The Hero
So, you think you'd be good as the main character of a video game? Sorry, but it's not that easy. No, really, it's not. You can't have just anyone as the main character! Take a look at the requirements below to see if you're eligible to be the hero.
Essentials
You must meet all of the requirements below to even stand a chance of becoming main character.
1)You must be willing to rescue people (usually princesses) on a regular basis. No matter how annoying you find them and how many times they get kidnapped again straight after you've freed them, they must be rescued. No exceptions, not even Princess Peach, I'm afraid.
2)You must be able to accurately use any kind of weapon, item or special ability on less than a second's notice. And yes, there is a reason for this rule. Seriously, what happens if a monster that can only be defeated by a magic vacuum cleaner attacks you and the doors automatically lock so you can't get out until you've killed the monster?
3)You must be ready and willing to fall down a lot of holes. Also, you must have a good scream prepared for when this happens. Actually, it doesn't even have to be a scream. Any form of amusing noise will do.
4)You must have or be at least one of the following: Some kind of special ability, chosen by the Gods/Goddesses or by some form of prophecy or anything similar, a spy, a non-human, a prince/princess, a detective/criminal/anything to do with the law, live in another universe where things are completely different to how they are here, or a completely average and normal teenager whose life has just been turned upside down by some kind of amazing (and probably supernatural) discovery. Oh, and plumbers are also accepted. Why? I have no idea.
5)You must have large pockets for all those items you will have to pick up. And no, you are not allowed a rucksack. You must also try to stop these items from creating bulges in your pockets. How you will manage this, I am not sure. Link knows, ask him. Except he doesn't speak. Bummer. Looks like it's up to you then.
6)You have to be able to hold your breath for an inordinately long amount of time. 2 and a half minutes at the very least. Even better, you must be able to locate an item that allows you to walk underwater without needing to breathe.
7)You must be able to jump extremely high. This skill will be even better regarded if you learn to double jump or wall jump. Preferably both.
8)If you wish to be the main character in a JRPG and are male, you must have extremely big, spiky hair and wield a humungous sword. If you are female, your hair should be an exotic colour e.g. blue.
9)You must be able to defy the laws of physics on a regular basis, either through the use of an item or just due to your own natural ability. Whatever. We're not picky.
10)You must be prepared to eat/drink all sorts of (potentially icky) stuff to restore your health when it is running low.
11)You must be capable of withstanding attacks and events that would be fatal to normal people without dying; only losing a few hit points. For example, if you've just fallen into a pit of spikes just lose a couple of hit points and get out of there while you're still flashing and unable to take damage! And if you fall 10000000 feet, just smash into the ground and lose a couple of hit points. You'll be fine, stop being such a wuss.
12)If you happen to fall into a pit of lava, you should escape using one of these two methods. One, you leap up into the air squealing, giving you a chance to land on the nearest platform. Two, you die and then come back to life. Either method is acceptable.
13)You should have a set amount of hits you can take before you die. This should be displayed clearly in a gauge either at the top of the screen or directly above your head. However, if you only have one hit point this is not necessary, because who wants a hero with only one hit point? No, seriously, just no. Once you have died, you should also be able to come back to life. Even if it is game over, you should still be able to come back to life. Oh yes, and that brings me onto rule #14...
14)You should be prepared to die a lot, in a huge variety of different ways. And yes, I mean a lot.
Preferred
Just because you meet all of the requirements above doesn't mean you're automatically accepted into the world of video gaming. No, you need something to stand out from the crowd. Here is a list of additional traits that are looked for in main characters...
1)It would be good if you dressed oddly. For example, only dressing in only one colour is good.
2)It's good to have an unusual name. Really. For example, good names: Ike, PacMan, Phoenix Wright. Bad names: Fred, Bob, Sarah.
3)You should be good at finding stuff, "stuff" being useful items and boss monsters.
4)Y'know, it would help if you were good at defeating said boss monsters after you've found them. They usually have some kind of weakness, it would be useful if you were good at spotting that. But if you can't, never mind. After all, you can always come back to life after it's killed you
5)You shouldn't have any romantic relationships throughout the game. I mean, you can hint at them but not actually have them. But really. Who'd waste time kissing people when you could be smashing up monsters? Not me, that's for sure. However, at the end of the game when you've smashed up all said monsters, then you might be able to have a short romantic scene. Maybe.
6)It's good if you have something that people just associate with you. For example, a special type of hat that nobody except you would even dream of wearing, a "different" hairstyle, or some kind of catchphrase (preferably NOT cheesy and annoying). Whatever it is, whenever people see or hear it they should think of you.
7)Come on, there has to be something you can use to increase your maximum HP? If in doubt, level up.
8)You have to make some kind of noise whenever you do something! Whether it's a "YAAAHH!" or a "wahoo!" just do something.
Definitely Not's
If any of these apply to you... don't even bother. Seriously. Just don't.
1)You must not have a car. You have to walk everywhere, or use a different method of transport. Other people are allowed them, but not you. Actually, you're allowed to steal cars from other people in some games, but you're not allowed your own. Really, no cars allowed.
2)Under no situation must you ever call reinforcements, no matter how practical it may be. Sure, you may be outnumbered a million to one, but you have to fight them on your own because that's the heroic thing to do. Remember, heroic always beats sensible! The only time reinforcements may be used is when they follow you without you knowing or being able to do anything about it.
3)You must never suspect anyone of lying to you. This does not mean you have to be stupid, just naïve. And even if it's blatantly obvious, you must always act shocked when they reveal that they've been lying.
4)Never, under any circumstances, trust your sidekick. They are almost always out to get you! Especially if they interrupt you every three seconds with "hey, listen!" (OK, maybe this rule isn't strictly true, but come on! Navi has to be up to something!)
5)Never try to come up with a complex plan of action. Although this sounds like a good thing to do, it more often than not results in your untimely demise (I learnt this the hard way. You'd think using complex plans in battle strategy games would be a good idea, but no. Just no). Remember, in video games, everything is as it appears. Basically, keep smashing your way through enemies until you get somewhere. Works every time. Oh, and if in doubt, attack it. Unless it looks explosive, in which case that may not be the best idea.
6)You must not be scared of being swarmed by monsters, zombies, or people with weapons. If you are, this really, really won't work.
So, do you still think you have what it takes to be the main character? It takes a lot out of you, but when you finally complete the game the results are worth it!
*Small Print*
That is, if you don't die first. And when I say "worth it", do you really think credits are worth it? Really?