10 she discovered this, and began to erect the armor of sarcasm and wit to protect herself. But she couldn't help it when it came to them. They were her parents, and she just wanted to be accepted by them. But every time she thought it was getting better, that they accepted her, they would do something, slamming that door in her face. So she learned that kind of love didn't exist, and you would get hurt trying to get it. So why bother?
She would always love Chris as a friend because he gave her Rory. Her magical daughter who taught her that she WAS worth loving in the non-conditional kind of way. And she made sure as best as she could that Rory knew it too. She would always be there for her, always loving her no matter what she did. And she did. Even when her baby girl slept with a married man and their relationship changed. She no longer felt comfortable telling Rory her opinions; she could feel Rory slip away and didn't want to push. And then her baby girl rejected her, rejected her unconditional love, to live with the people where life was about status, and deeds, and nothing was ever enough. The girl who had taught her that she was worth loving rejected her for the life she ran away from. But at the time, she had Luke.
Luke, through 8 years of friendship, and 2 years of dating, taught her that he would always be there. Despite exes, engagements, marriage, punk nephews, termites, and inns, he would always be in her corner. He would always love her despite herself. That night at her new inn, the night everything changed, she knew this. Knew that this was what she had been frantically searching for all her life. Standing right in front of her. And she wanted it, wanted it so bad. So she threw caution to the wind, acknowledged what had been building 8 years, and let herself fall, knowing he would catch her. The best part about being loved unconditionally she found, was loving unconditionally. That's what she did with him. She had never opened herself up like that before, for fear of rejection, but she knew that he would never reject her. He already knew her faults, her quirks, and yet he was still here. She felt safe. She had done it, achieved the gold standard.
She should have known that it wouldn't last. She knew he wasn't telling her something, but she didn't want to push. The last time she pushed, she lost him and it almost killed her. Two months later, she found out. After that, he started to shut her out of his life. Started to live a life that was "No Lorelai Allowed" And she let him. It hurt, it hurt a lot, but again, she couldn't lose him. She loved him too much to lose him now. He was her last chance, and she was going to hang on. She tried to hide it, and must have been successful, but everybody knew something was wrong, except him. Finally, she pushed. She was desperate. She had to know if he still accepted her, loved her unconditionally. And with his hesitance, his insistence for time, she got her answer. It was a long time coming, a very long time, many could see the buildup, but still he asked for time. As she walked away, she knew that was it. So she ran to the person who she hoped would comfort her, tell her she was worth it. That's all she wanted, a hug. Instead she got strings, shame, and guilt.
That morning, she knew it was over. She had tried, but the three people that should have loved her unconditionally rejected her. Her parents, her daughter, and her best friend all told her in different ways that she was too much work. They didn't need her love to survive. They didn't need her. Three strikes and your out. That's what unconditional, no-holds-barred, I-love-you-despite-yourself kind of love was. A myth, a gold standard that could never be reached. She wasn't worth it, and never would be. That was the day the music died.
END