Disclaimer: Hakuna Matata. What a wonderful phrase. Hakuna Matata. Ain't no passin' craze! It means no worries, I don't own HP.
A/N: This is the result of a late night IM conversation I had with my dear friend, Mouskadiddle. Hope you enjoy it as much as she did. Please be advised: It's a parody! It is NOT meant to be taken seriously, even though it is not even half as dirty as some of the other R-rated stuff here on Just read it, it's super-short, have a good laugh.
Oh, before you read, though, please turn to page 183 of the Goblet of Fire, and read the line near the top of the page that begins with " 'Treacle tart, Hermione!' said Ron......" Mouskadiddle and I are American, and very very immature (especially in the wee hours of the morning), so we found the next thing he says to be extremely amusing. I'm letting you know because I use that in here. Oh, also, Oliver Wood is referred to as Biggerstaff, because, again, my insane friend and I find it beyond hilarious.
Woops, one more thing. The end (and the title) are based on this joke from , about Hufflepuffs being really dirty, and the Hufflepuff Common Room being the center cough activities....at Hogwarts. Hehe.
Enjoy. Evil grin
The Hufflepuff Common Room
(Orignially entitled: The Hufflepuff Orgasm)By S. P. Potterhead
Harry sat down next to Neville at the Gryffindor table. After 20 minutes, he began to get worried, since Hermione and Ron had promised to meet him before the Quidditch game against Slytherin. How could they do this to me? Harry wondered. I'm so damn alone. My parents left me, Sirius left me, Cho left me, and now my two best friends have abandoned me as well.
ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANST
Just as Harry was about to get up and go....er....polish his wand in Moaning Myrtle's stall, Hermione and Ron dashed into the hall, out of breath.
"Oh, Harry, I'm so sorry we're late!" Hermione gasped.
"Yeah, Harry, we....er....overslept?" Ron glanced at Hermione out of the corner of his eye.
Hermione turned a darker shade of scarlet than even the Gryffindor crest and averted her gaze. Ron looked away quickly as well and coughed.
"What is with you guys? Is there something you need to tell me?" Harry said. "Now that I think of it....Ron, where were you this morning? The curtains around your four poster were open, but you weren't in it. What's going on?"
"Well...I, uh, I snuck down to visit Dobby and get something to eat. I was really hungry, that's all," Ron gulped."Then why did you say you overslept?" Harry demanded.
"Oh...er...I guess I fell asleep in the kitchen. Yeah. I drank some milk, and then I sat down and Dobby started droning on and on about something he....er...did with Winky (a/n: DIRTY! Hehe), and I just couldn't keep my eyes open."
"Oh. Fine," said Harry. At that moment, Lavender Brown came up to Hermione, swaying her hips in a slutty fashion, because she was, after all, the Official Slut of Gryffindor. (a/n: there is ALWAYS a slut in certain types of fics!)
"Hey, you left your Ancient Runes homework in the common room. I was going to give it to you this morning in the dormitory, but you weren't in bed. Where were you, anyway?"
"Oh. I...er...had to go to the library really early to look something up," Hermione stammered."Oh, alright, see you later then," Lavender said as she walked away, again shaking her hips sluttily.
"Ha, that sounds JUST like something you would do, Hermione," Harry teased.
"Yeah...sure....always....early research sessions," Hermione said, looking at Ron slyly.
The three friends sat down at the table. Things seemed to turn as normal as was possible for the next 5 or so minutes, until -
"Hey, was that your foot, Hermione?" Harry exclaimed, giving her a look. "I just felt something rubbing against my calves!" Ron choked on the spotted dick he was eating and looked at Hermione.
"Uh...uh...er....no, it must have been Mrs. Norris or something."
"Oh, alright then." Hermione slid over so she was more directly in front of Ron.
"Ron, why are eating that spotted dick now? Don't you know that spotted dick is a British dessert, not a breakfast food?"
"Yes, Hermione, I know that you like your spotted dick late at night, after dinner." Hermione giggled.
"I definitely do. Ron...do you think we could have some spotted dick tonight?" Ron gulped loudly.
"Bloody hell yes."
Harry looked from Hermione to Ron quickly. "Well, I prefer some nice treacle tart myself." Hermione and Ron quickly looked away from each other, realizing Harry was there."Oh, yes, that's good, too," Hermione mumbled.
THE
NEXT DAY
ANGST ANGST ANGSTHarry put his head in his hands and started wailing. Just then, Hermione and Ron burst in.
"Oh Harry, are you alright?" Hermione pleaded. Biggerstaff walked over to see what was going on.
"Great work, yesterday, Potter. I'm surprised. You managed to perform spectacularly. I thought you would have your mind on, well, other things, considering your two best friends are BOOM CHICKA BOOM BOOM BOOMing each other." Biggerstaff grinned as he punched Harry playfully in the arm.
"Wha - ?" Harry began to ask, but Hermione interrupted him.
"Oh, yes, haha, that's right. Remember that new game Fred and George invented? The one where the little er....live...pieces run around shouting Boom boom?"
Ron jumped in, "Oh, yes, haha, that's jolly good fun." Biggerstaff's jaw dropped open.
"Dudes....you mean.....you haven't told him?"
"Told me what?"
"Sheesh.....I don't even GO here anymore, and I know about it. I just came to watch the Gryffindor Slytherin match. I had time off, if you were wondering." (a/n: Yeah...why WOULD he be there? Some authors like to randomly insert characters even if they've already graduated!)
"Sean, please," Hermione pleaded.
"Hey, my name is OLIVER, thank you very much.""Oh, right, sorry.""You guys better tell the truth," Oliver said over his shoulder as he walked away.
Harry looked madly from Ron to Hermione. "WHAT is going on, please, SOMEBODY tell me!" After a moment, Ron sighed.
"We gotta tell him, sweetpea."
"Oh, I suppose you're right," Hermione said.
"SWEETpea?" Harry yelled.
"Well, here's the info, Harry. Ron and I have been bonking each other since the first day of Hogwarts," Hermione said. Harry looked at Hermione. Hermione looked at Harry. Harry looked at Ron. Ron looked at – oh forget it, you get the picture.
"Oh, really?"
"Are you....mad?" Ron asked timidly.
"No, that's so HOT!" Harry exclaimed.
"Really, you think so?" Hermione gasped. Just then, Ginny Weasley came bounding into the hall. And man-oh-manischewitz, was she HOT.
"Hey, Harry, GIANT orgy in the Hufflepuff common room! It will be like what we were doing last night, only with HUFFLEPUFFS!" Ron gasped and looked from Harry to Ginny.
"You...her....my SISTER?" he whispered.
"Sorry, Ron, we meant to tell you. Hey, you guys up for a mega-orgasm?"
"Bloody hell yeah, " Hermione shouted.
"Hey, you stole my line!" Ron said playfully, as the four more-than-just-friends ran to join the orgy. And they all lived orgasmically ever after.
THE END.
Haha. Hope you enjoyed. Review, please, and maybe I'll write more parodies! Well, I will, either way, but if you review......I'll give you 10 magic beans. When you plant these beans, a huge vine will grow out of the ground. Climb up the vine, and you'll find P. Diddy's house there. Yes, P. Diddy. You will enter P. Diddy's house, and steal the Pimp Goose. Haha, get it? Get it? Pimp Goose – goose pimples – hahahaha. Then P. Diddy will send his henchmen after you, and you will come running back to your computer in terror to read my fanfics. What, not a good prize for reviewing?