Pain. That was the only sensation I could process.
My entire body screamed in agony. My mind was fading in and out, coaxing me into the depths of sleep. The pain tormented me — but it was all that kept me alive.
I opened my eyes, and even that seemed to sap all my strength.
Broken.
There was a tremendous pressure on my chest. My half-conscious mind reminded me it a wooden pillar. A mass of slate and debris was crushing me downwards.
Why was everything so messed up?
How long had I been there for?
Explosions erupted from the distance.
Mikasa and Armin. Where were they?
They had been luring Annie, no, the Female Titan in.
Then the ceiling collapsed. No, the Female Titan had stepped on me. Crushing me beneath the rubble.
…
I thought I heard Armin's voice. And Jean — had I been hallucinating?
What was I anymore? I was better off dead.
If you have to defeat all those monsters out there, you have to give up everything, even your own humanity. Someone who cannot bear to lose anything cannot change anything, a voice said.
It was right.
I should have known that from the beginning.
Because everything originated from that simple fact. I was just too naive to accept it. And too timid to execute it.
I didn't give up my trust in my comrades when fighting the Female Titan. I had pathetically believed that they could defeat her. And that was the reason why so many brave soldiers died.
I didn't give up my dependence on my friends. Mikasa and Armin may have been dead, for all that I knew.
All because I was weak.
The same thing happened the day the titans attacked.
The sickening crack of human spine. The titan opened its monstrous jaws and placed the lifeless body into its mouth. With half of the body still sticking out, it clamped its jaws shut, with an ensuing explosion of blood.
I couldn't even save my own mother.
Because I wasn't strong enough.
Because of my dependence on others, I was weak.
I was naive.
Stupid.
Idealistic.
I despised myself for causing all those deaths.
But who—what— was responsible for all those in the end?
Titans.
They never should have existed.
Hatred roiled inside me, dark and murderous. Whether it was for the titans or for myself, I didn't care. I had to set things right, if it was the last thing I had to do
Something broke through.
I had to give up everything. My trust in others. My weaknesses. My mercy. Even my human nature. They were nothing to me. They made me weak, and if I had to defeat my enemies, I had to give up all my weaknesses, give up everything I cared about.
I couldn't let anything hold me back.
All that dark emotions gave me a burst of renewed strength as I began pushing myself up. Pain wouldn't hold me back. I had to get out, I had to fight the Female Titan, I had to destroy all the monsters in the world.
The wooden pillar penetrated my skin. My vision became red and black. I pushed them all aside. Pain was nothing.
There was nothing but revenge. Sweet revenge.
The pillar broke through my already broken rib bones. I could feel them crack. But I didn't care. I urged my body to sit upwards, to pull myself out from that hellhole. Blood squirted out from the ghastly wound, soaking my shirt red. My blood felt warm on my skin.
As if anything could get worse.
I could no longer see. I felt pain beyond imagining. I felt my life flashing before my eyes. It was worse then dying, but somehow wonderful.
Because I felt free. I felt nothing. Nothing was there to protect me, but I was free to do what I wanted, to overcome the physical barriers of pain. It was like a strand of light in a cavern of darkness, prompting me to climb up.
More. I savoured the nausea welling up my gut, the feeling that there was nothing tying me down and keeping me from bloodlust and revenge. I could get out soon. And I could do the thing I was so desperate for. Something I would give up everything for.
I had to kill all the titans.
Purge them from this world.
The pillar was nearly touching my heart.
There was no time to think about right or wrong. I had to do it all now.
My chest felt warm. That moment, I felt like dying. But it felt good, almost euphoric. One more push and there would be freedom. All my weaknesses would be gone for good.
Only one voice spoke in my mind. Kill them all.
There was no happy ending in this world. It was no titans or nothing at all. And to exterminate the titans, I had to give up everything. I had to give up all my compassion, all my weaknesses. I didn't have to try to keep my hands clean, because mercy had no place in that hellish world.
The pillar pierced through my heart.
The moment my heart stopped beating, I really understood what the harsh reality of life.
The world is cruel. There is nowhere for weaklings but hell.
I had to be strong.
I would be the last one standing. All I had to do was to drive the titans to hell. Simple as that.
I screamed. Then lightning appeared all around me.
The pain diminished.
I had to kill them all.