UNEXPECTED
Abby stood on the sidewalk, staring up at Luka, her heart in her throat. "Oh, man," she muttered, looking down at the ground. But she had to do it now. She had to get it out in the open, for better or worse. She couldn't keep this bottled up any longer.
She looked back up at him. "I'm pregnant," she blurted.
He looked down at her, seemingly frozen save for the trace of shock on his face. Her gaze faltered, dread welling up inside her. His lack of reaction was telling in and of itself. This was too much too soon. It changed too much, and in spite of what he'd said it was going to ruin everything.
She tipped her head back to the sky and blinked away the emotion crowding in on her. She couldn't lose it right here on the street. If this was going to screw things up between then, she needed to get past this awkward moment and go somewhere private to deal with it. But God, she didn't want things between them to be screwed up.
"Okay, you have to say something," she said with a tremor in her voice. "Anything, I don't care what. Just please say something."
He blinked several times and shook his head a little, as if throwing off a daze. "You're...when did you find out?"
"This morning," she murmured, clenching her hands into fists and releasing them. She wanted to touch him, wanted to feel him, but she couldn't until she knew what he was thinking. "I went up to Coburn's office before I came downstairs."
"It's pretty early," he murmured. "How did you even suspect...?"
"My period was late, and I'm never late," she said in a rush. "And I know we used..." She trailed off, taking a deep breath to try and calm herself down. It didn't work. "But I knew that it was still possible, so I went and had Coburn do the test so that I wouldn't have to keep wondering, and then it was positive, and I've spent all day trying to figure out how to tell you. And I've been scared, because this means so much to me and I don't want to mess it all up, and..."
She trailed off again when Luka took a step to close the space between them. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close to him. "Shhh," he whispered. "It's going to be all right."
On a sigh she wrapped her arms around him and held on. They stood there for a long moment as statues, an island unto themselves, with only a gentle breeze stirring their hair. Abby held onto him, trying to calm her raging emotions. She hated losing control, but this situation felt uncontrollable. Because in spite of the fact that he was holding her, she still wasn't sure of his feelings. She had no idea what he was thinking.
When the breeze hit her and she shivered, Luka said, "Why don't we go somewhere to talk?"
"Okay," she murmured, not wanting to let him go.
With Luka keeping an arm around her shoulder, they walked down the street and toward his car, the party completely forgotten. He held the door open for her, and when she was settled he climbed in himself, and then they drove off to see what was next.
Abby wondered if he'd somehow known that it would be easier to do this at her own apartment. Not that she didn't enjoy spending time at Luka's, but somehow, surrounded by her own things, she thought it might be a little easier to talk things out here.
When they got inside, she turned on only a lamp before sinking down to her couch. She tipped her head back and closed her eyes on a long sigh.
Luka sat down beside her, and for several long moments there was there was silence. Luka took her hand and held it lightly. "Tell me what you're afraid of," he murmured.
She gave him a watery laugh, but there was no humor behind it. "What am I not afraid of?" she asked, more to herself than to him. He remained silent, encouraging her to go on. And because it was Luka sitting beside her, Luka holding her hand, she found courage somewhere and went on. "I'm afraid of losing you," she whispered.
His grip on her hand tightened a little. "You won't, Abby."
"We only just found each other again," she said, finally looking over at him, "and now everything is going to change."
"It doesn't have to change for the worse," he said.
"It's just...I don't..." She groaned, shaking her head and staring at the wall. She wanted it to be different this time. She wanted to be able to talk to him about the things that mattered, and the things that didn't. But damn, it was still hard. It was hard to admit her faults, her shortcomings.
"You don't...what?"
Just spit it out, she told herself. Rip off the bandaid and get it over with. "I don't know how to be a mother," she said, a hint of dejection and fear in her voice. "I mean, mine wasn't exactly the best example, you know? I don't know what I'm doing."
"I always thought you'd be a great mother," he said quietly, leaning down to plant a soft kiss on her head.
"You did?" she asked, surprised.
"Mmm hmm," he murmured. "I know how much you care about people. I've seen you with your patients. You're very good with the children."
"But that's different than having a child of my own," she said. "I'm with my patients for a few hours at most. The only decisions I make for them are medical ones."
"Didn't you tell me once that you took care of your brother a lot when he was little?"
She smiled a little that he remembered something from so long ago, but the smile faltered. "That's the...that's the other thing." The other thing, she thought derisively. Her biggest fear. The reason she'd ended her pregnancy while married to Richard. The reason her father had walked out. Her family's curse.
"What?"
She shook her head and sighed again. Images of the past floated through her mind; Maggie in one of her manic phases...the scared looks on Eric's face when she would come after them. She stood up suddenly and paced the length of her small living room. She tapped her fingers on the wall, but ultimately she went back to the couch and sat next to Luka.
"What if the baby is bipolar?"
He pulled her close and held her against him, again seeming to know exactly what she needed. A solid connection. "That's only a small chance," he said.
"I'm not strong enough to handle it."
"If that happened, you won't have to do it alone," he assured her, his voice urgent, his hold on her reassuring.
"You're not mad?" she asked, looking at him. "I was sure you'd be mad."
"Why would I be mad?"
"Because this is a huge deal. It's not like buying a TV or a microwave."
He smiled a little at her analogy. "I was surprised," he admitted. "It's not what I was expecting you to say."
"What were you expecting me to say?"
"I thought...you wanted to break up with me."
After a moment, she shook her head. "We suck at this communication thing."
He chuckled. "We're not so bad."
She raised an eyebrow at him.
"Well, we're getting better."
She smiled a little before she leaned her head against his shoulder. "I want us to be okay," she said quietly.
"We will be," he assured her. "We'll find a way to make everything work out."
Later that night, Abby awoke to find one of Luka's hands twined with hers, and the other resting lightly on her belly.