It didn't hurt that much, Dave supposed.
He was sat in the front row, with the perfect view of the both of them.
They looked so happy together, he couldn't be mad at them for being happy.
Rose looked so pretty in that dress.
John looked amazing in that suit...
The Minister just looked happy to be there.
On second thought... it hurt, it hurt horribly, and felt like all of his dreams and his hopes were ripped apart in these single moments, the dense heaviness that came with their departure settled in his stomach and closed up his throat.
It hurt so much.
When they were younger, John and him dated for a while, and it was the happiest time of his life.
Then it had ended, John wasn't happy dating him. It felt like a blow to the gut when he came up to him, all blue eyed and frowning...
"I can't do this anymore Dave! ... I-I don't like you like this, I just didn't want you to feel bad so- I... I just don't want to do this anymore, alright?."
Dave was glad his hands were clasped together, glad he had his shades on and glad that his brother was holding him still.
Otherwise he'd be clenching them into fists so tight his nails would break skin.
Otherwise the tears welling in his eyes wouldn't be hidden.
Otherwise he'd have gotten up and left.
It hurt, his heart ached and his head was spinning, he couldn't think straight and he felt like he was running out of breath all at once.
Dave felt sick from heartbreak, but he knew that John was happier with Rose.
"First, I am required to ask anyone present who knows a reason why these persons may not lawfully marry, to declare it now." The Minister had finished with the welcome and preface while Dave was mulling, and those words brought his attention back.
A reason...?
Dave loved John, and he wanted to be the one in Rose's place.
He wondered if that was a good enough reason, the thought was discarded after a moment.
Stupid. Of course not.
Biting his lip again he stayed silent- just like the rest of the congregation.
The Minister glanced about one final time for any declarations, before seeming to be satisfied, and kept speaking.
"The vows you are about to take are to be made in the presence of God, who is judge of all and knows all the secrets of our hearts; therefore if either of you knows a reason why you may not lawfully marry, you must declare it now."
Dave almost laughed, they had no reasons not to marry each other.
Rose simply shook her head, smiling slightly at John, who stared back, eyes bright with happiness and love.
There was nothing to declare other than "I do" and to slip the rings on, be the happy family they wanted to be and have their children, live in their dream home and live out their lives the way they wanted to. Dave distantly wondered, through the pain that made his mind hazy, if they'd name one of the kids after John's dead father, or Rose's deceased mother.
He wouldn't be surprised.
The Minister continued, " Johnathan Daliah Egbert, will you take Rose Corphelia Fitzergrald Lalonde to be your wife? Will you love her, comfort her, honour and protect her,
and, forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?"
Dave flinched the slightest bit and the hold his brother had on him tightened, and the arm loosely wrapped around his shoulders pulled him slightly closer.
This was the breaking point, as soon as that "I shall" was spoken, it would be over, Dave would never be able to look John in the eye, probably not even Rose.
It was pathetic, he knew but... To watch as the person he loved, loved someone else wholly and completely, watch them grow old together... watching them be together, forever.
To be honest, it would kill him, destroy the rest of his splintered self, but he was already falling apart at the seams so... What did that matter?
It didn't, not to anyone but himself and perhaps his brother
Dave supposed he was already doomed..
John's eyes darted over to Dave and his heart hurt even more.
Dave should've known, that John- even if he invited him, was fully aware that Dave never stopped loving the other.
And that just added to the agony of it all. And all Dave wanted to do was curl up and never look at anyone again, never talk to John or Rose or Jade- he was just going through the motions by now.
And with an almost reverent whisper, John spoke the damning words, eyes lost in the Lalondes.
"I shall." He almost lifted his hand to Rose's face, but stopped at the pastor's slightly raised brow, looking slightly sheepish, John dropped his hand.
Dave turned his head away, shutting his eyes and taking in a ragged breath.
He couldn't do anything now.
The pastor hummed, smiling at the two again. He was the epitome of a cheerful, old priest, a large tome in his hands and a crinkled-eye smile.
Dave wanted to punch the priest, but he knew the man was just happy to see two people wed in his church. It wasn't anyone's fault.
Though, maybe it was his.
If only, if only.
"Rose Corphelia Fitzergrald Lalonde, will you take Johnathan Daliah Egbert to be your husband? Will you love him, comfort him, honour and protect him,
and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you both shall live?"
With a shorter pause the vows continued, with a short glance around, Dave could see other's close or in tears- though he knew it wasn't for the same reason. Though...
Looking at Kanaya, Dave could see the sollen emptiness in her eyes, the perfect makeup and attire almost too neat, Porrim sat beside her, a slight but vindictive look on her face.
Dave supposed he wasn't the only one unhappy with this development.
Kanaya's eyes flickered to Dave's, and she inclined her head gently, looking apologetic before turning away and back to the couple. Hands settled in her lap demurely, Kanaya's eyes slowly slid from the couple down to her lap, and Dave could see her gritting her teeth, glistening tears dripping onto her hands. Porrim leant over to press a kiss to the side of Kanaya's head, and Dave turned away.
He wasn't the only one suffering.
And while he felt guilty, Dave was almost relieved he wasn't the only one.
Dirk shook him slightly, and Dave lifted his head to watch the ceremony again.
Rose's happy, crooked smile widened, dark lips quirking upwards at John's doe-eyed look.
"I shall." Her voice was soft, softer than it had ever been, lacking the cunning wit and snarky barbs she usually spoke with.
It felt wrong, to Dave.
The pastor nodded, and continued on.
"Then, repeat after me." He said to John, and with a nod for confirmation, began. "I, Johnathan Daliah Egbert, take you, Rose Corphelia Fitzergrald Lalonde , to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge you my faith."
And as John repeated those words, Dave slumped against Dirk, his heart throbbed and ached. A hesitant hand rubbing his shoulder in an attempt to comfort him.
He was grateful, for that, at least Dirk was with him.
As John never would be.
Not anymore.
The minister then turned to Rose, asking her to repeat as he had said, but the words were lost to Dave. Everything was muffled and distorted, distantly Dave wondered if this was what it was like to break down. It felt as if he was hearing everything underwater, even the quiet murmurings of Dirk was lost to Dave.
Dreams of old times, dreams of times that never happened- but were perhaps in another life, memories of a happiness long soured. They sank, seeping into Dave's veins, like an icy cold spreading through him, leaving him painfully numb.
And with that, his hope's faltering light..
Blinked out.
A few moments after that, Dave suddenly came to attention to the fact Dirk was tugging him out to the next room, following the crowd that was filtering out.
He tugged his arm out of his hold, plastering a weak smile- more a grimace than anything else, to his face, and directed it at Dirk's unimpressed expression.
"I'll be fine... I just- I'm gonna go home, ok?" Dave sighed, voice quiet, meek. His throat hurt, and Dave could vividly remember the sobbing. The draining emotional turmoil that rubbed his throat raw with the quiet, choked noises of grief.
Dirk's lips twitch a hairs length downwards, but he nodded, patting Dave on the shoulder, his older brother watched with a grave face as Dave practically fled, pushing other people out of the way gently as he ran for the door.
Dirk turned away from the scene, making his way to the Maryams, where Jake was sat along with the Serkets, he didn't know if his little brother was going to be alright.
But, Dirk always knew when hearts were broken beyond repair.
Dave walked quite quickly down the street, breaths starting to come more and more quickly, panicked and shallow. His eyes were fixed on the pavement beneath him, and the clenching feeling of his chest had just started to feel worse and worse.
It felt like someone was strangling him, he could barely breathe.
But something froze Dave in his steps.
"Dave!" It was quiet, at first.
But recognizable.
"DAVE! WAIT UP! DAVE!" It got louder.
Dave's eyes widened, and hope burst in his chest, burning brightly for the first time in months.
John.
What... what was it? Maybe..
Just maybe..
"DAAAVE!" Closer.
Dave turned, lifting his head to look up at John, who was running full pelt over to him, slightly red-faced.
He almost started to smile.
John slowed to a stop, leaning forwards to catch his breath, supporting himself on his knees and panting.
There was something in John's hand, and Dave looked, trying to ignore the shine of the ring on his finger.
Then John straightened, and with a slightly uncomfortable look on his face, held out something to Dave.
Dave's stomach dropped.
Oh.
"Your phone, you uh..." John took another breath in, still slightly winded. "You left it at the pews."
Dave couldn't bring himself to talk, shakily reaching out.
Taking the phone with trembling fingers, Dave offered a small, sheepish smile to John- who returned it, albeit unenthusiastically.
Laughing nervously, emptily, Dave pocketed the phone. "Sorry, Egbert." He hadn't called him Egbert in a while...
"It's fine..." John glanced back at the church. "I- well, I've gotta... go." John gestured to the church, and without waiting for a reply, started to jog back.
Dave stood there, for a while.
Before dropping to his knees, harsh sobs wracking him.
The hope died out again.
Snuffed out for the final time.
And between his sobs Dave could only think.
Could only know
Dave would never find joy in wedding bells.
For what joy was there in love lost to them?
Hands covering his face, shades left at his knees.
Dave knew.
There was none.