Epiphany: "A sudden intuitive perception or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something..."
Tony's Epiphany
Tony set the cruise control to 10 miles over the speed limit. Tonight of all nights he didn't want to be stopped by some ticket happy trooper. He turned the heavy metal music up as loud as it would go and rolled down the windows as he drove the 495 bypass around D.C. He drove when he was upset. It was his therapy. Tonight, he drove to forget the past few days. Hell, he really wanted to forget the past year. When had he become such a screw up? Was there a therapy for that particular problem? He grinned mirthlessly.
It all started really when Gibbs quit and then came back. Tony thought he'd done okay with the temporary team leadership and then having to give it up but maybe he should have taken the Rota transfer after all? Maybe then Jenny would be alive and he wouldn't have broken Jeanne's heart. Wouldn't have gotten involved in the Director's private little wars with all the collateral damage to people he cared about.
He hit the steering wheel as hard as he could with his fist. Damn!
Oh, and today, let's try to forget today too, while you're at it, DiNozzo. Forget the funeral of the director you were supposed to protect. Forget the endless moments in Vance's office when he pronounced the death sentence on Gibbs' team. Ziva back to Mossad. Oh God, she had looked so scared. In three years it was the first time he had seen that look. McGee to Cyber Crimes. Yeah, sure, a logical move. The kid was a genius in the geek world but he was also an excellent agent and a vital part of the team. And Gibbs' face...like stone. Blue eyes ice cold as he was handed the three files on "his" new agents. And Screw Up DiNozzo? Out to sea - not even the Atlantic Fleet, but the friggin' Reagan in the Pacific.
No, no. Let's not think about today. It made him want to take the cruise control off and go as fast as the Mustang would take him to the end of the world. No, think about something else.
Jeanne's face came to mind. He'd thought he loved her. She was certainly worth loving; smart, beautiful, compassionate, brave. What was it John the dead cop had said when they were on surveillance together - "the whole marriage package?" Described Jeanne all right. Now she hated him. He had broken her heart not once but twice. He'd wanted it to work, hadn't he?
Suddenly he remembered the question the Director had asked him; how did he think it would all end? He'd had no answer then and he had no answer now.
He slewed his car into the emergency lane, slammed on the brakes and sat staring into the night. Really, DiNozzo, how had you expected the affair with Jeanne to end? Did he want the white picket fence, wife, kids or was it just nice to experience the months of loving relationship as Tony DiNardo, uncomplicated cinema professor, knowing at the end he'd shake off Jeanne by virtue of his lies. Was he really that afraid of commitment? Had Ziva been right all this time? Was he that big a coward?
Turning the key, he started the car again, pulling out in front of a semi not caring how the enraged driver blew his horn at him and then had to swerve into a different lane to avoid hitting him. Well, one thing he could do; he could find Ziva and tell her she was right about him. He was a rank coward when it came to commitment. In three years he'd never once told her she was right about anything. Maybe it was time to change that before they were separated by Vance's vicious whim.
He parked in front of Ziva's apartment building and turned off the engine. Did he really want to see Ziva tonight of all nights when his emotions were so out of control? She could read his mind when he least wanted her to. It scared him sometimes how in tune she was to him. No one had ever known him like she apparently did. Sure she wasn't always 100 but she always hit pretty close to the mark. Sometimes it all seemed spooky, almost supernatural, and then other times it made him feel...well, what did it make him feel? Understood? Accepted? Wanted? He paused in his thought...Loved?
Is that why he constantly kept her from getting too close? He teased her unmercifully, turned everything she said into a joke, often embarrassing her in front of men he felt she might be attracted to. The whole affair with Jeanne had been one long, painful nightmare of lying to Ziva when he knew she was concerned for him, when he knew she knew something was wrong in his life. He'd been relieved when he could actually talk about his "new girlfriend" and surprised Ziva had been so supportive. But occasionally he'd catch her looking at him and see the pain in her eyes before she'd look away.
He bashed his head into the steering wheel. "Dammit," he screamed. "Dammit, dammit, dammit." Not only was he a coward but he was a fool, a chucklehead, a jerk, an asshole, a total and complete idiot, a...
A tap at his window made him look up and loosen his grip on the steering wheel. Ziva peered through the glass at him.
"Are you okay, Tony?" He heard her say, voice slightly distorted by the glass pane between them.
She bent over slightly so she could see him through the window. In the light from the street lamp he could see she wore bicycle pants with tight red running shorts over them and a black sports bra. What was she thinking?
He motioned her back and opened the door.
"Ziva, its 2:30 in the morning. What the hell do you think you're doing out here dressed like that?"
She straightened up to her full height and looked him in the eye.
"I couldn't sleep, Tony, so I went for a run."
"You what?"
"I went for a run."
"Along the Potomac?"
"Yes."
He couldn't believe even Ziva could be so sure of her skills as to run through the park lining the Potomac near her apartment after dark. At night it was a place of muggings, rape and murder, not necessarily in that order. He put his hand on her shoulder and squeezed.
"That was stupid, Ziva."
She shook off his hand and crossed her arms over her chest.
"You're sitting in your car in front of my building so you could tell me how stupid I am?"
Then she shivered.
"I am getting chilled now I am not running anymore. Do you want to come in?"
He nodded and took a step toward her. She put her hand on his chest and stopped him.
"You are not allowed to tell me how stupid I am anymore, Tony."
He nodded and then he said, "I'm sorry."
Ziva moved her hand from his chest to his face and gently patted his cheek.
"It is okay, Tony. It has been a horrible day for all of us."
She turned and walked toward her apartment and he followed her, watching the delicious little jiggle of her buttocks in the tight shorts. Who knows, he might never see it again and it was one of his favorite sights in the whole world. He was depressed but never too depressed not to enjoy this particular view.
Taking a chain from around her neck she used the key on it and opened her door wide, motioning Tony to go in first. He walked through and stopped. The place was a mess. Books thrown on the floor, pictures strewn about with broken glass and frames, clothes tossed about as if by some windstorm. Ziva bodily pushed him into the room and then closed the door behind them.
"Ziva, was it like this when you left or have you been burglarized?"
She cleared her throat.
"It was like this when I left. I had a temper fit."
"Temper tantrum," he corrected softly.
"Yes," she nodded. "I had a temper tantrum. I lost control for a few minutes. I was so mad, I had to break something or, or, I don't know, something bad would have happened."
She came around him and stood staring at the mess she had left behind in her excess of anger, face expressionless. Abruptly she turned back to him.
"Would you like some coffee or a cup of tea?"
"Sure. A cup of coffee would be great."
She went into the kitchen and he followed her. She put water in the automatic coffee maker, popped in a filter and added 4 measures of coffee to the drip section and pushed the button. In just a moment the smell of fresh brewing coffee filled the air.
Tony sat down at her tiny kitchen table, barely big enough for 2 and she placed a sugar bowl on the table and then went into the fridge and got out a pint of half and half, which she set in front of him along with a couple of big mugs. Then she sat down across from him.
"Did you come to say goodbye, Tony? I think that would be nice since you didn't say much of a goodbye to anyone this afternoon. Am I your last stop?"
He noticed that her hands were in her lap, hidden from his view. He thought if he looked under the table he might see those same hands clenched tightly into fists, maybe so tightly her nails were cutting into the flesh. He could tell she was rigidly controlling herself.
"Ah, no. Ziva, you are my first and only stop. The others I can always fly back and see occasionally but if you go to Israel I don't know when I'll see you again."
"Or if," she said.
"Or if," he agreed. "So I have something I want to say to you. It just came to me tonight and I knew I had to tell you. Tell you you've been right about me all along."
Now she looked at him and her eyes showed her puzzlement.
"How, Tony. How have I been right?"
"I'm a coward. A big, fat, stinking coward and you knew it all the time. You knew I couldn't commit. You knew I'd always run away from true commitment. I realized tonight that was why I was able to love Jeanne for a little while; there was no true commitment there. Inside I knew it would all end when she found out the truth and I'd be free again. How many times did you call me a commitment-phobe over the years? Tell me I was a skirt chaser and a womanizer, shallow and empty inside?
"Tony, I do not..."
"No, let me finish. You were right. I realized tonight. You were right about so many things and I never listened to you, up to and including L.A. Didn't want to hear what you had to say. Tonight I realized that I am not just a general screw up but also a major fuck up and..."
Before he could finish the sentence she stood up and in one step was in front of him and slapped him across the face as hard as she could. He put his hand to his stinging cheek and widened his eyes in surprise. She'd never done that before!
"You just shut up, Tony. SHUT UP! Do not say another word or I will not be responsible for what happens."
She began to stride back and forth in front of him the short length of the kitchen.
"How could you say that? You think you're a coward? You are one of the bravest men I know. Yes, you are afraid of commitment but I know it is because you have been too hurt to be otherwise. You think sex equals love and that's why you chase all those women. You think I don't know this? You have yet to understand love is a separate and joyful entity. It can involve sex, yes, and wonderfully so, but not always. You don't really understand love at all."
She was swinging her hands in the air as she talked very fast. Not letting him speak.
"You almost understood it with Jeanne but you were right, a relationship built upon lies could not last. I don't think you deliberately set out to love her or have her fall in love with you but when it happened it was so wonderful for you, you didn't think ahead. Only lived for the moment. It was a special time in your life and you deserved to be loved and none of this makes you a coward and so do not ever tell me you are a coward again, Tony DiNozzo. Do you think I could love a man who was a coward? Do you think I could..."
She stopped as she realized what she had said in her anger. She looked at him, hand covering her mouth and then ran from the room. He heard her bedroom door slam. He sat there for a minute or two. Staring into space. Then he got up and made himself a cup of coffee and stood drinking it.
Setting the cup down on the table he went and stood by her door. He couldn't hear a sound. He smiled and then knocked softly.
"Ziva, please open the door. I think we have something else to talk about."
I felt this story ended here. There may be more to be said but it would come in a separate piece. Let me know what you think. Thanks for reading.