I squeezed the bridge of my nose as a shot of pain ran through my skull, I clenched my teeth together as the memories flashed behind my eyes. The screams of my teammates, the unnatural way those monsters moved, how similar they were to humans skeletons and finally my desperate attempt to reach for our only way out. I swear I could still hear the screams they emitted. I rubbed my face with my shaking left hand, taking a deep breath trying to calm myself down.
I knew I wasn't going to get to sleep, so I decided to go to the kitchen for a glass of water. Getting up I walked to the unlit kitchen but stopped at the doorway when I see two blue light sitting at the table, recognising the owner of those eyes straight away. Her nose buried in the pages of a book, I couldn't help but smirk at the woman who hadn't even noticed my presence.
"What's up reaper?, you're up late", I kept my voice low but upbeat. The old woman's head shot up, I presume she was glaring at me, but couldn't quite tell.
"My name is Maria Calavera, and I would appreciate it if you would kindly use it." I rolled my eyes, shrugging my shoulders.
"Whatever", I grabbed a cup from the cupboard, filled it before sitting across from the old woman. She didn't acknowledge me, just continued reading. This reminded me of the first night we had met Blake. My lips twitched at the happier memories of the early days of team RWBY.
It was awkward sitting here in silence with the former Huntress, now that I think about it, I don't think the two of us had ever been alone together. I struggled to find a subject that would keep a conversation going between the two of us. But as I thought, I realised almost every conversation that we were both apart off, I always gave her a sarcastic comment or said something uncalled for, I clenched my fist as I realised how awful I had been to the older woman.
"Sorry", the word came out automatically, my voice was just higher than a whisper. Maria didn't react to my random apology straight away, it was a minute before she put the book down filling the empty silence with a thud.
"What did you say", her voice came out suspicious. I bit my lip staring down at my untouched water, letting out a sigh.
"I said sorry", it came out fast as I tried to avoid her burning blue eyes.
"You never seemed to be the type of person who would bother if someone scolds her for something." I gave the woman a confused look before it clicked, she thought I was apologising for not using her proper name.
"That's not what I meant." My voice was soft as I finally looked up at the former Huntress. "I just realised, I haven't been entirely fair with you. I've said a few things that weren't right."
"Oh, is that so. I can assure you, child, it's going to take more than some teenager to get under my skin.", she stated matter a fact. "I've gone through a lot worse in my life, but you'll know what I'm talking about. Considering you have gone through a similar situation in your short life", I clenched my fist, as she stared at my right arm.
"I know, but it doesn't mean it's right." my face was heating up as I was getting frustrated with Maria. Couldn't this old woman just take an apology and leave it at that, I don't want to talk about this with this woman or anybody else.
"I'm curious, why do you sleep with your prosthetic arm still on?." I looked at the metallic hand, moving the robotic fingers, trying to pretend like the question didn't bother me.
"It's for safety measures, you know other than the Grimm. This team has a lot of people after us, and I don't want to be caught off guard." It wasn't a total lie, but it wasn't the exact truth. I could tell by the way she was looking at me she wasn't buying it.
"Is that so?", the older woman was calm. "When I first had my surgery, I was embarrassed, the legendary reaper could no longer defend herself. I would never be the same fighter again. At that moment I realised, I relied too much on my silver eyes. Maybe I wasn't as good as a fighter as I once thought, without my eyes."
"Is there a point to this?", I said trying to sound bored because this was something, I didn't want to talk about. I don't want to talk about something that will only bring up painful memories. I'm trying to bury these feelings, but Maria keeps on digging them back up.
"My point is, though I ran, I could never get the image out of my head, the fatal blow that caused my vision. " Maria's prosthetic eyes slightly closed. "Tell me, do you still get flashes of the night that happened?",
"Stop it," my words were a whisper.
"Do you still see the face of your attacker", She pressed on, why was she so persistent on me answering these questions.
"I said stop it", my voice came out more threatening now, I didn't mind, if it meant she would back off.
"I think the only reason you wear your arm at night, is so when you turn on your side, there something there and not just an empty space." This woman was pushing me, and I knew I was passed my limit. I knew my eyes were now red, but the old woman just continued. "I used to close my eyes and pretend that there was nothing wrong with me. I would think about all the colours I could still remember. I loved watching the setting sun, the contrast in colours could be so breathtaking, nothing compared to it". Maria took a shaky breath. "But as you know, eventually you will have to open your eyes. At one point you will need to get used to the idea that the thing your holding as a crutch, won't be there all the time."
I let go of the glass in my hand because I knew if I held it any longer it would smash and I didn't want to risk waking the others. "What if I'm not ready to let go of that crutch?." I looked down at my shaking hand. "You know, when you were talking about giving up after you lost your vision, then you made a comment about some of us being stronger than yourself."
"Yes, it was I who said it, so I do remember it, I'm not that forgetful in my old age", I chose to ignore her.
"I'm not as strong as what you think I am, it took me months to get out of bed. Even longer to have a conversation. And when Atlas sent me this.", I raised my right arm. " I couldn't bear to look at it, because I wasn't ready to accept it but yet...", she cut me off.
"Everybody wanted you to move on", I nodded as she finished my sentence.
"They kept telling me, try it, you'll get used to it. But how would they know, they've never lost a part of themselves. They've never woken up in the morning with those 5 seconds of peace, those seconds that you're too tired to remember everything. They've never had that crushing feeling when the realisation hits and you remember your not as whole as you used to be." I let out a shaky sigh. "Truth is, I don't know if I can ever move on, the only reason I'm here now, is because of my dad. He pushed me, he made me understand that what I was doing wasn't healthy. When I was finally in an okay mindset, all I wanted to do was find Ruby,"
"How does that not make you strong. You overcame the odds, you were only a huntress in training, you could have walked away. Left this life behind you, but you came back, that's more than what the Grimm reaper ever did and I was a legend. What I can tell you is you'll never get used to this." She placed a hand on my metallic arm as I hung my head. "but you will learn to cope with it, this won't defeat you.". her voice was soft, it sounded strange coming from her. Look at the time I better be off to bed". I watched as stand up from her chair.
"Could you tell me something?", she stopped in her tracks waiting for my question. "Do you still have the flashbacks?" I remained patient, waiting for her answer, she let out a heavy sigh.
"They tell you all wounds heal but forget to mention they will leave scars. The flashbacks won't go away, but they will become manageable, you are stronger than what you think. It's just up to you how long you will allow these flashback to control you.", with that, she left me sitting in the dark contemplating those words.