Okay, here's the deal. About five years ago this evil penis/ dragon hybrid named Jammin' Swingin' Finger Lickin' Chicken (Or 'Naga' for short) was having a lot of trouble dealing with 'that time of the month' – so much so the bitch decided he'd try to take over the world, but in order to do this he needed to obtain the Magical Crystal of Oz, or Infinity Core or whatever. Shit happened, a black hole opened up and monsters from his world began raining down in ours, except as marbles. Despite this rather conspicuous and fucking weird event, our parents thought it'd be cool to let us play with these marbles. We called the game 'Bakugan'.
Ever since then, a lot of shit has happened, not that I can remember most of it given I was so loaded on all that maple candy and pudding, but I definitely remember saving the world at least three times. All thanks to you, buddy – my one and only partner, Drago-
I HATE you Dan!
Ahh, good times…
Bakugan Interspace: A totally plausible virtual reality where kids can be downloaded to cyberspace so they can 'brawl' to their hearts content! That's right, kids; if Willy Wonka can transfer a chocolate bar through a 1970s television set, you bet your ass Marucho can download kids into a computer! Funnily enough, Digimon hasn't yet sued…
Anyway, too many conspiracy theories were circulating about the management of the Interspace. Marucho probably just got tired of butt-fucking Ren and decided to fire his ass – only to realize he could no longer reach the control panel. I don't know; I haven't watched the end of Gundalian Invaders yet…
Anyway…
"Wow, guys! Can you believe it's a brand new series of Bakugan! I can't believe we made three whole seasons – and this is our fourth! And to think, we sucked in Japan! Thank God for the Spaniards and Americans…" Dan Kuso beamed. I could spend time laboriously typing out a description of the seventeen year old brawler or tell you he is basically just like Naruto only with brown hair.
"Still didn't stop them from condemning us to the freaking 6 AM timeslot. It's like they wanted our show to be a failure!" Shun Kazami, the 'emo ninja' sighed. If Dan's Naruto, guess who Shun is?
"Oh well, the point is we're an awesome show and people love us! Right Marucho?"
Marucho, Dan's vertically challenged friend nodded happily. When I say 'vertically challenged' I mean so FREAKING SMALL that you'd need a team of bloody forensic scientists to detect his presence. Seriously, his Mom must've fucked a gerbil or something. The kid's supposed to be what? 15? He's roughly the size of a freaking milk carton.
"You bet Dan!" The MIDGET replied.
"I wonder what kind of plot we'll have this season…" Dan turned to his two friends. "Any ideas?"
"Hmm, let's see. Season one, bad guy wants power, later explodes from too much power and Drago evolves. Season too, bad guy wants power, later explodes from too much power and Drago evolves. Season three, bad guy wants power, later evolves from too much power AND Drago evolves!" Shun said – I AM IMPLYING HEAVY SARCASM.
"Awh, come on, Shun, don't be such a downer. I'm sure this is going to be our best season yet! You know I hear the Vestals are returning!"
"That is… pure fan speculation…" Shun muttered, the painful fact that New Vestroia was the series' only GOOD season entering his mind.
The trio stood at the sidelines of an arena, casually glancing every now an then at the ongoing brawl. They didn't know who was winning. They didn't care either.
"I'll tell you what's BULLSHIT, how about throwing me an introductory line for once? I mean, Jesus, I know I'm not freaking DRAGO but I'm still HERE and I would like to be AKNOWLEDGED! BAKUGAN HAVE FEELINGS TOO!"
…Tristar, Marucho's far too aggressive Gundalian Bakugan fumed, turning an interesting shade of red. Huh, I had no idea Bakugan could change colour. Maybe it's not just colour they're able to change. Maybe they can change other things, like, I don't know – ATTRIBUTE – without any decent or reasonable explanations whatsoever? Ahem, maybe, that might be just a guess… I think I did the foreshadowing wrong…
"Calm down, Tristar. This is only the beginning," Taylean reassured him. "I'm sure with time we will be equally important and make plenty of contributions to the plot, that all of us Bakugan will share this fame-"
"AND DRAGO WINS ANOTHER BATTLE. AGAIN. SERIOUSLY, IT'S GETTING KIND OF BORING NOW."
Shun frowned. "When did Dan and Drago start battling?"
Taylean sighed. "-Never mind."
From the crowd in the stands came cheers of applause along with groans of boredom at the predictability of the situation. Also, cans. One hit Dan squarely in the face.
"WHO threw that? Who the FUCK threw that?" He yelled into the stands, as if expecting his assailant to step forward and proclaim himself.
Mustering a casual air of nonchalance Dan sauntered back over to where Marucho and Shun were standing. They were both glaring.
"It's okay. No one saw anything." Dan paused and looked towards the computer screens that broadcast other battles currently taking place.
"Here we have it folks!" The disembodied announcer broadcast. "What you have all been waiting for!"
"Oh boy." Shun rolled his eyes.
"This is it." Marucho grimaced.
"They're going to announce the new characters!" Dan could only shudder in anticipation. He'd ask how bad could they be, but that would just be tempting fate. When it came to Brawlers there always undoubtedly one thing – psychotic.
Haha. How Dan would WISH his new opponents would be merely psychotic.
"Prepare for: Team ANUBIAS!"
It was sort of like the Big Bang. Only smaller, and not as many people died. No one really knew WHY the explosion was necessary, nor swinging through the air on a ridiculously powerful jungle vine. Yeah. It would make more sense if the jungle vine was a hose or something.
"That is what you get! That is what you get for assuming I am void of emotions! I hope you choke on your own oesophagus!" Cried the evil hosepipe, suddenly wrenching itself from Anubias' grip, causing him to fall to the ground with a large thud.
Anubias himself could have been the lovechild of Spectra and Masquerade. Dazed, he shook his head and pulled himself to his feet, smoothening down his skin tight PVC full body catsuit.
"…Dude…" Dan whistled.
"And I thought my pants were tight." Shun whistled.
"I think his gloves… are ATTACHED to that suit…" Marucho cocked his head to the side in confusion. There was only one thing on Dan's mind.
"How the hell does he pee?"
Peeing was not foremost on Anubias' mind. He glared angrily at the hosepipe.
"…THAT WAS NOT VERY NICE! AND IT HURT QUITE A BIT."
"GOOD! I hope it did HURT! Stupid Gundalian…" the hose pipe muttered, beginning to skulk away.
"STUPID…MEAN… HOSE!" Anubias stomped his foot and then kicked Ben for good measure.
From the other TV screen a woman stood tall and proud, book ended by two younger girls.
"Team SELLON!"
"…Hey. Guys. Look." Shun said. "She's totally a vampire." He turned to the others.
"Well…" Dan shrugged. "Guess we could've done worse. Least Volt's not in this season. S'ppose there's nothing really to do for the bit. Might as well go home, catch a movie-"
"Not return Runo's calls…" Shun muttered under his breath.
"-And then have a nice warm bubble bath. What did you say Shun?"
"Bubble bath. Yes. I was reminding you to use bath salts. They make the experience more enjoyable."
"I have seven different types of bath salts; one for everyday of the week!" Marucho chirped.
"Well, see you guys tomorrow when something significant is sure to happen!"
LATER THAT EVENING, AFTER DAN'S BUBBLE BATH.
"Dan, I'm feeling uneasy about something." Drago confessed, as his partner hopped into bed.
"Drago, when you feel uneasy about something it usually means something bad is going to happen. But I am tired so for now I will sleep and we will deal with it in the morning, because no pretentious, self-righteous bastard is going to bother me when I am trying to sleep. That would be just rude." With that, Dan curled up, turned off his light and drifted off into a peaceful sleep.
DREAM SEQUENCE
"…Okay, where the hell am I?" Dan growled.
"Dan Kuso…" Whispered a disembodied voice.
"Who's there? What do you want?"
"I want… YOU!" Suddenly a dozen hands reached up to grab him and drag him to the ground. "I want your SWEET BODY! Let's make this night last forever!"
"CHRIST, I don't think so! Put me the fuck down! I am not aroused by this at ALL!"
"…You are a little bit."
"Am NOT."
"Are too."
"Am NOT!"
"Please Dan, you're totally hard. I can feel it. I'm ethereal, remember?"
"Oh… I thought you were some sort of evil Bakugan. Hey, where the hell is Drago?"
"The hell if I care. Anyway. I'll be off then." Dan felt the arms relax their grip and slowly slide off of him.
"Hey, what the hell?"
"Well you're not the only boy in the world with special powers and abilities desired by others! I have to pay Percy Jackson a visit tonight too y'know!"
"Yeah but I mean… that's it? I'm just a cheap fuck to you?"
"We're not getting into this, Dan."
"At least promise you'll call."
"Dan-"
"Whatever. Be that way. See if I care."
"…I'm leaving. Oh, by the way I actually do want more than just your sexual body – I also want the Infinity Core, Code Eve and other shit. I'll be haunting you for the next few episodes."
"Wait, what?"
"S'laters!"
END OF DREAM SEQUENCE
"What do you mean the episode's over? You didn't get through half the content?" Shun growled at the credits. "And why's Spectra's name there? He doesn't appear for another fifteen episodes!"
NEXT TIME on BAKUGAN MECHTANIUM SURGE: To fight the sinister Mag Mel the Brawlers must call on the power of the six elements of friendship and realize friendship truly is MAGIC!
END.
(For now…)
Spectra: WAIT A SECOND! What do you mean I don't appear for another fourteen freaking episodes? That is BULLSHIT, pure and utter…
…I'm so sorry it sucked. I'll do better next time…