Alone Again
That whip. That horrid, disgusting idea of slavery, branded in my mind. Is it shocking that a fellow seishi does this to me? Perhaps…
I am in one of my slightly saner moods now. Don't ask me why, because I get angry just thinking about the Suzaku seishi, and my nightmare, Nakago.
It all started when I was about 17, I think. I was very happy. I had a fiancée, interestingly, and was starting to run the family business. Also, they found out that I was a Seiryuu seishi, a position of honour and glory. Doesn't quite seem like that now… My life was progressing quite well, then that fateful night came.
I was walking in the garden, when suddenly, I saw a terrible beast. It had shaggy long fur and long fangs. The worst part was the fact that it stood on its hind legs, like a man. With a growl, it pounced forward and pushed me to the ground. The next few moments were the start of the most painful moments in my life. The pain was unbearable, the fangs sinking into my chest. Weird, isn't it? Now I have become that monster, afraid of a man, only because my mind, my instinct refuses to kill him. I wonder why.
The villagers were afraid of me. Even though I changed back into a man in the day, each and every night I would turn into a hideous creature. I could not remember what I did, but reports of deaths; obvious murders came in every day. People were mutilated, hurt, killed. I was so afraid. Then one morning, I did not change back to human form. The second the others saw me, they brought out their sticks, and axes, and scythes, hit me, slashed me, hurt me. Some stood at a distance and threw stones at me. The pain of humiliation and realization triggered the werewolf instinct. I cannot remember what happened, but I think I killed someone. The people I once knew, once interacted with… they tried to kill me. But a traveling circus passed our village, and took interest in me at once. My friends sold me.
I was chained in a cage, filled with dirty straw. They didn't seem to understand that I was still human, just that I had been infected with this horrible disease. I was whipped constantly. And then, the werewolf began to take over my mind. Slowly, tempting, persuading… it would be so easy to kill them all, so right. They should pay for what they were doing to me. Eventually, the instinct filled my mind. It flooded it, canceling out all normal human sympathy, my conscience… Only at moments like this, when it clears for a while, do I really get to think properly. But I became an animal, aggressive and to be loathed, insane, and disgustingly human.
I remember the first time I saw Nakago. Those two blue, cold eyes, chilling me, ceasing my growling, freezing my movement. How frightening…
He was no better than the others. But then, I was not in control of myself. But the worst thing was: He knew.
He knew that inside of me, there was still a grain of sanity, pleading to be let out… and he laughed. He told me that I was easier to manage if I didn't have a mind of my own… so why should he help me? Then my world truly collapsed around me. Every thought, every dream, every person I saw, all changed into him. I hoped to be allowed to kill him, maul him, claw that sardonic smile off his face, and see him afraid…
And here I am, chained away, his slave. If only I could get free… I see his shadow passing the tent… is he coming in? No… and I am left alone, weak and with my sanity vanishing rapidly, alone again.