HARRY POTTER AND THE ARMY OF DUCKS!
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By: Talon
Disclaimer: all Harry Potter characters, ideas and places belong to JK Rowling and Warner Brothers.
"Ah, what a dull, boring day." He said. As you can probably see there will be a dramatic change in his day… ah, you'd have to be a coxcomb to believe that! And so the dull and boring day ended, and another began.
Now you're probably expecting that change to come sooner or later eh? Well wrong again. And so that day ended and another began. Harry felt slightly uncomfortable for he had only spoken once in the last few days. But that didn't change and another day came, and ended with a comment from the narrator and no words spoken. You're probably thinking to yourself, "how long can this idiot go on?" Quite a while I would tell you and so another day ended and another day came. Now to skip a few paragraphs of me harassing you I will just skip to next year. Harry had completely forgotten how to speak! Do to the fact that I haven't typed anything for him to speak. How about we mend that eh?
"Puago pinky fat fish fart." Okay, so he didn't speak all that intelligently did he? All the reason why I should quit with this and get on with the story.
* * *
Harry was still wondering about the words he had spoken, but that didn't matter any more, for he was about to enter the domain of the ducks! DUH DUH DA! As he sipped on a soft drink, he began wondering when he would ever get out of his routine, he begged with the narrator (me) to give him a change. So I figured I'd act like one of those genies on TV that always give you what you want, but not quite as you expect it.
"Hey Talon, could you just shut up and give me a change!?"
Certainly my scary-scarred sociable! And so I gave him just what he wanted, a change.
"When's it coming?" He asked.
Any moment now. Just then, a duck walked in front of Harry. He looked back up to the sky at me.
"Okay, I meant a good change you lunatic!" Just then the duck pulled out a frying pan and knocked Harry unconscious.
An hour later he came awake in a totally different area.
"Where am I?" He wondered. A small squeaky voice answered in his reply.
"In the domain of the ducks!"
"Are you serious?"
"Shut up nave! You are in an area of lies and misfortune, of outrageous horror-"
"It's a pond."
"Shut up I said! Now where was I"?
"Outrageous horror."
"Oh, thank you. Of outrageous horror!" The duck waited for the narrator to think of something. Oh wait I've got something!
"You shall serve as our slave, using your magic to make us… shrubberies!"
"Okay, are we copying Monty Python a little here?"
"Why can't you shut up!? I can't believe you will not shut up!"
"Sorry."
"Da** better be. Okay, I see shrubberies won't work. How about… kitchen cabinets?"
"I could live with that."
"Good, cabinets it is. Oh yes, I forgot to introduce myself, my name is Eldridge."
"So, what's the whole deal with this, what's your goal?"
"Something about killing off mudblods or something like that."
Harry gulped. "Mudbloods?"
"Yeah that."
"May I ask you who is in charge of this place?"
"Voldemort of course."
Harry snickered. "Voldemort? Wait, let me guess, he also has a fluffy bunny brigade in Japan!" Harry laughed at his own joke.
"Yes, that and the cuddly puppies."
"Are you serious?"
"Yes, why wouldn't I be?"
"Well I figured something a little more evil considering that he's the most evil man in all of the magic world."
"What else would you expect?"
"I don't know, maybe dementors or vampires or something like that."
Eldridge laughed. "You still have much to learn."
After what seemed to be an endless amount of chit-chat, Harry was put into the dungeon, which looked more like a 5-year-old pink obsessed muggle than it did an area of horror. Harry was soon disgusted; everything was pink and frilly!
"My God, Voldemort's gone off his rocker!" Above him he heard many squeaky voices screaming "GAH! Master has fallen off his chair!"
"A near silent voice was heard snickering in the corner of the "dungeon."
Harry raised an eyebrow and went off to look. He crouched and began searching with his eyes and hands until he heard a little crunch and tiny yell. He looked at his hand and saw a bluish gook.
"No! Father Smurf!" Screamed a tiny voice. Harry looked closer and couldn't believe his eyes! A SMURF!
"Oh my gosh! I watched you guys when I was little!"
"You killed my papa!"
"I never thought you were real!"
"Expletive you! You killed my papa!"
"Wow, am I dreaming or what?"
"Oh woe is me!"
"What's your name little fella'?"
"Orphan Smurf." He replied.
"That's not very smurfish."
"It fits now, doesn't it? You heartless scum!"
"Well I'll give you a new name!"
"No!!! Please don't! If I trade my name the penalty is death!"
"I'll call you Ugly Rumpus!"
"What is wrong with you! First you kill my father then you give the most idiotic name in the entire world! Oh release me oh cruel world!"
"I love you Ugly Rumpus!" Harry said; completely ignorant of what the Smurf was saying. Then by the power of the narrator (me) Ugly Rumpus immediately came to love Harry!
"You know what, you should live in my ear! Then we can think of some ways to break out of here!"
"I would love that Mista' Friend!"
"Now, how will we do this…"
Please look forward to Part II of Harry Potter and the Army of Ducks.
HARRY POTTER AND THE ARMY OF DUCKS!
Part II
Off the Rocker
(Antidisestablishmentarianism)
"… Is going to be a challenge. One thing for certain, is that we'll need to get something to defend ourselves with. Like a knife, or staff, or wand, or-"
"A fish?"
"A fish? What type of little retard would use a fish to defend themselves!? Seriously, a fish, what kind of moron are you, what is with you? A fish, jeez, and how would we get a fish anyway?"
"I don't know, I didn't think, I-"
"That's right you didn't think. Fish, for crying out loud." As Harry rambled on- "HEY!" Something very interesting was happening above them. A very lovely part of the story in which we find out what happened to Voldemort, where you find out a secret plan, which has to do with sneaking butterflies across the border. Also in this part of the story we'll meet Ron who will have something quite useful for Harry, a fish to be exact and-
"SHUT UP!" Screamed the entire cast. Oh, sorry, on with the scene!
* * *
"Voldemort, your highness? Just informing you that Harry has been captured." Said a duck in a squeaky voice, who after hearing of Voldemort's usual wickedness was quite nervous.
"Well, isn't that nice!" Said Voldemort in a kind gentle voice. The duck looked closely at him; he had an apron on and a fresh cupcake in his hand. "Here, this is for your hard work." The duck looked at him suspiciously. "Don't worry friend, it's safe to eat!" The duck slowly took a bite out of it, grinned happily and gobbled the rest down. "Good?"
"Oh yes your evilness."
"Please, call me Tommy."
"Okay." The duck said awkwardly. He walked out of the room and met up with the other duck recruits. "You idiots! You made me so nervous for nothing!"
Back in Voldemo- oops, sorry, Tommy's room a bunny from the brigade in Japan came to report to him.
"We have surrounded the fields, people can't help but come and pet us, all is going well."
"That's nice." Tommy said, he looked depressed.
"Is something wrong sir?"
"No, no, no, yes. I somewhat miss my old self. You know, the murdering, horrible, "crucio" saying self." Unfortunately for the bunny Tommy had a wand in his hand and he began shaking and screaming uncontrollably. "Oops! This always happens to me! What's the cure for it? Oh yes, "Avada Kedavara!" The bunny stopped shaking and screaming, and fell to the ground lifelessly. "There, that's better, I suppose. Anyway, it all happened last year, after losing to Harry for another countless time, something died in me. And no that's not why I smell so bad, that's a simple incurable foot fungus. Anyway, something died in me, and I began to question my wickedness. And so as the saying goes, "If you're bad at being bad, be good at being good." So I devoted my life to becoming good. And I became so good, that it would hurt people! It would make people jealous over me, and would make them negative, until they picked up a fight with someone and fought to the death! And I learned that being too good is bad for you! So I continued becoming better! Until it became unbearable, and everyone will do their own killing for me! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA!" Just then a duck walked in, who had been eavesdropping on Tommy's rambling.
"If you're so good, then why do you need Harry?"
"Of course my friend, he always finds a way to get out of my plans, or was it in? Nevermind, anyway, everyone knows I tried to kill him numerous times, so no one would need to be jealous, because we all know I hate him! So, no one would care if I treat him nicer, and they wouldn't be jealous over him, so they wouldn't try to fight him to the death."
"Couldn't you just act nice to him so that he will obviously suspect something, plan to defeat you, angering people who want you alive, so they kill him, getting rid of him completely, and therefore-"
"SHUT UP!"
* * *
Back in the "dungeon", Harry and Ugly Rumpus decided on a plan.
"Okay, first we need to get in contact with someone NOT in this dungeon. This will provide us with a spy and hopefully some weapons." Harry explained.
"Like a fish?" Harry raised his hand to smack the annoying Smurf, but was unable to do to the fact that he was so darn cute!
"No, not like a fish. Tell me, where do you and your smurfish friends live?"
"You mean where we did live." Mr. Rumpus said glumly. "My entire tribe killed each other, after Voldemort treated them so nice." Harry felt a wave of sympathy for the little guy, therefore suppressing his urge to eat him… for now. (Another story)
"Well, how will we get out of here then?" Harry questioned to no one in particular.
"PSS!" A voice whispered. It sounded strangely familiar. Harry went to the pink covered barred window and looked out. Ron was there!
"Ron! Why are you here?"
"Call it a bribe." He replied. Just then he smacked his head and pleaded with the narrator (Me). "PLEASE! I'm sorry! I meant to say a sudden impulse! I really did! I didn't mean to ruin your story! I really didn't! Please don't hurt me!!!" Oh don't worry Ron, I'll deal with you later.
"As if you weren't already told, we need your help. Have anything of our interest?"
"As a matter of fact, I do." He pulled out what looked like a bag from a deli. "It's a fish."
HARRY POTTER AND THE ARMY OF DUCKS!
Part III
Out of the Frying Pan and into the Fire
(Okay, I copied off of Hobbit a little)
A bit of time had passed since their escape. The fish turned out to have a high case of salmonella bacteria in it, and literally burned through the walls. They quickly escaped but not before Harry took a little troll doll with him. "It might come in handy." He told the bewildered Ron. The times had changed greatly since Harry had been in the "dungeon." He looked with outrage at the scenes of horror and corruption.
"What has happened to our little world?" Harry said. Suddenly Ugly Rumpus began singing the "It's a Small World After All" song until they thoroughly shoved him into a pixie stick tube.
"You see," Ron began, "The plan of Voldemort's you told me about has already come into effect. You may not know it but the year is actually… 2014!" Harry gasped and tears rolled down his face as he realized what had happened!
"I'm kidding, I do that to everyone I rescue. Anyway, people had shown their worst; the only way I escaped was by the fact of being liked by you, which meant I was hated by Voldemort as well. The world is a desolate place now; even Hogwarts is in ruins. You might've preferred to have stayed in your "dungeon thing." Ron said, using the finger quotations to add to the effect. "I don't know what we can do, but whatever we do we'll have to do it fast." Harry took this into his mind, Voldemort becoming good, the thin ceiling in the "dungeon" that allowed him to hear the plan, the world as it is now, and the plan they had to compose. He then did a backward flip into a pile of cow pie to add the humor element back into the story.
"What the expletive was that for?" Ron shouted aloud.
"You could say it was a … bribe." Harry then realized his words and smacked his head. The narrator (me) had an equal reaction.
"WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU! How many times must I tell you not to include me or anything about me in the story! I wish I could wring your little neck!" The narrator (me) said.
"Why don't ya' short man!" Harry said emphasizing the word "short man" with his voice. Perfectly angering me until I just flicked him off into the oblivion.
"Listen Ron, I'm replacing Harry with Melville, okay? You BETTER just forget what happened, refer to him as Melville okay? Not as Harry. If you don't I'll flick you into oblivion as well!" Ron noticeably gulped. And shook a little as Melville, a very Southern looking American with a pitch fork and straw hat in overalls was lowered onto the set.
"H-i-i-i! I-I-I'm R-r-ron!" He relaxed a little as he saw the clueless look on Melville's face. "Are you a muggle?" He asked while looking at his appearance.
"Oh no, magic man. Here, look at this!" He pulled out a deck of cards and told Ron to pick one. Ron expected him to take out a wand and shoot it with a simple "exglatorius" spell. But instead he "Remember your card number!" And had him shove it back in the deck.
"Okee, now tells me, is the card you picked from this deck?" Ron simply answered yes. Melville then started grinning stupidly and looked from side to side as if for praise. Ron interrupted his grinning.
"What next?"
"That was it." Ron then looked angrily at the sky and shouted at the narrator (me):
"COULDN'T YOU AT LEAST GIVE ME A GOOD REPLACEMENT!?" The narrator (me) then lowered his arm and put his hand in the flick position (when you hold one of your fingers against the thumb, not the middle up one) next to his head. He again gulped and then apologized. "Narrator's Pet." He mumbled under his breath.
When things couldn't look worse something added to the sum, a little voice yelling, "Help, help! I can't breathe! Ron then remembered ugly Rumpus in the pixie stick tube and quickly pulled him out. UG looked sadly upon Melville then looked at Ron.
"What happened to Harry?"
"A long story. This is Melville, the replacement for Harry."
"My God, this is looking pretty glum. I know! I'll give him this ring I found in the tube that made me act different! Maybe it will work for him, and make him like Harry!" UG then slipped out a ring with little carving on it and gave it to Melville. He immediately began to act greedy, and invisible!
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHhAHA-yal-BWAHAHAHAHHAHAhA! I feel the power rushing through my veins! I must rule this land and return to Mordor! BWAHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHEH-yal-HEHE!" And with that he summoned a black, flying horse and flew off. Ron, remembering his studies in History about the reign of Sauron asked himself: "Why did we pick the pixie stick up from a hollowed out volcano?" (Those who have read LotR will get this!)
"Oopsy, I guess we're out of the frying pan and into the fire eh?" The Smurf said. "I guess we'll have to find Harry." As they began thinking of what to do next, they were completely unaware that they were being watched by a pink flamingo, who had an obvious look of loathing for over-sized tomatoes on his face. You see three years ago when he was a happy newly wed with his wife Agnes, a group of them stormed his house! They demanded a book on phosphorescent pigtails and the spit of James Madison on their foreheads! But he refused to agree and was in a head-to-head battle with their leader! Where at the last minute he pulled out a miniature sea urchin thrower and sent him a blow! For a punishment he took his wife and forced him to eat a 4-year-old jellybean. After he was finished with his stomach disease he swore vengeance on over-sized tomatoes as long as he lived. But no one really believed him because he swore vengeance on about 5 things a day, where in the end he always just buys pie for everyone and gulps down a beaker of hamster plasma. This had been a tradition of his since he was about 5 years old, when his teacher told him flowers are supposed to be green and brown. When he ran home he tripped on a tortoise stuck in a cement cube! He first swore vengeance on this and threw it into the water. He hadn't learned at school that cement didn't float and that tortoises don't swim! He mistook it for their commonly confused relatives the turtle. But this tortoise wasn't like any other tortoise; he was a super tortoise! Why else would one be in a cement cube? Why the evil florescent chicken named Amsterdam the third of New Orleans! An evil chicken with plots for world domination but was always defeated by Super Tortoise. He placed him in the cube of course. Now you're probably thinking that he will break free and stop the chicken again. But super or not, he was still a tortoise and couldn't swim, so he sank to the bottom and died a slow miserable death. This kinda reminds me of a fable I once wrote. It goes: There once was a duck who loved monkeys very much. He loved them so much that he wished he were one! And so he began to beg and plead with the elder ducks at the zoo, asking if he could at least see the monkeys! They couldn't resist, they told him to do so at lunchtime. So when the zookeeper slipped in to give them their feed he slipped out. He began walking to the monkey palace as it was called. When he got there we gazed with wonder and anticipation. He then flew in and went to meet him. He obviously did something wrong because with one look they began pelting him with their own feces, until he was overcome and died a miserable death. The moral is: you are what you are and if you aren't you're dead! Just like the Super Tortoise eh? Anyway, the flamingo looked at them and reported all he could fit in his notebook. He ripped out the page and sped over to Voldemort's "lair" which was still pink and frilly, accompanying his evil plan, which I may remind you, corrupted the world.
After the flamingo reported everything to Tommy he began thinking aloud.
"So, Sauron's ring is in the power of Melville eh? Good, very good. If he doesn't challenge me I can become an ally with him, but who said a battle of the evils was ever bad? Hasn't happened in a while either. So Harry is gone, Ron and Ugly Rumpus plan to stop me. I want to see them try! For none can stop Vol-sorry, Tommy! I wonder what they'll do, stopping human nature will be hard, and rebuilding the economy will be even harder! We need to make sure they don't find anyone that could help them. The ones like Dumbledore, and the others everyone knew I hated. Harry included, I'm sure he's alive somehow. Cuddly Wuddey!" Tommy called; a big-eyed cute little pike entered the room singing his song.
"Cuddly Wuddey was of the pikes, Cuddly Wuddey had a skin of spikes! So Cuddly Wuddey wasn't very cuddly, wuddey?"
"Cuddly Wuddey, I want you to go out and gather a few weapons. I have plenty of bunnies, pikes, puppies and ducks to spare, but weapons are short. Also gather a group to search for Harry, he must not be found!"
HARRY POTTER AND THE ARMY OF DUCKS!
Part IV
The Savior is Saved.
(Blueberry happy tart!)
Harry was feeling horrible. The flick from the narrator and the unending kindness of him for bringing him back into the story mixed with his landing left him in a series of waves of pain. He searched around in the crater he had made for what saved him. He found a scorched looking troll doll. The hair had hardened very much when it flipped out of his pocket and went in his path. It had hardened so much that it became a little springy, the springiness of it absorbed most of the fall force, it did come in handy. He rubbed his face and looked at the surroundings. A destroyed town, probably the result of Tommy's plan. It was now bleak and barren. How he survived still was a wonder to him. He stumbled around, and began listing what he had on him. A copy of William Shatner's new book, a bottle of shampoo, and a rubber duck. He took out the shampoo and drank it thirstily, he then noticed it wasn't a bottle of butterbeer, but shampoo. He liked it anyway and drank some more. He would deal with the bleeding ulcer it would give him later. He searched himself again, hoping for a steak or something, but instead found a wand. At first he threw it off, and then noticed the value of it and lunged towards it! He shouted in happiness, he may actually survive! He then remembered how he was stuck in the "dungeon," and how useful it would've been on getting out, or killing Voldemort, and trying to protect himself from the narrator (me). He then screamed with realization, at the fact that he had it the entire time! He began hitting his head over and over shouting "STUPID STUPID STUPID!" Eventually after a few concussions and loss of consciousness, he came to his senses and realized his primary need: food. He would deal with getting back to Ron and UG later. He also had a good instinct that someone was after him, not just Voldemort though, but someone even more powerful who may make an alliance with him, he became certain and do to a contract he signed with the narrator (me) he was no longer able to reveal plots of further chapters. All this was knocked out of his mind when he concentrated on food. He decided he should make a fire first, so that when out looking he could easily return, and maybe create the image of a yellow sardine smelling monkey with maracas that will sing "Purple Haze" for him until he falls asleep. He first searched the area of the destroyed town for food, but found nothing, except a few tangerine eating smocks which he greedily shoved into his ears (???????????????).
He then decided the only way was to hunt for food. So that night he went out and began searching. He then saw something sneaking along behind him and pounced on it! It was a muskrat! Something suddenly came to him, this was a muskrat of a previous bit of fan-fic written by Talon (the narrator (me)). He began laughing at the event.
"Hehe! This is Hairy Muskrat! Wow, the exact same one from a popular Harry Potter fan-fic site! Imagine, this is what I am as a muskrat! Wow, I wonder if we have more in common! My goodness, what a riot!" That night, Harry roasted the Muskrat over an open fire and ate it. Companionship didn't matter to him yet, so he felt no guilt in eating his version of himself as a muskrat. That night he fell asleep with the monkey singing Bohemian Rhapsody instead of Purple Haze, he was still weak and Hendrix would require a bit more power. He magically increased the fire and lay down for the night. He would need to search for Ron and Ugly Rumpus tomorrow, so they could stop Voldemort from achieving the goal he still didn't know of.