September 10th
Rinoa Julie Leonhart: Sounds kind of funny i guess, but really pretty. I still like my name right now though! Heartilly... It's been a few monthes since we defeated Ultimecia and everything seems normal now. I'm happy at Garden... or I should be at least. But I'm not, I can't stand it. I don't know how I'm ever going to tell Squall or what he's going to say when muster up the courage to confess that to him. I just wish I was back home in Timber. Well it hasn't always been my home but I still love it there, much more then I like Deling City. After that man, General Caraway got elected president the resistance groups all teamed up and got Timber it's independance. I should be happy, now that everything's finally great and everyone else is happy. There's just one thing that I can't get out of my mind and it scares me so much. Seifer Almasy, my first love and boyfriend. I wonder why I can't stop thinking about him? I love Squall. I know that I love Squall no matter what, but Seifer has always been there and he let me experience something that I can't even begin to describe in words. Something I will never let go of, and that is why I keep his ring around my necklace. The ring beside Seifer's is Squall's griever ring. I never told Squall who gave me the other one. Maybe I should have...I wonder if he'll be angry?
September 17th
I've checked everywhere and I still can't find him, no matter how hard I search. I've looked everywhere, to no avail. I should probably just give up and be happy with how much I have already...A home, a boyfriend who is also my best friend and who loves me very much, sorceress powers (actually they're a mixed blessing ^__^ ), friends who are like a family to me...I wish I could be satisfied with all this, with everything around me. All I know is that I MUST find him, if I don't I will never be able to trully be myself again. I have to see him one last time, confront my fears, so that I can totally give myself to Squall. When did I start fearing him anyways? When he was under Ultimecia's spell? Or was it when I found out that he had been the one who had made the scar on Squall's face? Either way I have to do this and I have to do this soon.
September 24th
I found him but he sure was difficult to track down! He goes by a different name now, maybe he changed it because of all the things that happened in Deling and his reputation. He's still with Fujin and Raijin though and, from what I've heard, they love fishing in Balamb. I can't wait to see him tomorrow, when Squall takes me to Balamb on the Ragnarok. I finally told him, the whole story about my summer with Seifer and I was so surprised when he wasn't angry. Infact he said "I understand." Maybe he's sad because I want to see him again or he could be hiding his anger. I guess I'll have to wait a few more hours before finding out. I also told Squall about the ring, for a long time he just stared at it and then looked at me. It was kind of wierd, like he wanted to tell me something but just couldn't bring himself to say it.
September 25th
Finally, I've come to peace with him...in a way. Squall took me to see him earlier this afternoon and I found Seifer at the ports of Balamb, but he wasn't with Fujin or Raijin. He was standing there alone, wearing his usual clothes, complete with the white over- coat. It was like having a flash back, I remembered when he shoved me to Adel and also when we had to fight him at the Lunatic Pandora before he junctioned me to the evil sorceress. For a moment I didn't want to go up and tap him on the shoulder, all I wanted to do was go back to Squall and bury head into his chest and forget the whole thing ever happened. I knew that I couldn't, however, I felt like this was going to be the only time that I could do this. So I did:
"Seifer..." The former sorceress knight spun around like I had shocked him when I tapped him on the shoulder. When he saw me he reacted like I was a ghost or something.
"Nobody calls me that anymore, Rinoa."
"I know, you changed your name. That was why it was so hard for me to find you."
He shook his head.
"Look if you've came to blame me and yell at me then just go back to *him*. Don't bother because I'm not going to listen to-"
I stepped up to him and cupped my hand around his face, he placed his hand over mine and looked down at me and I held up my finger, motioning for him to let me talk.
"You know I would never do anything like that to you. I don't care what you've done, it's in the past and I forgive you."
For a long while our eyes were just locked. I suppose it was like a silent conversation... an understanding.
"You shouldn't have come here." He moved my hand from off of his face and broke the gaze to look out at the ocean.
"I have to know...that you're better now. I have to know that you've forgiven me too. Because, Seifer, I still care about you and I always will. No matter what happens. I'll be here..."
I guess I surprised him again because he gave me a familiar smirk and his eyes danced.
"What did you ever do to me?" I looked down and held the two rings on my necklace. He got my point and was silent for a while, then he placed his arm over my shoulder and pulled me in for a long tight hug. That was when my tears came, all the tears that never came when I thought that he had been executed, that was when I had been shocked, when I had realized that he had fallen for the sorceress and we were no more...
And while I was crying, he held me close to him and comforted me. After what seemed like hours, but was probably only minutes I managed to pull away.
"I'm not scared of you anymore." I whispered in his ear as I let go of him.
"You know I'm okay now. We're both alright now. You have no reason to fear me anymore."
I nodded and smiled at him, something which I had not done for a long time, smiled at my first love.
"Thank you." He looked at me for another long moment again.
"You're welcome." I came to a realization and an understanding this afternoon. I finally made peace with myself and my heart. Now Squall and I can both move on and I can be whole once more.
January 1st 2019
I don't mind Garden that much anymore, infact with the help of Selphie, who aided me in re-decorating my dorm room, I've come to like it. You see, I used to be haunted by the past and whenever I walked down that halls I always used to see *his* face. I used to always hear *his* familiar laughter and it made me feel insecure here, at Garden. It made me feel like I was trapped and I was scared. These days I'm alot happier and I've come to terms with what happened back then, even my friends have noticed my mood change and told me about it. Seifer came here for Christmas, I think that my friends still don't understand him and are still angry, they have every right to be. But seeing him made me feel like...I was free. When I saw him and I wasn't frightened, I felt complete. I think that Squall also understands him though, even if it is only partially, it's great that he's forgiven him also. Seifer and I hung out a for a little while he was here, and once Squall even joined us, which was great. Squall and I exchanged gifts at Christmas, he gave me a really pretty pair of white-gold earings with tiny little jewels in them. I got him a new Gunblade case with a cute little inscription on the inside. But it was what he gave me earlier this evening that was the best part : a diamond engagement ring with angel wings and griever engraved into the inside part of the ring. Of course we won't get married for a long time still, probably not for another few years. I love him so much, in a different way that I love Seifer, because I love Seifer as just a friend, a close companion, but Squall's my soulmate *and* my best friend.
- Rinoa Julie Leonhart -
~* Fin *~