This is a scene I've adapted from chapter 23 of my story 'Slice of Life'.
The friend who got me into Gundam Wing again was the person I came up with this idea with, so I wanted to get a chance to share it as a one-shot as well.
I've tweaked it so it's a stand alone, so if you're reading this having read the original, 'yes, it is a bit different'. ^^;
I'm using elements of my story in here to move things along, bear with me.
Rx1 Theory
He and Relena had gone out the night before. Drinks were shared. It didn't end well. It didn't end late either; Heero had to call it an evening barely two drinks in.
He felt something. A poke? No, it was a throbbing feeling. His head felt like it had been mauled by some wild animal. Looking up, he noticed he was on Wufei's couch, pulled out, Duo nearby, drinking coffee. "...can I ask-"
"-about my 'Rx1 theory'?" Duo began.
Heero wasn't feeling well, he had not an ounce of patience to entertain this with. "...the what?"
"The 'Rx1 theory' has been described for many years-two years-and its details perfected through rigorous testing and exposure-"
His patience mattered not, Duo would go on. "-at least...tell me you haven't rehearsed any of this." He wasn't looking to get lectured on his drinking habits, it was far too early.
He shook his head, "No, it's off the cuff, mostly. It's funny too, I promise."
Why was Duo choosing now of all times to be this manic? He was going to regret this. "What does it stand for? Is the 'R' for Relena or something?" He assumed Duo was going to nose around what he and he date were doing the night before.
"Yes."
"Then I'm the '1'? Isn't it the guy's name supposed to come first in this sort of thing?"
"It is. It does. Relena's the guy in your relationship."
"See...you've gone and stopped making sense." Duo plus a hangover was too much; maybe it did make sense and he was just too drained to understand.
"Let me explain." He got ready to count out all the points on his fingers for Heero to see. "First off, how you two met. It was all mysterious and what not, right?" That was one.
"You could say that..."
"After that, you kept pulling power moves." A finger was used to mark each of his points, "Making yourself elusive. Voicing your lack of concern for her safety. Showing up at the right times to save her anyway. Behaving recklessly-"
"How?"
"Self destructing."
"Kay," he just wanted to know what he was referring to.
Finger total now being five, he continued, "After the war, when we start to get a somewhat normal life on the go, you still refuse to disclose any information about your personal life." Six.
"Again, I don't see where this is goi-"
"-you're impatient," a seventh finger, "Impulsive. Indecisive. Self absorbed-"
"-Hey-"
"-Moody. You have the alcohol tolerance of a little girl-"
"-I've been under the weather-" An excuse.
"-Loads of denial. And finally, you go to excessive lengths to get what you want."
"Now that you've called out all my flaws, I hope you plan to make a point. I didn't stay awake so you could sit there and insult me."
"Insult you? Flaws? They're qualities! And I happen to like all fourteen of them. For what it's worth, if I tried to point out all my own, not only would we be here all day, but I'd have to be some weird, freaky octopus creature to accurately tabulate them all like this." He wiggled his fingers. Counting to twenty on them was fine, but after that he'd lose track easily.
He went on, "You see, those qualities I mentioned, aside from a few toward the end, are mostly male dominated. But there were a lot of 'androgynous' traits I couldn't get my head around. When I reached a dead end on the idea, I began to look at Relena's traits instead, to see if I could make any sense of it that way. And let me tell you, it blew me away when I realized it."
"And this blew you away...when?"
"Couple hours ago. You sleep a lot. This brain of mine can go a mile a minute. Back on track: She's interesting. Add in the stuff I found out from you last night-" Heero's loosened, drunken babbling, "-and, woo! You to together makes SO much more sense!"
Duo assumed the 'I'm going to count stuff' position. "She chases you. She's rich. A pacifist. Beautiful. Fit. Gorgeous hair. She has a high ranking title and is respected in the public eye as one of the most influential people of our generation."
"Your point?"
"-And now, after last night, I know: She can run the track in record time, collects old cars, can carry a near full grown man down several flights of stairs, on her back, three separate times, and, can effectively drink you under the table...I'm sorry to say Heero, but Relena's the man in your relationship." Duo brushed his hands clean, "There, the complete 'Rx1 Theory'."
"...That's ridiculous."
He shrugged, "Hey, I don't make the rules. She's got way more masculine traits than you, nothing I can say that'll change that."
He was technically right, "That still doesn't prove anything," but Heero wasn't letting him have it.
"Sure it does, my math isn't wrong. Numbers don't lie," he said and sipped his coffee. "Bottom line: Relena is the rich, chivalrous bureaucrat who gives chase, and you're the sassy Asian chick who plays hard to get."
He was right. "You...that's...I'm going to bed."
"Don't get all bent out of shape. If it makes you feel any better, Quatre's got way more feminine traits than you do."
"Why would that make me feel..." he paused, "...like what?"
Duo assumed the position of 'the count' once again, "The guy dresses way too nicely. Too polite. He can't drink either. Bakes in his spare time. The piano. I saw about six different credit cars in his wallet once, I nearly did a spit take-"
"-Why are credit cards a feminine trait?"
"No-no, 'six cards' are."
"I see...quantity...now that you mention it...why would he need that many?"
"Shopping, I bet."
"...are you serious about any of this?" There was a chance all this was part of a 'scene' Duo was creating to entertain himself with, but he was hitting 'home' with a lot of his observations. It was best to check.
"I don't lie, friend."
"Then, what about you? Are your more dominant qualities male or female?"
"Male, obviously."
"Even with the long hair?"
"That's not a feminine quality."
"Here we go," Heero said, accepting the fact he was probably not going to get much sleep. He rested his cheeks on his fists and propped his head up with his knees. "Why isn't it feminine?"
"My braid is for the ladies."
"Meaning?"
"Girls look for traits in guys that they'd like to see in themselves. In a way, I'm being supportive."
"What if the girl doesn't like long hair?"
"Even I can't please everyone. Most girls love long hair, so four out of five works fine for me."
"Okay...what else?"
"My boots. I never wear low quality footwear, a sign I want to have sturdy stance. A man's got a be a strong supporter, doesn't he? My black clothing is the 'cool factor'. So are the sunglasses. I'm a hacker. A nomad. I can get along with pretty much everyone. The girls just love me! I can sing with soul! I'm the 'god of death'!" He beamed in grandiose fashion.
"I get your point," he tried to dismiss him.
His bubble was popped, "But I'm not done yet."
"I am." Heero rolled over.
"Fine." He trotted off to get some more coffee from the kitchen.
Duo did his thing in the other room, he heard a few dishes clink together. Heero sat back up and kept quiet for a few minutes. He had one final question that needed to be answered. "Duo...?"
He came back in briefly. "Yes?"
"Why do you notice these things? Are they that important to you?" He never thought his friend to be so superficial before.
"Kind of..."
"Why?"
"Because our diversity is freaking awesome! Do you realize how many different kinds of girls we draw?!" he said, again, as if there was no need to ask. "If not for our perfect mix, we wouldn't have as big a following." He slowly nodded. "It's all in the 'group ratio'. I have a 'Group Ratio Theory' too, wanna' hear?"
Superficial? False alarm. He just wanted to hear himself talk. "No," Heero said and rolled face down into his pillow, "I don't know why I stayed up for any of that."
Meehee.
Heero's a girl. ^^