Trigger Warnings; Self Harm, Character Death
Title is taken from the song of the same name by Mumford & Sons.
Blaine takes a hit and tries to disguise a deep, phlegmy cough with a laugh.
Kurt pays no attention. His eyes are closed and he's biting down hard on his lip so it bleeds.
Blaine hates this. He always promised himself he would never experiment with drugs, but this is what college is about, Kurt tells him. We explore. Kurt would never force him to do something he didn't want to do, but Blaine knows if he'd turned down the offer, he'd be sitting in his room, alone, waiting for Kurt to come over and climb into bed with him. And on top of that, he hates feeling like a child, and Kurt doesn't do it purposefully or with any harsh intentions, but he makes remarks that constantly remind Blaine that he's only a freshman.
We're still the same age, Blaine wants to say. It wouldn't matter anyway, so he keeps his lips shut, or rather, pressed up against the joint, breathing in as little as possible before passing it on to Kurt.
They are sitting on the floor in Kurt's bedroom, and Blaine just wants it to be over. It never lasts too long, but every time feels longer.
Kurt begins, as usual, opening his eyes and glaring at Blaine like an object or a kid, unworthy of his time. "What does it feel like to be alive?"
Blaine doesn't understand; he never does. Instead he squints his eyes and tries to look as if he is thinking hard about the question, giving Kurt time to formulate his own answer, and hopefully explain it without too much detail. When Kurt doesn't speak again, still staring him down, he figures he must say something.
"I guess it's just the senses. Seeing, touching, tasting," Blaine pauses, but Kurt wants more. "Breathing. Needing and wanting."
Kurt lets out a puff of smoke and his lips creep up into a sly smile. "You're so bad."
Blaine swallows his saliva and tries not to draw attention to the fact that he has been strategically avoiding taking another hit. "I, uh - what do you mean?"
"Wanting," Kurt mocks him, leaning back against the wall behind him and raising one knee off the ground. "You make it sound like I'm some thing." He tilts his head to the side, and Blaine wonders what his own facial expression is portraying at the moment, because even though he's trying to remain neutral, Kurt knows him too well.
"You were talking about me, right?" Kurt continues. "Needing and wanting me? What the fuck else do you need, Blaine?"
Blaine is speechless, even though he tries not to be. He looks down at his lap before Kurt says to forget it because it doesn't feel like anything to be alive.
Instead Kurt wants to know what it feels like to be dead. Or just dying perhaps. It surely can't be any different than this, he says.
Blaine looks back to Kurt who has his head tilted back, staring at the ceiling as if he is waiting for the answer to fall from the sky itself and crash through the roof and right into Kurt's apartment where he'll be able to light it up and smoke it as well as the diminishing joint.
"Dying would be fun," Kurt whispers, and Blaine doesn't want to hear him, but it's too late. Now he can't stop thinking about it.
The Lost Days. That's what they call the 365 days in which Kurt lived in New York, as a freshman at NYU, and Blaine was stuck in Ohio, finishing his senior year of high school and trying to keep up his perfect GPA in order to assure himself a spot for the upcoming class of the same University while constantly missing his boyfriend who lived 500 miles away. Blaine still resents those days, and as silly as it is, he resents his parents for keeping him back a year when everyone started Kindergarden by sending him to Christian prep school, especially now when everything he'd learned was long forgotten. It wasn't fair that he had been nineteen at his high school graduation. And it wasn't exactly his favorite thing to think about his very attractive boyfriend without him in New York.
They're together now, yes. Even though Blaine is required to stay in a dorm room for his first semester, and Kurt has found a rather nice apartment with some rather nice roommates that happens to be a bit of a ways from campus.
Blaine asks Kurt to live in the dorm with him, pretty please.
Kurt says he hates those fucking dorms, and besides, by getting an apartment now, Blaine won't be stressed in trying to find an affordable and reliable one when he should be focusing on his school work. Kurt is always looking out for Blaine.
The next day, they watch Titanic, cuddled up in Kurt's bed; the only light is projecting from Blaine's laptop that's resting on one thigh each. It's the longest they've been together without saying a word, and Blaine finds it weird that he notices this. They've watched plenty of movies together, but surely by the second hour, Kurt would have at least commented on the clothing or the dialogue or something. But now, he's just silent.
A sharp laugh escapes Kurt's lips when Jack dies. Blaine takes slow breaths and doesn't want to look over at his boyfriend, but he sees his reflection when the screen gets black for a split second. Kurt is smiling, almost devilishly, and Blaine doesn't want to believe it, but when he turns to look at him, Kurt bites his lip softly and winks.
The movie ends and Kurt presses a rough kiss to Blaine's mouth, and it stings. Blaine slides down the pillow so Kurt is above him, kissing him, running his hands though his thick hair.
Kurt pulls back suddenly and looks down at Blaine quizzically. "You wouldn't do that, would you?"
Blaine doesn't know what to say. He doesn't understand the question. "Do what?"
Kurt shakes his head and even though he's looking at Blaine, he seems distant. He brings himself back to the conversation. "Risk your life - to save me."
Blaine knows he would. He would do anything for Kurt in a heart beat, but that doesn't seem to be the answer that Kurt is looking for. "I-"
"Blaine," Kurt stresses. "Don't be an idiot. I don't want you to save me."
Blaine searches Kurt's eyes for any sign that he's joking, but they appear completely serious. He knows Kurt doesn't particularly need saving; he's been told that enough times to understand. But it doesn't make any sense.
Kurt's high-pitched, empty laugh rings again before he attacks Blaine's neck with his mouth. Blaine tries to focus on the biting and sucking, but he's dissociated himself from the situation. Because no matter how pleasurable it may be to have Kurt pressed up on top of him, he's thinking about Jack and Rose, and how even though neither really played the part of damsel in distress, they both needed saving. Blaine sure doesn't feel like a hero, but if need be, he would save Kurt. No question about it.
The out-of-place laugh echoes in his mind when he falls asleep that night.
When Kurt left for college, Blaine decided that nothing had ever felt so impossibly difficult. Kurt reminded him that it was only one year, but had broken down and cried in Blaine's arms the night before he left. They made love three times that night, and nothing could've been as bittersweet.
That was back when Blaine knew he could take care of Kurt, and Kurt let him.
They have one class together: Health and Wellness 101, and it is basically the same things they learned in high school. Blaine still tries to pay attention regardless of how much he already knows, but Kurt insists they sit in the back so he can sleep. 8 AM classes should burn in hell, he says.
A few days later, at the end of class, Blaine decides he has to talk about what has been on his mind for the majority of the week.
"Kurt," he begins, taking a deep breath and trying to get his boyfriend to look up at him from where he's typing away on his phone. "I think- I think we should talk."
"Shit," Kurt mumbles, and for a second Blaine thinks he's talking about him. "I totally forgot to write my European History paper! Do you think Jones will pass me if I give him a blowjob?"
"Um-" Blaine stutters and it's hard for him to form a complete thought. He bumps into a taller guy standing on the sidewalk and smoking a cigarette.
"Kidding!" Kurt rolls his eyes.
"Kurt, I really want to talk about what you said the other day."
Kurt stops walking and turns to look at him and he's suddenly the boy he fell in love with three years ago, if only for a moment.
Blaine takes a breath in and out before continuing. "When we were sitting in your bedroom, you, um, you told me that you think that being dead or, um, dying would be fun... I just wanna make sure that you, uh..."
Kurt breaks out into a laugh, throwing his head back as he bellows with laughter. "Blaine," he says, placing his hand on Blaine's shoulder. "We were high. You can't take anything I say serious when we're like that."
He doesn't completely believe it, but Blaine knows by now not to argue with Kurt. He fakes a smile and nods.
"Listen," Kurt smirks, sliding his hand down Blaine's arm and setting it on the small of his back. "Tomorrow's Friday, right? Well, I get out of class at four, so you should come over and we can fuck. Sound good?"
Something in Blaine's stomach churns, and he doesn't know if it's because Kurt is completely deflecting the conversation or because they are scheduling a time and place to have sex. He feels weak and bit used, but Kurt stares at him, biting his bottom lip and raising his eyebrows, and Blaine can't say anything but, "Yeah."
"Great," Kurt turns back to start walking again, Blaine following behind.
When Kurt had come home for Christmas break his freshman year, Blaine had begun to notice the changes. Kurt suddenly wanted to hang out at Blaine's house all the time, instead of spending time at his own home or at the Lima Bean or Breadstix. He had refused to talk about his grades or classes, but rather insisted on listening to Blaine talk about glee club. Blaine figured he just missed it a lot, but his comments were always back-handed and a little bitter.
For Christmas that year, Blaine had gotten Kurt a fairly expensive winter coat that Kurt seemed to love and admire, even though he never actually saw him wear it. Kurt, claiming the defense of a poor, college student, said that he definitely owed Blaine one, but in the meanwhile, he was going to give Blaine the best fuck of his life.
Blaine was disappointed, not because he ever expected something from Kurt, but because he always thought sex was something they shared, not something that could be given to one from the other. That was when sex had become a sort of object in their relationship, rather than a way to express the love they had for each other.
Not to mention, Blaine was actually a bit offended at how vulgar Kurt's vocabulary had become during his four months at college. He'd suspected a small change, but this had been more than he could've imagined.
Kurt never did get Blaine a Christmas present for that year, but Blaine never brings it up again.
On Friday evening, the two men lie naked, sticky, sweaty, and out of breath on Kurt's bed. Kurt has his eyes closed, and Blaine thinks he may be drifting off to sleep. Reaching his hand up, Blaine brushes his fingers across Kurt's jawline. It's not extremely noticeable, but Kurt flinches at the touch.
"I love you," Blaine whispers.
Kurt sighs and opens his eyes, turning to lie on his side so he can face Blaine. He's smiling, but his words have a vicious sharpness to them. "Let's not say that anymore."
"Huh?" Blaine wonders aloud. He has no idea what Kurt is trying to tell him.
"I mean," Kurt situates himself differently, hands reaching out to hold onto Blaine's, "it's really nice, but the words will lose their meaning, don't you think?"
Blaine definitely doesn't think that. He could tell Kurt he loved him a thousand, million times, and it would still be the most honest thing he could possibly say. He stays quiet and lets Kurt continue.
"Think about it like this. If we limit ourselves to saying... that once a week, then we'll be so excited when we do say it, it'll just make it mean even more. And we'll be so anxiously awaiting the other person to say it all week, we'll realize just how important it is."
Blaine still isn't convinced. "But I don't love you once a week, Kurt. I love you every day of every week-"
"I know," Kurt nods, his smile almost completely faded. "Just... do this for me."
And then there isn't any other option. Blaine has to do it; it's what Kurt wants. He nods.
"Good," Kurt grins again, letting go of Blaine's hands. "I'm gonna go take a shower and get ready to go out tonight. You wanna stay and pregame a little?"
Blaine decides not to and shakes his head. He says he has a big paper to write, and Kurt kisses his head before getting out of the bed and walking into his bathroom. Blaine lies there for a couple minutes wondering how anyone would ever want to be told they were loved only once a week. He still can't admit to himself that something might be seriously wrong with Kurt.
There was one time - The Incident, Blaine calls it in his head because he would never, ever talk about it with Kurt ever again - that Blaine was insanely worried about Kurt.
It was during summer break before Blaine would start college. He'd spent the day playing tennis with Tina and Quinn, but had plans to go to dinner with Kurt later on that night. Anxious to finally have a night out, he'd showed up at the Hummel-Hudson house earlier than scheduled, but when he went inside, there wasn't any sign that anyone was home.
Blaine went upstairs, checking in Kurt's bedroom and finding it empty. Finn wasn't in his room either, and Blaine was moments away from pulling out his phone to call Kurt when he heard a whisper in the bathroom at the end of the hall. Walking towards the closed door, he knocked and asked for Kurt.
There'd been a muttering of curses before Blaine realized that it was Kurt, and he opened the unlocked door.
Kurt told Blaine to get out, but it was too late. Blaine had seen the blood dripping down Kurt's wrist, a razor blade in Kurt's other hand. He'd been totally stunned, not knowing what was going on or what he should do about it. There was no way that Kurt was actually cutting himself.
Eventually, after tears and screaming and missing their dinner reservations, Kurt convinced Blaine that it was the only time he had ever done it and that it was just to see what all the hype was about. Blaine made him swear that he would never, ever, ever do that again, and Kurt promised and seemed honest about it.
For a straight month, Blaine constantly asked Kurt if he was okay and checked his wrists for any new cuts or scars. Nothing ever showed up, and Kurt one day said he was sick of Blaine treating him like a child, and he would have no more of him making sure he was okay all the time.
Blaine still checks now on occasion, discreetly of course. Kurt keeps his word.
Overall, it had just distanced the two from each other even more.
It's three in the morning when Blaine's phone rings, and he wakes up to answer it because it's Kurt, and despite their new rule, he's in love with Kurt. The line is loud when he picks up, and he can hear shouting and loud music in the background.
"Please don't be mad at me!" Kurt whines, so obviously drunk.
Blaine sighs and gets out of his bed. "Why would I be mad at you?"
"Blaine," Kurt slurs. It's not the first time he's called Blaine drunk, and Blaine knows he'll go and pick him up, wherever it is. "I can't hear you!"
"Where are you, Kurt?" Blaine speaks up, careful not to wake up his roommate.
"Oh my god," Kurt says, laughing. "When will girls just see I'm gay! I mean I am! I don't wanna fuck your vagina!"
Blaine pulls on some pants and throws a dirty t-shirt over his head while still holding the phone to his ear. Quickly he puts on a jacket and shoes and grabs his keys. As he leaves his room, he asks Kurt where he is again.
"I'm at a party, Blaine! And I," he hiccups, "am really drunk..."
"I know, Kurt," Blaine says calmly, sliding into his car. "Do you know where the party is?"
"Umm..." Kurt wonders, and Blaine is worried for a moment that he really doesn't know where he is. "Lafay Hall! Yeah, yeah! Cause Brent lives here! Hey Brent!"
Blaine breathes out and tells Kurt to stay where he is, and after a response of confirmation, he hangs up the phone. When he finally finds the dorm room that is throwing the party Kurt is at, he doesn't knock, but the door is unlocked so he goes in. The smell of alcohol and marijuana fill his nose, and he almost throws up, but manages to hold it in when he spots Kurt lying down on the couch atop a couple of people that are using his body as a table for their drinks. Kurt is laughing, causing most of the drinks to spill on him.
"Blaine!" Kurt exclaims when he sees him. "You came!"
"Yeah, are you ready to go?" Blaine asks, trying not to look around as if pretending he doesn't see anything will get him off the hook if the police walk through the door at that moment.
It's not that hard to get Kurt out to his car, but he smells terrible, and Blaine fights back his vomit. Kurt rambles on the way back to Blaine's room, and when they are safely inside with the door shut, he still won't stop talking. Blaine takes off Kurt's jeans, shoes and jacket until he is down to just his briefs.
"Blaine," Kurt whispers, trying to seem seductive, but he is too intoxicated to be very appealing. "Touch me, Blaine."
Blaine ignores him as he strips down to the same amount of clothes as Kurt, sitting down on his bed to remove his shoes.
"I did a very bad thing tonight, Blaine," Kurt slumps down behind him, leaning in closely and placing his lips inches from Blaine's neck.
Blaine is honestly concerned for a moment. He manages to convince himself in a few seconds that Kurt would never cheat on him, despite his recent worries that Kurt is doing that exactly. He might not want to say it anymore, but Kurt loves Blaine. He wouldn't be so stupid, no matter how drunk, to hook up with anyone else.
"Don't you wanna know what I did bad?" Kurt asks.
Blaine looks at him expectantly.
Kurt looks down and swirls his fingers around on Blaine's bare back. "Remember that picture I asked you to send me when you were on vacation with your family and I was at home and I was horny?"
Blaine did remember the picture. He had never thought he would ever take a nude picture, but Kurt had begged for it. He let Kurt continue.
"Remember how I was like I don't want anyone but you, Blaine. I never wanted to see even like porn on the Internet because they weren't you!"
Kurt's deflecting again, but Blaine is so nervous, he lets him.
"Well the picture is still, you know, on my phone because like what if you're in class or busy or something and I wanna get off?" Kurt still doesn't look in Blaine's eyes. "Well at the party, I was talking to some people - they don't know you - and I was like, my boyfriend is so hot, and they were like, nuh-uh. And so I had to show them, Blaine! They didn't believe me when I told them how sexy you are!"
Blaine is silent, half because he's so embarrassed and half because he's so angry at Kurt. He tells himself it's not so bad - he didn't even know the people - but he'd specifically told Kurt that it was to be a private picture. Kurt was to go to his grave with that photo.
"You hate me," Kurt whines quietly.
Blaine sighs deeply, but he doesn't hate Kurt. He will never hate Kurt. "No, I don't," he says, linking his fingers through Kurt's hands. "That's just- It kinda really sucks."
"On the upside, they think you're hot now," Kurt finally looks up to him and he looks like such a child: innocent, pure, unaffected by college.
"Kurt," Blaine begins, not really knowing what to do. "Let's just go to bed then."
"Okay," Kurt sighs and lies down on top of the sheets, his head hitting the pillow hard.
Blaine watches Kurt settle himself on his side before climbing behind him and wrapping his arms around him. Things could be worse, he tells himself.
"Blaine," Kurt whispers, almost asleep. "I'm sorry."
"I know," Blaine reaches his hand up to pet Kurt's hair. They fall asleep quickly and quietly.
Blaine thought it was his fault at first - the changes Kurt was going through. Kurt was growing up and experiencing life, and Blaine was holding him back, tying him to a place he no longer wanted anything to do with. He had to constantly remind himself that in 8 months... 5 months... 2 weeks... he would be with him in New York. There would be no more waiting. Just the two of them together, forever.
When Blaine finally - but really finally was an understatement - got to NYU, he expected his relationship with Kurt to go right back to normal: simple and real, and never perfect, but pretty damn close.
Within the first week of school, he saw this as a far-off dream. The only things Kurt had any interest in were drinking, smoking, and listening to music. But even though in high school, music had been vitally important to him, it wasn't the same. It was this sad, depressing, blue music that Kurt would cry over and say he wanted to be alone when he listened to it.
Blaine learned to adapt. He took a happy Kurt whenever he could get him, and he learned to do whatever Kurt asked of him, if only to make sure that he was happy. Blaine didn't realize how badly he was hurting himself because he was that in love with Kurt. Kurt came before his own needs every time.
To be honest, Blaine still felt guilty about all the things he'd messed up in the past. He'd taken so long to fall in love with Kurt when Kurt had done it on the very first day. He'd kissed Rachel at that party. He'd pressured him into almost losing his virginity in the back of the car. Some of that stuff, he knew he would never forgive himself for.
He denied any accusations from his father that it was unhealthy, but Kurt had become the single, most important thing in Blaine's life.
The scariest part of it all was that Blaine somehow figured he wasn't the most important thing in Kurt's life. Not anymore.
When the sun comes up and shines through the blinds in Blaine's room, he wakes up, but Kurt is no where to be seen. Figuring he must've taken a cab back to his apartment to take a shower and get some clean clothes on, Blaine falls back asleep.
The next time he wakes up, it's nearing mid-morning. He takes his time getting ready and works on some homework, but when it's past noon, and he still hasn't heard from Kurt, he worries a little. They don't have plans, but Kurt usually wants to hang out on the weekends, if not just to be in each other's company.
Deciding to drive to Kurt's place, Blaine gets in his car and heads off.
Kurt's car is outside when Blaine gets there, but no one else appears to be home. Taking the hidden key out from under the doormat, Blaine goes inside and walks back to Kurt's bedroom where the door is cracked open.
Kurt's not in his bed, but Blaine hears the shower on, so he relaxes a little and goes to the bathroom.
In the most twisted, sick, and disgusting sense of the word, it's kind of funny. Blaine's father's voice comes into his mind repeating the three things he constantly told Blaine while he was growing up.
"First off, there are billions of people living in the world that are more important than you," his dad would start off. "Secondly, there are billions of people way less important than you. Lastly, whatever you do in this life will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it." He would end with, "Gandhi said that last one, and I don't fuck with Indians that live that long."
The water from the shower head runs over Kurt's body, and Blaine despises that water more than anything in his entire life. He wonders how can it run like that, like nothing is wrong, when Kurt's neck is secured so tightly in that noose. When Kurt is hanging lifeless from the side of the shower. When Kurt isn't breathing.
Blaine runs over and wraps his arms around Kurt, shaking him, crying, screaming, swearing, getting that god forsaken water all over himself as well. Blaine yells and throws up and falls limp over the side of the tub.
One afternoon, and really it now feels like it was a different lifetime, in the summer before Blaine's junior year where he was on the verge of transferring to McKinley, Kurt decided he wanted to introduce Blaine to his mother.
Blaine had been nervous and anxious, but overall honored that Kurt felt he was close enough with him to show him something so personal.
They walked, silently and hand in hand, through the graveyard that Kurt's mother was buried in, and when they came across the tombstone, Kurt kneeled down to prop some flowers up next to the grave.
Blaine kneeled down next to Kurt and read 'Elizabeth Penelope Hummel, 1966-2001, Daughter, Mother, Wife, and Friend. A true beauty.' The grave was beautiful itself, covered in flowers and ribbons, and if that said anything about the person she'd been, she must've been an amazing and wonderful woman.
Kurt began talking to his mother, holding tight to Blaine's hand, introducing them and talking about how much he loved Blaine, and how important Blaine was to him, and really Blaine felt he was given too much credit. He didn't argue though.
They cried together and then left.
Blaine had never seen Kurt more beautiful, more alive than in that moment when he was talking to his deceased mother.
As Blaine cries himself dry, he thinks that maybe, hopefully Kurt was wrong. That there is a heaven. That Kurt is safe and happy there with his mother.
A month later, Blaine finds Kurt's final note. He still can't think of it as a suicide, even though that's what it ultimately was.
He's helping Kurt's family sort through some of his things when an envelope addressed to Blaine falls out of a pair of pants. He opens it up discreetly and reads the first line, but when he realizes what it is, he stuffs it into his pocket so he can read it later.
At home that night, Blaine sits down on his bed, takes the note of out the envelope and starts crying before he finishes the first sentence. He continues to read.
"Dear Blaine,
I love you.
I know you probably think I don't because of what I did, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. You are literally the only person I love... I've ever loved. I understand if you hate me or resent me, but I do. I love you.
I'm sure it's been a while since it happened by the time you're reading this. I hid it pretty far back in my closet, and you especially know about all of my layers. Yes, that was a joke. I'll forgive if you didn't laugh. And don't take this the wrong way, but I just want you to know that I did this solely for you.
No, that's not true. I did it for me too.
I had to escape, Blaine. I had to free you from the chains I was holding you down in. You never would've left me, and I needed you so much, that I never would've been able to leave you.
Well, I did leave you. But I wouldn't have been able to see you around school, maybe holding hands with someone new, and not hate myself.
I did hate myself for being that to you. I don't hate myself anymore though.
I want you to be happy, Blaine. That's literally the only thing that I care about, and maybe killing myself wasn't the best way to ensure your happiness, but even though it'll take time, you'll find happiness again. You will. I know it because I know you, and you're such a truly amazing person that happiness finds you. Happiness radiates off of you.
If it takes you a year or twenty years or seventy years, I hope you'll eventually forgive me. You are the reason I made it this long, to be honest, and my one final wish is for you to understand that I did this not to hurt you, but to help you. You deserve a life of great things, and I never would've been able to provide that for you.
I'm free now, Blaine. I'm happy. I am everything that I wasn't while I was alive. And even though I'm alive now while I'm writing this, I know what awaits me on the other side. I don't know how I know; I just do. And I'm not sorry for what I did.
I love you more than anything. And even though I am gone, there is so much of me that lives on in you. You hold my heart, and you will forever.
You're the sun, Blaine. If you don't let me be your shade, you will shine as bright and as long.
Love, Kurt."
If you or a friend are showing signs of or having suicidal thoughts, please call 1-800-273-8255.
Thank you for reading.