--------------------
Dear Zoe,First thing, if you're reading this, I want to apologize. Because it means I probably went and did something stupid and got myself killed.
Quite honestly, I don't expect you to ever read this (and if you are and I'm still alive, I'm going to do something very unpleasant, yet highly creative, to Simon), because I'm usually the one safely tucked away on Serenity while you're off daringly doing deeds of derring-do. So, logically
Well, hell, I don't particularly want to think too much about the possible logical outcomes of the way we live. I don't want to think about how you came back from dealing with Patience with a bruise on your breast larger than my palm. (All hail the slinky, sexy ballistic vest!) I don't want to think about the way you threw yourself into the path of an explosive back-blast to protect Kaylee. Because I know that that was sheer instinct on your part, and you would do it again, for any crew-member. Even Jayne.
But, I do think about it. I can't help but think about it, especially those times I sit waiting for you to come back from doing a job with Mal. And it's not that I want you to give that up. While I certainly wouldn't mind if we were all in a safer line of work, I knew what I was signing on for when Mal hired me. I knew, when I married you, that I was marrying a warrior as well as a woman. That I was marrying you, in part, because you are a warrior.
But, anyway, to get to the nitty-gritty. I've given this letter to Simon to give to you in case the very unlikely happens, and I die before you do. After our conversation while defending Nandi's place, I realized you were pretty much right. That I couldn't let fear keep me from striving for what I truly desire. Because, you realize, if I had done that when it really counted, I would never have signed onto Serenity in the first place. I would never have asked you to marry me. And, like you, I want to meet the child you and I could make together. Maybe even more than one child, because, in my very unbiased opinion, the 'Verse could do with a lot more Zoe in it.
And now we're kind of distracted and focused on other things, what with that bounty hunter managing to find River and basically take control of Serenity. The usual hurly-burly of our life seems to have gotten even more complicated, and you haven't yet asked Simon to remove your contraceptive implant. Which I appreciate. I know, given I'm a guy who just can't say no (to you, anyway), that, without it, you could have gotten pregnant basically anytime you wanted, whether I was truly ready or not.
But, as you know, you lady-folks have an advantage us guy-folks don't have. You can make a person with a pretty minimal contribution from a male type. And (oh, my blushes) I have left some contributions with Simon, for him to put on ice, just in case I don't have the opportunity to make my contribution in a much warmer fashion.
I know, if you are reading this, that I am not there. So, the decision is all up to you, whether you still want to take on the task of carrying and raising a child that will physically be ours, but in truth will be essentially yours and yours alone. Though, to be perfectly honest, I have no objection to Mal serving as a paternal role-model type. While I'm not so sanguine about his tendencies toward a violent solution to any given problem, he is an honorable, compassionate man (shh, don't let him know I'm on to him), and if you end up in a parenting partnership with him, I'm more than okay with that. It used to bug me, that bond you two have. But that was before I understood what its roots were. After the whole Niska thing, I came to realize your connection had been forged in fire and blood and pain. And quite honestly, I don't want our partnership to go that way. I want our ties to grow out of laughter and love. And sex. Lots and lots of really, really hot sex. Maybe those things won't form a bond as strong and as deep as the one you have with Mal. But it will be ours, the one you made with me and only me, and that will be much more than enough.
Anyway, I know when I start nattering on about the Mal-Zoe-Wash three-way thing, it's time to wrap this up. I hope, with all my heart, that you decide to have our child. Because it means you're choosing life, choosing joy. You're choosing love.
I love you, Zoe.
Your husband,
Wash
P.S. - If you do do this and it's a boy, please don't name him Hoban. Boy or girl, the kid can have my dinosaurs. And let him or her know, that Daddy's sorry he's not there to join the fun, but that he loves them forever.