Tracks After A Train, a twilight fanfic

Image Used: 2 In A picture Says it All Contest

Disclaimer: SM owns all recognizable plot and :

M - Mature

Not every story has a happy : She was complacent and predictable, he was a wreck. When he steps into her life, nothing will ever be the same again. Angst E/B

Tracks After a Train

One foot in front of the other I followed the old wooden path. I balanced carefully on each board thinking of the strength they must bear. Looking ahead the path they formed seemed to go on forever. Above them the September sky was gloomy, amplifying the feelings of depression that settled over the small Washington town. Every step taunted me and reminded me of the tracks left behind.

I wondered if I walked long enough down the tracks before me if I would just disappear from the world. To become a distant memory to those who knew me and a scar to those I had impacted. The further I walked the more I realized just how much my life and trains had in common.

Trains came out of nowhere powerful and fast; set on a path that is laid out for them. They break the silence and demand your attention; all for the moment in time that they pass you by. They rattle against their tracks as they push forward with force. If anything got in their way they would run them down with ease. Once they pass you by their presence became a distant memory, like a ghost.

The tracks were left telling you they had been there but the silence gives nothing away.

Edward Cullen had been a train in my life, breaking the silence and rattling my tracks; he had run down everything and everyone that got in his way, taking me down with him. He left his tracks across the hearts of the town's people. The scars and pain were the tracks to his train; they went on forever. He would be a distant memory to them one day now that he had passed us by, but he left his tracks printed across me, integrated in me, and they would haunt me forever. I had been the fuel to his engine.

I couldn't allow his scars to live on in me; I couldn't be his ghost, his tracks any longer. That wasn't supposed to be my path, the pain and heartache wasn't part of the plan and frankly was too much to bear. So like a train I followed the tracks and waited for the impact.

The tracks rattled under my feet, the silence was broken, and I closed my eyes as the light shined down on me. The impact wouldn't be as painful as his tracks and soon it would all be a distant memory.

I should have known that that day was going to decide which path my life would follow; all the signs were there but I refused to see them. I pushed passed them and continued on the path of destruction that the events of that day would lead me down.

Nine Months Earlier

It started out like any other day; I kissed my mother and father goodbye as I left the house for another mind stimulating day at Forks High. (If you couldn't sense my sarcasm it was there, Forks was anything but mind stimulating) I knew more than most of the teachers and had a perfect GPA. I had to look outside the curriculum to challenge myself, but in the end, high school was a means to an ends. I had to finish high school to get into an Ivy League school and I needed the extra-curriculums to boast my applications. My mother had home schooled me until high school. Then she found out that colleges wanted more than just high test scores. Apparently, I needed to be able to interact with other people and have adequate social skills. However, after nearly four years in purgatory, I still hadn't managed to develop my social skills. High school was a place full of superficial, self-centered, adolescent teens, and I just didn't fit in.

Everyone still thought of me as "the home schooled freak". My only goal was to make it through the last four months and get into college. I needed to get out of Forks, and even though the outside world terrified me; I was ready for it, I was ready for a change. However, the change I found wasn't the one I prepared for.

On the way to school, on the only highway in town, I hit a patch of black ice in the road, and my truck spun out of control. I went off the side of the road and the truck stalled for a moment before rumbling back to life. I was initially shook up but I managed to shake it off quickly and since there appeared to be no damage to myself or my beast of a truck, I eased my way back on the road to school and inevitably onto the path that lead me to Edward Cullen. Only a freak like me would continue on my way too school after hydroplaning off the highway.

That was the first sign that I stubbornly ignored; the second was the song that played on the radio as I was cut off by his stupid shiny silver Volvo. When he turned to smirk at me one line of the song played through my ears…

"Turn the car around…"

Of course at the time I had no idea that this was yet another sign that I should have skipped that Tuesday at school. I should have turned my truck around. I should have gone back home and just let the day pass me by.

If I had done those things then I would have been on the track I was meant to stay on and not on the path that that day led me down.

Once I parked, I headed into the school undetected. No one even acknowledged me as I passed; I was invisible to them, just another face in the crowd. My life would have been easy and painless if things would have stayed that way.

My morning classes and the lunch hour passed by as normal. More signs appeared but I didn't catch onto them. For such a smart, observant girl, I had been awfully stupid. After lunch I had biology class with Mr. Banner, an annoyingly monotone teacher with ADD, whom I tended to tune out.

My final warning before my last chance to change my path came in the form of Angela Webber asking me to help her hang a blood drive flyer. She was one of the few people who noticed me; she was short with brown hair and brown eyes, much like me. She was a pretty girl, shy but social. The flyer she was hanging on the door past the nurse's office was supposed to read like you had past your destination for the blood drive; therefore the words read: To save a life all you have to do is turn around and give blood.

To save a life all you have to do is turn around, I should have listened. Instead I hung up the sign and made it to biology right on time, not giving the words a second thought.

I took my seat next to Mike Newton without even glancing to the back of the room where I knew the Volvo driving maniac sat.

"Hello students, before we get started today we are going to do a quick lab. As most of you are aware there is a blood drive this weekend and I expect you all to give blood. So, we are going to do blood typing today."

I stared at Mr. Banner wide eyed and terrified as his words sunk into my thought process. The scent of blood was something I didn't do well with.

I wanted to raise my hand and ask for permission to leave, but I didn't want to be made fun of; God knew they had enough ammo against me when they took the time to acknowledge me. Therefore, I sat there completely unmoving as he passed around the supplies. In fact, I don't think I even took a breath until I heard Mike cry as he pricked his finger and with that breath I smelt it; rust and salt. It reminded me of the old rusted iron pole that held up my Grandma Marie's clothes line.

As a child I had played on it for hours and hours until one day a sharp piece stabbed into my leg, tearing the skin. The smell of my blood had matched the smell of the rusted iron pole and after a trip to the emergency room, three stitches, and a Tetanus shot, the smell had become the worst smell in the world to me.

My head got heavy, my stomach churned, and I swayed in my seat. Mr. Banner caught the motion and asked if I was alright. I told him I felt sick and he suggested I go to the nurse.

"Perhaps someone should accompany you. I wouldn't want you to pass out on your way there," Mr. Banner suggested looking around the room.

"I'll do it," his voice was low and gruff. I looked towards the back of the room so fast I nearly got whiplash.

He was beautiful sitting in his chair nonchalant, his bronze hair sticking in every direction and his green eyes bloodshot. Even high Edward was beautiful. Of course I was too naïve at the time to know he was high. I just thought he had insomnia or something and he was just tired all the time.

Edward got up and made his way over to me and he assured Mr. Banner he would be on his best behavior.

"Your escort awaits," he chuckled as he held his arm out for me. I ignored his gesture stubbornly, walking on my own.

As soon as I was out of the classroom and was able to breathe in fresh air I felt better. My stomach was still slightly queasy but manageable. I stole quick glances at Edward wondering why he was escorting me to the nurse's office. He walked next to me as if I wasn't even there, then suddenly he broke the silence. His voice was velvety smooth, alluring, and powerful.

"You wanna ditch the nurse and get out of here?"

I stopped in my tracks and stared up at him shocked. Was he suggesting that we skip class together? Why? I swallowed hard and then shook my head no. The wounded look on his face confused me.

"So predictable," he sighed, twirling what appeared to be his car keys in his hands.

"You don't know me," I whispered, not even sure as to why I said it out loud.

"Really?" he questioned as he tapped his chin with his index finger. "So you're not Isabella Swan, daughter to Police Chief Charlie Swan and daycare teacher Renee Swan?" He arched an eyebrow at me condescendingly. I took a deep breath and mustered up all my courage to answer him.

"Yes, but that doesn't mean you know me."

"Oh, but I do. You have a GPA of over four-point-o and you're ranked number one in the class for your immaculate grades. You're a shoe in for Valedictorian; well that is if you aren't too shy to do the speech. Your extra classes all involve as little interaction with other students as possible, which include office assistant and library aid. You wear plain jeans and a t-shirt everyday with the exception of picture day. You don't wear makeup, and you most likely spend your weekends with your nose in a book. You never take risks and you absolutely under no-fucking-circumstances step outside of your little pre-fabricated box that your parents designed for you. Your favorite color is blue; you always get pudding on Friday's as if it is some sort of fucking treat to end your week with. Last but not least you believe no one notices you so you think you can go about without worrying about your appearance any further than showering and getting dressed."

I stood stunned staring at him. His words stung but none of them were untrue. He was right and I hated it; I hated him.

"See you soon," he whispered as he left me at the nurse's door. He disappeared down the hallway making his first set of tracks as his words floated around my head as I questioned everything in my life just because Edward Cullen had rattled me. I headed into the nurses office without my escort feeling shaken and confused.

For the next week I was on edge; I could feel Edward's eyes on me and I could hear his words like a broken record playing in my mind. I couldn't concentrate in class, especially Biology. I was so hyperaware of him that I couldn't sit still; I fidgeted in my seat and everyone stared at me. I hated that he was making me a total mess but I couldn't stop myself. I hoped and prayed the weekend would somehow be like a fresh slate; I hoped that I could forget Edward's words and then by Monday he would once again not notice me. Well, it was apparent that he had always noticed me since he had observed so much about me, but I hoped that I would go back to being oblivious to it.

"The emergency numbers are on the fridge. We will be back Sunday around lunch time," my mother said, patting my cheek and bringing me out of my thoughts. Her hands were as warm as her light honey hair and her blue eyes sparkled at me with adoration.

"Don't open the door for strangers and if you go anywhere, call us," my father added sternly. His brown eyes and hair matched mine perfectly, other than the speckles of grey that showed his age.

My parents were spending the weekend in Seattle with their friends Harry and Sue; it was sad that my parents had more friend than me.

"I am just going to do some reading and watch re-runs," I assured them. They smiled at me and kissed me goodbye.

The house was quiet then and I didn't waste any time slipping into my sweats and grabbing "Ulysses" by James Joyce; it was the latest book I was trying to conquer. It was my second time to read it and it was making more sense this time around but not much more. I found Joyce's work staggeringly intricate and beautiful. I was currently on Episode Thirteen, Nausicaa. I was more than thrilled that I was home alone because as I read I could feel the blush on my cheeks. What sexual experience I had was what I read in books; no more, no less.

Lost in a stream-of-consciousness, I completely forget about Edward and my previous week. As I realized that was the key I spent the next twenty-four hours reading and sleeping.

I was brought out of my book around eight on Saturday night by a knock on the door. I sat my book down and glanced around nervously. No one was supposed to be coming by. I quietly made my way to the door to peek outside and see who it was, but the person was too far to the side for me to see who it was. I unlocked the deadbolt but left the chain in place as I opened the door. Suddenly green eyes were peering through the crack at me and the porch light was illuminating his bronze hair. I jumped, startled, as I realized it was none other than Edward.

"Hello, Bella," he smirked at me as I stared at him shocked and confused. "Can I come in?"

It took me a moment to find my voice; my heart was about to beat out of my chest and my breathing was slightly erratic. "What are you doing here?" My voice was barely audible and Edward's smile grew.

"To corrupt you," he whispered, and then added. "Just let me in, Bella."

I had to admit on one hand Edward was beautiful and alluring, but his sudden appearance and the look in his eye was creeping me out. Plus, I had spent the week a complete mess because he had pointed out how pathetic I was.

"Uhh…" I had no idea what to say, so I did the only thing I could think to do; I shut the door in his face and clicked the lock back into place.

My heart was beating erratically and I didn't know what to think or do; my head was spinning and I was so confused. I slid down the door and sat on the floor trying to collect myself. I heard Edward's steps retreat down the stairs and I let out a relieved breath.

However, twenty seconds later I heard the backdoor click open and I nearly peed myself when I heard footsteps across the kitchen tiles. When I looked up Edward was standing in the doorway of the kitchen. A lump formed in my throat as my fight or flight instincts kicked in.

He held up a small silver key and nodded towards the backdoor as he spoke. "You would think the Chief would hide his spare key better."

My eyes nearly bugged out of my head as I stared at him in shock. I had to admit I was terrified. I didn't get the "I'm going to kill you" vibe from him, but I was so confused I couldn't sort through my feelings.

"What do you want?" I asked, trying to hold back the tremor in my voice. He chuckled and leaned against the door frame, crossing his arms.

"Chill, I am not going to fucking murder you or anything."

"Then what are you doing?"

"My parents came home early, so I needed a place to move the party to."

"What party?" I started to panic as I realized just what his words meant.

"Silly girl, there is a party every Saturday night and you are lucky enough to be hosting it. Now, go put some clothes on and collect your-fucking-self. Emmett and Jasper will be here soon with the party supplies."

I didn't understand what was going on, nothing was making sense, and I was freaking out.

"Bella," his voice was enticing and I was startled by how fast he reached me. I looked up into his emerald eyes and got stuck there. "It is going to be fun, trust me."

My heart rate slowed down, my breathing steadied, and as he smirked at me, I felt my knees turn to jelly. What in green Jesus is going on? I sure as heck didn't trust him, but for some illogical reason I listened to him.

I don't know why I went to my room and got cleaned up. I couldn't tell you why I didn't call the cops and report him for breaking and entering. I was completely lost on what was happening but one thing was for sure, I should have never looked into the eyes of the enemy. His emerald eyes were like a black hole; once you entered there was no way out.

Even though I was completely intimidated and creped out by Edward's behavior, something had clicked when I looked into his eyes. I had no idea what that something was but he had me intrigued.

When I returned downstairs I found more than just Edward in my living room. Four other people had joined him. I noticed them all immediately; the lanky boy with wavy blond hair was Jasper. He had been on the debate team and was the schools history buff before Edward moved to Forks. The petite girl next to him with the rocker spiky black hair and dark eyeliner had been at the head of the social scene at Forks High until she fell in love with Jasper. The muscular boy in the leatherman jacket was Emmett. He was the star of the football team, or at least he had been up until before Christmas break when he started hanging with Edward. The beautiful blond in Emmett's lap was Rosalie, head cheerleader. At least she had been until we returned from Christmas break. As I took them all in it should have registered in my advanced brain that they all had once been on the fast track to success and now they were on a path of destruction and the one thing they all had in common was Cullen. Strangely enough that did not register to me at that time and I would pay greatly for it, as would everyone I loved.

Edward coughed, my eyes landing back on him, and that is when I took in the puff of smoke around the room. My eyes zeroed in on the small joint pinched between Edward's middle finger and thumb. I may have lived a sheltered life but my father had taught me early on the effects of drugs and how to identify them. He didn't want me unknowingly accepting an illegal substance from someone.

I couldn't take my eyes off the joint, wishing it would disappear. The sickly wet aroma of it wafted to me, and I was suddenly even more aware of the fact that my father was going to know the smell as soon as he arrived home. He was going to kill me.

"You wanta hit?" Edward's gruff voice brought me out of my thoughts as he held the joint towards me.

I stared at him horrified and tried to think of a response. I had never been offered drugs before and my fathers 'just say no' slogan ran through my mind like a broken record. I knew I was not going to accept his offer but having Edward offer it to me felt like some sort of test. His words played in my mind again "so predictable."

I tried to straighten my posture and gain confidence, but as I spoke it was obvious that I was anything but confident.

"No, and I think you should all leave right now! My father should be home soon and I don't think he would take too kindly to you smoking an illegal substance in his home." Edward chuckled at me as I stood there feeling vulnerable and confused.

I didn't know why Edward was in my house offering me drugs. I didn't understand what his friends were doing at my house. I didn't understand much of anything as the stench of smoke continued to waft around me.

"Come on, Bella, it is just a little pot," Edward said, shrugging as if he hadn't heard a word I said.

"I don't think my father will agree with you; like I said he should be home soon," my voice wavered just a bit. I was torn between wishing the statement was true and being relieved it wasn't.

Edward smirked at me and I heard the others chuckling in the background; I stared at him, waiting for him to run for the hills. Honestly, who in their right mind would smoke an illegal substance in the police chief's house?

"What?" I asked, self-conscious as he continued to just stare at me smirking.

"You're a horrible liar, Swan." He shook his head as he took one more pull of the joint and passed it to Emmett. "I know for a fact that your parents won't be back until some time tomorrow."

I swallowed hard at a loss as to what I was supposed to do in that situation. I thought seriously about grabbing a baseball bat and threatening him with it, but I knew I was far from threatening even whaling a weapon.

Like an idiot, I just stood there nearly trembling on my knees trying to figure out what I should do. Edward sighed loudly and pushed himself up off the couch. He walked over to me slowly swaying and his green eyes were impossibly dark as he stared me down. I swallowed hard as he stood only a fingertips length away from me. I could smell alcohol and marijuana on his breath but for some odd reason the sickly sweet smell drew me in. His natural smell was sweet under the other substances and it made me lick my lips as if I was thirsty for it. I flinched slightly as Edward's hand raised and his knuckles grazed my cheek softly.

"Belle," he mumbled, gazing into my eyes. I felt the blush rise to my cheeks as he annunciated the word for beautiful in French perfectly.

It wasn't something I would expect from him, and I found myself lost in his gaze and my body buzzing with electricity. I wasn't sure what was happening but I could feel something happening. That something was the down fall of life as I knew it.

"Merci," I said back, feeling my face burn with a ferocious blush. Edward gave me a smile I had never seen before; it was crooked and it made my heart skip a beat.

I was lost in his eyes, in that smile, and for a moment I forgot that he was doing drugs in my father's living room.

"We're out," Edward called behind him not taking his eyes off mine, and then just a moment later I was standing alone in my living room with three words ghostly echoing around me, "See you soon."

I would have believed it was all a dream if my heart wasn't about to pound out of my chest and if the scent of Mary Jane wasn't still lingering in the room.

Once I was able to get my heart rate under control and actually function like a normal human being, I washed and scrubbed every inch of the living room trying to get the horrible stench out. I scrubbed until my hands were raw, tears streaming down my cheeks the whole time. I wasn't exactly positive why I was crying but I knew it had everything to do with Edward.

By the grace of someone with a higher power, I managed to air the house out and my parents didn't seem to notice the stench of Edward's joint. I was so worked up after the emotional rollercoaster from the encounters with Edward that I came to the conclusion that I was going to confront him at school; I was going to find out what he wanted with me and what the heck his problem was.

However, when I arrived at school he was nowhere to be found. Strangely enough as the days passed I started getting angrier at him and myself. I was disappointed when I looked for him everyday and didn't see him. I hated myself for it but I was worried about him. I found myself watching his little group. They all seemed to watch me occasionally and I would always feel rage bubble in me when they would smile and laugh at me.

I hated Edward Cullen with each passing day but I still couldn't get him off my mind. After two weeks of school passed and he still hadn't attended a single day, I made a decision. I decided that if he wasn't at school the following Monday I would drive out to his house and demand to see him. I would demand him to tell me what his problem was. You can't just get in a girls head acting all psycho and then dazzling, only to end up pulling a disappearing act.

I spent the whole weekend rehearsing everything I was going to say to him and I was surprisingly pretty confident with it. He had strung me along for two long weeks and I was tired of it. I thought I had it all figured out and that I held all the cards in my hand, but as I walked into my bedroom on that Sunday afternoon my whole plan was shot to hell.

I screamed as I caught movement in the corner of my room. As my eyes adjusted to the darkness I could make out Edward's messy reddish brown hair.

"What do you think you are doing?" I asked him on the verge of panic.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," he whispered, his head down.

I stood there confused as I took in the tone of his voice and his posture. He sounded hoarse, as if his voice hadn't been used in awhile. His head rose slowly and our eyes connected. He had large dark circles under his but the eyes themselves were the clearest green I had ever seen. It was then that I realized that it was the first time I had ever seen Edward sober. He was obviously tired, but he wasn't high.

I wanted to yell at him and tell him to get out, but I couldn't bring myself to speak. I just stared at him waiting for him to explain what he was doing in my room. I didn't feel threatened as I had the time before that he broke into my house; I could feel the sorrow rolling off of him and it kept me from speaking.

Edward silently made his way away from my window and towards my bed. He sat down with a heavy sigh. I stood near the doorway of my room nervously chewing on my bottom lip.

"You were gone," I finally said, glancing up at him. I had to break the silence; the tension was building and it was too much to handle.

"You noticed?" he asked, sounding surprised rather than cocky.

I stared into his eyes as an intense blush took over my face. "I didn't think anyone would notice," he whispered so low I was pretty sure I wasn't meant to hear it. I watched him as he toyed with a thick leather bracelet on his left wrist; I noticed he wore another bracelet on his right wrist. For some odd reason I felt these were significant but I didn't focus on them.

"My parents will be home soon," I told him, feeling uneasy with him in my room. I didn't know why he was here and my emotions were all over the place. He glanced up at me, arching an eyebrow.

"We have time, but I will leave if that is what you want."

I watched him curiously; the last time he had broken into my home he was cocky and intimidating about it. He pretty much refused to leave and brought more people and drugs into my home. Now he sat there offering to leave if I wanted him too.

"How do you know we have time?" For some odd reason I didn't ask him to leave; instead I questioned him. He shook his head while he answered.

"We all inherit traits from our parents," he ran his finger along the inside of his wrist where the bracelet sat, causing him to flinch. "You inherited their predictability. I am sure they are in La Push at the Black's along with my adoptive father Carlisle. I am also sure that they will not be done gambling their hard earned money away until at least mid-night. But like I said, if you want me to leave I will."

I stared at him alternating between being angry and worried. I was angry that he knew so much about my life and I was extremely worried as to why that was?

"What are you doing here?"

"I…," he sighed heavily, running a hand through his hair and glancing around my room. When his eyes landed on mine the sadness and strength of his emotions barreled down on me. Just by that one look I felt emotionally drained. "I can't stay away from you. I am drawn to you and I don't know why that is, but I can't ignore it."

"I don't…" I shook my head, unsure as to what I should say. Everything that had happened two weeks before was forgotten, and I saw a broken boy that I couldn't get my mind off of. I wanted to wrap him up in a big warm hug. "I don't know what to say."

His eyes pleaded with me as he said the craziest thing I had ever heard, and I was even crazier for what I did next.

"I know I was an ass and I am sorry but I was hoping that maybe you could lay with me for awhile. We don't have to talk or anything. I just don't want to be alone."

He sounded so desperate and lost; it broke my heart looking into his sober eyes full of tears. I did the only thing I could think to do. I pulled my covers back and crawled into bed, patting the spot next to me. Edward smiled thankfully at me and then crawled in next to me. The close proximity set my body into an electrical charge, and I wondered helplessly if he felt it too.

I watched him get comfortable with his eyes on the ceiling. After watching him for a moment I closed my eyes and tried to calm my racing heart. I was lying in my bed with Edward right next to me.

I had envisioned what our reunion would be like after what he put me through two weeks prior but never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined the situation I was in.

I could feel his eyes on me, so I took a deep breath, opened my eyes, and looked at him. His eyes were so clear and so bright, but so dull at the same time. The life was almost non-existent in them but they weren't bloodshot or the dark color I was used too.

"Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are?" he asked as he reached up and gently touched my cheek, causing me to blush. A small smile lit his lips as my face turned red.

"Only in French," I mumbled, embarrassed. He smiled sadly at me and then turned on his side so he was completely facing me. For some odd reason I copied his movement.

"I am really sorry." He sounded so sincere and his eyes were reflecting the emotion, and I was putty in his capable hands.

"Could you ever forgive me?"

"I already have." Even as I said the words I hadn't realized that I indeed had forgiven him. The reasoning behind it was completely lost to me.

We lay silently next to each other, just staring and trying to understand the other. I had never seen someone so sad and so lost and I had this urge to make him happy, to find him. That was a battle I had lost before it even began, but I didn't know it at the time.

That something I felt before tugged at me, but I still had no idea what the feeling was.

When it got close to midnight, Edward got out of the bed with a kiss to my forehead. I was so shocked at the sensations that I hadn't even caught onto the fact that he was leaving until he was opening the window.

"See you soon, Bella." I couldn't let him leave without knowing one thing…

"Edward…" He glanced back at me curiously. "What was your last name before the Cullen's adopted you?"

He stared at me curiously before sadness and rage passed through his eyes. It terrified me and he spit one word at me before he disappeared out the window.

Masen

I laid silently in bed long after he was gone, but I could not fall asleep. I gave up around three in the morning and turned on my laptop, going straight to Google. Edward seemed to know so much about me and I hated being in the dark about where he came from and why he was the way him was. The sadness in his eyes had told me that there was a story and I had to know it. Edward was like a mystery book that I wanted to solve and that was the biggest mistake I ever made.

Edward Masen. I typed into the search engine and page after page of results popped up. I sifted through them until I came across one that stood out. The story was about a young couple named Edward and Elizabeth Masen. I clicked on it and a picture was next to the article; the woman had Edward's bronze hair and the man had his piercing green eyes. There was the little boy sitting in the mothers lap; it was Edward. There was no doubt about that. I smiled slightly seeing him so sweet and innocent, but my smile faltered when I read the headline.

Murder - Suicide Leaves Young Boy Orphaned and Small Chicago Suburb Shocked.

I swallowed hard, not able to read anymore; I suddenly understood Edward's pain and my heart ached for him.

I was a lot of things; I was stupid, naïve, blinded, and completely irrational as I walked up to Edward the next day at school. His eyes were no longer clear; they were bloodshot and droopy, but still I went up to him. I stared into his eyes and he flinched; he knew I knew.

He leaned in close to me and his breath tickled my neck. I could feel the hostility rolling off of him and it sent a shudder down my spine.

"Don't you fucking dare pity me."

I was so shocked by his words and the harshness in his voice that I stood in the rain alone long after he was gone. I wanted to tell him I was sorry and that I was there for him but he hadn't given me the chance. I didn't mean to pity him or to piss him off but I had done just that. I eventually made my way to class and once again spent the whole morning thinking about Edward.

I tried to figure out why he had been gone for two weeks? Why he was sober the night before and why he was once again high? Why he had been quiet, timid, and sweet the night before but angry and evil the next morning? There were so many questions when it came to Edward and I no longer knew what to do.

During that following month Edward went back and forth from being a total jerk to me and being sweet and opening up to me. I learned that he only opened up when he was sober and that was not very often. What were often were the times that he made me cry, but for some reason I kept going back to him. I kept trying to get him to let me in so I could save him. I wanted to see life in his eyes and I wanted him to stop using drugs as a crutch to hide from his pain. I didn't want him to attempt what he had after the first night he broke into my house. I had learned that he was gone those two weeks because he slit both of his wrists. That was also the reason for the bracelets. It terrified me that next time he attempted suicide he would succeed and I didn't want that. I couldn't let him not exist, so I sacrificed myself trying to save him.

The first time Edward kissed me was during one of the rare times he was sober. He had snuck into my room claiming he didn't want to be alone; he laid in my bed humming a familiar tune he always hummed on nights similar to that one.

"Do you know how much you mean to me?" he asked, gazing into my eyes. I clung to his moments of sobriety like a lifeline. Everything in my life was suffering; I was sacrificing myself for those moments. I shook my head, wanting to hear the words.

"You mean more to me than anything else in the world."

His words warmed my heart even though we both knew they weren't true. I desperately hoped that one day they would be true, but for the moment there was only one thing more important to him; the drugs. I always came second to them; I only came first when he was sober.

He leaned in slowly, almost like he was scared. His lips meet mine and it sent electricity to my soul. We moved in perfect rhythm; it was my first kiss and it was the most amazing kiss of my life. Every part of my body felt like a live wire and I never wanted it to end. It was incredible and magical.

It was in that moment that I realized what the feeling was that had been pulling at me. I was falling in love with him. Despite all his faults I saw the light in him and I couldn't stop the feelings inside of me.

The next time Edward kissed me it was different but still ignited feelings within me. He was high and we were at Jasper's house. I had started joining them outside of school and sometimes during school. I was being exposed to things I never realized were happening in our small town. There was a cocktail of drugs on the table, and I had already learned the street names of each of them and who would take what.

As predicted, Alice took the Ecstasy, it was her drug of choice and explained her behavior. Emmett and Rosalie went for the LSD; I think they liked the pretty little characters printed on the pills. Jasper and Edward both made lines of cocaine before them and I wanted so badly to just sweep it off the table and save Edward from himself, but I knew it wouldn't do any good. He had more where those lines came from. I hated watching him do it, so I turned away staring at the wall opposite him.

"Belle," Edward whispered in my ear as his high took control. He only spoke French to me when he was high and trying to dazzle me. I glanced around the room to see Emmett and Rosalie dry humping. Jasper was lazily making out with Alice while she bounced on him with renewed energy. Edward ran a hand down my neck, brining my attention back to him. He smirked at me before his lips were on me, and I felt him forcing me down on the couch. I was so dizzy from the rush of his kiss and the fear of what the drugs were doing to him that I couldn't think. His hands were roaming my body, and I was terrified that he was going to take things too far and I wouldn't be able to stop him.

His kiss wasn't sweet and loving like it was the first time; this time it was angry and forceful. I didn't like it, but for some reason a wetness formed between my legs. I didn't know what to do. I was turned on and terrified, so I pushed him off of me and ran out the door.

Once again I was left not understanding my feelings.

I was absolutely positive of three things the first time we had sex: one, I was irrevocably in love with Edward; two, he would never put me above the drugs; and three he would ruin me.

I knew this but somehow when you love someone nothing else seems to matter. You give yourself to them completely and you never hold back. So, I did just that I gave myself to him fully. The first time he told me he loved me I promised myself to him and he took my body places I never knew it could go. He worshiped me in ways that I could never dream of, and then after instead of staying to cuddle with me, he left me to get high. I cried myself to sleep feeling used and lonely.

I knew he loved me, but it was obvious he loved getting high more.

When the sun rose, I let the light of a new day wash the pain away. I buried it all away and acted as if nothing had happened. I put on my cap and gown and I pretended to be happy that graduation day was finally upon us. My parents and I were at odds with each other at this point in time; our relationship was strained. My father wanted to lock Edward up and throw away the key. My mother spent most nights crying. They could see that he was dragging me down; that I was living only for the moments that Edward made me feel worthy or wanted. Everything in my life had suffered, all my relationships, my grades, and even my dreams. It was all down the drain and for some reason I couldn't bring myself to care. I was addicted to Edward. He was my drug and just like he was living for his next hit, I was living for my next moment with him.

We still hadn't spoke about his parents or his past but I could see it ate away at him. I tried to reassure him that I was there for him, but he always blew it off. He would find ways to distract me and Edward was good at distractions.

As I left my parents in the parking lot of Forks High and headed for the cafeteria where we were all scheduled to meet, I felt nervous to see Edward. He had been sober when we had sex but he hadn't stayed, and I was afraid of how he would act when he saw me. I was worried I wasn't good and that he didn't want me anymore. He always left me feeling sad, worried, self-conscious, and heartbroken, but I never could seem to get enough of him.

I found him and our group of friends quickly. They were all lounging at a table in the far corner, everyone in the room giving them a wide birth. Rosalie and Emmett had a reputation for picking fights, the two loved to fight. They fought each other as much as they fought other people.

Edward didn't look up at me as I pulled out the chair next to him and sat down. I could feel the blush on my cheeks and I honestly felt like everyone knew I was no longer a virgin. I glanced up from the table to see them watching me. They all knew; Jasper was calmly smiling at me, Alice was bouncing in her seat (dying for details, I was sure), Rose was smirking at me with amusement, and Emmett had a big goofy grin on his face. I put my head down on the table so that they couldn't see the blush that consumed me.

I felt his arm lay across my waist and pull me towards him. He tucked my hair behind my ear as I buried my face into his chest. I could smell the marijuana on him and I knew that when I looked him in the eyes they would be bloodshot. I didn't want to see it and I didn't want him to see the tears that were forming in mine. I just knew he was going to tell me I had nothing to keep him any longer.

"I'm sorry," he whispered into my ear and I peeked up at him.

His eyes were bloodshot and the words didn't hold the same weight that they would have if he had been sober, but like every other time I forgave him for hurting me.

Instead of walking across the stage as valedictorian for my class I walked across somewhere in the top twenty-five. My three and a half years of perfect grades kept me from falling too far down in the rankings.

There was low clapping from the crowd as I crossed but I knew my parents weren't a part of that. They were not proud of me. I had already lost their respect, but as I got to the end of the line the one voice that would always warm me called out in the dull clapping.

"That's my girl."

I blushed and quickly made my way off the stage. It was strange how those words warmed me to my soul but only moments before he had me in tears. I was such a stupid girl.

"Party!" Emmett yelled as we all piled into his Jeep. For the past five months that I had spent with them they had never partied with anyone outside of the six of us but on graduation night they decided it was time to corrupt the youth of Forks High.

I, however, did not agree but knew not to say anything. It wasn't my place to. So, I rode along with them to the party that set all the tragedy in motion.

The other kids at the party didn't know what to think having "us" there, and I say us because over the past semester I had become one of them. I was a part of their group; I was Edward's girl. It didn't matter that I didn't do drugs or sleep around, they still judged me.

My little group of friends didn't waste any time getting trashed. They were picking fights and causing all kinds of problems. I felt so stupid being there with them and I felt out of place, so I had a drink. Then I had another and another, which led me to being a stumbling mess. I recalled Edward helping me to the car and everyone laughing at me but I didn't recall why my shirt was off.

I was in a haze, my whole body numb as I watched the road in front of us sway. I watched sickly as the Jeep hedged to the left, but I wasn't sure if it was from Edward's driving or me being intoxicated. Then lights flashed and horns sounded. The impact was loud and powerful. It all happened so fast.

My seat belt dug into me and I couldn't breathe. Someone screamed there was blood; I could smell it but I couldn't see anything. I blacked out as my stomach churned from the stench of rust and salt.

When I opened my eyes again the room was bright and there was an annoying beeping sound. I glanced about the room and my eyes landed on him. He was sitting in a chair with his head in hands.

"Edward," my voice was gruff and my throat hurt.

He looked up quickly and I nearly passed out from the sight of him. His face was cut and bruised; his eyes were the darkest shade of green I had ever seen them. However, he wasn't high. He was exhausted and completely devoid of emotion as he stared at me. I saw a flicker of relief, but it was quickly replaced by resolve. I saw it in his eyes that what ever he did next he had planned out, but I had no idea what that was.

"Hey," he said. His voice broke and he made his way over to me slowly. I noticed he limped and looked down to see his leg in a huge black boot. "Are you okay?" I asked and then it all came back to me. The Jeep merging over its side of the line, lights flashing, horns honking, and then the smell of blood. "Oh God."

My eyes widened and I felt my chest get heavy.

He came over and kissed my forehead in an effort to calm me.

"I love you. I have always loved you," he whispered. His warm breath spread across my face. My chest felt heavy and I had to hold back tears. There was so much emotion in his words, more than I had ever heard him speak.

"I love you, too." I had to speak through the lump in my throat. "What happened?"

He stared into my eyes as he stroked the tears away with his thumbs. His eyes got glossy as they filled with tears of their own. There was so much pain there.

"I am so sorry," he cried as he laid his head down on my chest.

I went to wrap my arms around him, but realized only one arm was responding. I felt panicked as I looked down at my left arm to see it wasn't there, it had to be some kind of nightmare.

"My arm," I whispered brokenly.

"I am so sorry," Edward cried slicing into my heart. My arm was gone, not longer attached to my body, but I couldn't think about it. Edward needed me, at least that is what I told myself.

"It's okay," I assured him and stroked his hair with my right hand. Fear was bubbling in me. I had no idea what he was sorry for and I had no idea what had happened to my arm, but I knew it wasn't good and I was suddenly really worried about our other friends.

I could feel the tragedy, loss, and pain in the air. My whole body was on high alert, and I knew that nothing would ever be the same. I knew that lives were altered and changed in dramatic ways. Edward sobbed into my chest, and I held onto him for dear life. Then he bared his soul to me.

He cried hard as he told me about his parents. They had been normal people at one time, but they got into financial trouble and then they fell into a depressive state. They battled depression for years to take care of their son but it all became too much. Edward was supposed to be spending the night at a friend's house, but he got scared and came home early. He was only six. As his friend's mother was walking him up the sidewalk they heard a gun shot and then seconds later they heard another. Edward had taken off running towards the house before the woman could stop him. He saw both of his parents covered in blood and dying in front of his eyes. Luckily he spared the details but I had an active imagination. They left a note saying that they left Edward in the custody of Carlisle and Esme Cullen, his godparents. After Edward had time to grieve, the Cullen's moved to Phoenix for a fresh start. However, Edward never truly grieved. They moved many times trying to find a fresh start for him until they settled in Forks. The image of his parents' dead bodies hunted him day after day, and he couldn't control the demons that tried to over take him.

He admitted that he had attempted suicide more than the one time; that he slit his wrist and that everyday was a battle. That was why he used; it made the days easier and it kept the nightmares away.

"Then there was you," he whispered as his sobs subsided. I held him tighter to me, not wanting to lose contact with him and trying not to think about my missing arm. "I wanted you the moment I saw you, but as I watched you I knew I couldn't ruin your life. I couldn't take you down with me. I avoided it for so long just watching you from afar but that day that I cut you off in the parking lot you looked so cute with your angry scowl that I couldn't take it anymore. So, in Biology I took the opportunity to spend time with you. When I asked you to skip with me I was testing you; I had promised myself that if you said no I would stay away, but if you said yes then it was your own fault. Then the expected but unexpected happened; as expected you said no, but the unexpected was that it hurt me. It hurt so badly hearing you say no and I felt like no one wanted me. So, I spent the rest of the week battling with what to do. My selfish side said to take you and make you mine, but a very tiny part of me said not to do it. You know which side I choose. That night after I left your house I felt so guilty and everything crashed down on me. I am an extremely selfish person and I am truly sorry for everything I have done to you and everyone else. I do love you, even though I never put you first like I should have. I promise to never hurt anyone again."

He pulled back from me and my heart ached.

"Why does it feel like you are saying goodbye?" I asked, trying to settle the unsettling feeling inside of me. He didn't answer my question.

"Can you forgive me?" he asked. I couldn't speak. I just nodded at him and he leaned in and kissed me passionately.

I felt every emotion he was trying to relay to me and I got my answer. It was a goodbye and I hated it. I didn't want to say goodbye; he couldn't leave me.

"You need to rest," he whispered against my temple as he kissed my head. I shook my head refusing to close my eyes. I knew if I did he would be gone when I opened them again.

"Promise me you won't leave me. I need you. I love you," I told him desperately. I was on the verge of having a panic attack.

"Shh, my love." He brushed my hair out of my face and tried to soothe me. "I promise I will always be with you." His words didn't calm me.

He made me lay back and I pulled him down with me. His arms wound around me and he held me. We truly held each other for the first time and I couldn't ignore that so much pain had to be shed for me to get this moment with him. I had to lose a limb and there was no telling what everyone else had lost in that crash.

"I want you; I always have and always will. I forgive you," I whispered as sleep over took me.

Just as I knew I would, I woke up alone. A doctor, my father acting as the chief of police, and a counselor came in to speak with me. They told me that the Jeep had hit another car head on; the family in the car died on impact. Alice and Jasper were going to be alright other than a few broken bones. Rosalie had been thrown through the windshield and was dead on arrival. Emmett was going to be paralyzed from the waist down for the rest of his life. I had many injuries also and my arm was severely mangled, so they had to amputated from the upper arm down. As tragic as losing my arm was, it wasn't as tragic as a family losing their lives.

My father spoke to me as if he didn't even know me. He told me of all the charges that would be brought down on Edward. All of us had been way over the legal limit and the others had drugs in their system. It wasn't looking good for any of us.

My heart broke for the family of five that was now gone because of us. Nothing could bring them back, nothing could replace them, and it was all my fault. If I hadn't drank then I could have drove and none of it would have ever happened.

Edward didn't return to the hospital to see me, but early the next morning a letter arrived at the hospital for me.

He said he couldn't live with himself.

He said he loved me and always would.

He said I gave him a sense of happiness.

He told me to move on.

He told me he was sorry.

He told me it would be his last selfish act.

I hated him for doing it and it was the last straw.

For the three months after that I was all that was left of him and everyone watched me, some with blame and some with pity. His tracks were printed across my body and his iron nails were embedded in my heart.

So, I walked the tracks and followed the path. The impact he made on me was powerful and fast; it was over quickly but the scars remained like tracks after a train.

With my eyes closed I could see his face and I knew that soon everything would be in place; our tracks were coming to an end and then we could just be.

"See you soon."

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