Title: Reconnecting II - A Letter From Xander 1/1
Author: Saturn Girl
Email: saturngirl9@hotmail.com
Spoilers: Fifth season, through "The Gift"
Pairing: F/X (mentions X/Anya)
Rating: PG
Summary: Sequel to my story "Reconnecting" - Xander replies to Faith's letter.
Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel don't belong to me. I'm just borrowing them for a few minutes, that's all. Feedback is welcome, but keep in mind I'm still pretty new at this.
P.S. Thanks to the people who wrote me with positive feedback and asked for a follow up to my original story - I'm happy to oblige!
*****
Dear Faith,
Wow.
The word "surprised" does not even BEGIN to describe how I felt when I received your letter. Freaked out, petrified, ticked off, confused...those things all come to mind, too. I sat and stared at the envelope (BTW - nice prison logo stationery) but I couldn't bring myself to open it for a few days. I guess I was as gutless about wanting to read the letter as you were to write it.
I couldn't understand why you'd want to write to me, of all people. See, want, take, forget...isn't that what you told me? Then I got pissed, because I figured you'd heard about Buffy's death and you wanted to rub salt in my wounds. I almost threw it out, but I can't stand mysteries. I always have to know what's going on, or it'll gnaw at me forever.
So I read it. Yep, master of the obvious, that's me.
I'm not sure what I want to say to you. Should I tell you about my nightmares about that night? Lemme tell ya, I've got some doozies. Some I was too scared, too ashamed to tell anyone about, even Willow.
Actually, I've never really talked to anyone about you. My feelings about you are all so jumbled up, I don't understand them myself, so I don't know how I could ever explain them to Anya or Willow. Buffy might have understood. She knew what it was like to have a hot n' cold relationship with you. And Giles...well, he doesn't take much that I say very seriously. Correction, he doesn't take ANYTHING I say seriously.
What you did to me really hurt. Not just the "choking the life out of me" thing - oh, thanks for the lovely bruises, I had a great time trying to explain those to the guidance counselor at school. I mean the betraying my trust part, and not considering me a friend. When I said I thought we had a connection, I really did...and not just because of the slam-bam-thank-you-Xander incident.
How do I explain our connection? I'll sound pathetic no matter how I phrase it, so I'll just go for the truth. When I first met you, I was in awe of you. You were so fearless, so wild, so brave. Everything I wasn't. I was really attracted to you. I know, I was a 17-year-old guy; I pretty much liked anything with a bumpy chest. But you were like a famous rock star, and I was an adoring groupie. You were so totally out of my league.
Then I saw aspects of you that made me realize that you were a lot more vulnerable than I thought, and I became even more intrigued. Like how you were always a bit of an outsider, hovering on the fringe of the Scooby sub-culture. You seemed almost shy sometimes, like you felt you didn't deserve to be there. How the heck do you think I feel? Everyone else had some cool secret power to let them into the club - witch, werewolf, vampire, Slayer. I'm just the donut boy. Yeah, vamps really fear me when I face them with my wicked blueberry fritter.
I also noticed that you didn't like to talk about your personal life. When we'd all hang out, I recognized the pain in your eyes whenever the conversation would drift towards family stuff. Unfortunately, I could really relate to that. It was like looking in a mirror. I think we both know that sometimes things that happen behind closed doors are much worse than the supernatural creatures we fought outside every night.
It was a pretty scary time for me back then. Cordy dumped me, and I felt like I was the biggest loser on the planet. I think having Cordy tell me I was a loser every day probably contributed to that perception. Except for you, all my friends were getting ready to go off to college. They had so many wonderful opportunities. They were all going forth to seize their destinies.
I was destined for nothing. Hello, world of name tags and hair nets, I'm ready to take your order now. High school wasn't over yet, but I already felt so incredibly alone.
The night you invited me into your bed (well, invited sounds too polite...as I recall, you threw me down and jumped on me) I hoped maybe you needed someone as much as I did. I know. Cling much?
Sex was scarier than I thought it would be. I didn't think it was possible to feel more naked than I already was. It happened so fast - but I'm quite positive it was longer than seven minutes. In those moments, I couldn't take my eyes off of you. Yes, Faith, you were beautiful. I was so happy that you shared a side of yourself that none of the others would see, and that you wanted to be with me. Maybe I wasn't such a loser, if someone as exciting as you wanted me.
That bliss didn't last long. Jeez, couldn't you have waited for me to put my clothes back on before you tossed me out? It was cold that night!
So, maybe it wasn't the love connection I was hoping for. I still thought we were friends, at least. I cared about you. I knew how messed up you were after the...accident...and all I wanted to do was help. I wanted you to see that you weren't alone, that you didn't have to deal with something so traumatic all by yourself. When you laughed in my face, called me your boy toy, told me I was someone to forget, it cut me to the bone. It almost hurt worse than, well, I hope you don't mind if I don't talk about what happened next. I don't like to remember.
All of a sudden, you weren't one of us anymore. Believe it or not, I think I understand why you took up with Mayor McSnake. He treated you like a daughter, didn't he? Were you hoping you could start over with a new family, so you wouldn't have to remember your real one? I wish you had given all of us more of a chance before you wrote us off, Faith. The Scoobies could have become your new family...I know, because in my heart, they have replaced mine.
When you got hurt, I didn't cheer about it. It wasn't like all the other times Buffy defeated the Special Guest Villain of the Week. Seeing you in that hospital bed, badly beaten, almost no chance of ever waking up, it really gave me the chills. It brought up all my fears about my friends leaving me behind. Being alone and forgotten forever - that would be my worst nightmare. I couldn't let you suffer that fate. No one deserves that.
I'd visit you as often as I could, but I never told anyone. I didn't think the girls would understand. I'd watch you for hours sometimes. I'd talk to you and read to you, wondering if you knew I was there. You looked so innocent, so pretty, like you were asleep but could wake up any moment. I would fantasize that you'd come out of your coma with amnesia - no, I don't watch "Passions," really, I don't! Okay, maybe once or twice with Spike, and only because he forced me to.
Anyway, in my dream, Amnesia Faith would be freed from all her horrible memories, and we would start over. "Hi, I'm Xander! Nice to meet you. Would you like to go out for a double mocha?" Pretty dorky, huh? Well, that's me. We never had a real date, just the sex part. I wish I had asked you out. I wish you had said "yes." I really wish it hadn't played out like it did. Like you wrote in your letter, now we'll never know.
Buffy filled me in about what went down in L.A. before your arrest. As much as I hate to write this, I'm glad Dead Boy was able to help you find the peace you needed...I just wish it had been me. Please tell me that you kicked his ass first, right? God, when will I stop being jealous of that guy? What is it with him and Slayers?
Anyway, I can't forget what happened, Faith, but I want you to know that I don't hate you. I wanted to hate you sometimes, but I never could. It was hard to trust people after knowing you. It took a long time for me to be able to relax around Anya. I kept expecting her to tell me our whole relationship was a joke, that she was just using me. I kept waiting for her to hurt me.
You don't know Anya. The woman is absolutely relentless. She never gave up on me, especially in bed. After over a thousand years of celibacy, she's really trying to make up for lost time. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to survive the experience, but at least I'll die with a really big smile on my face.
I finally took that last step, and dared to love her. Anya wound her way into my heart, and now we're getting married. Willow isn't too thrilled about it, but I'll deal with that. Letting myself love Anya was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I realized that if I ever wanted to be truly happy, I had to be willing to accept the risk. No pain, no gain, right?
I hope one day you have the courage to take that risk, Faith. No one should ever feel alone. Don't ever be afraid to let people see how beautiful you really are.
Well, my hand is really starting to cramp, so I'm going to sign off now. One of the downsides of not having super-slayer stamina, I guess. I'm not very good at correspondence, just ask Grandma Harriet, but if you want to write to me once in awhile, I promise to respond.
Your friend,
Xander
P.S. If you see my cousin Gretchen in The Big House, say "hi" for me. She's doing 2-4 years for theft, check forgery and credit card fraud. Uncle Rory also sends his love.
Author: Saturn Girl
Email: saturngirl9@hotmail.com
Spoilers: Fifth season, through "The Gift"
Pairing: F/X (mentions X/Anya)
Rating: PG
Summary: Sequel to my story "Reconnecting" - Xander replies to Faith's letter.
Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel don't belong to me. I'm just borrowing them for a few minutes, that's all. Feedback is welcome, but keep in mind I'm still pretty new at this.
P.S. Thanks to the people who wrote me with positive feedback and asked for a follow up to my original story - I'm happy to oblige!
*****
Dear Faith,
Wow.
The word "surprised" does not even BEGIN to describe how I felt when I received your letter. Freaked out, petrified, ticked off, confused...those things all come to mind, too. I sat and stared at the envelope (BTW - nice prison logo stationery) but I couldn't bring myself to open it for a few days. I guess I was as gutless about wanting to read the letter as you were to write it.
I couldn't understand why you'd want to write to me, of all people. See, want, take, forget...isn't that what you told me? Then I got pissed, because I figured you'd heard about Buffy's death and you wanted to rub salt in my wounds. I almost threw it out, but I can't stand mysteries. I always have to know what's going on, or it'll gnaw at me forever.
So I read it. Yep, master of the obvious, that's me.
I'm not sure what I want to say to you. Should I tell you about my nightmares about that night? Lemme tell ya, I've got some doozies. Some I was too scared, too ashamed to tell anyone about, even Willow.
Actually, I've never really talked to anyone about you. My feelings about you are all so jumbled up, I don't understand them myself, so I don't know how I could ever explain them to Anya or Willow. Buffy might have understood. She knew what it was like to have a hot n' cold relationship with you. And Giles...well, he doesn't take much that I say very seriously. Correction, he doesn't take ANYTHING I say seriously.
What you did to me really hurt. Not just the "choking the life out of me" thing - oh, thanks for the lovely bruises, I had a great time trying to explain those to the guidance counselor at school. I mean the betraying my trust part, and not considering me a friend. When I said I thought we had a connection, I really did...and not just because of the slam-bam-thank-you-Xander incident.
How do I explain our connection? I'll sound pathetic no matter how I phrase it, so I'll just go for the truth. When I first met you, I was in awe of you. You were so fearless, so wild, so brave. Everything I wasn't. I was really attracted to you. I know, I was a 17-year-old guy; I pretty much liked anything with a bumpy chest. But you were like a famous rock star, and I was an adoring groupie. You were so totally out of my league.
Then I saw aspects of you that made me realize that you were a lot more vulnerable than I thought, and I became even more intrigued. Like how you were always a bit of an outsider, hovering on the fringe of the Scooby sub-culture. You seemed almost shy sometimes, like you felt you didn't deserve to be there. How the heck do you think I feel? Everyone else had some cool secret power to let them into the club - witch, werewolf, vampire, Slayer. I'm just the donut boy. Yeah, vamps really fear me when I face them with my wicked blueberry fritter.
I also noticed that you didn't like to talk about your personal life. When we'd all hang out, I recognized the pain in your eyes whenever the conversation would drift towards family stuff. Unfortunately, I could really relate to that. It was like looking in a mirror. I think we both know that sometimes things that happen behind closed doors are much worse than the supernatural creatures we fought outside every night.
It was a pretty scary time for me back then. Cordy dumped me, and I felt like I was the biggest loser on the planet. I think having Cordy tell me I was a loser every day probably contributed to that perception. Except for you, all my friends were getting ready to go off to college. They had so many wonderful opportunities. They were all going forth to seize their destinies.
I was destined for nothing. Hello, world of name tags and hair nets, I'm ready to take your order now. High school wasn't over yet, but I already felt so incredibly alone.
The night you invited me into your bed (well, invited sounds too polite...as I recall, you threw me down and jumped on me) I hoped maybe you needed someone as much as I did. I know. Cling much?
Sex was scarier than I thought it would be. I didn't think it was possible to feel more naked than I already was. It happened so fast - but I'm quite positive it was longer than seven minutes. In those moments, I couldn't take my eyes off of you. Yes, Faith, you were beautiful. I was so happy that you shared a side of yourself that none of the others would see, and that you wanted to be with me. Maybe I wasn't such a loser, if someone as exciting as you wanted me.
That bliss didn't last long. Jeez, couldn't you have waited for me to put my clothes back on before you tossed me out? It was cold that night!
So, maybe it wasn't the love connection I was hoping for. I still thought we were friends, at least. I cared about you. I knew how messed up you were after the...accident...and all I wanted to do was help. I wanted you to see that you weren't alone, that you didn't have to deal with something so traumatic all by yourself. When you laughed in my face, called me your boy toy, told me I was someone to forget, it cut me to the bone. It almost hurt worse than, well, I hope you don't mind if I don't talk about what happened next. I don't like to remember.
All of a sudden, you weren't one of us anymore. Believe it or not, I think I understand why you took up with Mayor McSnake. He treated you like a daughter, didn't he? Were you hoping you could start over with a new family, so you wouldn't have to remember your real one? I wish you had given all of us more of a chance before you wrote us off, Faith. The Scoobies could have become your new family...I know, because in my heart, they have replaced mine.
When you got hurt, I didn't cheer about it. It wasn't like all the other times Buffy defeated the Special Guest Villain of the Week. Seeing you in that hospital bed, badly beaten, almost no chance of ever waking up, it really gave me the chills. It brought up all my fears about my friends leaving me behind. Being alone and forgotten forever - that would be my worst nightmare. I couldn't let you suffer that fate. No one deserves that.
I'd visit you as often as I could, but I never told anyone. I didn't think the girls would understand. I'd watch you for hours sometimes. I'd talk to you and read to you, wondering if you knew I was there. You looked so innocent, so pretty, like you were asleep but could wake up any moment. I would fantasize that you'd come out of your coma with amnesia - no, I don't watch "Passions," really, I don't! Okay, maybe once or twice with Spike, and only because he forced me to.
Anyway, in my dream, Amnesia Faith would be freed from all her horrible memories, and we would start over. "Hi, I'm Xander! Nice to meet you. Would you like to go out for a double mocha?" Pretty dorky, huh? Well, that's me. We never had a real date, just the sex part. I wish I had asked you out. I wish you had said "yes." I really wish it hadn't played out like it did. Like you wrote in your letter, now we'll never know.
Buffy filled me in about what went down in L.A. before your arrest. As much as I hate to write this, I'm glad Dead Boy was able to help you find the peace you needed...I just wish it had been me. Please tell me that you kicked his ass first, right? God, when will I stop being jealous of that guy? What is it with him and Slayers?
Anyway, I can't forget what happened, Faith, but I want you to know that I don't hate you. I wanted to hate you sometimes, but I never could. It was hard to trust people after knowing you. It took a long time for me to be able to relax around Anya. I kept expecting her to tell me our whole relationship was a joke, that she was just using me. I kept waiting for her to hurt me.
You don't know Anya. The woman is absolutely relentless. She never gave up on me, especially in bed. After over a thousand years of celibacy, she's really trying to make up for lost time. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to survive the experience, but at least I'll die with a really big smile on my face.
I finally took that last step, and dared to love her. Anya wound her way into my heart, and now we're getting married. Willow isn't too thrilled about it, but I'll deal with that. Letting myself love Anya was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I realized that if I ever wanted to be truly happy, I had to be willing to accept the risk. No pain, no gain, right?
I hope one day you have the courage to take that risk, Faith. No one should ever feel alone. Don't ever be afraid to let people see how beautiful you really are.
Well, my hand is really starting to cramp, so I'm going to sign off now. One of the downsides of not having super-slayer stamina, I guess. I'm not very good at correspondence, just ask Grandma Harriet, but if you want to write to me once in awhile, I promise to respond.
Your friend,
Xander
P.S. If you see my cousin Gretchen in The Big House, say "hi" for me. She's doing 2-4 years for theft, check forgery and credit card fraud. Uncle Rory also sends his love.