Title: A Newborn Dracula
Rated: T/M
Warnings: language, secks, intense moments

NOTE: This is purely for fun and for lolz. This is not serious writing and I'm only posting it laughs. If you don't like crack!fics or Matrix parodies, don't read.
Also, I know this has more than one topic/character in this that is not The Matrix. The reason it's not under crossover is because there's honestly not one other fandom these fics can be classified under. Problem? Deal with it. :D

Disclaimer: I do not own The Matrix, Blacula, DBZ, or anything else mentioned in this.

"Do you hear that, Mr. Anderson? That is the sound of crack on paper. That is the sound of your lulz."

Morpheus was what he liked to call himself "a lean, mean flesh eating machine." This landfill of a world that was piled with shit twelve feet high, suited Morpheus well. They scorched the sky with their dragons a long time ago. Dragons have since died out. Like the dinosaurs. Just like the fucking dinosaurs.

Morpheus liked the lack of sunlight that caused everyone else to be depressed. Unfortunately, Morpheus did not know depression could lead to suicide which is why he was so surprised when he learned his chair-lover killed himself. The bastard never cared for Morpheus. He never even said goodbye. It was during this time of loss that Morpheus became a putrid, flesh eating machine that nobody dared to say hello to. "Fuck dat shit," said the beast. "Fuck dat shit to fuckin' shit."

Morpheus walked all gangster like down the flights of Zion's marble grand staircase. Angels were carved into the sides of the stairs like angels were often carved as and paint derived from gold lined the angels' chubby bums like McDonald's lined your arteries. Morpheus knew he was forbidden on this staircase... Shit, everyone knew. The only being allowed on them was the Count Fucking Dracula, himself. And sometimes... Even the Goddamn Count wasn't allowed on them, that's how bad-ass the staircase was. That's how bad-ass the Count was.

So Morpheus, with his swag on, ascended the staircase. He had some trouble getting up the stairs in his gangster pursuit but he didn't care. He didn't fucking care. He's Morpheus, remember? Well not for long. The Dracula appeared out of fucking nowhere and pushed Morpheus down the staircase. Unlike the staircase, this scene was not grand. Morpheus laid on the ground, incapacitated. "What da fuck, dawg? I's had my swag on, bro 'nd yo' bitch-ass got me goin'. C'mon down here, bruddah, yo ain't got no syle," said Morpheus, broken on the ground. You may think this 'black talk' is a delusional Morpheus, but no. Sadly, this is the real deal.

The Dracula Instant Transmissioned to Morpheus. Instant Transmission, thought the Count of Love, I'll have to thank Goku for that one. "You," said the pale white demon. "You have interrupted my slumber. You shall pay for your sins!" And the Dracula leaned in for what Morpheus thought was a kiss.

"Boi, get yo' lips away fro' mai face. Only dem bitches in da club can touch dat. You sicko, punk-ass white boi. Get da fuck away." The Dracula went past Morpheus' lips and to his neck, biting right above Morpheus' bling. The Morph-man screamed like he was getting his vagina ripped open by a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Blood oozed from the man of Morph's neck exactly as a bottle of clogged ketchup wouldn't. As the Dracula sucked harder than a flaming faggot, Morpheus's eyes glazed over. He thought of honey-glazed donuts. It was the gangster's last thought before he became... One of them.

Several minutes later, Morpheus woke up to the Dracula standing above him. "Yo' dawg, what you do dat fo'? I be raped in da ass by you 'nd you'da betta worn yo' rubber cuz dem bitches don't like no STDs from da Morphah."

"Silence!" The Dracula shouted, as if there was a crowd of people around him instead of just one man. "You are not the man called Morpheus anymore. You are a creature of the night." Imagine blaring xylophones and marimbas creating suspense and horror. The music is overpowering and at once it stops as Dracula declares, "You shall be called... BLACULA!"

It's been thirty years since Blacula was born. He woke up in the year 2199... Or somewhere around that time. They don't have fucking calenders in this shit hole. Blacula went into the bar he did exactly thirty years ago. "Dracula must be dead. There's no sign of him anywhere," said Blacula. The readers have now learned that Blacula outgrew his gangster phase, thank fuck for that.

As Morpheus entered the bar, he saw a woman that looked a lot like Captain Niobe because it was indeed, Captain Niobe. "Oh, heavens," said Blacula. He sauntered to her and bought her a drink with the money he conveniently found in his pocket. "You look familiar," he told her. "You look like of those bitches in the club I met. So beautiful, so luscious." He looked towards her neck.

"What's your name?"

"Blac... Morpheus," said the newborn Dracula.

"My name is Niobe. Let's go have sex," Niobe said to him. Morpheus was in awe. This was some horny bitch. She was a modern day Mesopotamian storm demon, known as Lilith. Her breasts had no milk and she was unable to bear children. She was as ugly as a troll but it didn't phase the Blacula.

They made sweet love in the darkness. "You're hairier than the other women in the past," said Blacula. Niobe's eyes went red and they glowed against the darkness.

"Morpheus," she hissed. "Mooorrrrpppheeeusss." Her coarse body hair became scales and she stuck out her tongue.

"JESUS TITS!" Screamed Blacula. Something was seriously fucking wrong with her. Her tongue was split into two. Her tusks emerged from the side of her face and hooked under Morpheus' arms. This was some grave shit he got himself into. Her split tongue crawled into Morpheus' nostrils, his nose blocked by the two tongues. "What do you want?"

She had grown into the size of a Basilisk and her snake body wrapped around Morpheus' waist. "I want your boogies," she hissed. "And I want your brain." Luckily, for Blacula, the storm demon had no knowledge of his vampyrism. The Blacula's fangs stretched out over three feet long and he bit her.

HOLY BALLS! Vampire fangs are poison to storm demons. The Lilith had been slain. "Fuck yes!" screamed Blacula. "The beast of always! The beast of your soul!" He laughed maniacally like Mr. Hyde after he became Jekyll. "I have avenged my species. It is time."

Morpheus opened Zion's skylight. He burned. His flesh had burned into the Holy ashes. They would be used at the next Ash Wednesday. Underneath the ashes, was Blacula's skeleton. On Good Friday... He would rise again