Introduction: It's been awhile since I read the manga, but I have a fair idea of what happens. This story is meant as a pure parody of the 'Android Saga.' I don't own anything in this. Don't take it too seriously. This is my favorite saga (s) in DBZ. Enjoy.
Chapter One: The Return of Frieza/Trunks' arrival
Gohan lay asleep, his face flat on the desk. He had been up all night doing things. Now he just needed to rest. The phone rang, snapping the young half-Saiyan out of his deep sleep. He struggled to get up, but tripped. Gohan crawled to the phone and finally pulled himself up on the bookshelf and answered the phone. "Hello?" Gohan asked.
Gohan blinked a couple of times and rubbed his head. "No, my father isn't home," Gohan groaned, "I don't know when he'll be home…no, he's on another planet. Do I sound like the lying sort? Goodbye!"
He slammed the phone down. "Idiot," Gohan muttered. Gohan continued to rub his head, "Last time I'm having that much tequila," he sighed as he laid down in bed.
Gohan tossed and turned two, then three times. He was finally comfortable. The phone rang again. Gohan reached for it, grumbling all the way. "Hello," he answered, grinding his teeth. "No, for the fifth time," Gohan said, "My father is not home. Sure, I'll take a message…What's your name? Tell him Trunks called, got it! That's T-R-U-N-X right? Whatever…bye."
Gohan sighed, "That otta get him to shut up." Gohan lay back down; the bed was still warm from where Gohan was laying. He lay down as the pulsation in his forehead began to subside. Two more hours of sleep was all Gohan needed to get rid of the hangover.
Within two minutes, he was asleep. Gohan dreamt of running through the field collecting dragon balls. He soon bumped heads with a beautiful girl. Their eyes met and Gohan realized they had much in common. As they walked through the fields together they shared an intimate conversation. Under the shade of the pear tree, she leaned forward lips pursed. Gohan closed his eyes and moved closer to her. His first kiss and it would be well worth the wait. Their lips locked. RRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNGGGG!
The phone rang again. Gohan picked up the phone, "WHAT?!!" He shouted, "Oh…hi Krillin… What do you mean Frieza's coming here? I don't feel anything. No, I haven't been drinking again. Okay…I'll be there sometime soon."
Gohan groaned, he ran downstairs. "H-hey kiddo," Yamcha said, taking a sip of orange juice, "Where you going?"
"Frieza is going to land on Earth in the Southern Desert!" Gohan exclaimed, he then had to stop because the blood-flow to his head was so intense. Yamcha spit out his orange juice, "You're kidding right?" he asked.
"Nope," Gohan said, "Why are you still here, anyway?"
Chi-chi walked around the corner. She had a towel wrapped around her waist and a bra on. Yamcha looked at her chest for a moment, "I can think of two reasons," Yamcha grinned.
"Gohan! Just where the HFIL think you're going?!!" Chi-chi exclaimed.
"Um…" Gohan said, his head hurting, he began to twiddle his thumbs, "To stop Frieza?"
"By yourself?" Chi-chi asked.
"Well Krillin's going to be there," Gohan said.
"We all know and love Krillin," Chi-chi sardonically remarked, "But we also know he's nothing more than comic relief or someone to die if the occasion calls for it…Take Yamcha!"
"But Yamcha is…" Gohan stammered.
"Uh-uh," Chi-chi scolded, "Yamcha is one of the strongest men I know. He was pretty much the first real antagonist in the 'Emperor Pilaf saga' you know?"
"Yes mother, I remember the story," Gohan said, "We have it on DVD."
"Oh…right," Chi-chi said, "Look…Yamcha could knock me out with one blow. Usually that takes quiet a bit of Rohypnol. But not for Yamcha."
"I don't know what that is," Gohan said, "Can I please go now?"
"I suppose so," Chi-chi said, "Just wait up for Yamcha."
"Yes ma'am," Gohan said, going out the front door.
"Let me go get my uniform," Yamcha said, "Wait for me outside."
"Alright," Gohan said, shutting the door behind him.
Yamcha hugged Chi-chi and swayed her a little. "You think he's going to find out," Chi-chi asked, putting her chin on Yamcha's shoulder.
"What do you mean?" Yamcha asked.
"About us," Chi-chi said.
"Nah," Yamcha said, "If he's anything like his 'Dad' he won't notice. And even if he did he'd be too nice a guy to do anything."
Chi-chi nodded. "I've got to go get ready," Yamcha said.
"Just don't die. Frieza is powerful, don't forget that," Chi-chi said, "I already lost one husband to him…or her…depends on the dub I guess…We need a villain whose gender is more clearly defined."
"Yeah," Yamcha said. The two kissed as Yamcha ran up stairs, changed and then flew out through the door. "Let's go kid," He smiled.
Gohan nodded and took off after him…
Three hours later…
"I don't see why we had to stop for coffee and doughnuts!" Gohan yelled at Yamcha.
"Dude, its things like coffee and doughnuts that keep us justice keepers at our optimum efficiency," Yamcha said, taking a bite out of a jelly doughnut. A glob of jelly fell downward. "Oops," Yamcha muttered.
"See that jelly could hurt somebody from this altitude!" Gohan said.
"The lady doth protests too much, methinks," Yamcha muttered.
Down on the ground…
The Farmer whipped sweat off his brow. "Ooh-wee," He said, "Nothing like a hard day's work."
Suddenly, a red blob smacked him on the head. The Farmer reached onto his forehead. It was soft and squishy. He looked at the liquid, "OH MY KAMI-SAMA!!! I'VE BEEN SHOT!" He shouted.
The farmer ran around in circles trying to figure out what he should do. "I'm bleeding!" He shouted, as he began to feel fear.
He ran for the house but promptly smacked against the glass door, knocking himself out. His wife looked through the door to see what happened…she screamed in terror.
Back in the sky…
"Are we there yet?" Gohan asked.
"No," Yamcha said.
"Are we there yet," Gohan asked.
"No," Yamcha said.
"Are we there yet?" Gohan asked.
"No! I thought you were supposed to be leading me!" Yamcha said.
"Oh yeah," Gohan said, speeding past Yamcha.
In a matter of minutes, the two landed in the desert, amidst the other Z-fighters. "Hey Krillin!" Gohan said.
"Hey, hey buddy!" Krillin said, running over to shake Gohan's hand, "You feeling any better?"
"Not really," Gohan said.
"Well what were you doing last night?" Krillin asked.
"Playing video games and drinking a Carmel frappuccino," Gohan said, "Piccolo got me hooked on them."
"Uh-huh," Krillin said, nodding his head, "What were you really doing?"
"Watching 'Sailor Moon' and having a shot or two of tequila," Gohan said.
"I thought as much," Krillin said, "Don't go too far, you'll throw off your energy… I remember when Goku would go on binge drinking sprees. Ever wonder why he's unemployed?"
"Okay…" Gohan said, "That's enough, of that. What did you do last night?"
"Your mom," Krillin snickered.
Yamcha shot Krillin a dirty look. "You too?" Krillin asked.
"Yes, we've all slept with Kakarot's wife," Vegeta snarled, "Now be quiet. I sense something approaching."
"In an unrelated note, did anybody tape last night's 'LOST," Tien said, "I forgot to set my TiVo."
"No," Piccolo said, "My TiVo is only for episodes of 'Law & Order'…and the occasional 'Harold and Kumar."
"I thought you recorded 'Days of Our Lives' too," Gohan said.
"You promised me you'd never tell anyone about that!" Piccolo shouted.
"Quiet!" Vegeta said, "Here he comes."
A slight rumbling sound was heard as the sound of three legs touching down was heard. "Frieza's ship never had three legs," Krillin noted.
"Hi guys!" Bulma cheered, getting out of her air-car-helicopter-thing.
"Okay forget what I just said, it's not Frieza," Vegeta said.
"Well, she's not," Tien said, "But I suspect that big mother-ship type thing might be."
"Oh boy Frieza's going to land!" Bulma said.
"What is wrong with you?!" Krillin told Bulma.
"I was on Namek the entire time and didn't see this Frieza dude, or gal, at all," Bulma said.
"Oh so that's the only reason you came?" Krillin asked, "No 'Hi Krillin how are you doing?' 'Did you ever get a girlfriend, Krillin?"
"I kind of figured you'd have come out by now," Bulma smirked.
"No, not yet. But if I don't get a girl by the end of this saga," Krillin said, "I might as well try it out."
"We're here if you need us," Tien said, holding hands with Chaotzu.
"Thanks buddy," Krillin said.
"Okay, let's go meet Frieza," Yamcha said, "Get this over with."
"Yes, watch as I crush him with one blow," Vegeta said.
"And…" Tien said, "We're off to see the Frieza, The Horrible Frieza of Namek.
You'll find he [or she] is a horrid of a horrid thing! If ever a horrible thing! there was.
If ever oh ever a Horrid thing! there was The Frieza of Namek is one because,
Because, because, because, because, because.
Because of the horrible things he [or she] does.
We're off to see the Frieza. The Horrible Frieza of Namek."
"You fool!" Piccolo said, "That little song probably ruined this entire parody's reputation."
"But it's my favorite movi-hie," Tien whined, "Well what kind of movies do you like? Oh yeah you like NASCAR, I forgot."
Half a mile later…
"My feet are killing me," Bulma protested.
"Oh, grow a pair," Vegeta said, "Now let's sit down and enjoy the show…Remember to keep your power low or else they'll find us."
"Does anyone else want pop corn?" Piccolo said, "I mean, we always do these fights one on one. Most of us don't get any action. So this time, I can prepared."
"Smart thinking," Yamcha said, "I got doughnuts too!"
"Good, then we can have a feast," Tien said, "Oh the popcorn is still hot! But I don't see a microwave."
"Exactly," Piccolo said, "These antennae aren't just for show."
"Quiet!" Vegeta said, "Frieza's coming out of the space ship."
"That's Frieza? He looks like I. M. Weasel and Mecha-Godzilla combined," Bulma said.
"And who is that?! He looks like a giant demon," Bulma said.
"Cold," Vegeta said.
"So he's an alien too," Bulma asked.
"Yes," Vegeta said.
"Am I getting warmer?" Bulma asked.
Vegeta looked at her confused. "No," Vegeta said, "That's his name…Cold…King Cold…Frieza's father."
"Gasp!" Everyone exclaimed.
"He's not that powerful," Vegeta said, "Even the Namek could beat him."
"And what is that supposed to mean," Piccolo said, through bites of popcorn, "Hey does anyone have a frappuccino?"
"No," Krillin said, "But there's probably a Starbucks around here."
"How do you figure?" Piccolo asked.
"Well, those things are everywhere," Krillin said.
"I want a frappuccino!" Piccolo said, "This just isn't right! I'm a Namekian, I need my coffee!"
"Well I'm not getting up," Krillin said.
"Why are Frieza and King Cold just standing there," Bulma asked.
"Beats me," Yamcha said.
"Well someone needs to go and get coffee!" Piccolo said, "Because somebody already drank all of his."
"What is that supposed to mean?" Yamcha said.
"I know we all want to be here," Tien said, "But Piccolo is right…for once…we need coffee."
"Then what should we do, roshambo, nose goes," Yamcha said.
"I got one," Tien said. He cleared his throat, "Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, catch a Saiyan by the tail if he hollers make him pay twenty zeni everyday. Eeny, meeny, miny, moe… Sorry Chaotzu, you loose."
"Aw man," Chaotzu said, flying off.
"Well he was never that important of a character to begin with," Yamcha said.
"Yeah," Tien said.
Down at the spaceship's landing point…
"So this is Earth?" King Cold said.
"Yes Daddy," Frieza said, "This where the Super Saiyan does all of his 'training."
"Not to bad," King Cold noted, "You know what I could go for?"
"No," Frieza said, "Nor do I care, but I suspect you'll tell me anyway."
"A frappuccino," King Cold said, "Even a backwater planet like as this one has to have some sort of drinking-of-cold-coffees place."
"Oooh," Frieza said, "Did you have to talk about that? Now I have to urinate!"
"I told you to go on the ship," King Cold said.
"I would, but Zseo was in there too!" Frieza said, he then whispered, "You know I can't go when somebody else is in the room."
"Well hurry up," King Cold said.
"But what if the Super Saiyan shows up," Frieza said.
"We were three hours ahead of him, you can be done in that amount of time," King Cold said.
"What if he, or she, learned to teleport though?" Frieza whined.
"Just go," King Cold said.
"Fine," Frieza said. Frieza turned his back away and went back into the spaceship.
King Cold looked around, studying the area. Suddenly, he felt a vibrating in his armor. He opened up his cell phone, '1 new message' was displayed on screen. "Now who is this from," he asked, flipping his cell phone open. "Cld, cn u hang 2day. I need ur help wth m proj," the text message read.
King Cold sighed, "When will Babiddi learn we don't want to fund his stupid little 'Buu' project. He doesn't even know where he left it." Now there was nothing left to do. Suddenly, King Cold felt a tiny prick on his arm. He looked down, a fly of some sort. "Eww!" He shouted, jumping backward, "Disgusting creature."
He flicked the fly off his arm. "Now I'm going to be itching all day," King Cold grumbled. Frieza came back out, "Those flies seem to be everywhere," Frieza noted, "I don't see how anything could survive with these small seemingly mechanical insects pricking at us every few seconds."
"Indeed," King Cold said… "I thinking going to order a pizza," King Cold said. He grabbed his cell phone and promptly dialed '337-2323.' "Yes I'd like to order one extra large yardrat pizza with senzu," King Cold ordered, "What do you mean, 'we don't serve yardrat or senzu?' No this isn't a joke…okay…fine…One large Hawaiian. Okay, we're in the Southern desert. Yes…okay…Thank you…mm-hm…bye-bye."
King Cold closed the lid on his cell phone. "Isn't technology wonderful?" He grinned.
Frieza sighed, "Daddy, all you've done is talk about that cell phone since you got it."
"I do not," King Cold retorted, "Ooh! Another text message! It's from Cooler this time."
Frieza put his hand on his head and shook it in disgust.
A few moments passed… Frieza sighed, "Do we have anything to do before the Super Saiyan arrives?"
"We could play 'Simon' again," King Cold suggested.
"For the last time Daddy, these knobs on my chest and head aren't a 'Simon' game!" Frieza sneered.
"Well sorry," King Cold says, "By the way Babiddi texted me and wanted to know if we'd fund his petty little 'Buu' project."
"We already gave him Pui-Pui to aid in his search," Frieza said, "What does he think? That this 'Buu' thing is on Earth?"
"You know, if we could find it," King Cold said, "We could sell it to Babiddi for lots of zeni."
"That's right!" Frieza said. The cyborg turned to face his platoon of soldiers. "Alright gentleman," Frieza said, "Search the area for some sort of large cocoon thing, or was it an electric rice cooker. Kill any Earthlings you encounter. Meet back here in two hours for the Super Saiyan's arrival."
"Yes sir!" The soldiers shouted and began to wander off searching.
"Actually," King Cold said, "You know how low the odds are that 'Buu' is actually here are?"
"Who cares?" Frieza said, "I'm taking a nap."
Frieza turned around to enter his spaceship again. "Sir!" A solider shouted.
Frieza whirled around to face his underling, "What now?" Frieza asked, "I'm very tired."
"I told you, you should have had a coffee," King Cold said.
"Sir, we've located two Saiyans, a Namek, and some dude with three eyes," The Solider said, "Should we take them out?"
"Are they Earthlings," Frieza asked.
"N-no sir," The Solider said.
"Then perhaps you should pay better attention to my orders," Frieza said, turning back around to go take a nap, "Waiiittt a minute...."
The sound of a sword being drawn was heard. Frieza spun around to investigate. "Ah, you must be the pizza boy," King Cold said.
Then he noticed the dead bodies of all of the soldiers. "Somebody is asking for a big tip," Frieza said, and then his eyes shifted to the young man responsible for the deaths.
"You're King Cold and Frieza right," He asked, his purple hair blowing in the wind.
"That's right," King Cold said, "Now how much do I owe you lad?"
"Oh you don't owe me anything," The pizza boy said.
"Don't be so humble," King Cold said, "After all that hard work you deserve to be paid…Now where is my wallet….Sorry…Its just so hard to find one's wallet or purse in these suit's of armor…Where is my blood wallet…Where is my flipping wallet! Damn it! I know I had it in here somewhere… WHERE THE DABURA IS MY WALLET?!! MOTHERF**KER!!!"
"Did you check your back pocket?" Frieza asked.
"Yeah that's where I keep mine," The pizza boy said.
"Thank you," King Cold said, reaching into his back pocket. He opened up his wallet, a moth flew out. "You know I'll throw in an extra twenty if you clean up the bodies," He said, still trying to find money in his wallet.
"You don't have any money in there do you," Frieza asked.
"I do not," King Cold said.
"I knew it! You said you wouldn't gamble any more! And look at you broke your promise! Again!" Frieza shouted at his father, "No wonder mother left you!"
"Its n-not my f-fault," King Cold said, "Have you ever had an itch that needs to be scratched otherwise you'd go insane?"
"Yes, and look what happened to planet Namek!" Frieza said, "Hopefully these stupid mechanical Earth flies won't provoke me into doing the same."
"Do you even feel itches any more in that armor?" King Cold asked.
"Do you even think with that empty head of yours?" Frieza asked.
The pizza boy cleared his throat, "A-hem!" he said.
"Oh yes, the pizza," King Cold said, "Do you accept American Express?"
"I'm not here to deliver any pizza!" The boy said.
"Then are you here to see us defeat the Super Saiyan?" Frieza asked, "You have heard about the one über-powerful Saiyan who saved Namek right?"
"No, you made a mistake," The boy said.
"What? Not paying you for your petty display of swordsmanship?" King Cold said, "I did not know that was one word, I thought it was three…swords…man…ship…swordsmanship…huh."
"No, your mistake was thinking there was only Super Saiyan," The boy said, "When there's another one right here?"
"Nope, them Saiyans in the bleachers are pretty far away," Frieza said.
"No, I am a Super Saiyan," The boy said, "HHH-YAH!"
Instantly, he was covered in a golden glowing aura and his hair stood on end. Man, I am so BA, the boy thought to himself. "Holy Jesus," Frieza muttered.
"So this is a Super Saiyan?" King Cold said.
The boy pulled out a gun. "Oh boy," Frieza said.
"DIE!" The boy said, firing the shotgun at Frieza exploding his head into a million pieces.
King Cold backed up from the boy as he carefully dusted Frieza brain off his shoulder. The Boy shoved the barrel of the gun at King Cold's face. King Cold struggled for breath out of fear. The Boy squeezed the trigger…click… The Boy chuckled, but King Cold was still too scared to talk.
"Do you like Ba-naa-naas?" The Boy asked, producing a banana from his jumpsuit.
"I think it's pronounced bananas," King Cold said, "Tasty, healthy, high in potassium."
The boy quickly finished off the banana and tossed the peel behind him. "Oh yes, all that rich potassiumee-ee-ee goodness," The boy said. He quickly got behind King Cold, "But you know what else it's good for?" the boy asked.
"No," King Cold said, turning to confront the Boy.
The Boy smiled and walked forward, provoking King Cold to back-up. The Boy shoved him backward, causing King Cold to slip on the banana. "It's also good for pranks!" The boy laughed.
"What the?!" King Cold said, trying to get up.
"Don't bother getting up, I'm going to kill you," The boy said. He went through a series of bizarre hand gestures before a ball of energy formed on his palms. "BLAZING BUTTERBALL!" He said, firing the ball of energy onto King Cold, killing him instantly.
"Blazing butterball?" He repeated, "That's a horrible name. But I suppose it's better than 'Finish Buster' or 'Burning Attack."
The Boy looked up and saw the Z-fighters. "Oh crud," he muttered, "They musta seen the entire thing."
He walked forward and then shouted: "Hey I'm going to where Kaka-I mean Son Goku is landing! Won't you join me?"
The Z-fighters looked at each other skeptically and wondered if they should follow him or not. "Won't you join me? Won't you join me?" He quietly repeated to himself, "That's so lame sounding. 'Hey I'm going to go see Kakar-SON GOKU! You can come with me or never see him again…Gah, is there even a right way of saiyan that? Oh yeah, I just made a pun!"
In the next exciting episode of NOT Dragonball Z…
Goku is finally home but who is this weird little Super Saiyan with the sword and purple hair. More to the point does anyone actually give a damn? Find out next time on NOT Dragonball Z!
[Da-da-da-dun-dun-da-da-da-da-dun-da-da-dun!]