Disclaimer: As if you didn't know this already, but just as a precaution I'm mentioning it any way. I'm just borrowing these brilliant characters. All credit goes to Sir Conan Doyle, Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss. I only own my plot idea.

Summary: This is what happens when a certain detective is set on finding something in 221 B Baker Street and what an enduring doctor has to put up with through text messages. Never let it be said that there can be too much texting. Mainly Sherlock/John friendship. R&R.

First Sherlock fic I've ever dared to publish. Hope you enjoy reading it :)

A Scandal by texting

[07:30] Give it back. – SH

[07:31] Where is it? –SH

[07:35] John –SH

[07:38] John –SH

[07:42] John—SH

[07:43] How very déclassé. You're ignoring me John. –SH

[07:45] Why aren't you answering me? –SH

[07:50] I tagged the bag with the lungs. They're neatly separated from the leftovers now.—SH

[07:53] The eyes aren't even in the microwave anymore. –SH

[08:01] John, you're being unjustifiably insipid. –SH

[08:03]In fact according to your standards, this would qualify as blatantly childish and rude. –SH

[08:04] Where did you put it this time? –SH

[08:05] Why do you hide so many sweets in your room? It is rather unhealthy. –SH

[08:07] Not that I care. I'm merely pointing out a sordid fact. –SH

[08:09] And you're putting on weight. –SH

[08:11] Can I have a Kit Kat? –SH

[08:13] I never imagined you liked Maltesers. –SH

[08:15] Really John? I can expect this from Mycroft any day instead. –SH

[08:19] And yes, you should be flattered. –SH

[08:20] JOHN!

[08:23] My patience is wearing thin. –SH

[09:18] I went shopping. –SH

[09:19] Yes, I went to Tesco. –SH

[09:21] Is the blasted shop always surrounded by simpletons? –SH

[09:24] I brought back your precious strawberry jam and your confounded skimmed milk. –SH

[09:26] There's more Kit Kat and Jelly babies in the kitchen. –SH

[09:27] John –SH

[09:38] Please John.—SH

[10:03] No–JW

[10:04] Is that it? –SH

[10:06] STOP –JW

[10:10] I've been trying to communicate with you for a significant amount of time. I sentenced myself through the tedious niceties in order for you to comply with my wishes. You make me reduce myself to the equivalent of a nincompoop talking to a brick wall, besides turning me into your errand boy no less. And for all my efforts on gaining your favor, is that all the reply I get from you? A bloody "No"? –SH

[10:12] For goodness sake Sherlock. Stop texting! –JW

[10:13] Why? –SH

[10:17] I haven't even got to read half of all the texts you sent. –JW

[10:18] Why? –SH

[10:19] What do you mean with why you git? You've sent me over 30 bloody texts in less than 3 damnable hours! And I said STOP or I won't reply anything at all. So shut the hell up. –JW

[10:22] That's better. –JW

[10:25] How is it possible for you to annoy someone without even speaking? Don't answer that. –JW

[10:29] What the hell?! Listen you clot, I haven't been ignoring you as any other common human being would. – JW

[10:33] So you say. –SH

[10:34] INSIPID? ME?! I'M INSIPID?! –JW

[10:34] And you're not speaking, you're texting. Therefore, it isn't possible for me to listen to you. However, I can read anything you send.–SH

[10:39] Take a day off from your stupid grammar police duty your highness. Join the rest of us, poor mere insipid mortals in the land of the living and speak without using your mind palace's dictionary-atlas combo of self-righteousness. –JW

[10:40] You're being absurd. –SH

[10:42] Still, I could send you a voice note so you might LISTEN TO ME. –JW

[10:43] And last time you said sarcasm was the lowest form of wit. –SH

[10:44] Touché, but I know you won't do it. Still, the effort to challenge me counts. –SH

[10:47] Christ Sherlock! In the name of anything that is holy, what the hell are you talking about?! STOP TEXTING. And I'm not childish and I'm certainly not rude! –JW

[10:51]I lost my phone charger you prat. I didn't get to recharge my mobile. Busy night shift and the battery isn't working properly either … I borrowed Mary's charger.–JW

[10:52] What kind of person has a phone with a useless battery? –SH

[10:54] You went into MY ROOM?! –JW

[10:56] Your toy tank is intact and the Eurofighter Typhoon remains spotless. –SH

[11:04] Why do I have to put up with a six foot toddler? Mind your own business. You have your blasted nicotine patches; let me have my sweets in peace. –JW

[11:06]I don't have toys, those are replicas you idiot and a gift from Mary.—JW

[11:09] Oh at least I do have weight. I'm not a walking stick who thinks eating slows him down. –JW

[11:11] No need to be terribly discourteous to make your displeasure evident and stop avoiding my question. –SH

[11:14] You'd better give my Kit Kat back! So what if I like Maltesers? And I'll ignore the Mycroft topic to skip a headache. –JW

[11:15] LOL –JW

[11:16] This isn't funny anymore John! Be serious! –SH

[11:20] YES IT IS. God Almighty you went shopping. ROTFL –JW

[11:21] I informed you of that already. You repeating it won't change the result. It's done, period. –SH

[11:22] YOU WENT SHOPPING. –JW

[11:23] Yes, we've already established that John. Really, are you an idiot? Repeating a statement previously declared is pointless. – SH

[11:28] What the hell for? You DON'T do the shopping. Thank you for clearing the flat from your outlandish experiments by the way. A lung over my pasta wasn't the least bit attractive and I'm a doctor. –JW

[11:39] Your leftovers were sealed with aluminium foil any way. Quit stalling and tell me. –SH

[11:46] Funny thing, I never imagined you to be patient. I thought that was my job. Putting up with you, I mean. Again, thanks for the milk and jam. I'll have my stolen Kit Kat back then. –JW

[11:49] Yes, every shop in London is surrounded by people who actually aren't excited to measure the coagulation of saliva after death.–JW

[11:50] Damn it John! –SH

[11:53] Wait, hold on a minute. Are you actually saying that you did all what you did just because you think I have something that belongs to you? –JW

[11:54] Are you being intentionally dense John? –SH

[11:56] Why am I not surprised? –JW

[11:57] JOHN! –SH

[11:58] Sherlock :D – JW

[12:01] Did you just rant by text? Sherlock bloody Holmes ranted to me by text? Isn't that supposed to be beneath you? LOL and you still haven't tell me what is it that you want.—JW

[12:02] SHUT UP .You are well informed of what I'm discussing about. —SH

[12:07] No, you shut up. This is my day off and I'm texting to my nutter case of a flatmate instead of talking to my girlfriend! –JW

[12:08] So? –SH

[12:15] Sherlock! I'm in the middle of a date with Mary and you're having a tantrum over some invisible problem. –JW

[12:16] Then you shouldn't pick what belongs to me. Where is it? –SH

[12:17] Amazing. –JW

[12:19] Flattery won't work with me this time. TELL ME. –SH

[12:21] Good God. You're terribly daft for a genius. You're brilliant and a fool at the same time. That's the astounding and appalling thing about you. –JW

[12:23] I can always go to your blog and post anything I please. –SH

[12:25] What?! Is this about the harpoon? I'm not giving you that back. Some innocent dead animal will pay the price. –JW

[12:26] I'm not referring to the harpoon! –SH

[12:29] Mrs. H took your skull for polishing. –JW

[12:31] So that's where it went…Still that's not what I'm looking for. –SH

[12:33] Molly has your riding crop. Don't ask.—JW

[12:34] I wasn't planning to. I'm not worried over that either! –SH

[12:36] Am I playing 20 questions without knowing because you're bored? –JW

[12:38] I can always post a vague comment of your time spent watching cartoons and eating gummy bears.—SH

[12:39] You wouldn't dare. –JW

[12:40] Is that a challenge? –SH

[13:01] Mary is on stitches. She has read all our ridiculous texts after she locked herself in the loo with my phone. She's curious just as I am… What is it that you have misplaced?—JW

[13:02] I haven't misplace anything, you took it. There's a big difference. –SH

[13:04] Anthea will drop by with my laptop later and your nicotine patches. Mary says hi. –JW

[13:06] Should I reply a hello? Tell Mycroft to send more ammunition.–SH

[13:08] The thought counts. I refuse to get another hole in my wardrobe. –JW

[13:09] Cigarettes? –SH

[13:10] I'll move out if they bring you any. –JW

[13:11] You're evil. –SH

[13:13] Mycroft's credit card is in the book Molly gave you for Christmas. That's in the Royal Pile you left next to my chair. Mary is sniggering. –JW

[13:15] And I'm fuming. John you're not making me beg. –SH

[13:21] Mate, I haven't got a clue! Your suits went to the laundry with your favorite dressing gown and your bloodied scarf… I don't even have my gun with me as you insistently use it to ruin Mrs. Hudson's wall. Oh and I haven't even touch your violin. –JW

[13:25] WHERE IS MY CASE WITH ALL MY SAMPLES OF TOBACCO ASHES? –SH

[13:26] … –JW

[13:43] You mean that old black container hidden under the kitchen's sink? –JW

[13:44] It's vintage! Yes and it's not there. –SH

[13:45] I'm calling Mycroft for your ammunition.—JW

[13:46] There are two hundred and forty three types of tobacco ashes in there. –SH

[13:48] Why don't we get back to our old routine where you tell me you're bored and I suggest you to shoot the wall till I get there? –JW

[13:49] John Hamish Watson, what did you do with my collection of tobacco ashes? –SH

[13:52] Mary is giving me her own look. You just ruined my date.–JW

[13:59] How about a cuppa? You can have some of my sweets if you want to. My treat. Just don't go overboard with the Hershey's Special Dark …Those aren't cheap. –JW

[14:01] I want my tobacco ashes back! –SH

[14:07] I want to snog my girlfriend and I still can't because of you! –JW

[14:08] How predictable and dull of you. –SH

[14:12] As if you knew the first thing about it. –JW

[14:13] What does that have to do with my tobacco ashes? –SH

[14:25] It means you are in the urgent need of a good shag to forget of your tobacco ashes. Even Mary agrees with me.—JW

[14:26] Why would I want to do that? –SH

[14:28] Exactly… Which leaves me to suffer a cruel fate.—JW

[14:29] That's not fair. –SH

[14:45] Mary tells me to apologize. Apparently that was very inconsiderate of me. Her words, not mine. You turned my girlfriend against me! :'( –JW

[14:46] I'm still curious. Why would you assume that? –SH

[14:49] I don't need to be a powerful mastermind to make that deduction. –JW

[14:50] Wrong. –SH

[14:52] ?—JW

[14:53] You're wrong. –SH

[14:55] WHAT?! :O –JW

[14:57] As repetitive as it sounds, I WANT MY TOBACCO ASHES BACK. –SH

[14:59] Oh no! You don't get to avoid the subject this time. WHO? –JW

[15:03] It's not important. You have a new post in your blog and you've earned the most entertaining comments. –SH

[15:15] You're off the hook for now. You took a picture of me sitting and covered in my duvet watching telly?! –JW

[15:16] You changed my account's password!—JW

[15:17] Obviously. I'm waiting for my tobacco ashes.–SH

[15:23] This is ridiculous! At least Mary thinks I'm adorable. Besides, it was freezing! –JW

[15:24] Irrelevant –SH

[15:26] You blew up the entire heating system in the building! Mrs. H had to camp in her sister's flat. –JW

[15:27] The post got boring, everyone seems to think like your mindless girlfriend. –SH

[15:33] I'd rather ignore your comment on Mary. You changed my email's password?! –JW

[15:34] Evidently. –SH

[15:38] Sherlock sweetheart, it's Mary. Please give John his passwords back. He'll explain to you what happened to your collection if you do. –MM

[15:39] He can't delete the post I made. The picture with him covered in sweets watching telly stays.—SH

[15:42] Fine. –MM

[15:43] He's getting even, isn't he? –SH

[15:50] Oh yes. Good luck with that. —MM

[15:53] Done. –SH

[15:54] Thank you. –MM & JW

[16:01] Sherlock I'm knackered. I've been texting you for hours. I can't stand to type anymore!—JW

[16:02] We had an agreement.—SH

[16:03] Really John? And then you tell me I am juvenile?—SH

[16:10] You already saw the new post in my blog I take it.—JW

[16:11] When? –SH

[16:14] You're always making your happy dances each time Greg shows up for a case. I always thought of it as potential blackmail material. It's better than the deerstalker photograph.–JW

[16:15] EXPLAIN. –SH

[16:17] You aren't letting this go, are you? –JW

[16:18] You assume correctly. –SH

[16:29] I promised I wouldn't tell.—JW

[16:30] Out with it. –SH

[16:32] It was all for a good cause, I swear! –JW

[16:33] And I'm still thinking you're rather obtuse. –SH

[16:35] There's people who actually care about you. –JW

[16:37] And they are willing to get a rise out of me by appropriating themselves with my life's work. –SH

[16:42] Your goddamned ashes are safe you dolt. You're a lucky bastard you know that? –JW

[16:43] I've angered you.—SH

[16:46] Clearly that's your full time occupation and goal in life. –JW

[16:47] You've been abusing of expletives today. –SH

[16:49] And why the hell would I do that?—JW

[17:01] Please John. Don't make me beg. –SH

[17:03] Alright, you win. I really tried. –JW

[17:04] Thank you.—SH

[17:09] As you well understand, your birthday is approaching.—JW

[17:10] Oh hell! Why does that matter?—SH

[17:12] You are aware it only happens once a year? –JW

[17:13] It doesn't make any difference! –SH

[17:15] Whatever mate… After you came back from the dead we really just wanted to make every minute count and we really fancied to surprise you for your birthday. –JW

[17:16] Who's we?—SH

[17:19] Besides myself… Mrs. H, Greg, Mike and Molly. Even Mycroft helped us out a bit. –JW

[17:21] How is it that this escaped my notice?—SH

[17:23] Honestly, Molly does earnestly understand you… Better than me or Mycroft I'm afraid. It's quite frightening and fascinating –JW

[17:24] Go on.—SH

[17:25] I'm sending you a voice note as I can't be bothered to text anymore. Besides, you'll get to listen to me and be wrong. Mary is laughing again. –JW

[17:29] [Voice note download from JW completed] "Molly knew of your obsession over the tobacco ashes… (sighs) She has read all your work on it and made a complete systematic compilation! Christ, she actually helped to design a binder able to hold all of your samples. It is THE binder with your name engraved on the cover. Better than that old chest…Eeer oh yes! There's this amazing tablet placed to the left which has all your written data shown as if it were an e-book. To the right you have all these special transparent sheets holding the ashes… Mhmm and each one of the samples has a reference number that sends you to the text to the left. As you probably have already guessed, Mycroft commissioned it. (yawns) The tricky part was getting the case out of our flat without you discovering of our scheme… So I did it and left a thread of my worn jacket that always seems to have a row with the sharp wooden door under the sink. (giggles) Molly accurately figured out how much time she had to finish this before you noticed and she was right. (yawns) I spoke with her and had her permission to confess as this was all her idea. We merely supported and helped her to keep you in the dark…(sighs) Really Sherlock… Molly adores you. She worships the ground you walk on. It isn't some minor fleeting attraction… She loves you and clearly knows much more than she lets on. She deserves a medal after helping you fake your own death and putting her career in your hands... (sighs) And if this doesn't earn her the shag of her life, then I don't know what will… Can you please be a human being and reciprocate? She doesn't expect you to, but she's good for you. She matters to you and thank goodness she even fooled Moriarty of her importance. (yawns) Right… I'm rambling. So, I'm not going back to the flat. I'm staying here with Mary to rest for real. Bye Sherlock."

[21:23] I know John. I already have. –SH

Author's note: There you have it! My first Sherlock one-shot. Please review after you're done reading and let me know your thoughts. I really appreciate feedback as I enjoy giving it every time I go through a story.

Happy reading and writing to all of you :)

—Noukinav018—