A/N: Let me give you a small dose of my reality;
I'm a recovering anorexic.
First off; I'm no Demi Lovato, I can't JOKE about treatment, I can't laugh about whether or not my food stays down. (which, it always has; I am of one to chew it up and spit it out; rather than eat more than I can handle, and regurgitate it five minutes later) They way she kids about it, the way she says she's never been happier; I just don't understand it. Three months is all it took for her. Though she says she's still struggling, I don't quite believe her. Wearing high-waisted pants and hiding behind an over-sized handbag isn't satisfactory. It was nearly seven months for me, and I'm still not there.
Second off; I don't talk about my addiction easily, because I AM still struggling with it so harshly. Like all illness' there are good days, and there are dark days. Some days I can eat three whole means. Others, my mum has to force a piece of bread and some noodles.
And last; It's a daily struggle of the clothes in my closet. Though I was forced to get rid of everything under a size 4, so I don't convince myself I'm getting fat and ripple into my self-destructive oblivion again.
It started when I was 10. Ended about the time I first uploaded "Home." On here. I developed the idea in treatment, but it died quickly with my love of 'Lily.' Either way, this has been my slight escape.
For those of you who are subscribed to ME and not just A story, or even just saw this and thought 'ohay sounds good, lets checkitout'...I figured I'd let you know why I really upload so much;
escape.
Nothing feels better than traveling into another world, where time can go however quickly or slowly you wish. How YOU can choose the outcome, the level of beauty, the life inside the mind.
I have to write an essay once a week; about my struggles for those seven days since my last visit. So far I've written seven.
It's horrible. But today I wrote one and I was quite impressed with myself. Inspired by none other than Alastor 'Mad-Eye' Moody.
Constant Vigilance, he says.
After I wrote this I decided that I had to share it with you; It's related to his death.
And Remember; C o n s t a n t V i g i l a n c e .
Recovering addicts will tell you that they are never fully cured. Anyone who can claim a cure is lying. Or utterly naïve. In an addict's mind, there's always that hunger for another roll of the die, another shot of whiskey, another cigarette...and for others, another binge. It has nothing to do with intelligence, strength, or self-control. It's hard-wired. And until the day we can change our own DNA, there will always be a struggle.
Alongside rehabilitation comes a lifetime of constant vigilance. Yet how do you wage a fight against an unseen enemy? How do you simultaneously defeat and preserve your own self? It's clear that no battle is ever really won. They aren't even fought. Peel each one back and you reveal to man his own folly and despair. And victory is merely an illusion constructed by philosophers and fools.
Our past misdeeds can never be fully banished. And eternal sunshine of the mind is just a fanciful dream. There are days when the dense fog of the years appears impenetrable. Did you know that when new pilots fly into clouds and try to orient themselves in the haze, they oftentimes mistakenly end up upside-down – without even knowing it. It's easy to get lost. It's even harder to correct your route when the destination is undetermined.
But then comes the breakthrough. In the countless therapy sessions where the same words get used over and over again, maybe just once, a small fragment of the truth gets spoken. And that's all it takes. You worry and fret each and every day, and then one day you simply don't, at least, not in the same way. The chains don't come completely undone, but the links grow longer, and the metal loses its heft. And what was once a burden is now a badge – certainly not one of honor – but neither is it one of shame.
The familiar taunt rings across every playground: sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. And yet any child can tell you that they do. But the same ones that have the power to destroy also carry the capacity to heal. There's an entire industry devoted to the influence of positive thinking – of improvement through reinforcement. Maybe in the midst of all their writings motivated by profit, they've stumbled upon some small fragment of reality. Words carry power. What's most important, though, is that comfort lies in the act of speaking, much more so than within the words themselves. You will know the truth, and by giving voice to it, the truth shall set you free.
Undeviating Attention; Constant Vigilance.