Delusions
Summary: Because my mind is set on torturing Red Alert with angst and not letting me sleep. A continuation of Qui Vive, set after he's had his grand mal in Autoberserk. (I refer to these two stories together and any supplemental information related as the Loss series).
A/N: I base the majority of Red's feelings on things that I have experienced in the past via panic attack, though thankfully I don't hear voices in my head. But seriously, anytime you say "The blanket's too thick but it's too thin!" and mean it, you know something's very very wrong. I also include the soundtrack which corresponds to this: DesertCastle./Loss
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"Hey Red, want to grab a cube of energon?"
Red Alert looked up from his computer terminal, that voice, her heavenly voice- But it wasn't hers, and he responded curtly to Inferno, "I've got another hour left on my shift, I need all of my attention so as for nothing to slip past."
Inferno looked sadly at Red Alert and nodded. He'd noticed that after Red Alert had his processors knocked two ways from Sunday that he had never really recovered fully. While he was a bit paranoid beforehand, afterwards he had gotten a bit… excessive. He wanted to help his friend, he worried for him because it just wasn't healthy to act in such a way and eventually it was going to catch up with him.
--
"Hey Red, is the screen to the bottom left of the radar normally blinking orange?"
Red Alert maximized the screen and took note of the anomaly in the logs, it was a reminder to change the passcodes for the wing of the base which Wheeljack's lab was in. After quickly changing the passcodes and sending an encrypted email to the inventor notifying him of the change he looked back to the radar and said quietly, "Thanks." She would occasionally help him out like that, drawing attention to something or waking him up on the off chance he had fallen asleep at his terminal.
He was so happy that she was back. If only she would not run off and hide after speaking to him. But she had always been a bit on the silly side and he simply chalked it up to that...
...
"Red, you need to recharge, you're nodding off at the terminal again!"
He bolted upright, quickly checking and double checking every pixel and data packet on the screen. He'd been inactive for about seven minutes and forty three seconds, completely inexcusable in his opinion as that was more than enough time for any ill willed enemy to plant a virus somewhere in the Ark's computer network or even sneak onto the base and initiate an assault. His head began to spin at all the horrible possibilities, his systems alerted him that several neural circuits were at alarmingly high heat levels but he had more important things to worry about.
But his mind began to settle and his circuits cool when he heard a light giggle. "Do you think I wouldn't cover for you? Honestly, Red, I thought you knew me better." Of course she would cover for him, she was responsible and knew that the Ark's and everyone aboard's safety was paramount. Though it did make him wonder why she let him slip into standby for so long, he turned around in his chair intent on posing this quandary to her but she had once again disappeared!
He felt a light brushing on his shoulder, as subtle as the breeze from an air conditioning vent before she whispered in his ear, "Your shift should end in a few microcycles, recharge in your downtime." She shifted from his left shoulder to his right. "You'll be exponentially more efficient in catching errors when you start your next shift." He sat solidly still, not used to the contact, but when his optics snuck a glance at the chronometer on the desktop he saw that it was 4:59am in the Earth's time and that his shift was indeed a fraction of time away from being over. She leaned in closer to his ear than ever before. "And get a cube or two of energon, I can tell you're almost running on empty. Its no fun running on fumes, Red."
--
"Did you see Red Alert today? He was talking to himself again!" Cliffjumper moaned over his cube of energon.
Huffer nodded. "We've got no hope with a Security Director whose gone crazy." He looked down at his still full cube. "No hope at all."
They weren't expecting a large fist to slam down on their table. "Red's the best o' the best when it comes to security, don't y'all ever doubt that again!" Needless to say, Inferno had overheard their conversation and was greatly displeased by the comments. "He's a good bot, and works twice as hard as the lot of ya." Inferno gave them one last steely glare before continuing on his way out of the recreational room.
"Twice the work of two bots, but its still done by a set of fried processors so who the pit knows what he's let slip. The fragger is a detriment." Huffer complained, the other Autobots in the room chose to ignore the comment as they couldn't truly defend the jittery bot as he was quite clearly crazy. But he had his spark in the right place, and as of yet there hadn't been too many incidents while Red Alert was keeping an eye out for them.
--
She was right, his processing levels did seem to have become more functional after a good solid block of recharge and a cube of energon. It was early in the morning once again, he always took the 4am to noon or 2am to 10am shifts as the other mechs were far too likely to fall into recharge, it was quite an unlively time. But it was even more important to keep fully alert during these times as the enemy would know this to be a very advantageous time to attack.
"But even if they attack you'll have everyone up in arms long before they do any damage. You're always here for us."
A smile crept its way onto his facial plates. She was one of the kindest bots he'd ever met, he was so glad that she hadn't gone offline, he thought she had but then she had popped up again here on earth. He was just so happy that she had recovered, the plucky little thing was simply amazing for surviving that. "You're a flatterer."
She came close behind him and giggled, "I know, Red, but it's the truth." He had learned to not try and turn to see her, she would show herself when she wished he was sure. She had been rather shy since the first day he had met her and there was a good possibility that the field medics who had brought her back hadn't been the best at cosmetic repairs. He really didn't care if she hadn't been able to get such trivial things as that fixed, he was just glad to have her companionship again. "We can always count on you Red."
He looked to the ground as he kept walking towards the surveillance center. He wished that were true. If he had been there for her she wouldn't be afraid to show herself.
If he hadn't failed her-
If he weren't a failure-
He failed-
He was going to fail again-
He-
He-
"Red!" Slowly Red Alert began to regain his senses, he looked at the mech who had his hands firmly planted on his shoulders. "Ya okay there partner?" Inferno seemed concerned. Why would he be concerned, what had happened just a moment ago?
Red nodded, if there was one mech on the base that he felt he could possibly trust, it was Inferno. "I think one of my processors just skipped for a moment, I'm sure its nothing." But then again, he shouldn't expose more of his weaknesses than necessary, he still wasn't quite sure where the Autobots stood and as to who his true allies were... other than her. He figured that his answer would be enough to get Inferno to stop questioning him.
Inferno's brow ridge bent into a furrow as he gave Red what he figured to be a reassuring shoulder squeeze. "You should let the good doctor make sure its nothing, we're hear for ya, got it?"
Red Alert nodded and Inferno continued on his way, away from the surveillance center, Red pushed on as he was intent to not be even an astrosecond late. Punching in his clearance code, he emptied his exhaust vents in what humans would refer to as a sigh. He just hoped that she would come and visit him during his shift again.
--
Inferno was very concerned for Red Alert, his seizures had gotten so bad he had stopped trying to hide their existence and now was trying to pass them off as something as trivial as a loose bolt. Red was one of his best friends, they'd joined the Autobots around the same time and had been assigned to all the same units. They were connected. But his connection to Red Alert was eroding, corrupted by the mania that was ravaging the security officer's circuits. He was losing his best friend to an unnamed malady, a specter, an anomaly within his central processing unit.
But he didn't know what to do to help Red, as far as he knew there was nothing that could be done to reverse or even halt the degradation of his friend's sanity.
He couldn't admit that his friend was completely lost though, he would never believe such a horrible thing.
--
09:59
It was completely empty. She hadn't visited him his past few shifts and he missed her. While he was used to working alone for long periods of time, he was beginning to feel lonely without her company on the long quiet early morning shifts. But the part he dreaded the most would be upon him within seconds with the coming of the second morning shift and the sudden switch to a crowded and busy room that comes with the start of the day.
Watching the small chronometer on his terminal he dreaded the approaching two hours until his shift was over. At ten o'clock on the dot a flurry of activity rushed in and the previously empty terminals around him filled with mechs who were chatting about various things. He sat stone still as the day's work began, he still had a job to do but he always had trouble adjusting to having so many bots around him, so many bots he couldn't trust. So much going on around him, he was having more trouble than usual coping this morning.
It was all closing in on him, the feeling of absolute hopelessness; he couldn't trust anyone! Insignias meant nothing, absolutely nothing! There was a cacophony of muddy input data surrounding him, he couldn't make sense of a bit of it, he was certain that there were voices but the way they twisted about his processors, writhing around his translating devices, none of it made sense, nothing at all made sense, even the coloration of things he had memorized from his vorns on the ship had switched, the burnt orange was corrupted though he knew that it must be the same burnt orange it had always been. It wouldn't be logical for it to change, he had looked at it not a few breems before and it HAD been the same, everything had been.
Or had it?
Were things changing or weren't they, if only the swiftly shifting mass around him would cease in its tarrying and give him a moments peace to think.
But that wasn't what they wanted was it?! No, they were scrambling his processing units, maligning his sensory units so that he would be unable to react quickly. They were out to get him, he'd known it all along but he had believed the conniving sons of glitches after the first time he'd began to unravel their dastardly plot. Everyone was in on it, everyone was privy to this little game except him. Was he the target though? He understood he played a vital role to the Autobot cause, he guarded all of the information systems, if he was taken out then any of them could wiggle their way into the network and then utter disaster would surely befall his comrades!
Comrades... What comrades had he, they had a name. Or was that the name of the pretenders, the ones who wanted to use him, tool him to their purpose. If he was not strong against their assault, they would surely prevail and the everything would be lost.
Lost.
Once again he was losing everything that had become dear.
Once again it was his own fault for not being perceptive enough.
He clutched his head, folding in upon himself in a last grasp at some defense against the storm raging about him. But there was no safety, there was no anchor for him to cling to as the overloaded circuits reached a new point, becoming soft and frail from the extreme and repeated heat of over use. "Solas, forgive me, save my wretched spark!"
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Lily: By the by, if anyone wants to Beta for me, I'd really appreciate it. :D