What If I Told You, a gilmore girls fanfic

What if I told you

Who I really was

What if I let you in on my charade?
.

The first time I saw you, I was struck with an odd feeling. It was like I was looking into a mirror of my own blue eyes, only yours were better, infinitely better. Whereas mine were jaded, cold and scheming, yours were radiant, pure and innocent.

And I wondered why you were here amongst peers that give no qualms about being greedy or deceitful or disloyal, or a combination of any and all, where name and wealth and power was put first over everything else. Because even if I haven't talked to you yet I knew you were different. You were pretty, no, you were beautiful, the kind that is pure and virginal, a Mary.

What if I told you

What was really going on

No more masks and no more parts to play

I approached you after the class, hoping to introduce myself. And it struck me again how innocent you looked in your uniform, the way no other girl in Chilton could pull off. (Paris does not count.) But then I realized who I was, or who I was at Chilton, their King. Although I know that I was shallow because I actually liked being on top of the social ladder, I will not let my image suffer. Because I am a Dugrey, and Dugreys don't settle for less.

So if I couldn't be seen with an innocent, I might as well taint you. I don't think I could've ruined your first impression of me any better. The rest of what happened as they say was history.

What if I told you

That it's just a front

To hide the insecurities I have
.

I was happy to be invited to your birthday even if it was your grandmother who actually did. I wanted to greet you personally and tell you how different you were from the other girls at Chilton, how much better.

How you occupy my thoughts and sometimes dreams (though they weren't all impure).

That I enjoy our little banters by your locker and how much I look forward until our next verbal spar.

The way you would huff when I would call you Mary or shout my name in sheer frustration (although I would always imagine that you were in the throes of passion).

How you blush when I would make some inappropriate comments or the way your eyes would blaze in anger when I would overstep your boundaries.

That I do all these things because it was the only time I would get your full attention. But it was stupid and immature and you had every right to call me Bible Boy and Spawn of Satan.

What if I told you

That I'm not as strong

As I like to make believe I am

I watched you dancing with your floppy-haired boyfriend. I thought you were kidding when you rejected my offer and that you were playing hard to get but you weren't. And I thought how could you want someone like him when you could have me? Seriously, what does he have that I don't? There wasn't really anything worth noting about his brown hair and brown eyes. Is it because he's freakishly tall? I'm tall too and my blond hair's way better and girls fall for my baby blues.

But seeing you dance with him like he was all you could see made me seethe inside because I wanted to be the one holding you, dancing with you. I wanted your eyes on me. I was jealous, envious and it hurt my pride to lose to someone like him. Hell! It hurt my pride that an innocent girl from a small town would choose him over me. I felt humiliated that for the first time a girl has no interest in me.

How you wound me, Mary, and you didn't even know you could. So I chose to pick a fight because I was stupid and I would never learn.

There's so much I want to say

But I'm so scared to give away

Every little secret that I hide behind

Maybe I could have done things a different way but regret is a kind of knowledge that could only be gained in retrospect.

I changed my ways to flaunting girls in front of your locker hoping that maybe you'd feel jealous too but you were oblivious and too happy in your private world. So I kind of gave up on you and dated Summer. She wasn't you, no one could, but in the same way I'm glad she isn't because you wouldn't have given me the time of day. We were compatible in many ways and being with her didn't seem so bad and eventually I learned to like her until she accused me of being clingy (really? I would've thought she'd love the attention) and broke up with me publicly at Madeleine's party. To top it off, you were there and saw it.

I holed myself in the piano room, playing random tunes, thinking how to salvage my reputation when you came in. We talked for the first time, like really talked. And I hate that you pitied me but I hated Dean more for breaking up with you because you also seemed down (or maybe I should be thankful because maybe I'd have a chance).

And then the kiss happened. Happened because I don't really know how it started, just that I was leaning towards you and suddenly you were kissing back. It would have been perfect if you hadn't ran away crying and I wasn't left confused that I have done something wrong again.

So we talked again the next day but not before we felt awkward with each other. God! I have never been this awkward not even with the morning after sex but only you would make me feel awkward after a kiss. I knew you felt awkward so I had to deny my feelings and swear off girls. Once again I was disappointed because it seemed you only saw me as a friend, but I would not be deterred. I took your advice and dated Paris, only for it to backfire on you and me when she found out.

And then you had to misinterpret my words. This has been my regret, I should have told you, should have made it clear that I like you. I like you like I haven't liked any other girl, not Summer or the first girl I had a crush on, not the girl I first kissed or the first girl I slept with. I like you truly and honestly and completely.

Would you see me differently?

And would that be such a bad thing

I wonder what it would be like

If I told you

But I lost my chance and somehow I tried to win your favour by getting PJ Harvey tickets. My pride would be my downfall and I just had to brag. So you were mad at me because Paris was mad at you. And because the gods must really hate me, the floppy-haired giant came and swept you off your feet.

It was then that I truly felt defeated. My name, wealth and status didn't mean anything, at least not to you, because you love Bagboy and you hate me. And in your world, everything was right again while mine pitifully crashed.

What if I told you

What would it be like

So I stayed away from you so I could forget and hung out with people like Duncan and Bowman. They may be stupid but they knew how to have fun. And I really needed the distraction. It worked for a while until we were grouped in Romeo and Juliet (because it was karma that all the other groups had girls I have had flings or hooked up with) and I was chosen Romeo (because come on, who wouldn't?) and you just had to be the perfect Juliet.

Then you came to me again wanting me to keep our kiss a secret because everything was going well for you and bagboy (seriously!) and you had to act all concerned and friend-like, doling out unsolicited advice. But I don't want any, nor do I need any. My pride just wouldn't give in so I acted indifferent.

I kept fumbling my lines and teased you when we were practicing just to get a rise out of you and to antagonize bagboy (and Paris). Then we were fighting again and I had to leave to meet Duncan and Bowman for what would be the night that would change my life.

And I just really wished I listened. Maybe if I listened to you, I would have avoided it. But my pride would always be my downfall and I was stupid and I would never learn.

I was pulled out of the play, out of Chilton, and out of your life. And if it wasn't obvious before, then it had become blaringly obvious then that I was not intended to be a part of yours but you would always be a big part of mine. You changed my life and you didn't even know it.

But I was a coward and I couldn't tell you that. I couldn't even say goodbye. And yes, I regret not kissing you. Maybe I should have just to spite Bagboy but I didn't want to cause you anymore trouble. Probably the smartest and most selfless thing I ever did. So I told you to take care and for old time's sake called you Mary, one last time.

Because that's just how unrequited love is. Yes, I love you, otherwise I don't know why I cared so much and why it hurt so much or why I acted out. But I'm thankful as all first loves go. Thankful, despite being this undeserving ass that I am, I was able to love someone like you.

But the past is past and we can't change it. We could simply learn from it. And I wish I could say I have grown wiser and that I am a better man because of it. But I am not the best judge of that. Maybe one day you could tell me.

All I could do now is wonder how things could have gone if I had just told you.

If I told you

Oh what if I told you

Oh I wonder what it would be like

If I told you

What If I Told You by Jason Walker