Time to Let go
"I lost my virginity last night Dee. It was wonderful, everything you said it would be. Tim was the perfect lover calm, patient, and gentle. We have been together now for a year, he has been so patient with me, never angry when I cry about you, never upset when he is second in my thoughts.
"I miss you so much. When I woke this morning all I could think is, this would be perfect if only you were here. If only it had been you to kiss me, your strong hands to caress me, your supple body to sink into mine. I want to wake up next to you; I want to see the smug trumpet look in your eyes as you tell me how much you love me. I want to hear that baritone laugh, as you see my face redden with the memories of my wanton behavior coming back to me.
"Every time I do something new with Tim I feel like I'm betraying you, Tim has only been with me a year and yet we have done more together in that year then you and I did in two. It should be you who makes love to me! It should be you I come home to! God I wish it were you I see smile at me over the mounds of paperwork in the office!"
I can't hold back any longer, though I told myself I wouldn't do this I should have known better, I start to cry. It is always the same when I visit you, I know you would not approve. I just can't seem to stop being selfish everything has to be about me! I can never do anything for you! "You were wrong Dee it is I who is not good enough for you."
"It has been seven years Dee seven long lonely years, that I have been without you, I don't know how it is I have survived. I guess it is partially because of Bicky and Cara, they need me to be around for them. It wouldn't be fair for him to loose another father. Though in essence he already did when you were taken from us. I know you think he doesn't care about you, but he really does miss you. We all do.
This will be the last time I'm here for sometime Dee. I have put a limitation on myself, once a year, it will be on the day we meet. Fitting no? It's not fair to Tim to keep coming here so often, and I know if I screwed things up with Tim you would be beyond pissed." I chuckle sadly at this, it was a sad truth Dee would want me to move on, to love Tim, though I will never love him like I love you.
"You really were one of a kind Dee. You struggled your whole life to make something of yourself lost the people you love had horrible crimes committed against you, and still you are one of the most giving and caring of human beings. I just wish I could have seen and understood that before you left us…I wish I hadn't been so stupid."
I lay the single white rose down on his grave, to join the others. I come here a lot, every time I bring one white rose, for the purity lost. I beg his forgiveness for not telling him I love him, for hurting him so many times with my insecurities and fears, for not showing him that he had a place in this world where he could be safe and loved. I have no doubt he has forgiven me, he was always too forgiving when it came to me, my question is will I ever forgive myself.
"I must go now my love. Rest in peace and wait for me at the pearl gates."
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