"You're so damn pretty, if I had a type then baby it would be you."
"That's probably the worst line of lyrics I've ever heard."
"What about, damn you's a sexy bitch, you's a sexy bitch, damn you's a sexy bitch, damn girl?"
"I take that back, that is definitely the worst line I have ever heard in a song."
"It's deplorable, what kind of person uses the word bitch to refer to women anyways?"
"I don't know," said the man to his friend, "'cause tonight I'm lovin' you."
"That is a great song isn't it?"
"Yeah, that one line is dumb but the rest of it is okay. I think I might like I Like It more."
"Oh hey look at that bitch behind you, damn!"
"What?"
"Watch me reel her in. Um excuse me, Miss?"
"Uhh, what's up?" asked the woman.
"I think we went to college together."
"I don't think so," she gave him a suspicious look, "I just started going to college."
"Wait, how old are you?" asked the man.
"I'm eighteen."
"Oh, oh, wow. You see I thought, I mean I thought that, that um…so-sorry about that, I'll just be going now. What's your name by the way?"
"Sakaki."
"I see, well goodbye."
The man walked back to his friend.
"You really 'reeled her in' didn't you?"
"She's the tallest Asian person I've ever seen."
"Didn't you meet Yao Ming?"
"Yeah but, but, but umm, okay so she's the second tallest Asian I've ever seen. Oh hey look at her, she's just as tall as the last one. Watch in action with this sexy bitch."
The man watched his friend walk up to another woman. What is up with him today? He isn't usually such a…what's the word?
"Hey, hey, I think we went to college together."
"What makes you think that?" asked the woman.
"Oh come on, don't you remember that I was part of an exchange program? I spent a year studying abroad?"
"Oh," said Minamo, "I remember you now. How have you been?"
"I've been great, you wanna grab so lunch, maybe catch up a bit? Say we meet up here at two o'clock or so?"
"Um sure," said Minamo, "see you then."
The man watched Minamo walk away waving goodbye.
"Did you see that?" the man asked his friend, "that bitch was all over me."
"What?"
"I mean damn did you see her? I'm havin' fun…maybe."
"Whatever," said his friend as they walked away, "what's with this sudden change in speech pattern anyways?"
"Man, I have no idea what it is you are talkin' about. I mean sure, I might not have got any of these bitches to drip all over me yet, but hell, I'm gonna get them to."
"What are you talking about? You're an English major!"
"That's exactly why I'm trying to say things differently! What kind of woman is interested in someone because they're an English major? How can I expect to impress women if I don't make myself sound more appetizing?"
"Appetizing?"
"I mean, why the hell are we dressed in suits when we're on vacation man? We are in the middle of Tokyo and we are in suits, and white. No one wears suits here, I mean look around us, how many people are wearing suits? Okay so that guy is wearing a suit but he's probably a business person. Let's go ask him.
"Excuse me sir, what field do you work in?"
"I work with computers," said the man, adjusting his glasses.
"Who do you work for?"
"Toshiba," said the business man.
"Okay, so you're a business man."
"Yes, and I am openly gay."
"Okay."
"Well perhaps I'm not gay, I think I really just like shoving myself into any available orifice. It honestly doesn't matter to me what said orifice is attached to."
"Okay," said the man, "you're a fucking weirdo.
"Well," said the man to his friend, "that was…interesting."
"So you're saying that we're lame because we have suits on?"
"Yeah, the only people with suits on are business people and people on a business vacations. We look so out of place here."
"So why is it that you think girls don't want to hang out with us?"
"Well I don't know, but what I do know is that we are going to get so laid. We're in Japan, where bitches love white people!"
"That's one of the most racist Asian stereotypes ever."
"Really? I don't want to sound like a bigot. What time is it anyways?"
"It's 1:35, and it took us forty five minutes to walk over here."
"Oh god, wait let's jack that bitch's bike."
"What?"
"I said, let's go steal the bike from that bitch on that bike so I can get to my date on time and maybe get laid."
"Why?"
"How else am I gonna get there in twenty five minutes? I can't fly like Superman!"
"Really? That's a new development."
"Whatever, just watch my back as I take the bike off this bitch."
His friend merely shook his head in disbelief.
"'Ey, you, yeah you hoe! Turn your ass around bitch. Now give me that bike you're riding on, unless you want to drop your pants and get in mine."
The woman stared at him in disbelief. The sickening sound of a hand slapping a face with the strength of someone who is being dumped filled the air. The woman slammed a fist into the right eye of her rude would be assailant.
"Well that worked out well, now what are you going to—"
"Yo YT, what up dawg?"
The man's friend was in disbelief as the woman helped his friend up off of the ground.
"We went to college together, I can't believe that I didn't recognize her at first. When I was a part of that exchange program we used to party all the time. It was awesome. So can I borrow your bike?"
"I don't see why not."
"Cool, I'll just leave it with Nyamo and she can get it back to you."
"Okay thanks." The man then rode off, leaving his friends behind. "So what are you doing tonight?"
"It depends," said the friend, "Do they have the Green Hornet in Japan?"
"The what?"
"We saw that movie before we came over here, but now for some reason we keep dropping hints that we might be gay. I'm just not sure why."
"Do you wanna get something to eat or something?" asked Yukari.
"Yeah sure."
"You've only drank two glasses, but you're already hammered," said the friend, "while I've had one glass and I'm not even buzzed. How does that work?"
"I don't know," hiccupped Yukari, "wanna see a movie later?"
"Yeah sure," he said munching on a crunchy, fried object, "once you get some of the booze out of your system."
"Okay," she said in a slurred voice, "but how are you gonna watch a movie if it's in Japanese?"
"Hmm," he crunched on another fried morsel, "I'm sure we'll figure it out."
"Getsuga Tensho!"
"Why did we come to see this again?" asked the man.
"Everything else is sold out," said Yukari.
"Right, right, what is this about anyways?"
"Some ginger who swings a black sword around," said a bored Yukari.
"Wait a minute, is that a swastika?"
"No," said Yukari, "that's a Japanese character."
"You mean it's a kanji?" asked the man.
"Yeah."
"Well," the man paused for a second, "why is that orange haired kid fighting that samurai guy?"
"I don't know," said Yukari, "you wanna go somewhere else?"
"I like the sound of that," said the man, "where do you want to go?"
"Where are you staying?"
"Wait, what?" The man was surprised, but intrigued. "What are you saying?" He hoped that he knew the answer, he hoped that she was thinking what he thought she was.
"I'm not saying anything," said Yukari with a devilish smile.
The man was incredulous. He simply stood there, a shocked look to his face. Slowly the corners of his mouth shifted upwards into a slight smile. He had to make a call.
"Here's the situation, been to every nation, nobody's ever made me feel the way that you do. You know my motivation, given my reputation, please excuse I don't mean to be—"
"Hello?" he asked as he answered his phone.
"Okay," said his friend, "where are you?"
"I'm out on important business."
"Yeah whatever, do you know anything about why my luggage is missing from the room?"
"No."
"You were the last one to leave the room, did you lock the door?"
"Uh…."
A long sigh followed by a dial tone filled his ear. The man looked at his date and realized, the hotel room was already taken.
Author's Note: worst ending ever? Vote now!