The Eight Hour Mystery, an eureka fanfic

Jo Lupo woke up in someone's arms. This wasn't surprising, it was… nice. As she stared at Taggart she of course wondered what the hell this meant. Love… was a possibility, but it was far more likely that this was a happening of a purely carnal nature. Maybe it would happen again, maybe not, but it wasn't anything more. Now she'll actually have something for Confession next Sunday.

That is when Jo realized she been snoozing the alarm. She didn't wake Taggart when she left.

"Jo, it's past 6:30. How unlike you."

Great. The one day she is late Carter is early.

"Your hair is, um, interesting."

Of course she didn't have any time to shower or pull back her hair. She went to the bathroom to wash her face.

"Jo, when you're ready I have something for you to investigate. Some guy on the lake thought he heard animal noises and screaming last night."

"The lake?" Jo tried not to sound like she knew anything about the lake.

"Yeah. Not too many people live out there, but they include," Carter shuffled clear a map on his desk, "our friend Taggart. I figure maybe one of his animal creations got loose."

"Sure. I'll check it out." Jo snapped her gun into her holster.

"And Jo? If you find any bodies, it's probably best to leave them be."

"I have done this before, Carter."

"Okay, what did you hear?" Jo was pretty sure she knew what he heard, but she had to make this look official.

"There was this horrible screeching and thumping around midnight. I couldn't tell where it was coming from exactly, but it was loud." This guy looked pretty uptight, like someone who came up here to find peace and quiet and was unhappy to find that nature is neither peaceful nor quiet, especially at night.

"I bet it was that Taggart," said the uptight Doctor Jones. "He's always experimenting with animals and now is unleashing them into the wild."

"I'll investigate this, sir, thank you for your call." Jo said this as blankly as possible.

"You better, or maybe the next call you get ill be to investigate how I got my throat torn out." The door slammed in Jo's face.

"Damnit," thought Jo as she started to tromp toward Taggart's place. "Can I just blow this guy off? What should I tell Carter? Shit, piss, balls…"

Suddenly she smelled it. The smell that can only come once you've already stepped in it. She lifted up her she and groaned. Then she took a closer look at her surroundings. The torn bushes, the marks on the trees, all the marks of a large animal and not just some loud love-makers.

"Jo to Carter, over."

"kkrrr Yeah Jo. What did you find?"

"I'm gonna need some backup out here, and bring Henry too. We're definitely going to need a second opinion."

By the time Carter and Henry got out there, Jo had scraped most of the feces off her boot. She had to be careful not to disturb the scene.

"Henry, do we get any bears in Eureka?" asked Carter.

"We get an occasional Black Bear, but they wouldn't do this kind of damage. Look at these marks here. They are more like fingernails than claws. All these signs point to human. And look!" Henry bent down and picked up a scrap of cloth. "Part of a T-shrt, not a common item worn by bears."

"Well, now that you have figured that much out," Jo piped up, "I'm gonna go wash off my boot."

"Jo?" called Henry as Jo strode off to the lake. "Make sure you but some of that in an evidence jar so I can take it back to GD for analysis."

"Sure, whatever," muttered Jo, full of relief.

Still, when Jo got back and got Henry and his sample on their way to GD, Carter decide he wanted to go check out Taggart's place.

"After all," he reasoned, "doesn't it sound like something Taggart would do?"
Jo was dreading going back to the cabin. It was a split second decision, inviting Taggart back to her place after their… activity, and that split second was spent noticing that Taggart didn't have a bed but slept in a hammock. She had no idea how they left the place last night.

The door was unlocked, no that Taggart would lock it, and the living space was quite disorganized, not that Taggart would clean it. These were all things Jo reasoned in her head while Carter thought up a different theory.

"He's not here. Maybe he went crazy and ran off into the woods."

"Or he could be at work."

"Naw," said Carter, "his crazy ATV is still here."

Right. He and Jo had taken her truck back to her house.

"This is a bit messier than I would expect—" Something went squelch under Carter's foot. "Oh no. Jo, tell me this isn't what I think it is."

"It's a used condom."

"Oh, great, that is something I never wanted to picture." Carter backed away with his eyes closed. "He's not here, so let's go back to GD and see what Henry's come up with."

"Well, it's definitely human feces, but I was able to extract some blood from it—"

"Henry, gross. Couldn't you have gotten an intern to do that?"

"Very funny Jack. The point is that the blood I found was ursine."

"Ursine meaning like—"

"Like a bear. This person had bear DNA in them."

"Woah woah," said Carter. "Are we talking were-bear?"

"Unlikely. The DNA wasn't very strong, and I doubt there was any form of transformation."

"But you saw what they did to those trees."

"A body could have been injected with ursine DNA and then rejected it causing insane violence, maybe even death."

"So, would a person do this to himself?"

"What are you saying Jack."

"I dunno. Maybe Taggart wanted to get closer to the animals with a blood transplant or—"

"Guys, it wasn't Taggart," Jo interrupted.

"Really?" asked Carter.

"I was with him last night," said Jo uneasily. "We were out paintballing."

"Yeah," said Carter. "Then he went home and shot up bear blood like it was heroine."

"No, I'm sure he wouldn't do that."

"Jo," said Henry nicely, "he didn't come into work today, he's not answering his phone, and you said you saw his car at his house. Where is he if he's not dying naked in the woods?"

"He probably camped at one of his usual hideouts after our game. He does that. I know him, and I'll find him." She glared at the way they were looking at her. "Meanwhile, you guys pursue another lead."

The first place Jo checked was her house where she found Taggart, still asleep, in her bed.

"G'day, Jo," he said while rolling over. "Can't go 'alf a day without seeing me?"

"Why aren't you answering your phone?"
"Work doesn't really seem important on a day like today."

"Well, it is important. Some crazy shit went down near your house last night and I'm stuck being your alibi."

Taggart sat up. "Did someone get hurt."

"Someone may be bleeding to death in the woods, but other than that, no. Are you gonna come help me out?"

"Kay," Taggart winked. Then he wrinkled his brow. "D'you know where my pants are?"

On the way back to GD Taggart asked, "D'you regret last night?"

"I regret not thinking about the consequences."

"But is it embarrassing to say you were out with me?"

"Not exactly. What would be embarrassing is having to admit that we didn't hear anything last night because we were having sex too loud."

There was a moment's pause. "I'd understand if you didn't want to see me again."

Jo shrugged. "Jim, who else will I paintball with in this town?"

"Here he is," said Jo, with Taggart tailing behind her. "As you can see, he's not a bear."

"That's nice to know," said Henry."

"Uh, Taggart? Did you have any experiments going on with mixing human and animal blood."

"Hell no, Sheriff. The white blood cells would attack the invading red blood cells and you'd never get a transplant to work."

"Where were you last night?"
"Sleeping in the woods. There's nothin' like restin' under the stars."

"But you didn't hear anything?"

"Nah, I was all the way across town. Jo drove me out there, din' yeh?" Taggart nudged Jo who just glared.

"Okay, we'll rule you out," said Carter. "Happy Jo?"

"If that's all," said Taggart, "I'm goin' to Café Diem for breakfast. I'm in the mood for a shark steak an' eggs. Care to join me?" Taggart wasn't even looking at her, but Jo knew who he was asking.

"No thanks," said Carter. We have to catch a were-bear."

"Or someone who eats bears."

"Excuse me?"

"Take fer instance Dr. Jones who lives 'cross the lake from me. He's got that really rare form of anemia where he constantly needs to intake fresh blood. He grows his own polar bear livers to keep his iron up."

"Did we just move from wear-bear to vampire?"

"Hold on," said Henry as he checked the computer. "Here it says that Dr. Jones is also being treated for Bipolar Schizophrenia and anger management issues, but he hasn't shown up for his weekly therapy in two weeks."

"Aw, now we've been downgraded to psychopath."

"Jo, you saw him this morning. How did he look?"

"Not too good," Jo said with dawning realization. "And he was hiding his hands. One in an oven mitt, one behind the door."

"Great," said Carter. "Let's go pick this guy up and get him some treatment."

"Be careful," said Taggart as the others rushed to the elevator. "Anemia can do crazy stuff to your head."

Catching Dr. Jones was too easy. He had passed out while harvesting another liver. Jo and Carter had got him back to GD and returned to their office all before Zoë had gotten out of school. Jo started the paperwork on this case, but Carter stopped her.

"So Jo," he said smiling, "I think the bigger mystery has yet to be revealed. Where exactly did you pick Taggart up? Was it somewhere near your house, because I noticed you had changed you shoes by the time you got back—"

"Okay, fine!" Jo stood up. "You solved the mystery! Deputy Lupo hooked up with Crazy Taggart. You want to announce it over the PA or should I just go tell Vincent?"

"Come on, Jo, I'm not gonna tell. You just didn't cover your tracks very well. That's not like you."

"I wasn't thinking of that last night. I wasn't thinking of anything at all last night. In fact, it's no wonder we couldn't hear any other screams in the woods."

"Hey, I really didn't need to hear that."

Jo was just being vindictive at this point. "The next place we do it should be here. We've got the cells and the handcuffs, plus! We could leave more used condoms for you to step on!"

"All right, I'm leaving." Carter grabbed his jacket. "I really don't need to be thinking about Taggart's penis."

Jo put on a silly look and a fake dreamy voice. "That's what I've been thinking about all day!"

With one foot out the door Carter turned around. "Black condoms? Really?"

Jo just pointed. "OUT!"

And that was the end of another exciting episode.