Suppressing Memories

A/N
Spoilers to signature season 9, loss season 4, ghost season 6
Right now the rating is T, will get to M in the next chapter.
This is my first SVU fanfic. Second fanfic overall.
I'm a big Olivia/Alex fan, just so you know, and I plan on writing some more A/O stories in the future, but this episode, Signature, gave me weird inspiration. Let me know if you like it.
Oh. And Dick Wolf owns all this.

Chapter 1

Olivia stepped over fallen limbs and branches, breathing in the fall air. Another dead body. She arrived at the scene and brushed her hair out of her eyes. She wondered absently how things are going with Munch and Elliot in Montreal. She saw Dr. Warner hunched over the body of woman. A dead man lay nearby.
"What do we got, Melinda?"
"The park grounds keeper got an email reporting a dead dog and came out to take care of it. This is what he found. Two dead bodies. First one, female with multiple ligature marks around the neck and burns on the both areolae and labia."

A voice from behind her startled Olivia.
"She was probably tied up with an extension cord and then burned with the exposed tips. This guy rapes his victims with foreign objects and then puts buckets over their heads to drown them. "
Olivia looked at the blonde woman, giving her the once over and deciding immediately that she didn't like her. She was beautiful, sure, and maybe she was nice, but Olivia didn't know yet and didn't care. It was always difficult to have people from other departments step on your toes and invade your investigations.
"And who are you?" asked Olivia with a raised eyebrow.
"Agent Lauren Cooper, FBI. I'm with the behavioral analysis unit."
"Ah. Detective Olivia Benson. I haven't filed my sixty-one yet, how did you know about this?"

Melinda broke in to say that she entered the type of death into the FBI database and it matched a serial killer's M.O.
"Agent Cooper here has been trailing this guy all the way up from Georgia," said Melinda.
Cooper nodded. "They've started calling him The Woodsman, since he dumps his bodies in secluded parts of the woods."
"Ok," said Olivia. "So what about our second D.B.? Does he usually do men?"

"No, but he has been known to have two women at a time, he likes to double his fun and have one watch and listen while he tortures the other. Dr. Warner here thinks this guy probably stumbled on our guy dumping the body. He died of a gunshot wound and has been dead about 12 hours. She's been dead about 24."
"Ok, so we've got a Jane Doe and a John Doe, anything else?"
"Yeah. This guy likes to watch the body he dumped from a higher point."
"And why is that?"
"He thinks he's God."

While Agent Cooper walked slowly around the bodies studying them. Olivia watched her, evaluating her, sizing her up. She's certainly focused. Knows everything there is to know about this serial killer. And she's smart. And she's reminding me too much of Alex.

She let her mind drift off to thoughts of her lost lover. Wonderful moments spent together, moments that had become memories much too soon.
After flirting endlessly with one another at work, Alex was finally gutsy enough to ask Olivia on a date. An actual date, not an outing with the guys, and not an evening spent at the local cop bar. From there they had become lovers and had slowly fallen in love. Olivia had even been thinking about giving up her apartment to move in with Alex when everything with Velez and the drug world turned their lives upside down.

Alex had been shot. She had pushed too far trying to bring down a powerful drug lord. Velez had a hit man gun her down right before Olivia's eyes. And on the day before her 'funeral', she had told Olivia and Elliot goodbye, leaving for the witness protection program.

Olivia was heartbroken. She tried to move on with her life, but still held out on waiting for Alex to someday return.
She couldn't date. She couldn't sleep at night. She was a mess and if her mother hadn't been an alcoholic, she might have turned to drinking to help her forget. She was stuck, sober, with the memories and the wishful, hopeful thoughts that kept Alex on her mind.

When she finally did return, it was unexpected and didn't turn out the way Olivia had hoped. Two years after Alex was whisked away, she came back, suddenly, briefly, to testify against Liam Connors, the man who had shot her. Seeing Alex for that short time was wonderful, like having her back for good. But when Olivia came over to stay the night with Alex, to protect her again, Alex told her about her life in the witness protection program. As she spoke, Olivia's world seemed to crumble. Again.

Apparently Alex had been seeing a man that she worked with, and he whispered her name at night. Emily. That was her witness protection name. It ripped Olivia apart to hear Alex talk about her other life, the one Olivia had no part in, but she held in her emotions, listening quietly to her former lover. Her face fell only slightly when she heard Alex describe this man.
"It must have been hard to pretend to be someone you're not," she said quietly, looking out Alex's window at the surrounding buildings.

"Hold me," Alex said quietly as they laid in bed together.

And she did. She held Alex in her arms that night, wishing things could go back to the way they were, but knowing they might never be the same again. Alex was the same, still the fierce woman who thought like a prosecutor, she wouldn't take no for an answer. And she was so brave, thought Olivia, to stand up to this man when she knew she was risking her life again. But how could things go back to normal when she had been gone two years, she had lived a completely different life. She wondered if Alex still felt anything for her; she didn't have the courage to ask. She was too afraid to hear that Alex had moved on.

Later that night, Alex's back was nestled up against Olivia's front, Olivia had her arm draped around Alex's stomach, just like they used to sleep. They seemed to fall so easily back into their own habits. When she thought Alex was asleep, Olivia leaned over Alex's shoulder and whispered in her ear, hoping she might hear her voice in her dreams, "I'm still in love with you. I've thought of you every day you've been gone." Alex wasn't asleep. She turned in Olivia's arms and faced her. Alex rested her hand on the side Olivia's face, caressing it gently. She kissed Olivia's forehead and kissed her cheek and finally kissed her gently on the lips.
"Liv, I imagine that it's you holding me just like this every single night. I still love you too. Forever."
A tear rolled down Olivia's face, and Alex reached up with a gentle finger to wipe it away.

When the verdict came back the next day during Liam Connors trial, he was found guilty on all charges and Alex finally had her retribution. Olivia was overjoyed. She, and everyone else on the squad thought Alex could return. They could celebrate and get to know each other again. Olivia couldn't wait to start again with her. But when Agent Hammond came in the door to Cragen's office as they opened bottles of champagne to celebrate, he gave them the news.

Cabot and Antonio Montoya were given new identities and moved immediately. Olivia was heartbroken again. She didn't even say goodbye in person this time. How was her heart going to get over a second loss? When everyone eventually left the office, Elliot held her as she tried to hold in her tears.
_

Agent Cooper ripped Olivia from her thoughts.
"Detective Benson, you ready to go back to the station? We're done with the crime scene."
"Uh.. yeah let's go."
_

Back at the station, the team was talking about the case.
Captain Cragen asked about the source of the information leading the authorities to the bodies in the park.
Detective Benson pointed to the bulletin board at a map of Central Park. "Apparently, the park authority received an anonymous email that there was dead dog in this area."
"Ok," said Cragen, "So is there any way we can figure out where this email came from?"
"Yeah. I'll get on that right now," said Detective Lake.
"And what all do we know about this guy that relates him to your cases Agent Cooper?"
"He dumps the bodies in remote wooded areas, he rapes with foreign objects, tortures and burns his victims, and finally ends it with dry drowning. He puts a hood over their heads and pours water over them."
Cooper pointed out the different locations throughout the eastern United States that the Woodsman had dumped his bodies.

Olivia still felt a little standoffish to Lauren. Watching her, she was reminded all of the sudden of Alex, stalking around the squad room, just like Lauren was currently doing. Her stomach dropped at the thought of her. She tried so hard to keep Alex out of her thoughts. Losing Alex had hurt her so deeply. Why did Velez have to come along and rip Alex from her life? Why? It was so unfair. She was incomplete without her.

Since Alex's 'death', she hadn't been in a meaningful relationship with anyone, male or female. She'd dated a couple of people, but her heart wasn't in it anymore. She couldn't help but compare them to Alex. In bed, she could only think of Alex, imagined that it was Alex kissing her neck, Alex running her hands lightly down her back, Alex bringing her to a climax. And even when she did come, it wasn't as powerful as it used to be. Perhaps it wasn't fair to the people she was with, but she didn't care. She fell asleep believing Alex was in her arms again. In the morning however, it was always someone else. And that person never measured up.
Lauren certainly did look a bit like Alex, a blonde with piercing blue eyes. A strong woman who wasn't afraid to go after what she wanted. She would do for tonight, wouldn't she?

They didn't come across any new evidence that evening. Olivia looked around the squad room. Munch had his feet up on his desk, reading a report. Yawning at his desk, Fin started to stack up his papers and got ready to leave. Munch looked over at him, made some snide remark Olivia couldn't hear, and tossed his papers to his desk. They both picked up their jackets. "Well ladies, its 'bout time for me to get the hell home," Fin said tiredly. Munch nodded his head, "Me too."

Lauren was still diligently studying the connections between victims over by the bulletin board; she didn't look over at them, just waved her hand in their general direction. She didn't look a bit tired. Olivia felt pretty good herself, and as it was getting close to 8 o'clock, she decided to call it a day. "All right guys, see you tomorrow morning. "

Olivia walked over to the bulletin board. "Hey, it's getting late and we've been at this all day. What do you say we call it a day and grab a couple drinks down at O'Malley's?"
Lauren turned to look at her. She smiled and looked up and down Olivia's body, not even trying to hide the fact that she was unabashedly checking her out. Olivia appreciated the attention, but something threw her off guard. Lauren's smile didn't extend to her eyes. Those beautiful blue eyes that reminded her painfully of Alex were cold and empty.

"Thanks, Olivia. But I think I'd like to stay up here a bit longer and try and work out some different scenarios on our guy."
Well, I should've known. She's definitely more into the case than she is into me.

"Oh. No problem. ." said Olivia. "Maybe some other time, then."
"Maybe so, " Lauren said with another smile.

So Olivia went home alone. She had been mentally going over her plan for the evening with Lauren and was a bit surprised when she was rejected by the blonde. She laughed bitterly at herself for being overconfident as she closed the door to her car and crossed the street to her apartment building. Walking past her doorman, he raised an eyebrow at her. She could read his mind.
What? No one-night stand this time?
She smiled at him and shrugged her shoulders.
Sometimes even the best of us strike out, she thought.