Nico was sitting on the beach, his knees drawn close to his chest, his arms wrapped tightly around them. Four weeks had come and passed since the battle against Gaea, and Nico was happy at Camp Half-Blood.
Or rather, he was happier than before. The things Nico had gone through, the memories he carried, the pain that had astounded even the goddess of misery – these couldn't be forgotten within a few weeks. Or within a lifetime.
And no matter how much fun Nico had with his friends, no matter how soundly he slept or how well he was protected, eventually the memories always came back. On those days, he went off on his own, lying in his bed or wandering through the woods for hours at a time. Piper and Annabeth and the others tried to talk to him, but he would just turn his back and walk away without a word. Some things just had to be done alone. Being in pain was one of them.
Nico stared out across the sea. He felt memories stirring dangerously, down in the deepest caverns of his mind. This was where he had locked up the darkest and most painful thoughts, memories and emotions he intended to shut away forever. Here lingered helplessness and terror, pain, weakness and desperation, loneliness, abandonment and humiliation… and all of these in an intensity only Tartarus could produce. They bided their time, armed and ready, always striving to overcome the barriers Nico had built around them, always waiting for one moment of weakness. And Nico fought, every second of every minute of every day, to keep them in their prison, to forget.
But he didn't forget, and every day the memories weighed more heavily on his mind.
Nico's brooding was interrupted by hand on his shoulder. He tried to shrug it off, but it wouldn't budge.
"Nico." It was Will, of course. Will always seemed to know when Nico was feeling down, and whenever that happened he would follow him around until Nico snarled a sharp rebuke. After that, Will had always respected Nico's desire for solitude.
But now, Will sat down beside Nico, the hand still on his shoulder. Nico ignored him. At least, he tried to.
"Nico," Will said again. "Please. Don't shut yourself away like this. That hurts me too, you know."
Nico didn't reply, but he lowered his eyes to stare at his knees instead of the ocean. Will sighed.
"Nico, won't you at least look at me?"
Nico didn't move. But then, slowly and carefully, he turned his head to look into Will's eyes. Brown into blue.
"You're suffering, Nico," Will said quietly. "You don't have to do that all alone. I'm here, you know. For you."
Nico felt a sudden urge to open his heart to Will. He looked into those calm eyes, blue, sincere and understanding, and knew that if there was anyone in the world he could talk to, anyone at all who would accept and comfort him no matter what he said, it was Will. He trusted him, more than he had ever trusted anyone else before.
With that realisation, thousands of memories welled up in his mind, memories of deception and betrayal, thoughts of abandonment and rebuke. Emotions he must not share with anyone.
Reflexively, Nico jumped up. Will looked at him, hurt and taken aback, but Nico barely noticed as he was already turning away, running off in the direction of the woods.
The woods were his hiding place. The leaves of the tall trees around him protected him from the sun's ruthless glare and offered him the comfort and protection of darkness and shade. There were plenty of ways to make himself invisible, places where he could hide and shadows he could fade into whenever someone came looking. Here, nobody could find him if he didn't want to be found.
Nico sat down between the roots of a gigantic tree and leaned back against the tree trunk. He already regretted hurting Will. The son of Apollo was the first person who had ever been nice to him, or rather, who had given him the feeling of being welcome. Reyna and Percy and Jason and the others were his friends, sure. But Will had been the one who'd made it all possible, the one who had taken him by the scruff of the neck and dragged him out of his isolation. He owed so much to the healer, it really wasn't fair to make him the target of Nico's pain and anger.
But life wasn't fair, and some things were necessary.
With a twinge of unease, Nico remembered how he had been feeling back on the beach, with Will. The tingling in his gut, the lightness in his head, the enhanced awareness of every single one of Will's movements – he knew what it was. He recognized it all, and he didn't like it. After he had 'cleared the air' with Percy, Nico had thought that he was done. He'd had a crush, it had made his life miserable for a long time, and now he was over it. End of story.
But apparently, it wasn't that simple.
Nico scowled. He could almost hear Cupid laughing his head off at his misery. If there was any mythological being that belonged into Tartarus, it was that one. Why couldn't he be just friends with Will? Why did his feelings have to get in the way and complicate things?
He couldn't tell Will he was gay. He'd seen how people – boys – reacted to it, and it wasn't encouraging. Oh, they might smile and pat his back and say it didn't matter to them, and they might continue to nod at him when they passed him, or talk to him the way they used to. But always, he saw the questions in their eyes: Are you in love with me? Do you think I'm hot? If I smile at you, will you think I'm flirting? Guys who had previously insisted on putting their hands on his shoulder or dragging him along by his arm or jostling him playfully the way young men did would now stop doing so, saying, "I thought you didn't like being touched."
He didn't want Will to avoid touching him.
Nico sighed and buried his face in his hands. He should stay away from Will. Hanging on to Percy had caused him a lot more trouble than it was worth, and now, without a waking primordial goddess to distract him, it was bound to be even worse. Will would be mad at him anyway because he'd run away in the middle of a conversation.
And then, of course, there were the memories.
Nico knew that if he didn't leave Camp Half-Blood soon, he would end up telling Will everything. It was just so hard to resist him when he looked at Nico full of trust and understanding and genuine worry, pleading with Nico to tell him what was wrong. Nico knew that if he did, if he shared with Will what he had experienced, the walls of his mental prison would break. And he was afraid.
Tears welled up in his eyes. Going through Tartarus once was one thing. But he never, ever wanted to do it again, be it in flesh or in his mind. The mere thought of having to relive his experiences, of having to face those memories, filled him with icy dread. He knew that one day, sometime, he would have to do it. But not today, he pleaded silently to any gods who were listening. Not yet. He pulled his legs close to his body and buried his face in his hands.
"Nico? Oh, thank the Gods, here you are."
Before Nico could think, before he had the chance to melt into the shadows, warm hands were covering his own, pulling them away from his face. Nico resisted. The voice belonged to the person Nico wanted to see the least right now.
"Come on, Nico, talk to me! Please. How am I supposed to help you if I don't know what's going on?"
Okay, maybe not quite the least. Actually, he longed for the company of Will Solace. Nico only wished the other boy hadn't found him crying.
"Oh, Nico!" Will had finally managed to drag Nico's hands away from his face. "Hey, it's okay. Shh. I'm here. Nico, look at me."
Gentle hands cupped his cheeks and lifted his face. Nico looked up into Will's eyes, light and blue and clouded with compassion and concern. Will wasn't mad at him at all.
A sudden rush of affection overwhelmed Nico. Will had been hurt and insulted, he'd been rebuked and treated unfairly by Nico more often than he dared to remember, because Nico had needed his space. And all the time, Will had understood. He had never been angry or upset. He had never reproached Nico for leaving wordlessly in the middle of a conversation, or refusing to see him for hours. Instead, he had been supportive. He had been nice to Nico, had smiled and comforted him, had followed him everywhere to see if there was nothing at all he could do to help. From the moment Nico had arrived at Camp Half-Blood with the Athena Parthenos, with patience and perseverance Will had done everything he could to make Nico happy. And how had Nico thanked him?
"Ti amo," he burst out before he could stop himself. Then he blushed and looked away. So much for staying away from Will, he thought. So much for not ruining their friendship. So much for not telling Will about his sexuality.
But then, Will didn't speak Italian. Maybe there was a chance… No. Nico gritted his teeth. He was sick of having to hide who he was, sick of cowering so deep inside the closet he could almost see Narnia. He was sick of isolation. He was sick of hurting Will. If his mental walls broke, so be it, he decided. If he had to endure a little more pain to spare Will, that was the least he could do to repay him.
Suddenly determined, Nico looked into Will's eyes again. Immediately he felt his courage fade.
"I'm–" he started, then stopped and tried again. "There's something I– No. You should know that I'm– Well, actually–"
Nico gave up. He just couldn't get the words out. And anyway, what was he doing? This was the effect Will was having on him, making him open up his heart and spill out everything that should never be known to anyone but Nico. He jumped up and turned around, intending to shadow-travel to Camp Jupiter from the nearest available shadow.
A hand stopped him. With a demigod's reflexes, Will had leapt to his feet after Nico and caught his arm. Slowly, he turned Nico around to face him. "I love you too, Nico," he said calmly.
Nico stared at him. He couldn't speak. He couldn't think. The implications of Will's words eluded the grasp of his mind. No one had ever said that to him before. No one had ever looked at him like that before. No one had ever talked to him in that tone.
"You miss out on so many things if you don't tell people stuff," Will said gently. "I can help you, you know."
"You– you can?" Nico asked shakily. Then his mind caught up with what Will was saying. "No," he said, once his senses started to reassemble. "No, Will, you can't. I can't. This is something for me to bear. Alone. I'm sorry. I– "
He stopped when Will pressed his lips against Nico's.
He tensed. His first instinct was to run, to turn around and flee into solitude. He didn't like being touched. He didn't like closeness.
But now, he felt the softness of Will's lips on his. The caress of Will's breath on his cheek sent a shiver down his spine. The warmth of Will's body so close to his own and the emotions he saw on Will's face made his heart stumble. And for the first time in years, the contact made him feel cherished rather than harried, consoled rather than uncomfortable.
With a tiny smile Nico relaxed and started to close his eyes. At that moment Will pulled back and looked at him, taking Nico's face in his hands.
"Don't shut me out," he pleaded earnestly. "It's okay if you don't want to tell me everything. But if you're suffering like that, sharing helps. Really."
Nico stared into Will's eyes and nodded speechlessly. Then he buried his face in the healer's shoulder and cried. And Will held him, his arms wrapped tightly around Nico's fragile body and his face hidden in Nico's black hair.
"You won't ever have to suffer all alone again," he whispered. "I promise."