"Cleon fucking sucks!" echoed the voice. The man at which the voice belonged to shivered from the coldness of his cell. He tried to look around, but failed since there wasn't even a beam of light to be found.

He rubbed his arms trying to get the numb felling out of them. He heard a door open and two figures appeared in the frame. He rattled the bars on the cell and screamed some more.

"You mother fuckers. I'll fucking get you back, I swear it."

"I don't think so Mr. CALF. You're going to be here a long time." said the first voice.

"What the fuck I'm not a baby cow. My name is Tom ya bitch."

"Well Mr. CALF do you want to know what your challenge is?" replied the second voice.

"Challenge what? All i did was say that Leon and Claire wouldn't fucking work. And then something knocked me out and i woke up here. And I know it was about Cleon because you wrote 'Cleon rules' over my chest with permanent markers!"

"It was better than having it tattooed wasn't it?

"Yeah but..." he pushed his glasses up on his nose. "What the fuck is your deal!"

"Follow us and we'll show you."

his cell was opened and he was grabbed by the shoulders. He was dragged and pulled into a bright light. After his eyes adjusted he looked at his two assailants. They were two young girls wearing 'CLEON RULES!" shirts. They were pretty damn hot too!

He kept reading the shirts over and over again. Well that's what he was playing off as he stared at their boobs. They took him into a lush furnished room and lead him to a soft recliner.

"Wait, who are you guys?" asked Tom nervously.

"I"m Ivawn, but you have to call me 'Evil'."

"Evil, what the fuck kinda name is that dumb sh-." he was cut off from the other one.

"And I'm Suzanne, but you can call me 'Hunter'."

"Hunter? Ok what the fuck are you two planning now?" he got up from the chair trying to get away. The two women grabbed his shoulders once again and set him down.

Evil got up close to the right side of his face and whispered "You have to wait until the others get here." Hunter leaned into his left side and whispered "Just calm down, have a drink." Hunter offered him a glass of Bacardi Zombie.

"But I'm not old enough to drink, I'm only-"

"Sixteen." said the two girl in unison.

"Are you saying that you've never had alcohol?" asked Evil. Hunter chuckled and took a sip from the glass. She licked her lips and then said "Haven't you ever wanted to try it?"

"No, now get that shit away from me you goddamn freaks!"

"Freaks?" they said innocently "But we're just two girls offering you a drink."

"You kidnapped me and tried to give alcohol to a minor!"

"We didn't kidnap you." said Evil.

"But we did offer you alcohol. How shameful." replied Hunter as she downed the rest of the glass.

"Then who the fuck kidnapped me!" demanded Tom.

A phone rang and Hunter answered it.

"Hello? You're here. great we'll bring him right over." she hung up the phone and looked at Tom.

"You're not touching me scank!" the dodge her and fell into the grasp of Evil.

"Shut up nerd, or we'll have to gag you!" she spat.

They both lead him through the house they were in. They went through a door and ended up in what seemed to be a backyard.

The two shoved him into the dirt and walked over to what seemed like sidelines. They sat down in lawn chairs and began to drink mixed drinks as they watched him sit in the dirt.

"Hey what are you two doing!?"

"Shut up CALF, the show is just beginning!" exclaimed Hunter as she turned on cam corder that was next to her.

"Come on out!" screamed Evil as she sat up higher in her chair.

Tom turned around and saw the garage door slowly open. He sat in disbelief as all of the Resident Evil characters appeared right in front of him. Wesker was the first to get up to Tom and grabbed him by the collar.

"This is going to be fun." he slammed Tom down the ground and kicked him across the dirt. The CALF clutched his stomach in pain and looked up at the man with red eyes.

"What the fuck dude! You're my favorite character!"

"Well you didn't pay me to do this. I'm doing what I was paid to do." Wesker once again picked up Tom, but he handed him off to the next person in line.

"Chris Redfield?"

Chris hit him in the face and shoved him down.

"Wha-"

"You don't think that my little sister can be with Leon? Boy you're retarded."

Jill walked up next and kicked him in the nether regions.

"That's for thinking the same thing."

"WHY!!" screamed the CALF at the top of his lungs.

"Because you're a fucking dick face." said two voices.

He thought that it was Evil and Hunter, but they just sat there eating cookies. They shrugged and him and pointed to what was behind him. He turned around and saw Claire and Leon together.

"What..." he muttered as he held onto him groin.

"We've been together for years." stated Leon calmly. Claire snorted and started at the kid with glare.

"You should really learn how to shut the fuck up."

Leon and the others turned away and walked over to Evil and Hunter. Mysteriously there were more chairs out and they sat down.

"Release the child!" screamed Evil and Hunter.

Tom looked around and saw clear walls shooting up around him. He looked at his 'audience' and saw that they were all eating cookies and drinking.

"You go girl!" screamed Claire at the top of her lungs.

CALF turned around and saw a very pissed off Sherry Birkin. She crazily leapt on him and started beating the shit out of him.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry! For the love of God I'm fucking sorry!"

"TOO LATE CALF!!" screamed the crazy girl.

"What the fuck is a 'calf'!!"

"It's a 'Claire And Leon Flamer' you fucking fuck."

Sherry slammed her foot down into his face and knocked him unconscious She looked over at the others and smiled. The walls went down and she ran over to eat a cookie. After she did that she walked back over to Tom and kicked him once more.

"Well be better get him back into his cell. We'll have more fun with him tomorrow." stated Evil as she grabbed his ankles.

"Till tomorrow!" replied Hunter. She grabbed his arms and the two girls carried away the flamer while they were laughing maliciously.

Authors Note: This is not a fucking joke. We want to flame all of the flamers back. You guys haven't heard the last from Evil and Hunter!! Also if you do flame us, well we don't care. We'll just have new CALFs to add into our story. Maybe you'll feel good that you're included in something for once.