First posted 20 Nov 2006
Matt/Emily pairing
Summary: It wasn't easy, but it was worth it. Post ep for "Peer Group"
Disclaimer: These characters don't belong to me, and I don't get paid for this stuff. I just do it for the love of the show.
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"Emily!" Matt ran to catch up with her as the elevator doors began to close. He just managed to get his hand inside in time to stop them. Prying the doors open, he slipped inside. He couldn't help but notice how his partner oh-so-slightly shrank back against the wall.
"You running from me?" The pit of fear that was beginning in his stomach grew when Emily gave him a shadow of her usual smile. "What? Did I do something? Talk to me, Em."
"Of course you didn't do anything," she replied, but it sounded as though her casual tone was forced.
The elevator reached the bottom floor, and she gave him another weak grin, although he had to admit this one was better than the last. "See you in the morning."
She was halfway across the lobby before he caught up. Matt gently grabbed her arm, but immediately released her when she pulled away as if she'd been burned. They both stopped, as if shocked at the sudden turn things had taken.
"Look, you gotta tell me what I did," he said quietly, raising his hands in an open gesture. "I mean, whatever it is, I'm really sorry, and I'd love to make it up to you, but first you have to tell me what I did so I can apologize."
This time her smile was real. "Did you know you babble when you're nervous?"
"Yeah. Old habit of mine. So...are we okay?"
"Of course we're okay. I'm just having a little trouble dealing with...what just happened."
"You mean how I was with the kid? The tough-guy act?"
"Act? Please."
She started to walk away, and rather than grab her again, he simply made use of his longer legs to step in front of her.
"Wait a minute! You know me, Emily. You have to know I didn't enjoy that."
"No, see, that's what I'm talking about. The way you were with that kid just now? That came naturally to you, Matt. I saw you. I saw with my own eyes. You were into that."
"I wasn't--"
"Okay, maybe that's too strong a phrase, but it definitely wasn't new to you."
"Could we maybe talk about this somewhere else?"
Emily glanced around the lobby and noticed the few other occupants beginning to take an interest.
"I'll see you tomorrow."
"No, Emily, listen to me." Matt leaned in closer, speaking in a low voice. "I'm not sure what just happened here, but you're scaring me."
Emily stood there for a moment, as if considering, and suddenly her whole expression changed.
"You know what? I'm being an idiot. Tell you what, let's go back to my place. I don't think I have any beer, but I pour a mean glass of Diet Coke. We can talk."
Matt smiled. "Talk?" he asked, reaching up to lightly stroke her hair. When he saw the almost imperceptible way she pulled back, he sighed. "I guess we'd better."
"Meet you there."
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Matt actually beat her to her apartment, and was waiting in his car when she drove up.
"Did you get lost?" he asked as she opened her car door.
She picked up a bag from the seat beside her, and handed it out to him. He could tell from the shape that the object inside was a wine bottle. That was significant. Emily usually only drank wine on special occasions. Normally she was a beer or soda girl.
Matt followed her inside, waited while she locked the door, turned on the lights, fed the cat, and finally, fetched some glasses and a corkscrew and joined him on the sofa.
He took the glass she offered him, and sipped at the liquid. Then, remembering they "needed to talk," he downed half the glass at a shot. There was no way this could turn out in his favor.
Emily settled against the back of the sofa, and Matt casually draped his arm across her shoulders. She noticeably did not flinch this time. That had to be progress.
"You're feeling better," he commented, determined to skirt the issue if possible. "More relaxed."
She sighed. "I suppose you'd like an explanation of my behavior back there."
"I'd like to think I deserve one. But Emily, if I did something--"
"No, Matt," she interrupted. "You did exactly what you needed to do. You managed to bring the situation to an end without anyone else getting shot. You did your job, and you did it well."
"Too well?"
"What does that mean?" she asked, studying the rich liquid in her glass as an alternative to meeting his eyes.
"It means that the things I said to that kid freaked you out--"
"They didn't freak me out--"
"Of course they did. It wasn't pretty, and it disturbed you."
"A lot of things about our jobs are not pretty."
"Yeah, but this was different."
He pulled her closer, and she leaned against his shoulder. After a long pause, she admitted, "You're right. It did disturb me. On a couple of levels."
"Okay, great. So let's talk about it. Get it out in the open and work through whatever the problem is so we can get back to doing our jobs and...stuff."
"I just--I don't know. I'm not really sure where to start."
"Well, let's just take it one thing at a time. Let's start with you being afraid of me."
"I'm not afraid of you."
"Not now, thank God. But earlier, there was some definite uneasiness on your part, and it's pretty obvious what caused it. I tell you you've gotta get tough with the kid, and you hand it over to me, because you don't think you can handle it. Nothing wrong with that, Em. It's the reason we have partners. To help with each other's strengths and weaknesses."
"Yeah, but it was so much more than that, Matt. I don't think you even realize."
"Sure I do. I told you I was a bully in high school, you told me you were picked on in high school...neither of us looks at those things as being positive. I wish I hadn't been such a jackass back then, and you, you probably wish you'd been a little less of a wuss."
"You calling me a wuss?"
Matt didn't miss a beat. "You probably wished you could immediately change into the magnificent, self-assured, very capable woman you are today."
Emily sat up took several sips of her wine, as if thinking over what he'd said, then put the glass down and turned to face him. She took one of his hands between her own, gently caressing his skin, as though savoring the warmth of him.
"It's not just that today brought back some bad memories for me," she explained. "I've learned how to deal with those memories. They're still uncomfortable, but they no longer have any real power over me, and haven't in a long time."
"Something seemed to be hitting you pretty hard when you ran for that elevator. And you didn't want me to touch you. I don't remember that ever happening before. What are we dealing with here?"
"We're dealing with me dealing with you."
There didn't seem to be any reply he could make, so he said nothing.
"Matt, I saw a side of you today that I never even knew existed. I've seen you be so gentle and so caring with people, and I know first hand what a wonderful person you are. Yet today I watched you bullying that kid, deliberately pushing him over the edge, and it--it came so easily to you! Your face, your expression, the way you sneered, all of it was just so...so wrong coming from the man I know and...admire. And yet I know that somewhere deep inside, that person is a part of you, too. I'm just coming to terms with that."
"Just don't say you're afraid of me." His voice was tight, and he wouldn't look at her. "Don't say that, Em. I can't deal with that."
Her tone softened at his obvious distress. "No, no, Matt, I'm not saying I'm afraid of you. You're not like that person now, and I'm not like I used to be. But the kid I was would have been afraid, and angry, and frustrated."
She refilled her glass, taking the opportunity to pull away and focus her attention on something else. Taking the time to collect her thoughts and sort out her feelings.
"It was just a shock," she said at last. "I never knew you had that inside you."
"Good. I try to keep it buried pretty deep. Not a skeleton I want to let out of my closet very often."
"And yet you let it out today to save that kid."
"I thought it was the only way to get through to him."
"See, that's the Matt I know. The one who will sacrifice anything to save someone in trouble."
"I don't know about that--"
"I do. And what you did today worked. But it also got through to something in me. A skeleton I try to keep hidden. And that shocked the hell out of me. I was taken aback by my own reaction. I thought of myself as a grown-up, but for just those few seconds, while you were talking to Owen, I felt seventeen again."
Matt reached for her again, and she nestled close inside his arms. For a few minutes they just sat there, feeling each other's heartbeats. He was the one to finally break the silence.
"I hate that part of myself. I'm ashamed that it ever existed."
"When did you become the kind of person who likes to push people around?"
"After my mom died. Classic reaction to her death, I guess. I couldn't control what had happened, and I was angry at the world, so I lashed out at everything and everybody. Tried to control them. That's why I don't have much of a relationship with my brother. I managed to destroy it."
"Wasn't there anybody to see what was happening, and try to help you?"
"Nah. Dad was too caught up in his own grief. My brother just knew I had turned into a colossal jerk, he didn't know why. School counselors tried to talk to me, and I just told them what they wanted to hear. It was a big place. Nobody had much time to focus on one troubled kid. And it wasn't like I ever tried to burn the school down, or take hostages or anything."
"That's a long way from where you started to where you are now. How did you ever end up as a cop?"
"I'll have to tell you sometime," he promised, taking the glass from her hand and setting it on the coffee table beside his own. "Some boring day when we have nothing else to do."
He smoothed back her hair, as he'd tried to do earlier, and this time she appeared to relish his touch. Slowly, tentatively, he brought his lips to hers. They brushed her softness once, twice, and then he felt her hands in his hair and the kiss became real.
Much time passed, during which they discovered, among other things, that the occasional misunderstanding can season an already good relationship.
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"Emily?" he spooned up against her and kissed her bare shoulder.
"Hmm?"
"Do you ever wonder if there will come a time when this will...just end? Us, I mean?"
"I used to," she confessed, turning to lie on her back and stare up at the ceiling. "I used to worry about it a lot, because what we have seems so good. I was afraid I'd never be able to function without it."
"And now?"
"Right now, I convince myself that it will never end. That we're so good together that neither of us will ever want to call it off. That we're mature enough and sane enough to work out whatever problems face us, rather than just throwing away the relationship."
"So you believe that right now?"
"Yeah."
"But what if tomorrow, or next week or next year or whenever, you wake up and decide that something's changed, and it's just not working for you anymore?"
"Well," she told him, snuggling close to his chest, "the way I figure it, if I keep believing in right now...maybe it will always be right now. Maybe tomorrow never gets a foot in the door." She shrugged one shoulder. "It's a little sophomoric, but that's how I handle it."
"Yeah." He pulled her closer still, and kissed her again. "Yeah. Sounds good to me."
End