I was listening to this song the other day and I realized it would be perfect for a Merthur fic. The song is Blackberry Stone by Laura Marling, and if you haven't heard it you should. Warning! Slash and character death ahead! Basically, Arthur died and Merlin gave up. He leaves Camelot for good and thinks about Arthur. It didn't quite turn out how I wanted, but I think its okay.
Well I own this field, and I wrote this sky, and I have no reason to reason with you.
Merlin, the Prince's servant boy, was long gone. Emerys he was called now, leader of the Druids and court sorcerer of Albion. The Prince was gone too, now he was called King Arthur of Albion, may he rest in peace. He had done it. Merlin had saved Arthur's life time and time again, helped him unite Albion and fix the scars of Uther's reign. He had helped Arthur fulfill his destiny, but Emerys was not done, never done. None of them really had an idea of how hard he worked, how much he did. They saw happy Merlin, ready to help anyone Merlin, Royal sorcerer Merlin Emerys. They saw many sides of him, but never the real Merlin. Only Arthur got to know the real Merlin. He could feel It. He could feel the pull of the Universe, feel the Earth spinning, he knew many things others couldn't dream of, many of them evil. He kept the evil away, he fixed things others didn't know were broken, he held Eternity itself in his hands, and he would continue to do so forever. He was tired. He felt old. And he would continue to do this forever. Without Arthur. No Arthur to argue with, no Arthur to hold, no Arthur to call his.
I'd be sad that I never held your hand as you were lowered, but I'd understand that I'd never let it go. I'd be sad that I never held your hand
as you were lowered, but I'd understand the world does what it does.
The world does what it does. That was what his mother used to tell him whenever things went wrong. The world was a cruel place that was set in its ways. He never got to say goodbye to Arthur. He was devastated when they wouldn't let him. They only let Gwendolyn in the room, the world was not a fair place. If it was then Merlin would have said goodbye, would have hugged Arthur and kissed him one last time. Merlin, not Gwen, the woman who ruled Albion by his side but spent her nights in Sir Lancelot's bed. She held Arthur's hand as he was lowered into the ground, when they covered him, and then she turned and sobbed into Lancelot's chest. Merlin was not allowed to take his lover's hand, it would have been scandalous, disgusting, the name of King Arthur would be ruined forever. People would spread rumours and lies, they would wonder what else Arthur had done. Merlin wouldn't do that, as much as he needed to. But he didn't understand, he couldn't
And you never did learn to let the little things go, and you never did learn to let me be. And you never did learn to let little people grow,
and you never did learn how to see,
That was Arthur. Merllin smiled fondly at the memory and stopped walking. That was Arthur. He never let things go, he always got his way. He meant for the best, he really did, but Arthur didn't realize that not everyone needs saving. Some people can save themselves, they didn't need Arthur. Arthur didn't leave Merlin alone especially, he always knew when Merlin was upset or lying. He always made him talk, made everthing all better, even if Merlin knew it was not. Arthur never did learn to see did he? To really see. He was always oblivious to the most obvious things. No matter how many times Merlin was proved right. Arthur saw when it really counted, but he never did learn.
But I'll whisper that I love this man, now and for forever, to your soul as it floats out of the window.
To the world that you turned your back on. To the world that never really let you be.
But he never did. Arthur never did turn his back on his people. He continued to make Albion a better place, until his last days, but the world never let him be, did it? King Arthur, Prince Arthur, from birth his life was planned out for him. Straying from the path was never an option for him. Oh, sure, he did change many things, did things that were very unexpected, but in the end he followed the path set out by his father. Arthur was a man of his word, he never turned his back on anyone. Merlin saw Arthur's soul as it left, most people couldn't see things like that, but Merlin wasn't most people. He wished that he could make it come back, He wanted to put it back in his lover's body and pretend he had never died. A life must be given for a life, and Merlin would have gladly given his, but it wouldn't help anything. Arthur would die again soon enough, and without Merlin to protect him the sorcerers who were still trying to take over could easily kill him. Merlin would do it, but even if it seemed otherwise, the world would be a worse place with Arthur instead of Merlin. But Merlin wouldn't forget Arthur. Never. Even when Albion was long gone and the very Earth faded into the sands of time, Merlin would still love Arthur.
And I am lower now, and lower still.
Lower, lower, lower. Nothing made him happy since Arthur died. He just felt worse and worse as the days went on, and then came the anger. Why did Arthur die? Why couldn't he save him? Why were the people smiling? Arthur was dead, gone, didn't they get it? So Merlin left, he packed a few things and traveled as far as he could in a night. He wouldn't go back. He told himself. Never, never, never.
And you did always say that one day I would suffer, you did always say that people get their pay.
You did always say that I was going places, and that you wouldn't have it any other way.
I'm going to kill you, Merlin. You're and idiot, Merlin. One day you're going to get yourself killed, Merlin. I love you, Merlin. These were things that Arthur told Merlin often, he never meant the insults, just like Merlin never meant it when he insulted Arthur. Arthur always said that Merlin could do a lot better than a lover he couldn't even hold hands with in public. That Merlin could rule the whole world if he wanted to. And Merlin could, but he was happy. Oh sure, he wanted Gwen gone, he wanted society to accept them, but that would never happen, and that was the only thing Merlin wanted. Other than that, his life was perfect. Arthur said many things, made many promises, but Merlin knew the only thing he could really truly say was I love you.
But I couldn't turn my back on a world, for what I lack wouldn't let me. But I couldn't turn my back on a worls, for what I like I need it.
And I couldn't turn my back on a world, for what I lack wouldn't let me.
Merlin never had any choice in life. He had to hide his powers, he had to save Arthur. It was always what he had to do. Merlin never got much of a choice. From birth his life was planned out. Long before his birth prophesies spoke of him. His burden was much heavier than Arthur's. He had the entire Universe on his shoulders. He never tirned his back on the world, not be choice like Arthur. No, Merlin wasn't nearly as nice as that. Merlin wasn't a good person like everyone thought. No, Merlin had no choice. If he turned his back on the world everything would fall, he never had a choice. Now he was choosing, Balinor was the last of the Dragonlords, he was very important, but the world got on fine without him. And the world would have to get on without Merlin, at least for some time. He was done with not having a choice, this was his decision.
And I shouldn't turn my back on a sweet smelling blackberry stone.
He shouldn't, but he was. Merlin took one last look at the castle. All he could see was the very top. He turned back and kept walking. And he would keep walking. Until the pain went away a little, until he wasn't quite so angry. Then he would find somewhere to live and he would never turn back. Never.