This is the sad continuation of It's the Calming Before the Storm.
Meredith was being particularly difficult, twisting and turning as Cas attempted to secure her in a diaper. The child was unruly just like her mother. He had finally stuck the little tabs down before she rolled and crawled toward the couch, where Cas knew she would pull herself up and start to walk – unsteadily like a college drunkard. He kept an eye on her as he pulled his vibrating phone out of his pocket, wondering why he would be getting a call so early on a Friday morning.
The name on the screen was Sam W and suddenly he had a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. It seemed to be wrapped around his intestines, squeezing and jerking and making him feel as if he would vomit. "Hello?" His voice reflected none of his worry, and he hoped that it was unfounded. He had no idea why Sam would be calling him at all. Except… Dean had told him that Sam knew of their affair. Could he finally be truly upset about it enough to threaten to expose them if Cas did not? He had not thought that Sam would be so underhanded, though.
His own thoughts almost prevented him from actually hearing what the younger man was saying. He only caught the end. "… on impact." The words sounded emotionless, but Cas knew that Same was far from it. The colder he sounded, the hotter the emotions inside his chest.
"What?" He asked, hoping he had somehow misheard those two words because they could not mean anything good. There was nothing he could think of that would make Sam use the words 'on impact' that was anything Cas wanted to hear.
"Dean was drunk last night and drove home from the bar. He was driving too fast like an id-" There was silence and Cas could picture Sam clenching his jaw in the same way Dean always did – had. It was one of the few times the physical similarities between the brothers stood out. "He hit some ice and slid off the road. He hit a tree. They say he died on impact."
Cas felt his world stop and then start spinning in the opposite direction. There was no way Dean could be –
He could not have left Cas alone. Dean would not do that.
"The funeral is Monday at noon at New Life." He hung up before he could respond, which was just as well. He had no idea what to say.
He sat there, on the floor, for some length of time. The idea of time was a foreign concept to him. Finally, Meg pulle him out of his numbed shock and pushed him toward the bedroom. She as in her pajamas and there was no light in the windows. It had been before eight when Sam had called. How could he have sat there all day without thinking?
Meredith was already asleep and Cas could not bear the thought of sleeping himself. Meg watched him walk into the bathroom but made no attempt to follow him.
Cas stripped his clothes mechanically and stepped into the spray of the shower before it had completely warmed. The shock of cold water across his skin is probably what broke the numbness that had encased him since the call. Heat in his eyes gave way to tears down his cheeks.
Gradually they came more quickly and forcefully. He sank to the bottom of the stall and pulled his knees up to his chest. With his arms wrapped around his legs, he let out the sobs that were tearing his chest apart. They hurt and did nothing to lessen the hole that had opened inside of him. It was a black hole that just got bigger and bigger with everything it was fed.
At some point, Meg had joined him. Her red silk nightgown was getting wet and so was the bottom of her hair. She had an arm wrapped around Cas and he had no memory of leaning into her shoulder. The tears had finally stopped and he sat blinking and probing the depths of his loss.
"…you loved him." He was having a hard time catching everything anyone said today unless he was making an effort. Cas knew he had to tune in here because there was no telling what Meg had meant by that. "It was why I pushed you to go to that party. You weren't talking to Dean anymore and you were getting depressed about things. You were trying to act excited about Meredith but I could see. You're heart wasn't really here."
His gaze snapped to her face and searched it, hoping to find some clue to what her words had meant.
She gave a soft smile, but Cas could not tell if it was happy or sad. Perhaps she did not know. "I knew, Cas. I've known since the beginning. It took me a minute to figure out exactly who, but I did." She must have been able to read his face better than he could hers, because she reached over and turned off the shower. "Let's go discuss this somewhere more comfortable."
His mind was latching onto this conversation. He thought it might be because it was bound to be a very interesting one, but he also thought it might just be because thinking about this would be better than realizing that Dean was going to be bur-. He cut the thought off and focused on Meg changing and then throwing him pajama pants.
After he pulled them on, he sat on the edge of the bed, carefully far enough away from where Meg sat so that he was not touching her. Then, he set his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. Thankfully, Meg did not make him wait too long. "You kept getting irritated every time your phone went off after your bachelor party. Then you said you had some errands to run and you'd be back soon the Saturday before we left. You took longer than I was expecting you to, but I didn't really think anything of it until that night." Cas knew they had not been intimate. He had not felt like doing so because he could still feel Dean's hands on his skin. "I came into the bathroom while you were getting into the shower. There were bruises on the back of your hip."
"No marks." Neither of them had noticed that Dean had not kept to that command.
"Nothing happened for a while, and so I put it aside. And then you started texting again. I snuck a look at your phone because I was curious and I looked through your texts. I was so angry at first because it seemed like you put so much more effort into talking to him than you did to me, and then I realized you guys talked through song lyrics. Which was weird, but I couldn't really think much else."
"Then you went back, and you kept going back. I was mad about it until I realized you always came back to me at the end of the weekend and you never put him first."
Cas could not help the wince that left his throat at her choice of words. Maybe he would not be here, mourning, if he had put Dean first.
He did not find sleep that night.