Author's Note: Sooooo pbroken and I had a little discussion about our significant others trying to write for us. Moral of the story is, boys have hilarious ideas for stories and what they constitute as acceptable smut. After poking a little fun, pbroken wrote me a hilarious one-shot based off of something my boyfriend wrote for me. She thought it's be funny to have "Real Life FanFiction" with more realistic (or unrealistic) male characters so I ended up sending her a response. So since this is the only thing I've ever completed, so far, I just had to post it. It's COMPLETELY OOC, but I hope you find as much laughter in it as we did.

DISCLAIMER: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. She'd probably shot me in the head if she ever saw this so no copyright infringement is intended.

JPOV

Waking up before the ending of my amazing Kim Kardashian fantasy left me rock hard and pissed off. Unable to figure out what the fuck woke me up in the first place, I rolled over in bed to see my wife, Alice. She was still asleep, but somehow she was already pissing me off. Just watching at how peaceful she slept made me want to smack a bitch.

Instead, I decided to let her join me in my misery. Sure, it would be totally fucked up to wake her, but at the very least I'd get a blow job out of it. I could be a charismatic fucker when I needed to be.

"AYE, ALICE!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. "WAKE THE FUCK UP ALREADY!"

She didn't move. I knew the bitch heard me, too. I guess I really was going to have to smack a bitch! With a resounding 'Pop' I back-handed the shit out of her ass through the thin material of the bed sheet.

"Owe, Jazz! What the fuck?" She grumbled sleepily.

"Watch that tongue when you speak to me, girl." She better know who she's fucking talking to. I run this shit and I demand respect.

I didn't even let her try to ask questions as I pressed my body to hers, I just wanted to pick up where my dream had left off. Alice was no Kim Kardashian, but she was cute. Annoying as fuck, but cute. Plus she could take the dick and that's all that really mattered anyway. That and that she looked good doing it. Plus she cooks, too. Yea, so maybe she is a good catch. I needed to show her I appreciated her...just a bit.

My hands traveled down her body as my mouth attacked her neck. Alice seemed to be struggling against me a bit, but I'd let her know that I would think about letting her get off. My left hand grasped her breast tightly, running my fingernails over her puckered nipples. I let my right hand continue down until I could slip two fingers into her juicy pussy. Fuck! She was always so tight and wet, just like I liked it.

I was moaning and groaning and going crazy, not even caring if she was into it. She wasn't.

"What the hell are you doing Jasper?" She had the nerve to sound annoyed. "It's past three in the morning!" I think she fake yawned at the end for emphasis.

"Don't worry baby, daddy's gunna take care of you," I lied smoothly while still going to town all over her body. She seemed to realize that it was my way or the highway and her body went completely limp. I peeked up at her face and just barely caught her rolling her eyes at me. Whatever, if she didn't care about me getting her off then it was her loss. Besides, she needed to earn that shit and she wasn't helping her case.

High on my victory, I removed my hand from her pussy. I was tempted to lick my fingers, but I didn't know if morning breath applied for vag as well. Nothing's worse than musky cunt. That's the main reason I didn't allow her to work out anymore. She would come home from the gym looking all sweaty and tasty and I'd get a whiff and almost pass out. Scientist say there's pheromones and all that other bullshit, but obviously they're bat-shit crazy; it's just stank.

I wiped my fingers off on her moo-moo and I swear I heard her sigh. Didn't matter to me though, it's not like she wore any of that fuck-hot Victoria's Secret stuff after we got married. Selfish bitch. It was too fucking expensive anyway and my girl didn't need another reason to go shopping. She'd buy me out of house and home if I didn't put a limit on her credit cards. But I digress.

With the reflexes of a cheetah, I mounted her, flipping her onto her stomach in the process. If she didn't want to be an active participant, I'd do what I wanted. I'd do what I wanted anyway, but I would have asked first. Maybe.

I pulled my boxers down as I rose up on my knees and slammed into her without pause. Alice screamed out swatting at my thighs in obvious anger.

"Jasper Lee Whitlock, I swear to God, if you even think about sticking that in my ass...you'll regret it," she warned. I hadn't even considered it, but now...I wonder... "Don't even think it," she reiterated.

"Fine," I shrugged as I started pumping in and out, in and out. Her pussy was always the best. She was so tight and so fucking warm.

"Oh, shit, Alice. So good," I huffed through panting breaths, kneading her ass with my palms. I was already a little winded - from being half asleep of course – so I wrapped my arms around her middle and hugged her back to my chest.

She was starting to get into it, letting out moans and even rocking back a bit to keep pace with me. With her doing some of the work it allowed me to rear back up and grasp onto her hips. The rhythm was coming together nicely and I couldn't help the grunts echoing around the dark room, spurring me on further as they mingled with her soft voice. I used one of my hands to tangle into her short, black hair, pulling her head backward causing her to shriek in a painful pleasure.

"Fuck baby, that's it!" I encouraged as I felt her walls start to tighten around my throbbing cock. I released my hand from her hip and pulled tighter on her hair as I smacked her ass with an open palm.

"Oh, fuck!" bellowed from the both of us as the sting on her ass cheek echoed the one in my hand. It was enough to send me plummeting over the edge, pumping erratically until I was spurting deep inside of her body.

"Thanks, baby," I sighed out as I rolled from on top of her to my side of the bed, leaving Alice on all four gaping at me like a fish.

"Close your mouth honey or you'll catch flies," I chuckled as I snuggled into my slightly cool pillow, reeling from the amazing midnight fuck.

Alice grumbled as she repositioned herself in the bed, yanking most of the covers from me. It didn't matter, I got mine and now it was on to sleepy town. It wasn't my fault she was left wanting. She could take care of it herself in the morning if it was so important.

That night I dreamt of pancakes and cheesy scrambled eggs. I thought I was still dreaming when the smells ceased to evaporate when I opened my eyes. Alice served me a plate and a giant cup of coffee as I walked into the kitchen to investigate. My girl knew the way to my heart.

"Morning beautiful!" fell from my lips after giving her a 'good morning' kiss on the cheek. I took a swig of my coffee and reached for the paper. I was on my second plate before I noticed Alice was still smiling at me without eating any breakfast herself.

"Everything alright, darlin'? Why aren't you eating?" I asked her not even taking my eyes off the sports column.

"Well, I don't want to have the shits, so I'll get something later." Her voice was sickeningly sweet.

I had no fucking idea what she was going on about, but I didn't like what I think she was implying. My confusion must have shown on my face clear as day because she elaborated as she collected her things for her day.

"There's ex-lax in all your food, fucker, so I hope you enjoy 'getting yours' the next time you want to dream about motherfuckin' Kim Kardashian and not even let me get off. I called you out of work so enjoy your day on the toilet," she said as she whirled through the room and towards the front door. "Tootles!" she called out before slamming the door behind her.

I felt my stomach rumble after not even two minutes as I stared at the empty space where my bitch of a wife was once standing.

Annoying as fuck, but cute.

A/N: Hope you enjoyed. all flames and loves acceptable =)

~Tay