A/N: I got the idea for this after listening to Snow Patrol's song by the same title. I instantly thought of Lily and Severus when I heard it. I'm going to try to keep it cannon and it's going to go from immediately following the scene we see in the OOTP chapter Snape's Worst Memory up to the first book with Harry's arrival at Hogwarts. Starts off in Severus's POV but might visit Lily's POV in later chapters. Let me know what you think. Hope you enjoy.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything even remotely relating to the world of Harry Potter.
Oh, Merlin. What have I done? Why did I say that? I didn't mean it. She must know that. Lily knows I didn't mean it, right? Oh no…she's crying…what have I done? I run after her, all my thoughts about Potter and his stupid friends being pushed aside for now. I finally catch up to her as she's running in the direction of Gryffindor tower.
"Lily, wait, please." I plead with her. She turns towards me, tears streaming down her face.
"I have nothing to say you Severus," she says in a barely auidable voice.
"Lily, please," I grab her hand to prevent her running away.
"Please, just listen to me. I'm sorry. Please don't turn this into something it's not. I know it was wrong, it was stupid, I know. I'm sorry. But, I didn't mean it, you know I didn't."
I knew I had immediately said the wrong thing. Her eyes widened and she wrenched her hand from my grasp.
"Don't turn this into something it's not?! You called me a mudblood, Severus. And in front of everyone! You humiliated me! I thought I meant more to you, I thought you loved me! If you didn't mean it, why did you say it? Is that what you really think of me, Severus? You think I'm below you and all your new little friends?"
Her words stung as if she had slapped me, I had never thought of Lily as a mudblood, I didn't mean to call her that, I didn't mean to call her anything. It just slipped out. I do love her, she's the only brightness in my entire pathetic dim life. She was my first friend and the only girl I've ever loved. She's the only one for me. She has to know I didn't mean it. It was just a mistake, besides we both agreed it would best if we kept our romance under wraps. Our friendship alone hadn't been well tolerated to say the least, ever in all the years we've attended Hogwarts. I didn't mean for the word 'mudblood' to slip out just to say I didn't need her help. I don't know why it came out, I've never and will never think of her that way.
"Lily, please, please. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. It just kind of slipped out; you know we can't tell anyone about us, I didn't mean it. You must believe me."
"It slipped out? It just slipped out; you're referring to me as a mudblood just kind of slipped out did it? You know what? I don't need this, leave me alone Severus, I don't want to talk to you, in fact you know what? We're done. I should have known this would happen especially when the guy who's supposed to be my boyfriend wanted to hide our relationship from everyone, what kind of love is that? I should have known you were really ashamed of me all along and that that's how you think of me. Well, thank you for showing me your true feelings."
"Lily," I reached her hand again and she shoved it away. "Lily, please, just listen to me." She glared at me and crossed her arms but she didn't run away from me so I continued. "I know it was wrong, and I don't think of you that way you know I've never thought of you like that. You're one of the most talented witches I know; you're the best in our year. I do love you, it's just safer for us both to keep our relationship low key, and you've seen how our friendship has been tolerated over the years. Potter and Black hex me sometimes just for talking to you. You're right, all the guys I've been hanging out with lately have been bad for me, they're not my real friends, and you've been right all along about them. I don't even like hanging around them, I'm going to stop ok? I promise."
"You said that last week, Severus. You said last week that you were going to stop hanging around them and it hasn't happened yet. The only reason you spend any time with them is because they offer you extra protection from everyone else. Oh yeah, and you are and have always been intrigued by the dark arts! You shouldn't be meddling in stuff like that Severus, especially with Voldemort's power growing. Do you want to be in league with someone like him? Because that's exactly where this little gang is going to get you. Also, I've always stood up for you, you're not the only one here who's gotten less than appreciative feedback from our friendship. I get picked on and hurt too, but you know what? I've never let it get to me because I loved you, you were my friend before we even came to Hogwarts."
"Yeah well, you know what Lily? While yeah, you've been picked on for being my friend from day one, you haven't had to endure all the hexes I have for being friends with you. Or received numerous detentions for retaliating when it was usually Potter or Black who hexed me first while they found some conniving way to sweet talk their way into a lesser punishment or out of it completely, no one's hung you upside down and showed your knickers to the entire class just for existing, not to mention what Potter's done to me because you've always rather hang around me and not give him the time of day. Every time I try to fight back I just get in more trouble and they get off almost scott-free every bloody time and it's not fair! And no, I don't want to be on the dark side! I don't want to follow the dark Lord and you should know that! You should know me better; you should know I would never do that. And I promise this time I really will stop hanging out with all of them. I swear I will! Please, I don't want to loose you."
"Can't you hear yourself? You just called him the dark Lord. What's with you if you don't want to follow him why are you calling him that?!"
"I don't want to follow him! I've just…I've just gotten so used to hearing everyone else refer to him as that it, it, it just…"
"Slipped out? It just slipped out?"
I couldn't say anything. I simply hung my head and tried my best to choke back the tears that were threatening to fall. What had happened to me?
"Seems a lot of stuff you say lately is just slipping out. I knew this was what would happen when you found all your new little friends. They've been encouraging you to stop being with me haven't they?"
I didn't say anything, I couldn't. I just stood there, like an idiot.
"Well? Haven't they?! I heard them talking to you the other day that you needed to stop following 'that mudblood Evans around everywhere like some sick puppy dog'. Don't deny it, they've been trying to get you to stop talking to me altogether haven't they?"
My throat was stuck; I couldn't do anything but nod my head. 'I've lost her.' I thought, 'I've lost her.'
She stepped away from me, shaking her head in disgust.
"I can't believe you, Severus, I don't know who you are anymore, you definitely are not the boy I became friends with all those summers ago."
She turned and ran in the direction of the Gryffindor tower and I didn't stop her. I was rooted to the spot. I couldn't think straight, I had lost everything good in my life with the useage of one word. I don't know how I can make this up to her. I've got to find a way. I've never felt worse in my entire life than I do right now. I made the only person I've ever loved, cry. Not only did I make her cry, I made her hate me. I've got to find a way to fix this. A way to make it up to her, I turned and made my way to the Slytherin dormitories without even really realizing where my feet were taking me. I walked into the common room, without even bothering to look up or stop when all of my new 'friends' rushed to me, congratulating me on calling Lily what I did and making her cry. I just walked through the group of 'friends', and ignored the pats on the back. In fact, at the moment I would have loved to hex their arms off, I thought with a sneer. I went straight to my bed and closed the curtains around it. I cast a charm to make sure no one would open them and put a silencing charm on them as well. Then, I cried as I hadn't cried since I was a very small child.