Rufus' New Car
A Final Fantasy VII Story
Written by: R. Keith Sewell / Cap Cid Highwind
[ The scene opens in Rufus' office at Junon. Rufus is seated at his
desk, looking at "Cool Hair Flipping Techniques Magazine", and drinking
a cup of very creamy and sugary coffee...]
Rufus: Mmm...coffeeless coffee. Ah, so if I tuck my index finger back
slightly and extend my pinky, THEN flip... I'll come off with much more
bounce to my hair flip. I love this magazine. Heh, heh, heh.
Heidegger: President Rufus, sir!!
Rufus: ...What is it now, Heidegger? Can you not see that I am busy?
Heidegger: But, sir! Rhodium WEAPON is approaching Junon!
Rufus: Are you, to put it bluntly, an idiot?
Heidegger: Only if you say so and I'm in a good mood! But, what of the
WEAPON!?
Rufus: What do you think, Whiz Kid? Fire the stupid cannon. [Hair flip]
Heidegger: WOAH!? Very nice FLIP, sir! I almost messed my pants!
Rufus: Just do it!
Heidegger: SIR! [Runs away]
[Meanwhile, in a building somewhere in Junon...]
Tifa: ....and that's how babies are made.
Cid: So, you get it now?
Cloud: I-I think so. Gee, I wish someone had told me all this sooner!
Barret: Foo'! We tell you 'bout once a week! Damn idjit!
[Suddenly, the cannon fired and the eye of the WEAPON flew through
the
building's window]
Cloud: Whhaaa!? Hey....STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!
Cid: Shaddap, it's clearly looking up Tifa's skirt.
Barret: No, foo'. 'Dat's you.
Tifa: CID! Take that mirror OFF your shoe and stop that!
Cid: Dammit, Barret! You messed up my groove.
Barret: She'd have noticed the damn full length mirror tied to your
boot sooner or later anyway!
[Back in Rufus' office...]
Rufus: My car!?
Reeve: Yes, sir. Rhodium WEAPONS claw landed right on it. It's totaled.
Rufus: How unfortunate. Reeve, it's time to go car shopping.
Reeve: Well, you're in luck. The Midgar Car Show is set up. We can go
see what they have.
Rufus: Very good. We'll borrow Domino's car to get to Midgar.
Reeve: Uh...sir, do we have to!?
Rufus: I'm afraid so.
Reeve: But, his car is sooooo dorky. And it has that really embarrasing
decal on it...
Rufus: Nevermind. Let's just go...
[Back on the streets of Junon...]
Cid: Yeah, and next time I'm not gonna zip up before I tuck in.
Barret: Okay, please stop sharin' you ol' *%&#!
Cloud: I remember the time I got my ear stuck in the blades of a can
opener!
Tifa: How did that happen?
Cloud: Well, Cid told me that it'd feel real good, and I had just
finished licking the beaters after Cait Sith finished baking his cake,
so I was drunk on sugar power. Then the Spice Boys came in and sang
one of their really annoying songs and I saw Bob Odenkirk run naked
past my mother in a very emotional dream. And the scary thing is, I
don't even KNOW anyone by that name. Anyway, that's when Joe The
Giant Wood Elf came and decided to play some POP-O-MATIC Trouble....
Tifa: FORGET I ASKED!!
Cloud: You asked me something? Oh, speaking of paper towel
absorbancy..
Cid: Look! A poster. It says, "Midgar Car Show. Come look at our wide
selection of cars!"
Barret: We could use a good land vehicle! We could call it, "Da' Pimp
Wagon!"
Cid: Let's get a station wagon!
Barret: No! We ain't gonna be buyin' no "grocery-getter!"
[Suddenly, Rufus and Reeve drive by in a small, beat up car with a large
decal that reads, "The Ass-Mobile!", on the hood]
Tifa: ...Strange.
Cid: That is seriously (*#@_ed up!
[Hours later, in Midgar, Rufus climbs from the "Ass-mobile" and strolls
down a red carpet, escorted by Elena and Scarlet, his normal outfit now
replaced with a white, sequin version. Photographers take photographs
and the crowd "Ooo's" and "Ahhs" every few seconds. As soon as
Rufus enters the car tent, he is back in his normal clothes and Reeve is
standing beside him instead of the ladies.]
Reeve: Uh.....
Rufus: I must make a grand entrance, you see.
Reeve: ...Riiiiiight...
Salesman Jon: Hey! Customers! Ooooo, the President! [Adjusts his toupe
and straightens his wool jacket]
Reeve: Oh-no...Jon!
Salesman Jon: Hey! REEVE! You look good! So, what can I do for you
two NUTZ today!?
Reeve: Please...don't call me NUTZ...
Salesman Jon: Oh, sorry NUTZ! HWA HWA HWA HWA!!!
Rufus: Can I just buy a car and leave?
Domino: [Runs in] My car! You guys STOLE my car!!!
Reeve: I thought we were borrowing it...
Rufus: We did. I just neglected to tell Domino.
Domino: ..And why did you lock Hart up in the trunk!?
Reeve: Sir!? What were you thinking!?
Rufus: That I don't like you or he.
[Meanwhile, outside...]
Barret: You got it?
Cid: Yeah. It's all set. Just light the fuse.
Cloud: Psssst, Tifa. Tell me again why Barret and Cid are stuffing
dynamite into the tailpipe of the "Ass-mobile"?
Tifa: Because, they think it'll be fun to blow Rufus' car up.
Cloud: Oh. But, uh, isn't that Mayor Domino's car? Look at the licence
plate!
Tifa: What!? It says... "MayrDom1"...uh oh.
Domino: [Storms out of the tent and hops in his car] Bastards!
Cid: Light it!
Barret: Lit! [Runs away]
Domino: I'll get them later... [Drives off down the road]
Cid: 3....2....1.......
*******KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!*******
[Moments later, Rufus drives out of the tent in a big white car full of
nude women and a hot tub in the trunk, which Reeve is enjoying]
Rufus: This is much better. [Blows the horn and tears off down the road,
sending a string of nude women strewn down the roadway, and Reeve
soon in an empty hot tub]
Cloud: I want a car that can fly.
Cid: A plane, you mean?
Cloud: Pffft. No. A flying CAR.
Barret: You a damn fool.
Cloud: KISS ME!!!
Barret: AUGH!! MY GIBLETS ARE STIRRING, BUT WITH FEAR!!
Cid: Ewwwwww....
Tifa: Giblets...hhhheeeee heeeeeeee
Rufus drove off into the night, the hollow cry of, "Mako Girl Love",
blaring from the cars speakers as he flipped his hair back. Women
everywhere swooned and pass out. Rufus crashed into a tree. Rufus lived.
Reeve died, but decided it sucks being dead and revived, only to die
for good at the hands of a very angry Domino. Domino was arrested, but
later releasedafter singing show tunes all night in the prison shower.
Cloud was later diagnosed with gas build-up problems that lead to the
asphixiation of his brian. Cid wrote a love letter to a woman and was
rejected, he then spent the rest of his days eating ice cream and
watching Soap Operas and the Lifetime network. Mr. T killed Barret in a
grand battle for ripping him off. Tifa left the RPG world to become
Demi Moore, later starring in STRIPTEASE. Hart got better and became
a Don King impersonator. No one cared though. And they never will.
THE
END
Most Characters Copyright Squarsoft 1997
A Final Fantasy VII Story
Written by: R. Keith Sewell / Cap Cid Highwind
[ The scene opens in Rufus' office at Junon. Rufus is seated at his
desk, looking at "Cool Hair Flipping Techniques Magazine", and drinking
a cup of very creamy and sugary coffee...]
Rufus: Mmm...coffeeless coffee. Ah, so if I tuck my index finger back
slightly and extend my pinky, THEN flip... I'll come off with much more
bounce to my hair flip. I love this magazine. Heh, heh, heh.
Heidegger: President Rufus, sir!!
Rufus: ...What is it now, Heidegger? Can you not see that I am busy?
Heidegger: But, sir! Rhodium WEAPON is approaching Junon!
Rufus: Are you, to put it bluntly, an idiot?
Heidegger: Only if you say so and I'm in a good mood! But, what of the
WEAPON!?
Rufus: What do you think, Whiz Kid? Fire the stupid cannon. [Hair flip]
Heidegger: WOAH!? Very nice FLIP, sir! I almost messed my pants!
Rufus: Just do it!
Heidegger: SIR! [Runs away]
[Meanwhile, in a building somewhere in Junon...]
Tifa: ....and that's how babies are made.
Cid: So, you get it now?
Cloud: I-I think so. Gee, I wish someone had told me all this sooner!
Barret: Foo'! We tell you 'bout once a week! Damn idjit!
[Suddenly, the cannon fired and the eye of the WEAPON flew through
the
building's window]
Cloud: Whhaaa!? Hey....STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!
Cid: Shaddap, it's clearly looking up Tifa's skirt.
Barret: No, foo'. 'Dat's you.
Tifa: CID! Take that mirror OFF your shoe and stop that!
Cid: Dammit, Barret! You messed up my groove.
Barret: She'd have noticed the damn full length mirror tied to your
boot sooner or later anyway!
[Back in Rufus' office...]
Rufus: My car!?
Reeve: Yes, sir. Rhodium WEAPONS claw landed right on it. It's totaled.
Rufus: How unfortunate. Reeve, it's time to go car shopping.
Reeve: Well, you're in luck. The Midgar Car Show is set up. We can go
see what they have.
Rufus: Very good. We'll borrow Domino's car to get to Midgar.
Reeve: Uh...sir, do we have to!?
Rufus: I'm afraid so.
Reeve: But, his car is sooooo dorky. And it has that really embarrasing
decal on it...
Rufus: Nevermind. Let's just go...
[Back on the streets of Junon...]
Cid: Yeah, and next time I'm not gonna zip up before I tuck in.
Barret: Okay, please stop sharin' you ol' *%&#!
Cloud: I remember the time I got my ear stuck in the blades of a can
opener!
Tifa: How did that happen?
Cloud: Well, Cid told me that it'd feel real good, and I had just
finished licking the beaters after Cait Sith finished baking his cake,
so I was drunk on sugar power. Then the Spice Boys came in and sang
one of their really annoying songs and I saw Bob Odenkirk run naked
past my mother in a very emotional dream. And the scary thing is, I
don't even KNOW anyone by that name. Anyway, that's when Joe The
Giant Wood Elf came and decided to play some POP-O-MATIC Trouble....
Tifa: FORGET I ASKED!!
Cloud: You asked me something? Oh, speaking of paper towel
absorbancy..
Cid: Look! A poster. It says, "Midgar Car Show. Come look at our wide
selection of cars!"
Barret: We could use a good land vehicle! We could call it, "Da' Pimp
Wagon!"
Cid: Let's get a station wagon!
Barret: No! We ain't gonna be buyin' no "grocery-getter!"
[Suddenly, Rufus and Reeve drive by in a small, beat up car with a large
decal that reads, "The Ass-Mobile!", on the hood]
Tifa: ...Strange.
Cid: That is seriously (*#@_ed up!
[Hours later, in Midgar, Rufus climbs from the "Ass-mobile" and strolls
down a red carpet, escorted by Elena and Scarlet, his normal outfit now
replaced with a white, sequin version. Photographers take photographs
and the crowd "Ooo's" and "Ahhs" every few seconds. As soon as
Rufus enters the car tent, he is back in his normal clothes and Reeve is
standing beside him instead of the ladies.]
Reeve: Uh.....
Rufus: I must make a grand entrance, you see.
Reeve: ...Riiiiiight...
Salesman Jon: Hey! Customers! Ooooo, the President! [Adjusts his toupe
and straightens his wool jacket]
Reeve: Oh-no...Jon!
Salesman Jon: Hey! REEVE! You look good! So, what can I do for you
two NUTZ today!?
Reeve: Please...don't call me NUTZ...
Salesman Jon: Oh, sorry NUTZ! HWA HWA HWA HWA!!!
Rufus: Can I just buy a car and leave?
Domino: [Runs in] My car! You guys STOLE my car!!!
Reeve: I thought we were borrowing it...
Rufus: We did. I just neglected to tell Domino.
Domino: ..And why did you lock Hart up in the trunk!?
Reeve: Sir!? What were you thinking!?
Rufus: That I don't like you or he.
[Meanwhile, outside...]
Barret: You got it?
Cid: Yeah. It's all set. Just light the fuse.
Cloud: Psssst, Tifa. Tell me again why Barret and Cid are stuffing
dynamite into the tailpipe of the "Ass-mobile"?
Tifa: Because, they think it'll be fun to blow Rufus' car up.
Cloud: Oh. But, uh, isn't that Mayor Domino's car? Look at the licence
plate!
Tifa: What!? It says... "MayrDom1"...uh oh.
Domino: [Storms out of the tent and hops in his car] Bastards!
Cid: Light it!
Barret: Lit! [Runs away]
Domino: I'll get them later... [Drives off down the road]
Cid: 3....2....1.......
*******KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!*******
[Moments later, Rufus drives out of the tent in a big white car full of
nude women and a hot tub in the trunk, which Reeve is enjoying]
Rufus: This is much better. [Blows the horn and tears off down the road,
sending a string of nude women strewn down the roadway, and Reeve
soon in an empty hot tub]
Cloud: I want a car that can fly.
Cid: A plane, you mean?
Cloud: Pffft. No. A flying CAR.
Barret: You a damn fool.
Cloud: KISS ME!!!
Barret: AUGH!! MY GIBLETS ARE STIRRING, BUT WITH FEAR!!
Cid: Ewwwwww....
Tifa: Giblets...hhhheeeee heeeeeeee
Rufus drove off into the night, the hollow cry of, "Mako Girl Love",
blaring from the cars speakers as he flipped his hair back. Women
everywhere swooned and pass out. Rufus crashed into a tree. Rufus lived.
Reeve died, but decided it sucks being dead and revived, only to die
for good at the hands of a very angry Domino. Domino was arrested, but
later releasedafter singing show tunes all night in the prison shower.
Cloud was later diagnosed with gas build-up problems that lead to the
asphixiation of his brian. Cid wrote a love letter to a woman and was
rejected, he then spent the rest of his days eating ice cream and
watching Soap Operas and the Lifetime network. Mr. T killed Barret in a
grand battle for ripping him off. Tifa left the RPG world to become
Demi Moore, later starring in STRIPTEASE. Hart got better and became
a Don King impersonator. No one cared though. And they never will.
THE
END
Most Characters Copyright Squarsoft 1997