This is a little drabble about my Lavellen mage Inquisitor. She is in a relationship with Blackwall and has just found out about his past in Val Royoux. Now she is on her way back to Ferelden. Note: English is not my mother tongue - so sorry for any mistakes ;) Enjoy!
It had been almost dark when the ship had reached the open sea. All of them were a lot quieter than usually this evening – even Sera and especially the Inquisitor herself. The elfish mage had excused herself before dinner and as she still had not returned to their common cabin, Cullen had decided to look for her.
The ship was large enough that he did not find her for a while, but in the end he discovered her standing at the rear and looking back into the direction of Val Royaux. It did not take a fortune teller to know what she was thinking of.
To learn about Blackwall's or Thom Rainier's past had been hard for all of them. No one had expected the man to have a past that was the opposite of all they had believed to know about the Warden. Cullen himself was torn between acknowledgement for the man's decision to stand up for his men and confess his crimes and disgust for his cowardice in the past. Sera had been cursing and swearing all the way to the harbour and if the Iron Bull with a glance at the slumped shoulders of their leader had not silenced her, the elfish rouge would surely still go on swearing right now. She had liked their companion just as anyone else. So she felt betrayed by his lie – just as anyone else.
Dorian had not even once made one of his arrogant remarks about the older Warden. His silence was the absolute proof of how deep the man from Tevinter must have been shocked himself. At first Cullen had not wanted to believe what their spies had reported, but he had seen the look on the Inqusitor's face as he had met her at the jail and he knew that the tale of Blackwall's dark past had to be true. Now it was up to them to decide if they were going to free the man or if they left him to his fate.
The burden of that decision was on the small shoulders of the young woman right in front of Cullen and he did not envy her for it. She was his lover, she was closer to Blackwall than anyone else and still she had been just as surprised to learn about his sins as the rest of them. The former Templar did not know how he would decide if he was in her place.
Cullen cleared his throat soundly to announce himself. "Commander, is there anything I can do for you?" Her voice sounded calm but sad and the sadness in it was like a dagger to the man's heart. He sighed and stepped up to her side. "Actually I wanted to ask if there was anything I could do for you, Lady Inquisitor. Would you mind some company?" I was worried to see you all alone here, so close to the water, he added silently to himself.
Lavellan just nodded and continued to watch the sea and the stars. Standing next to her in silence was a hard exercise, almost harder than those meditation lessons at the chantry, but he waited patiently for her to speak. It seemed to him like hours before she finally raised her voice. "I should have guessed something. He was always very vague when being asked about the Wardens and his past. Maybe if Leliana had given me that report we might have…"
Her voice trembled off. They would have what? Deep in her heart of hearts she knew that having read this report would not have told her anything about Blackwall's dark past. And even if it had – would she have wanted to believe this paper? She was almost sure to know the answer to that question. "It must be hard for you. I know how much he means to you." Cullen placed an assuring hand on her shoulder, almost pulling it back when a flash of excitement rushed through his body.
It was not the first time they had touched each other, but this was the first time they were alone. It was the first time he came to see her as a friend, not her counsellor. Cullen drew a deep breath and managed to make his voice sound as firm and positive as possible. "Don't worry, my Lady, we will find a way to bring him back to you."
Cullen's soft voice and the warm hand on her shoulder were more than she could endure. Her slender shoulders trembled as sudden sobs were shaking her and Cullen did not think when he pulled her into a warm embrace. "I don't know what to do, Cullen." Her voice suddenly sounded more than just sad as her tears were wetting his shirt. It had become desperate and tortured and it broke the soldier's heart. "I feel that whatever I decide on will be wrong. Is it righteous to free him from his cell? He has accepted his fate, he is ready to die, but I am not. I cannot leave him there." No matter if she would keep him as her lover, she was not ready to let him die. There were so many things she needed to know from him, she wanted him to answer every single question she asked him. She had to know if all that he had told her had been lies. Even if his answers might shatter the pieces of her broken heart. And those were just the consequences that regarded her own person. She had ceased to belong just to herself when she had been made the leader of the Inquisition.
"But getting him out of those dungeons will cost us dearly – either the lives of our men, if we get him out by force, or our reputation if we use our connections. But still, I cannot leave him there, can I?" She sounded like a very young girl in her last sentence. The commander had never seen her that vulnerable before and it touched his heart.
Cullen shook his head. He himself felt torn about the fact that it was him comforting her right now. After all she was talking about her lover, whilst he had been in love with her for a long time. So whatever he would tell her felt somehow wrong – either for his sense of honour, or for his own heart. Yet she needed him right now, so he would be there for the elfish mage. And as there were no words he had to comfort or guide her, all he could do was hold her until he felt her breath calming down.
He closed his eyes, brushing his lips gently against her hair, sucking in her scent. She smelled of roses and lavender and warm skin. Careful now, don't push it too far, a warning voice inside his head was whispering. Cullen took a deep breath and silenced it. "I know that your decision is all but easy, Lady Lavellan, and I cannot give you council, but I trust you will do the right thing", he whispered against her hair.
Her cheeks were burning with heat as she buried her face in his shirt, sucking in the scent of leather and sun. Was it a coincidence that out of all Cullen had come to look for her that night? Was this embrace a gesture of friendship and concern or was there more behind his care? She had been watching him from afar for such a long time, ever wondering what he might see in her. An elfish apostate – a danger to them all, a bright leader or just a silly elfish girl? But maybe he had seen something completely different all the time. Thinking about it she noticed she hardly knew anything about him at all. He was a fierce warrior, a brilliant military leader, a loyal friend and good at chess. But she did not know if there was anyone who owned his heart.
"Is there anyone you care for in Kirkwall?" The muffled question that had been burning on her tongue for such a long time hung in the salty air for a heartbeat. Lavellan lifted her head to meet the soldier's gaze as Cullen took some time to make his reply. What should he say when the person he desired with all of his heart was here in his arms, even if he knew he could not have her – so near and yet so far? But even if it was impossible to tell her the truth – she had had enough lies already - he had not the heart to lie to her. So he forced himself to give her a smile. "Not in Kirkwall, no."
This might have been the moment when he should have let her go, should have convinced her to come with him into the common cabin to join the others, because they were surely worried and the night was cold, but he still held her in his arms, studying her face, none of them daring to speak as this moment seemed to last forever.
And all of a sudden his warm lips were covering hers, his grip tightening around her slender waist as he pressed her against his warm body. This kiss was as different from Blackwall's as the man himself. It was hot and hungry, full of passion and desire and had nothing in common with the tender and almost shy kisses of her lover. Kisses that had been filled with lies and guilt.
The thought of Blackwall reminded her all too well that she should not be doing this, but instead of pushing Cullen away she felt herself leaning into the kiss, returning it fiercely and burying her hands in his thick sandy curls as she pulled his head closer to hers. She could feel his body responding to her embrace as he pressed himself against her and it filled her with guilty pleasure.
He knew it was wrong, knew she was another man's love, a man he had almost called a friend, but he had been resisting his urge to kiss her for far too long. He had started to recognize what he felt for her when she had left the chantry in Haven to face Corypheus, risking her own life for the benefit of all. Cullen couldn't tell how often he had woken from nightmares seeing her going to her death since then and the feeling of her warm lips on his now made his fears melt like snow in the sun. Yes, it was wrong to kiss her, but if it was wrong, why did it feel so right?
But no matter how good this felt, she was not his. Collecting all of his willpower Cullen broke the kiss with a gasp and took a step back. He could not manage to look into her eyes, so he lowered his gaze and his right hand started to rub his neck in embarrassment. "Forgive me, Lady Lavellan. This was inappropriate and tactless. I…"
Warm hands cupped his cheeks and pulled his face down a little so the elf could seal his lips with a tender kiss. There was a deep sadness in her eyes when he dared to meet her gaze and an even sadder smile on her lips. "I wish this kiss had come a long time ago, Commander. It might have saved both of us a lot of pain. Now, if you would excuse me. I should need some time on my own."
His face was glowing red with heat as he bowed his head in a gesture of parting. "As you wish, Lady Lavellen. Just don't stay out here for too long. The night is cool." She watched him leaving with firm steps, her fingers resting on her lips that were still burning from his kiss. A thousand thoughts were spinning in her head. If his plan had been to kiss her in order to distract her from her worries, it had only partly worked out. Blackwall now wasn't the only man on her thoughts anymore, but this did not make her life any easier.
"He's a terrific kisser then, I assume?" Dorian's voice almost made her jump. Her reaction in return made him burst out into laughter. "How long have you been watching?" she snapped at him, sounding more guilty than she had intended to. The Tevinteranian came striding from the shadows, grinning like the cat that swallowed the canary. "Be glad Varric wasn't here to witness this. Otherwise it would be halfway printed and on Cassandra's bedside table now."
Lavellan shot him an angry gaze. "Don't mock me, Dorian, not today." This day had been like a bad and twisted dream from the moment on she had seen Blackwall in the Orlesian marketplace. She just did not have enough strength left for the banters with Dorian she usually quite enjoyed.
When he was close enough to get a look at her face, the broad smile vanished and made room for an expression full of affection mingled with grief. "I am sorry for what has happened, petal. Come with me, let's leave the rear of this ship. We should talk, but not in a place where you have to look back all the time. Let us go somewhere where we can see what lies ahead of us."
She accepted his outstretched arm and allowed him to lead her to the front of the ship. It was windier there and she started shivering in her thin clothes. Dorian pulled her into a warm embrace and they were watching the sea parting in front of the ship as they were heading towards the Fereldian coast at full speed. "Any ideas what you want to do now, pet?" Dorian asked her after a long silence. The elfish mage shrugged. She was confused, hurt and disappointed. All she wanted to do now was hiding in the aravel of her clan and cry herself to sleep. But this was impossible and the company of friends like Dorian was almost as good as the comfort of her family.
"I don't know, Dorian. I cannot possibly make a decision if I do not know all the options. The only thing I'm sure about is that I don't want him to die. But the question is how to get him out of this mess. Whatever I do – Blackwall will not be pleased." After all he had already decided for himself, that he wanted to die for his crimes. Yet what about her feelings? He hadn't wasted a single thought on what she wanted as it seemed. Lavellan felt the fury creep back into her heart. "Leaving him to rot in his cell would at least save me the trouble of telling him about that blasted kiss." The thought of it alone made her cheeks glow red again and Dorian seemed to notice it despite the darkness that surrounded them.
"So he is a terrific kisser then" Dorian chuckled in her back. He even started to laugh when she turned around and he saw the mixture of embarrassment and pleasure on her cheeks. "Just go over to him and find it out yourself if you really want to know" she snapped full of anger. The Tevinter Man raised one of his eyebrows. "I'm almost tempted to do it, even if it was just for the expression of our fearless commander. I just fear that he'd would bind me, stuff me into a box and send me right back to Tevinter after he had recovered from the shock. And maybe you would even help him doing so. I suppose you can be quite jealous, petal."
"I am not his lover, Dorian! When I woke up this morning my heart was still full of concern for another man and now I'm not even sure I know this man's real name! How could you assume I would already be thinking about a new lover if I'm not even sure what to do with the other one!" Her palm had started glowing in a bright green as her fury had risen and both mages were looking at the Elf's hand in awe. Lavellen made a fist to shield the glow from being seen and Dorian covered her hand with his in a comforting gesture. She couldn't be furious at Dorian for a long time, just like you couldn't be angry with your brothers for teasing you. Confusion crept back into her heart and tears rolled from her eyes.
"I don't know anything right not" she sobbed again. "I feel so hurt. I feel like he betrayed me, like all of his kisses were nothing but lies. Did you know he left right after we made love for the first time? My first thought was that I had disappointed him. I have been asking myself day and night what I made wrong. Even if we get him out of his cell I don't know if I can forgive him. But on the other hand I still think I love him. I just cannot brush away my feelings for him as if they have never existed. He has been a part of my life for many months now and I cannot simply forget about that. So tell, me Dorian, what am I supposed to do with him?" And what shall I do about Cullen, she added in her thoughts. She couldn't deny that she felt a deep affection for the young handsome Commander of the Inquisition. She had not been sure about his intentions towards her, but tonight he had made quite clear that he was not at all uninterested.
As if Dorian had read her thoughts, he looked at her with the hint of a mocking smile in the corners of his mouth. "And what about Cullen? To be honest you did not seem too disgusted by what he was doing. If I was to choose between the old bear and the Commander, I'd know who to take." His fingers were curling the ends of his moustache. But the elven mage did not smile. Instead she lowered her head and pressed it against his chest. All of this mess was so confusing. For a heartbeat she caught herself at the thought that she wished she had arrived in Orlais a day later. A feeling of guilt about that horrible thought made her cry again and it took a long while until she calmed down again.
When she had stopped crying Dorian raised her chin, dried her tears with the back of his velvet sleeve and looked at her for a long time. His voice was full of a seriousness she hadn't known he was capable of. "You listen to me, love. Any man who is not blind, daft or gay would never even think about rejecting you. You can have whoever you want – the old grumpy one or our dashing Commander. I bet even Varric would put his Bianca aside for you because you are a damn fine woman. "
He could see the tears that were collecting in the corners of her eyes, but Dorian shook his head. "Don't cry, petal. Tears are poison for a beautiful face. Let's go back to Skyhold. I'm sure that your mistress master spy will already have an idea how to get Blackwall out of that prison." The elf nodded slowly and Dorian could see that she was still deep in thoughts, pondering about what would happen to their relationship. That was why he continued. "You don't have to decide right now what will happen after he's back at the fortress save and sound. Just let me tell you one thing. If you want to take back that grumpy old bear of yours, only do it if you can not only forgive him his lies, but also forget them. If you cannot do this, it will destroy your love like a slow poison that kills his soul as well as yours. Believe me, you do not want to make the same mistakes as I did."
Both mages felt, that all that was to be said had been said, so they stood side by side silently and watched the waves branding against the front of the ship, carrying them towards Ferelden. Finally Dorian was the one to break the silence. "It's getting really freezing now and we will both catch more than a cold if we do not go inside. There was a cauldron full of mulled wine on the fire when I left to look for you. Let's find out if Sera left some for you, won't we?" Lavellen accepted his outstretched arm and now she felt the cold and the exhaustion after the long day getting a grip on her. She was glad to enter the warm cabin of the ship and a bit surprised that Sera and the Bull had really saved some wine for her. The strong wine and the steady movements of the ship did the rest and before Lavellen noticed she had fallen asleep in her comfortable armchair. She did not even wake up when her Commander carried her into her private cabin and covered her with a warm woollen blanket.