Hey it's Johnny.
I'm sleeping in the lot tonight because, as usual, my folks are fighting again. Ponyboy just left. He's gonna be in some serious trouble with Darry for coming home so late, it ain't his fault though, he fell asleep! I know Darry will be yelling something fierce, but Pony is lucky Darry care so much. My parents could care less where I am, or what I'm doing or who I'm hanging around with. I bet they don't care. Pony says I got the gang that cares and I love them boys to bits, but that ain't the same as family, my own flesh and blood, even if I don't love them, just care. I don't understand why I care so much when the only family I got is lousy. It's almost like my folks aren't even around most of the time. I mean shoot, my mom drinks so much she can't even see straight and my old man, if he even recognizes me, beats the tar out of me or cusses me out. Love is caring, but caring sure ain't love. Either my own folks don't love me or they're too wasted and strung out to show it. Glory, I really hope they do. But if they did care, you'd think they'd sober up for me! I hang out with the boys to get away from my damned home life, but I always keep on stumbling back, because I care about them and maybe, just to have parents, I guess. I am grateful to still have my folks, honest. I know how much Pony misses his, but I guess I just wish they were normal people, not hammered and doped up all the time, ya' know? I want to love them, but I can't, I can only care. Sometimes I like to think what it would be like if they weren't so messed, instead of fighting they kiss each other on the cheek and ask how each other's day was. My father and I would play football in the backyard and talk about cars while mom sat and watched, smiling. Lord, I can't remember the last time one of them smiled. I would give anything for them to be normal and happy. Or if they could clean up for one day, just one day, and show me they care just a little, and maybe even love me. Because I care, and I matter too, don't I? I know my parents don't have to love me, I sure know I don't got to love them, but hell, I wish it were different. . I care, I care a lot, but ain't they obligated to care too? Don't you think they ought to care? What reason do they have not to love me? I have plenty of reasons to not love them, to hate them even, but you know what, I do, I do love them. I do because they are my family, I don't got to but I do. What kind of life would I have if I hated my folks? I guess not much would change because they don't provide for me or nothing now. Hate ruins people, hate ruined my parents, but I sure as hell won't let it ruin me. Uh oh, Pony is coming back, he looks upset.
Your Buddy,
Johnny Cade