Just a little something I whipped up on Sunday while on a plane.
This is a oneshot I did based on a story my fellow Fanfiction friend Punk Rock Kitsune posted last week.
Title: Sizzling Buns
Rating: M
Warning: This is a parody. Just so it's clear, I did get permission to make this parody so it's all in good fun. Oh, and obscure references inbound!
Disclaimer: I don't own SnK or Titan Sized Hotdog. Credit goes to Hajima Isayama and Punk Rock Kitsune, respectively.
Summary: After a long day of attending classes, Levi wants something tasty to eat. After visiting a hotdog place Hanji suggested to him, Levi might be hungry for a different kind of sausage in a bun.
Shiganshina University, Home of the Titans!
Levi stared at the corny, joke of a school banner as he tapped his foot impatiently, waiting for his three o'clock organic chemistry class to finally end. His teacher was droning on and on about the exam she had just passed back.
Levi's grades didn't satisfy him very much. It was his final year in college and he couldn't afford to get C's on important exams. He tucked some his short, black hair behind his ear, sighing.
As soon as the clock hit 3:50 the tiny, 5'3 senior stood up and walked out with his black backpack.
"Hey wait!" The loud voice of his friend Hanji Zoe called out.
Levi slowed his pace until the brunette caught up with him.
"So, what'd you think of the exam? How'd you do on it?" Hanji asked, leadingly.
"I don't really wanna talk about it." Levi muttered. After a pause, he sighed and asked, "How did you do, Hanji?"
She smirked at Levi's annoyed expression. "I got an A on her exam!" Hanji squealed in delight while poking the shorter student's arm playfully.
"Well good for you." Levi stated sarcastically. "You know, if you wanna tell me what score you got you can just tell me. She marked off points because I didn't complete the problems her way. It's stupid. As long as I get the right answer, it shouldn't matter how I got it." Levi rolled his eyes. "Whatever, I'm hungry. Wanna go to the dining hall with me?"
"Sorry, can't." Hanji replied, regrettably. "I have my chemistry lab at four-thirty today. But, I don't want you to have to go to the dining hall and stomach that horrible food all by yourself. Ooh! There's this new hotdog place by the student center. The one that's been under construction for months! You should totally go there!"
Hanji fumbled around in the backpack as the elevator door opened. "I have a flyer in here somewhere…"
"Hanji, hurry up! You're gonna be late for class!" Levi scoffed, trying to push Hanji inside the elevator.
Hanji, spotting a butterfly passing by, held her ground firmly. It floated briefly in front of her face, almost landing on her nose. With a quick snap, Hanji lurched forward and ate the butterfly in one bite. Hanji and Levi quickly jumped inside right before the door closed. As soon as the pair got in, the elevator closed and began its descent to the first floor.
"Why are you so excited about class? It's only for me. Anyway, here it is!" Hanji shoved the folded pamphlet in Levi's face. "It's called Shiganshina's Sausages, home of the Titan Hotdog!"
Still reeling from Hanji's sudden butterfly biting, Levi composes himself and says, "…catchy. I can't imagine how much creativity went into that." Opening the pamphlet he asks, "And how exactly is some greasy hotdog canteen going to be better than the dining hall?"
"Well, for starters, that greasy canteen serves nothing but wieners, which might satisfy you after that grade you just got." Hanji sneered.
"Oh ha-ha I like men." Levi said as he lightly punched Hanji's arm. "Cheeky shit aside…"
"Fine!" Hanji huffed, rubbing her arm. "Anyway, I hear it's pretty good. They've only been open for a week, and everyone says that the food isn't half bad for the price, including Erwin. But, I think he said that a lot of people were eating there just so they could look at the canteen's mascot guy."
Raising an eybrow Levi said, "You mean the guy in a costume dancing around like a speed junkie with a sign? Oh please."
"I dunno Levi. If you're looking for a sausage in a bun then he might be able to get that for you." Hanji winked at him.
"I don't follow." Levi answered bluntly.
"You know… he might have some chili to put on your dog." Hanji winked at him.
"Eh?."
"Don't you wanna check out those sizzling buns he's got?"
"Hanji, why would I wanna eat nothing but bread?" Levi asked, genuinely confused by Hanji's remarks.
"Dammit, Levi! Just go to the Hotdog place!"
Levi strode to the huge student center. As the crisp wind whipped across his face he pulled up the hood of his grey jacket and stuffed his hands into his pockets.
As Levi approached the student center, a group of freshmen walked past him, laughing and joking around with each other. How did he know they were freshmen? Almost all of them were wearing Shiganshina University apparel. Only freshmen all wear that shit at the same time.
Levi sighed at the group's passing, thinking on the last four years he spent at college.
I've been going to Shiganshina University this whole time but nothing's really caught my interest. Sure, the parties were absolutely wild and the friends I've made will probably be with me forever. But, I want more. I can't help but feel like something's missing. I just hope I find it before I graduate.
Levi removed his hood before entering the student center. He shrugged off his backpack to retrieve his wallet. Putting it in his pants, Levi resumed his short journey to Shiganshina's Sausages. After five minutes, he saw the lit up sign for the canteen.
And then he saw him. Levi almost ignored the ridiculous looking hotdog costume he was in as he stared into his green eyes. Almost.
Standing between Levi and Shiganshina's Sausages was a brunette a few inches taller than him. He was smiling rather tackily as he held up a white sign that said, 'Try our new Titan Hotdogs!' in bold, black lettering. There seemed to be a sparkle in him that Levi hadn't seen before.
The yet to be named kid in the hotdog costume made eye contact with the man. His toothy smiled widened further. "Welcome to Shiganshina's Sausages!"
If the kid hadn't said something so unattractive he would have swooned at his voice.
"…thanks." Levi replied using a slightly flirtatious tone.
The brown-haired boy looked away, trying to hide his blushing face. Smirking, Levi gave the boy a last once over before walking inside. There's no way he's passing up that delicious piece of eye candy. He devised an ingenious plan in his head. Well, maybe it wasn't quite ingenious; shaky, at best and illegal at worst, but it was his last year and his only chance to do something this crazy.
I might get a hotdog after all, but not any from the menu. He sneered inwardly.
Levi strolled up behind the only customer before him. It was a guy dressed in lots of SU apparel with spiky, blue hair. Levi was surprised to see someone shorter than himself for a change but he was clearly a freshman so it didn't mean much.
"Chilidog." The blue haired punk said. He grabbed his order and dashed off to who knows where.
Weirdo. Levi mumbled to himself.
There were three students working behind the counter. He could see that two of them were guys with white aprons, one had sandy hair on top of a long face and the other one, who he could only see half of, had black hair and freckles. Both were cooking hotdogs in the back. The other one, a black-haired girl with black eyes stood behind the cash register in her pink and red uniform shirt and pink visor.
The 80s called, they want their outfits back. Levi thought to himself while stepping up to the counter.
"Welcome to Shiganshina's Sausages. What can I get you, sir?" The girl asked politely.
If he were someone else, his first instinct might be to scream, "Get No Scoped!" and shoot her in the face, but he really wasn't that kind of guy. Levi glanced at her nametag. It read 'Mikasa.'
"Well, Mikasa, that depends on how much it'll cost me." Levi said coyly, as he took out his wallet.
Confused, she said while pointing to the wall, "All of the prices are listed next to the items on the menu, sir."
"What I want isn't on the menu." Levi grinned, cunningly. "What I want is that hotdog standing outside." Levi said, pointing to the brunette outside.
"You mean Eren? Sorry sir, but we're not into human trafficking. You can't just buy him." Mikasa answered calmly.
"Oh, okay. Can I rent him, then?" Levi asked, surprised at her openness to his request.
"I don't see why not. That'll be sixty dollars an hour!" Mikasa proudly exclaimed.
Levi took three twenty dollar bills out of his wallet and slapped them onto the counter.
"Whoa, we're not playing slapjack, sir, no need to hit the counter so hard. Try not to break the merchandise either!" Mikasa shouted as Levi marched off to collect Eren.
Levi went over to Eren and grabbed his arm. "Well Eren, I hope you like free shipping cause I just bought you for over thirty dollars!"
"Wait, what?!" Eren was bewildered. "Ho- How do you know my name? What kinda shipping are you talking about?"
"Don't question things and follow me." Levi ordered. "You're the titan hotdog right? I'd like to give you a taste, so let's go."
Still confused but surprisingly okay with Levi's explanation and lack of any proof of purchase, Eren let himself get dragged away. Sure enough, the pair received some strange looks as they walked through the student center.
"So, what's your name?" Eren asked, being content with his arm in Levi's grip.
"The name is Levi, and I'm here to clean and suck meat, and I'm all out of clean." Levi proudly stated as he pulled Eren into the secluded basement area of the student center.
"That- that doesn't really make any sense. That wasn't even consistent with the tone already established." Eren said in protest.
"Take that costume off, brat." Levi commanded. "Whoever came up with the idea to have you dance around in a fallacy thing like that is a fucking weirdo."
"Whoa, no need to resort to name calling. Why are you so pissed off outta nowhere? And don't you mean a phallic thing? I'm pretty sure my hotdog costume doesn't constitute some sort of fallacy." Eren chided.
"No, I meant fallacy. What kind of writer makes jokes out of other people's small mistakes? Why ya gotta nickel and dime me? No true writer, that's what kinda writer does that." Levi answered.
"Oh! So it's a no true Scotsman fallacy!" The mascot boy said as he disrobed.
Eren quickly unzipped himself and shrugged the hotdog suit off without further complaint. After he did so, Eren stretched his arms, the action raising his sweater up. Levi didn't bother hiding his appreciation as he stared the teasing view of Eren's abs. How could he? He could iron his laundry on those babies; they were like cut stones!
"I hate being in that costume." Eren laughed, embarrassed. "I have to do it because-"
"You almost burned the place down. I know." Levi sniggered.
Eren sat down on the marble steps. "Wait, how?"
"What?" Levi jumped at the question.
"How'd you know that I almost burned down the place? The author wrote out the part where Jean indirectly explains it to you so how'd you know?" Eren wondered.
"W- well uhh… you know. Hey, well umm… I…" Levi paused for a moment, trying his best to find a way to change the subject. "Wow. You know, it's getting hot in here; I've got an idea. Let's get naked!"
"Oh yeah, you're right." Eren said, suddenly feeling a wave of heat overcome his senses. "Great idea, let's take off all of our clothes."
"Listen up, Eren. I paid sixty dollars to eat your hotdog, so you're giving it to me right now." Levi simpered.
The brunette's face beamed in anticipation, finally understanding why he'd been brought here. "All of the hotdogs are inside, you know."
"Oh, I want one in particular." Levi said suggestively. "My friend suggested that I try the Titan Hotdog, so I will. Let's hope yours lives up to the name."
Eren looked at Levi, his eyes filled with desire and turned away. He reached down and whipped out a real Titan Hotdog.
"Hmm, it doesn't disappoint." Levi said as he opened his mouth to engulf Eren's weiner.
"Wait." Eren interrupted. "Do you want any condiments on that?" He said as he pulled a bottle of relish from the pocket of the mascot outfit.
With an affirmative nod from Levi, Eren spread relish all over his hotdog before offering it up to Levi's mouth.
The succulent, juicy meat filled Levi's mouth as he took his first bite of the rather large and aptly named Titan Hotdog. Suddenly, he scrunched his face before turning his head towards Eren.
"Hang on, is this meat kosher? I thought most hotdogs were pork and, well, I am Jewish." Levi remarked.
"Don't worry." Eren winked. "My meat is nothing but cock."
"Your titan hotdog is pretty tasty by itself, but no hotdog is complete without the bun." Levi told the brunette. "And lucky for you, my buns are available."
He reaches for his sack and grabs a bag of buns. He gingerly sticks Eren's hotdog into one of his buns.
"I love a good hotdog in a bun." Eren says, coyly.
A few ecstatic mouthfuls later Levi had finished his meal. Eren sat and watched, happy to see his customer's satisfaction.
"When's your shift end?" Levi asked.
Eren sat up slightly so he could look into Levi's eyes. "I work Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, from one until four thirty. Why?"
"Because I really enjoyed eating with you today." Levi replied simply. "And we have to do something about Tuesdays, Thursdays, and the weekend. I guess I can just give you my phone number."
Eren's face lit up like a Christmas tree. "Really?"
"Yeah."
Hours Later
"Levi! Hey!" Hanji called.
Levi, Hanji, and Erwin met up later that night to hang out.
"So, how did you like Shiganshina's Sausages?" Hanji asked excitedly. Was it as good as they say? Or did you get a taste of that mascot boy's Titan Hotdog instead?"
Levi smirked. "Oh yeah! I got a taste of his hotdog alright."
Erwin somehow caught on immediately, but Hanji was still confused. "So you had a little one on one time with him huh?"
"What? No! I got a private audience with him while I ate his Titan Hotdog." Levi licked his lips.
Still confused, the brunette asked, "Wait, isn't that what I said? Just to make everything really clear, did you have sex with the mascot?"
"No, I didn't. We went to the basement, got naked, and he let me eat one of their Titan Hotdogs." Levi sneered. "And from the looks of it, I'll be having as many servings as I like."
"Oh." Hanji stated in a disappointed tone. "Umm… good for you, I guess."
Erwin chuckled at Hanji for thinking that she could set up two random people who knew almost nothing about each other so easily.
Looks like Levi found what he was looking for to make his life more worthwhile.
Fin
Deleted Scene: Polish Sausage
"Well, I shouldn't have all the fun. Maybe you'd like a taste of my polish sausage?" Levi suggested.
Eren's face lit up at the thought. With an affirmative nod from Eren, Levi whipped out his polish sausage and stuffed it right into Eren's mouth.
"Wow, this is great. I sure do love a good sausage!" Eren says as he takes a mouthful.
This is what happens when you stick me on a plane with wifi for seven hours. I actually wrote it up on Sunday but I never finished editing it until Friday.
Hope you enjoyed my parody of Titan Sized Hotdog! Sorry if you came here expecting some hardcore yaoi and didn't find it but you can always read the original if that's what you're looking for.
Please tell me what you thought! I'd really love some feedback!