BAD PAIGE DAY
Disclaimer: I don't own Charmed. That's why this is called fanfiction.net. Spoilers: End of Season 5; conjecture on season 6. Previous Story: All that Remains Next Story: The Ringing Author's Note: A spell creates stereotyped versions of lesbians, elderly people and overweight people as an extreme consequence. Nothing is to be taken as an attack. The Charmed Ones learn the hard ropes and how they have it easy being athletic, beautiful and young heterosexual women after a spell reverses that.
The story was originally called "Bad Dyke Day" but I feared it could be too offensive even if it is a comical story. I just want to give the gay and lesbian community some input into Charmed since about every sub-culture has been included up to date with this exception. Though I think there were two lesbian demons in season 5 - the ones in Lucky Charmed and of course the obviously gay camera man in House Call. But even so, it was done too subtlely as to allow this group input. In later episodes, I'm going to make one of the main characters gay to add a bit of diversity.
Bright red lights flashed deliriously as ladies danced with ladies; hit butts together with other ladies, laughed, drank and had a good time.
However, a pair of greasy feminine hands grasped onto a mug of beer and lifted it to her mouth. She sat there, her face hidden in the darkened parts of the club, as she watched the girls dance.
'Hi,' one of the girls said coming up to her.
'Sit down. Please,' she said seductively. 'Can I buy you a drink?'
'Sure.'
'I had a really lovely time tonight,' the girl said. 'Thank you. Will I see you again?'
'One last time,' she responded.
The girl's disappointment turned to shear terror as a tongue launched out of the mouth of the succubus and swallowed down her throat.
She gasped for air grabbing at the slimy tongue but to no avail. Her hands caved in; her breasts deflated, her eyes popped out and her face turned white while her head shrunk like a preserved, tribal doll.
The woman threw the deflated corpse away with ease.
'Now that's what I call an inflatable,' she said with a fit of laughter.
'Whoa!' Phoebe said. 'He's nice.'
'Yeah,' Paige said disinterestedly. 'Pass us the popcorn, will ya?' Phoebe demanded.
Paige grabbed the bowl clumsily in her fingers and passed it to Phoebe.
'Careful, will ya,' Phoebe cried scooping up a handful.
'Careful yourself, sis,' Piper croaked entering. 'You're going to get fat.'
'Piper, come join us.'
'What are you watching?'
'Kill it before it dies. Phoebe thinks the guy in it is hot!'
'She says that every time she watches.'
'Really?' Paige shuddered.
'Sssshh!' Phoebe cried. 'This is the good bit.'
'Tell us when the bad bit is on,' Paige mumbled.
'Has anybody seen my brush?' Piper asked.
'No!' Phoebe hissed. 'Shut-up.'
'I'm getting forgetful in my old age.'
'And you'll be getting beaten up in your old age if I miss this.'
'You've seen it a thousand times,' Piper croaked.
'Yeah, I know. But I'm trying to make it a thousand-and-one.'
'Piper,' Paige questioned. 'Isn't that your brush stuck in your hair.'
Piper's hands followed Paige's fingers to her head.
'Eck!' Piper cried ripping it out. 'Please don't tell me that's gray hair.'
'It's gray hair,' Phoebe said. 'Now be quiet. Hey!'
'Sorry,' Paige said putting down the remote. 'But I think we should do a little more sisterly talking on a Friday night instead of watching old movies.'
'We need to get you laid,' Phoebe croaked to Paige.
'We need to get you laid,' Paige retorted. 'I've had my fair share of men for a lifetime!'
'People. People,' Piper interjected. 'We all know I need to get laid. For heaven's sake - and I mean that literally - Leo is gone. How do you think I feel?'
Suddenly, the baby monitor sounded with Wyatt's little cries.
'See the trouble sex can get you into?' Paige said.
'That's the reason we had all that sex!' Piper hissed. 'And I'm not so sure if looking for another man is the right thing to do right now. I mean, I'm still married to Leo.'
'Yeah, but honey, you don't know when he'll be coming back,' Phoebe said.
'There's a potion recipe in the book of.'
'Paige,' Piper cried. 'Phoebe and I tried that 5 years ago and it brought disaster.'
'I know. I saw the insanely scribbled cussing under the heading. But I could modify it.'
'No missy Paige,' Piper roared. 'You will leave that spell well enough alone.'
'That sucks,' Paige cried.
'I know,' Phoebe said. 'It was our first backfired spell.'
Phoebe took another mouthful of popcorn.
Piper cried out in shock as Wyatt suddenly orbed from upstairs down into Piper's arms.
Phoebe opened her mouth in gasp and bits of chewed popcorn fell into Paige's lap.
The police took photos of the woman's body.
'Another hate crime?' a young officer asked.
'I don't think so,' Darryl said. 'It looks like this lady had all the air sucked out of her.'
'Sounds supernatural. Freaky,' the other detective said waving his hands and making a ghost noise. 'Looks like a job for our inhouse medium, Lieutenant Morris.'
'Shut-up, Bates!' Darryl then turned his head to the side. 'Though you might have a point.'
'You know, it's strange,' Piper said putting the waffles onto the table. 'I never thought I'd have to worry about getting old. You know, Prue would be there to suffer it before me. And once she died, then I'd have something to worry about.'
'Only she didn't die of old age,' Paige said.
Piper nodded sitting down. 'I always thought that she'd always be there. And because dying wasn't an option for her, I'd always be here.'
Phoebe bounced into the room and put some cream onto a bagel and scoffed it.
'What?' Phoebe said wiping cream off of her lip. 'It's not like I have anybody to live up to. All the men in my life just run away. So what's wrong with a little indulgence.'
'Don't go there,' Piper snorted. 'Damn! There's a gray hair in my syrup.'
'It could only be yours,' Paige said. 'After all, you made breakfast.'
'I was afraid of that. Here I am. Single Mum. Old. Ragged. Going gray without a hope in the world for romance.'
'Leo will come back,' Phoebe said opening her mouth and hitting the trigger on the whipped cream bottle.
'Let's face it,' Piper cried. 'He got promoted. He may never come back. And if he does it'll be to a gray haired old nagging woman who's post-menopausal and terrible in the sack.'
The phone rang.
'Hello,' Phoebe said in a muffled voice. 'Darryl? What? Really? No kidding..okay, I'm sorry. Yeah. Yeah.'
Phoebe hung up slowly. 'Looks like we're on duty.'
'What?' Piper cried. 'It's freakin' Saturday morning.'
'Not for crime. Not for the police. And not for Darryl,' Phoebe said grabbing Paige and Piper by the arms.
'Let's roll.I mean orb,' Piper said raising an arm in salute.
'We aren't even dressed! We're in our PJs,' Paige hissed.
'Right,' Piper said. 'Forgot already.'
'About time you showed up,' Darryl said as the Charmed Ones met him in the alleyway. 'Over there's a body of a woman. Can't identify her though. She could be any age. Thought you might like to take a look.'
'We don't like to,' Piper said. 'But we have to.'
'I know,' Darryl said. 'Saturday mornings. Working. It sucks.'
'Hmm,' Phoebe moaned. 'I forgot what a Saturday actually is thanks to Elise.'
'This is police business,' Bates said.
'They're with me,' Darryl said.
'Oh, yeah. The psychics.'
Phoebe frowned and bent down over the body.
'Looks like the work of some sort of succubus,' Phoebe said.
'What?' Darryl croaked. 'You mean like that sheila with the snake tongue?'
'Yep,' Piper said. 'Later Paige.'
'Whatever it was, sucked her out by shoving something down her throat.'
'This is a lesbian bar,' Darryl said. 'I.'
'Not like that!' Phoebe cried. 'I mean literally sucked her clean out.'
'Why do they do that?' Darryl demanded.
'They're evil,' Paige said. 'Don't try and figure it out.'
'Probably some punishment for a terrible mortal sin,' Piper added. 'We're going to have to do some more research.'
'Now why do people get punished - by good - to hurt innocence,' Darryl said. 'Doesn't make any sense.'
Paige forced a hard, pressed smile and nodded.
'Can you see anything, Phoebe?' Darryl asked.
'Well, the girl's body.'
'I mean premonition?'
'What am I? A coroner?' Phoebe said. 'I'm not exactly keen on prodding a disfigured corpse! 'Tell you what; you get me something from evidence. I might be able to have a look, if you know what I mean.'
Paige orbed her sisters into the attic.
'Okay, guys. Let's rumble. We have a demon to look up. First we find out what it is.'
'We know,' Paige said. 'It's a succubus. Phoebe already said. Remember.'
'Of course I do,' Piper said giving two thumbs up. 'I was just testing you.'
'Hello,' Phoebe said answering her cell. 'Come in early? But Elise.'
'You go,' Paige said. 'We'll be fine.'
'I'll be there,' Phoebe said in defeat.
'Wyatt?' Piper said. 'He's crying.'
'Check up on him. I'll be fine,' Paige said as Piper left the room with Phoebe. 'Finally.'
Paige went through the ingredients and turned the book of shadows open to the page with the love potion.
'Our luck is about to change ladies.'
'What's wrong, Wyatt? Miss your daddy? So does Mummy.'
Piper nursed her baby lovingly. 'That's a good boy. No more orbing, okay?'
She cradled him back towards the attic.
Paige lifted her hand - raised with something in it - and smiled.
'And bang!'
Bang!
The potion bubbled furiously as Paige threw the root in.
'Paige!' Piper cried. 'I thought I told you.'
'Relax, I changed it. Now for the spell.'
'Are you questioning your size,
Is there a tumour in your humour;
Are you getting on a bit,
Do you leave dents when you sit.'
'That's not a spell,' Piper hissed. 'That's Robbie Williams!!!'
Paige smiled holding up the piece of paper which was actually the cover out of Robbie William's CD.
'When there's no love in town,
This new century has gotten witches down.
All the places you have been,
Trying to find a love supreme
Give us a love supreme.'
Paige smiled as the potion exploded and Piper looked at her through slitted eyes.
Suddenly, Paige burped. Then her orange hair grew upwards so that it was short and butchy looking. Her face hardened and her makeup disapperared. Her arms bulged out a little and her hips broadened.
'What the hell!' Paige cried in a deeper voice.
Suddenly, her clothes became leather - a leather jacket that is and jeans.
'So much for that,' Piper said cuddling Wyatt. 'Oh.'
Piper sat Wyatt on the table as she clutched her stomach.
'You included me in this!'
'Kinda.'
Suddenly, Piper's hair turned gray and her skin became softer and hung more loosely to her body. Her back hunched over painfully and Piper moaned.
When she got up, she came face to face with the attic floor mirror and screamed.
'I'm old!'
'Okay, Phoebe,' Elise said. 'We need you for another photo shoot. The masses went wild over your swim-suit addition. You even managed to show off a little flesh.'
'Elise,' Phoebe laughed waving one hands at her and holding a Mars Bar with the other.
Elise smiled and left the office.
'When you come back bring some of that chocolate cake, okay?'
Elise gave her a funny smile and nodded.
'Hey, I can afford it.'
Phoebe grabbed her throat suddenly and started to chock.
Suddenly, her flesh started bubbling and then her arms expanded like tree trunks with slabs of fat hanging off of them.
Her legs likewise bulged outwards and her face became fuller. Phoebe's bust pushed out painfully just shading her enormous girth.
Phoebe screamed.
'Yes,' she heard Elise say. 'She's right in here. Oh, you're going to love her. No, she can definitely get away with eating this cake. Lucky girl.'
Suddenly, the door open and Elise stood there open mouthed with a man.
The mudcake rolled slowly from the paper plate as Elise's eyes fixated on Phoebe.
It slowly tumbled though the air before hitting the ground with a plomp and chocolatey explosion.
Phoebe's eyes watered as she stared at the dead cake.
'Well, I thought she could afford it,' Elise said.
'Reverse this spell,' Piper said breathlessly. 'Now!'
'Don't get your knickers in a knot, girl,' Paige cried. 'I think this is telling us something.'
'Yeah, that we should never let you make potions.again.'
Piper sat down to catch her breath and looked into Wyatt's eyes.
'You bitch,' she said.
'Who yo callin' a bitch, whore,' Paige cried.
'No, no, no,' Phoebe cried throwing herself to the floor and licking up the cake. 'No, no, no.'
'Phoebe,' Elise cried. 'What happened to you?'
'Well, she does have a big bosom,' the man laughed. 'But she's about 200 pounds more than we're looking for.'
He walked off.
'I should have told you to lay off the Mars Bars,' Elise cried. 'Go home before somebody sees you. Here, out the window.'
The window creaked as Elise forced it up and Phoebe started climbing head first out of the first-story window of her office.
Phoebe struggled to get out but got stuck halfway.
'Ooooh,' she cried. 'I can't get through.'
Elise rolled her eyes and picked up a 1-meter ruler from up against the wall and started pocking Phoebe in the butt.
'Ow! Elise!'
'Hurry. Somebody's coming,' Elise said throwing the ruler to the ground.
She then shouldered Phoebe's rear end over and over.
Suddenly, Elise backed up a couple of feet and took charge with her shoulder slamming into Phoebe's rear end.
'Aw!' Phoebe cried when the door suddenly opened.
Elise stood next to the empty window smiling sheepishly.
'Um, where did the frame go?' the secretary asked.
Elise turned around, her eyes wide open.
The window was little more than a square hole in the wall with a bit of splintering cracks snaking from all four angles.
Elise then gave a half smile and shrugged.
Phoebe ran through the garden struggling with the frame that wrapped around her like a Minnie skirt.
'Paige!' she cried. 'Paige!'
Suddenly, this mean, rough looking red-head orbed in with a hard look on her face.
'You rang.'
'Paige?'
'Let's get you home, sweetheart.'
'Paige did this to us,' Piper hissed. 'And now we're suffering the consequences of her love spell.'
'All men are jerks,' Paige croaked. 'I even thought it could bring me yown faith back, ya know, but it jus mades me 'ate 'em more! But I thought it'd give the two of you a chance at the very least.'
'To what?' Piper cried. 'Date my grandfather?'
'Or John Goodman,' Phoebe retorted.
'We'd better get to that all girls' bar quick,' Paige said chewing on some gum. 'Maybe Stuffin Puff can get a premonition off one of da bitches!'
Phoebe frowned.
Crash!
Paige's orbs broke away mid air and Phoebe hurtled into a door knocking it off of its hinges and startling many young punkish girls who were washing their hands in the small tiled room.
'Sorry.'
Paige struggled to help Phoebe up. 'Let's go somewhere where da whores won't see us.'
'The men's room,' Piper said with effort.
'Ya said it grandma!'
The girls huddled into the men's room.
'Here's the plan,' Paige said whispering the their ears. 'Psss-psss- psss!
'You're not saying anything,' Phoebe growled. 'Just pssss!'
'Who's pissed?' Piper shouted loudly.
'Well, I don't exactly have a plan. Do I?'
'Let's see what the bartender knows,' Piper suggested.
'Good idea; do I smell diarrhea.'
'No more rhyming!' Piper roared.
The girls sat at the bar and Paige made eye contact with a hot blonde sitting on the next stool up between two vacant ones.
Paige gave her kissing motion with her lips and the other girl smiled.
But then Paige's eyes followed to a passing Brunette's arse.
'Did you see that?' Phoebe said. 'Paige just checked that gal out.'
'Check out the asses on that one,' two nasty ladies laughed as they passed Phoebe.
'And now they're checking out mine!'
'What!' Piper shouted.
'Never mind.'
'OMG! Paige is a lesbian!' Piper screamed.
'Well duh, Grandma,' the barmaid said. 'Why else would ya be 'ere.'
'But why is she a stereotyped lesbian; I a stereotyped fat woman and you a..just an old person.'
'Because it's one of those extremist spells that takes thing to the extreme,' Piper hissed. 'Because Paige.'
She turned to the seat next to Phoebe where Paige was sitting but it was empty.
'.is gone.'
'She has?' Phoebe asked.
'If you weren't so busy stuffing your face, you'd have noticed,' Piper said.
'I'm not stuffing my face.'
'You're eating a hotdog right now!'
Phoebe screamed and threw the hotdog over her shoulder.
'NO,' Piper cried. 'Paige? Paige in a cage?'
Paige was dancing on the floor in one of those stripper cages but she wasn't stripping.
'I thought you said no more rhyming.'
'That's it!'
Psssdt!
The whole dance floor froze minus the sisters. The bar froze. Everything froze.
'What,' Paige cried realising the music was muted and the lights no longer rotating in their rainbow of colours.
'You need to get your ass here!' Piper cried before going into a coughing fit. 'Come here so I don't need to shout.'
'Least our powers still work,' Phoebe said. 'Even if they are channeled through a frail shell.'
'Who you calling frail?' Paige demanded grabbing a bottle and smashing it over the counter.
'Um, I was calling Piper that.'
'Oh, then,' Paige went to hand it to Piper and then turned towards Phoebe. 'Come to think of it, she's too frail. You take it and show her who's frail.'
Paige plunged it into Phoebe's fist.
Phoebe gasped.
'I just saw.the barmaid being taken home by the succubus.'
'Then we'd best keep an eye out on her.'
Suddenly, the sisters all disappeared in a blink of blue light and reappeared in the men's room next to a man.
He smiled showing crooked yellow teeth.
'You should keep well enough away from our operations witch!'
He then threw an energy bolt and Paige had to push Piper out of the way.
Piper struggled up, threw up her hands, and blew up the urinal.
The demon cried out angrily as the water gushed in on him.
'I could see better when I was blind!' Piper screamed.
'We'll get your cataracts removed later,' Paige said. 'Right now it's time to rumble.'
Paige lunged at the demon and punched him in the face. She then grabbed him by the arm and twisted it over her shoulder.
He cried out in pain and fury as he hit the clean tiles.
Phoebe gasped as the demon grabbed onto her ankle - or at least tried to get his hand around as much of it as possible.
Phoebe tried to lift her leg to kick him but it was too heavy. He climbed up using Phoebe as support and turned away from her. Phoebe tried to punch him but she lost her balance and the demon's eyes almost popped open as he saw Phoebe falling towards him.
Crash!
Phoebe landed on top of the demon and he flipped like a fish out of water trying to get up. But he was being crushed. Phoebe was also panicking that she couldn't get up.
'No!' Phoebe cried.
'Yes,' Paige shrieked running towards the demon and grabbing him by the hair in an attempt to pull him out from under Phoebe.
'I don't care how old I am,' Piper cried. 'I still have a responsibility to my sisters. That's why they call me the eldest.'
Piper ran over to help but slipped on the tiles and went crashing into the large urinal, hitting her head hard and falling unconscious.
Suddenly, her unconscious body morphed back into young Piper.
'What the hell is going on in here?' a woman demanded peering in.
'What the hell is going on out there?' Paige smiled looking at the sexy woman who was dressed in hot attire.
'Piper!' Phoebe cried stepping heavily on the demon's face and running over to her. 'I'm so sorry. If only I had taken more care of my health I would have been able to.'
Suddenly, Phoebe deflated and her body appeared young, slim and vibrant again.
'I'm back to normal. That's it! Piper learnt her lesson and so did I. Now Paige.Paige?'
But Paige was nowhere to be found save for the swinging door.
In a flash of white dancing lights, Phoebe teleported - via a spell - into the manor struggling to hold up Piper's body. She then lay Piper lovingly down on the couch and caressed her face.
'I swear I'll fix this.'
The barmaid gave Paige a dirty look as she disappeared outside the bar with the other girl on her arm.
Paige smirked.
They went outside and the woman turned to her and smiled.
Paige smiled back still chewing on gum.
Paige then grabbed her by the face and kissed her.
'Yum,' Paige said.
'The woman smiled. 'You are truly the one.'
'I should hope so,' Paige said grabbing her again.
Suddenly, as their lips touched again, Paige felt a shiver.
Her hair grew long and outwards, her skin became smoother and her face appeared laden with make-up.
'What the hell.'
'I can explain. I'm sorry,' Paige said. 'Yuck.'
The woman's eyes glowed red for a brief second and then she morphed into a hideous monster. 'You betrayed me.'
'I guess I learnt my lesson,' Paige said before screaming as a huge tongue came for her.
A big tongue tried to get down Paige's throat but she kept dodging it. She looked over at the ground and saw a broken bottle.
'Who you calling a betrayer!' Paige screamed before placing at her hand. 'Glass.'
The largest shard from the wreck of glass orbed into her hand.
'A witch?' the creature mumbled with its tongue hanging out.
'Too right,' Paige said thrusting the glass in an attempt to pierce her attacker's weapon.
The creature cried out as her tongue played hopscotch with Paige's shard of glass.
'Aaaaahhh!'
Paige impaled her tongue to the ground with the piece of glass. 'I can still be sassy and dangerous,' Paige smiled.
Suddenly, Phoebe appeared in a flash of white orbs.
The succubus retracted it as it wiggled and flopped like a snake's forked tongue.
'Powers that be
I call on thee
To make this succubus
Disappear!'
The creature screamed as flames started surrounding it and then it exploded.
'Am I ever glad you showed up.'
'C'mon Miss Hetero,' Phoebe said. 'We have to get to the manor ASAP.'
Paige and Phoebe orbed into the manor where Piper sat still unconscious.
'OMG! I can't believe I just left her,' Paige said.
'It's okay. You were under a spell. Your spell. Hurry.'
'What if I can't?'
'You have to.'
Paige learn over Piper's body and put her hand over her head.
Hot tears streamed down Paige's face and suddenly her hand started glowing yellow.
She felt the warmth leave her hand and enter into Piper's forehead.
Piper's eyes suddenly sprung open but looked blankly.
'Leo?'
'No, honey,' Paige said. 'It's just me. But we promised we'd get those cataracts removed.'
Piper laughed. 'So I'm young again,' she said wiping her eyes. 'And you're straight?'
Paige nodded smiling. 'I know that love hurts and that men and women both play equal roles in that pain. We're not faultless. That was my lesson.'
'So, are you back on our team?' Piper smirked.
Paige nodded. 'I think so. I mean, the thought of being with a woman now.it just doesn't click. All I can seem to think about are men. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay.it was just never meant for me. I can't help being straight and getting stuck with men anymore than gay people can help being attracted to the same sex. Spells can't change that.'
'Not without consequences,' Piper added.
'Elise?' Phoebe said walking up towards her. 'Good news.'
Phoebe flirted her body.
'Wow! I'd really like to know your diet,' Elise said.
'Fast metabolism,' Phoebe replied sheepishly. 'Shall we do the shoot?'
'Fabulous,' the man cried as he took another shot of beautiful Phoebe Halliwell. 'Great!'
Phoebe suddenly looked sadly at the ground.
'Are you alright missy?'
'Yeah, it's just that.the only reason you're filming me is because I'm slim. But what chance does an average woman have?'
'You are an average woman.'
'No, I'm a beautiful girl blessed with a beautiful body. I'm up there. I know that. But, in reality, I'm a minority.'
'And a rarity,' the man continued. 'Which is why you're so valuable. You're a hot, young heterosexual babe and that's what we're looking for for the cover.'
'That's what I was afraid of,' Phoebe said to herself almost losing the mood. 'That's what I was afraid of.'
Disclaimer: I don't own Charmed. That's why this is called fanfiction.net. Spoilers: End of Season 5; conjecture on season 6. Previous Story: All that Remains Next Story: The Ringing Author's Note: A spell creates stereotyped versions of lesbians, elderly people and overweight people as an extreme consequence. Nothing is to be taken as an attack. The Charmed Ones learn the hard ropes and how they have it easy being athletic, beautiful and young heterosexual women after a spell reverses that.
The story was originally called "Bad Dyke Day" but I feared it could be too offensive even if it is a comical story. I just want to give the gay and lesbian community some input into Charmed since about every sub-culture has been included up to date with this exception. Though I think there were two lesbian demons in season 5 - the ones in Lucky Charmed and of course the obviously gay camera man in House Call. But even so, it was done too subtlely as to allow this group input. In later episodes, I'm going to make one of the main characters gay to add a bit of diversity.
Bright red lights flashed deliriously as ladies danced with ladies; hit butts together with other ladies, laughed, drank and had a good time.
However, a pair of greasy feminine hands grasped onto a mug of beer and lifted it to her mouth. She sat there, her face hidden in the darkened parts of the club, as she watched the girls dance.
'Hi,' one of the girls said coming up to her.
'Sit down. Please,' she said seductively. 'Can I buy you a drink?'
'Sure.'
'I had a really lovely time tonight,' the girl said. 'Thank you. Will I see you again?'
'One last time,' she responded.
The girl's disappointment turned to shear terror as a tongue launched out of the mouth of the succubus and swallowed down her throat.
She gasped for air grabbing at the slimy tongue but to no avail. Her hands caved in; her breasts deflated, her eyes popped out and her face turned white while her head shrunk like a preserved, tribal doll.
The woman threw the deflated corpse away with ease.
'Now that's what I call an inflatable,' she said with a fit of laughter.
'Whoa!' Phoebe said. 'He's nice.'
'Yeah,' Paige said disinterestedly. 'Pass us the popcorn, will ya?' Phoebe demanded.
Paige grabbed the bowl clumsily in her fingers and passed it to Phoebe.
'Careful, will ya,' Phoebe cried scooping up a handful.
'Careful yourself, sis,' Piper croaked entering. 'You're going to get fat.'
'Piper, come join us.'
'What are you watching?'
'Kill it before it dies. Phoebe thinks the guy in it is hot!'
'She says that every time she watches.'
'Really?' Paige shuddered.
'Sssshh!' Phoebe cried. 'This is the good bit.'
'Tell us when the bad bit is on,' Paige mumbled.
'Has anybody seen my brush?' Piper asked.
'No!' Phoebe hissed. 'Shut-up.'
'I'm getting forgetful in my old age.'
'And you'll be getting beaten up in your old age if I miss this.'
'You've seen it a thousand times,' Piper croaked.
'Yeah, I know. But I'm trying to make it a thousand-and-one.'
'Piper,' Paige questioned. 'Isn't that your brush stuck in your hair.'
Piper's hands followed Paige's fingers to her head.
'Eck!' Piper cried ripping it out. 'Please don't tell me that's gray hair.'
'It's gray hair,' Phoebe said. 'Now be quiet. Hey!'
'Sorry,' Paige said putting down the remote. 'But I think we should do a little more sisterly talking on a Friday night instead of watching old movies.'
'We need to get you laid,' Phoebe croaked to Paige.
'We need to get you laid,' Paige retorted. 'I've had my fair share of men for a lifetime!'
'People. People,' Piper interjected. 'We all know I need to get laid. For heaven's sake - and I mean that literally - Leo is gone. How do you think I feel?'
Suddenly, the baby monitor sounded with Wyatt's little cries.
'See the trouble sex can get you into?' Paige said.
'That's the reason we had all that sex!' Piper hissed. 'And I'm not so sure if looking for another man is the right thing to do right now. I mean, I'm still married to Leo.'
'Yeah, but honey, you don't know when he'll be coming back,' Phoebe said.
'There's a potion recipe in the book of.'
'Paige,' Piper cried. 'Phoebe and I tried that 5 years ago and it brought disaster.'
'I know. I saw the insanely scribbled cussing under the heading. But I could modify it.'
'No missy Paige,' Piper roared. 'You will leave that spell well enough alone.'
'That sucks,' Paige cried.
'I know,' Phoebe said. 'It was our first backfired spell.'
Phoebe took another mouthful of popcorn.
Piper cried out in shock as Wyatt suddenly orbed from upstairs down into Piper's arms.
Phoebe opened her mouth in gasp and bits of chewed popcorn fell into Paige's lap.
The police took photos of the woman's body.
'Another hate crime?' a young officer asked.
'I don't think so,' Darryl said. 'It looks like this lady had all the air sucked out of her.'
'Sounds supernatural. Freaky,' the other detective said waving his hands and making a ghost noise. 'Looks like a job for our inhouse medium, Lieutenant Morris.'
'Shut-up, Bates!' Darryl then turned his head to the side. 'Though you might have a point.'
'You know, it's strange,' Piper said putting the waffles onto the table. 'I never thought I'd have to worry about getting old. You know, Prue would be there to suffer it before me. And once she died, then I'd have something to worry about.'
'Only she didn't die of old age,' Paige said.
Piper nodded sitting down. 'I always thought that she'd always be there. And because dying wasn't an option for her, I'd always be here.'
Phoebe bounced into the room and put some cream onto a bagel and scoffed it.
'What?' Phoebe said wiping cream off of her lip. 'It's not like I have anybody to live up to. All the men in my life just run away. So what's wrong with a little indulgence.'
'Don't go there,' Piper snorted. 'Damn! There's a gray hair in my syrup.'
'It could only be yours,' Paige said. 'After all, you made breakfast.'
'I was afraid of that. Here I am. Single Mum. Old. Ragged. Going gray without a hope in the world for romance.'
'Leo will come back,' Phoebe said opening her mouth and hitting the trigger on the whipped cream bottle.
'Let's face it,' Piper cried. 'He got promoted. He may never come back. And if he does it'll be to a gray haired old nagging woman who's post-menopausal and terrible in the sack.'
The phone rang.
'Hello,' Phoebe said in a muffled voice. 'Darryl? What? Really? No kidding..okay, I'm sorry. Yeah. Yeah.'
Phoebe hung up slowly. 'Looks like we're on duty.'
'What?' Piper cried. 'It's freakin' Saturday morning.'
'Not for crime. Not for the police. And not for Darryl,' Phoebe said grabbing Paige and Piper by the arms.
'Let's roll.I mean orb,' Piper said raising an arm in salute.
'We aren't even dressed! We're in our PJs,' Paige hissed.
'Right,' Piper said. 'Forgot already.'
'About time you showed up,' Darryl said as the Charmed Ones met him in the alleyway. 'Over there's a body of a woman. Can't identify her though. She could be any age. Thought you might like to take a look.'
'We don't like to,' Piper said. 'But we have to.'
'I know,' Darryl said. 'Saturday mornings. Working. It sucks.'
'Hmm,' Phoebe moaned. 'I forgot what a Saturday actually is thanks to Elise.'
'This is police business,' Bates said.
'They're with me,' Darryl said.
'Oh, yeah. The psychics.'
Phoebe frowned and bent down over the body.
'Looks like the work of some sort of succubus,' Phoebe said.
'What?' Darryl croaked. 'You mean like that sheila with the snake tongue?'
'Yep,' Piper said. 'Later Paige.'
'Whatever it was, sucked her out by shoving something down her throat.'
'This is a lesbian bar,' Darryl said. 'I.'
'Not like that!' Phoebe cried. 'I mean literally sucked her clean out.'
'Why do they do that?' Darryl demanded.
'They're evil,' Paige said. 'Don't try and figure it out.'
'Probably some punishment for a terrible mortal sin,' Piper added. 'We're going to have to do some more research.'
'Now why do people get punished - by good - to hurt innocence,' Darryl said. 'Doesn't make any sense.'
Paige forced a hard, pressed smile and nodded.
'Can you see anything, Phoebe?' Darryl asked.
'Well, the girl's body.'
'I mean premonition?'
'What am I? A coroner?' Phoebe said. 'I'm not exactly keen on prodding a disfigured corpse! 'Tell you what; you get me something from evidence. I might be able to have a look, if you know what I mean.'
Paige orbed her sisters into the attic.
'Okay, guys. Let's rumble. We have a demon to look up. First we find out what it is.'
'We know,' Paige said. 'It's a succubus. Phoebe already said. Remember.'
'Of course I do,' Piper said giving two thumbs up. 'I was just testing you.'
'Hello,' Phoebe said answering her cell. 'Come in early? But Elise.'
'You go,' Paige said. 'We'll be fine.'
'I'll be there,' Phoebe said in defeat.
'Wyatt?' Piper said. 'He's crying.'
'Check up on him. I'll be fine,' Paige said as Piper left the room with Phoebe. 'Finally.'
Paige went through the ingredients and turned the book of shadows open to the page with the love potion.
'Our luck is about to change ladies.'
'What's wrong, Wyatt? Miss your daddy? So does Mummy.'
Piper nursed her baby lovingly. 'That's a good boy. No more orbing, okay?'
She cradled him back towards the attic.
Paige lifted her hand - raised with something in it - and smiled.
'And bang!'
Bang!
The potion bubbled furiously as Paige threw the root in.
'Paige!' Piper cried. 'I thought I told you.'
'Relax, I changed it. Now for the spell.'
'Are you questioning your size,
Is there a tumour in your humour;
Are you getting on a bit,
Do you leave dents when you sit.'
'That's not a spell,' Piper hissed. 'That's Robbie Williams!!!'
Paige smiled holding up the piece of paper which was actually the cover out of Robbie William's CD.
'When there's no love in town,
This new century has gotten witches down.
All the places you have been,
Trying to find a love supreme
Give us a love supreme.'
Paige smiled as the potion exploded and Piper looked at her through slitted eyes.
Suddenly, Paige burped. Then her orange hair grew upwards so that it was short and butchy looking. Her face hardened and her makeup disapperared. Her arms bulged out a little and her hips broadened.
'What the hell!' Paige cried in a deeper voice.
Suddenly, her clothes became leather - a leather jacket that is and jeans.
'So much for that,' Piper said cuddling Wyatt. 'Oh.'
Piper sat Wyatt on the table as she clutched her stomach.
'You included me in this!'
'Kinda.'
Suddenly, Piper's hair turned gray and her skin became softer and hung more loosely to her body. Her back hunched over painfully and Piper moaned.
When she got up, she came face to face with the attic floor mirror and screamed.
'I'm old!'
'Okay, Phoebe,' Elise said. 'We need you for another photo shoot. The masses went wild over your swim-suit addition. You even managed to show off a little flesh.'
'Elise,' Phoebe laughed waving one hands at her and holding a Mars Bar with the other.
Elise smiled and left the office.
'When you come back bring some of that chocolate cake, okay?'
Elise gave her a funny smile and nodded.
'Hey, I can afford it.'
Phoebe grabbed her throat suddenly and started to chock.
Suddenly, her flesh started bubbling and then her arms expanded like tree trunks with slabs of fat hanging off of them.
Her legs likewise bulged outwards and her face became fuller. Phoebe's bust pushed out painfully just shading her enormous girth.
Phoebe screamed.
'Yes,' she heard Elise say. 'She's right in here. Oh, you're going to love her. No, she can definitely get away with eating this cake. Lucky girl.'
Suddenly, the door open and Elise stood there open mouthed with a man.
The mudcake rolled slowly from the paper plate as Elise's eyes fixated on Phoebe.
It slowly tumbled though the air before hitting the ground with a plomp and chocolatey explosion.
Phoebe's eyes watered as she stared at the dead cake.
'Well, I thought she could afford it,' Elise said.
'Reverse this spell,' Piper said breathlessly. 'Now!'
'Don't get your knickers in a knot, girl,' Paige cried. 'I think this is telling us something.'
'Yeah, that we should never let you make potions.again.'
Piper sat down to catch her breath and looked into Wyatt's eyes.
'You bitch,' she said.
'Who yo callin' a bitch, whore,' Paige cried.
'No, no, no,' Phoebe cried throwing herself to the floor and licking up the cake. 'No, no, no.'
'Phoebe,' Elise cried. 'What happened to you?'
'Well, she does have a big bosom,' the man laughed. 'But she's about 200 pounds more than we're looking for.'
He walked off.
'I should have told you to lay off the Mars Bars,' Elise cried. 'Go home before somebody sees you. Here, out the window.'
The window creaked as Elise forced it up and Phoebe started climbing head first out of the first-story window of her office.
Phoebe struggled to get out but got stuck halfway.
'Ooooh,' she cried. 'I can't get through.'
Elise rolled her eyes and picked up a 1-meter ruler from up against the wall and started pocking Phoebe in the butt.
'Ow! Elise!'
'Hurry. Somebody's coming,' Elise said throwing the ruler to the ground.
She then shouldered Phoebe's rear end over and over.
Suddenly, Elise backed up a couple of feet and took charge with her shoulder slamming into Phoebe's rear end.
'Aw!' Phoebe cried when the door suddenly opened.
Elise stood next to the empty window smiling sheepishly.
'Um, where did the frame go?' the secretary asked.
Elise turned around, her eyes wide open.
The window was little more than a square hole in the wall with a bit of splintering cracks snaking from all four angles.
Elise then gave a half smile and shrugged.
Phoebe ran through the garden struggling with the frame that wrapped around her like a Minnie skirt.
'Paige!' she cried. 'Paige!'
Suddenly, this mean, rough looking red-head orbed in with a hard look on her face.
'You rang.'
'Paige?'
'Let's get you home, sweetheart.'
'Paige did this to us,' Piper hissed. 'And now we're suffering the consequences of her love spell.'
'All men are jerks,' Paige croaked. 'I even thought it could bring me yown faith back, ya know, but it jus mades me 'ate 'em more! But I thought it'd give the two of you a chance at the very least.'
'To what?' Piper cried. 'Date my grandfather?'
'Or John Goodman,' Phoebe retorted.
'We'd better get to that all girls' bar quick,' Paige said chewing on some gum. 'Maybe Stuffin Puff can get a premonition off one of da bitches!'
Phoebe frowned.
Crash!
Paige's orbs broke away mid air and Phoebe hurtled into a door knocking it off of its hinges and startling many young punkish girls who were washing their hands in the small tiled room.
'Sorry.'
Paige struggled to help Phoebe up. 'Let's go somewhere where da whores won't see us.'
'The men's room,' Piper said with effort.
'Ya said it grandma!'
The girls huddled into the men's room.
'Here's the plan,' Paige said whispering the their ears. 'Psss-psss- psss!
'You're not saying anything,' Phoebe growled. 'Just pssss!'
'Who's pissed?' Piper shouted loudly.
'Well, I don't exactly have a plan. Do I?'
'Let's see what the bartender knows,' Piper suggested.
'Good idea; do I smell diarrhea.'
'No more rhyming!' Piper roared.
The girls sat at the bar and Paige made eye contact with a hot blonde sitting on the next stool up between two vacant ones.
Paige gave her kissing motion with her lips and the other girl smiled.
But then Paige's eyes followed to a passing Brunette's arse.
'Did you see that?' Phoebe said. 'Paige just checked that gal out.'
'Check out the asses on that one,' two nasty ladies laughed as they passed Phoebe.
'And now they're checking out mine!'
'What!' Piper shouted.
'Never mind.'
'OMG! Paige is a lesbian!' Piper screamed.
'Well duh, Grandma,' the barmaid said. 'Why else would ya be 'ere.'
'But why is she a stereotyped lesbian; I a stereotyped fat woman and you a..just an old person.'
'Because it's one of those extremist spells that takes thing to the extreme,' Piper hissed. 'Because Paige.'
She turned to the seat next to Phoebe where Paige was sitting but it was empty.
'.is gone.'
'She has?' Phoebe asked.
'If you weren't so busy stuffing your face, you'd have noticed,' Piper said.
'I'm not stuffing my face.'
'You're eating a hotdog right now!'
Phoebe screamed and threw the hotdog over her shoulder.
'NO,' Piper cried. 'Paige? Paige in a cage?'
Paige was dancing on the floor in one of those stripper cages but she wasn't stripping.
'I thought you said no more rhyming.'
'That's it!'
Psssdt!
The whole dance floor froze minus the sisters. The bar froze. Everything froze.
'What,' Paige cried realising the music was muted and the lights no longer rotating in their rainbow of colours.
'You need to get your ass here!' Piper cried before going into a coughing fit. 'Come here so I don't need to shout.'
'Least our powers still work,' Phoebe said. 'Even if they are channeled through a frail shell.'
'Who you calling frail?' Paige demanded grabbing a bottle and smashing it over the counter.
'Um, I was calling Piper that.'
'Oh, then,' Paige went to hand it to Piper and then turned towards Phoebe. 'Come to think of it, she's too frail. You take it and show her who's frail.'
Paige plunged it into Phoebe's fist.
Phoebe gasped.
'I just saw.the barmaid being taken home by the succubus.'
'Then we'd best keep an eye out on her.'
Suddenly, the sisters all disappeared in a blink of blue light and reappeared in the men's room next to a man.
He smiled showing crooked yellow teeth.
'You should keep well enough away from our operations witch!'
He then threw an energy bolt and Paige had to push Piper out of the way.
Piper struggled up, threw up her hands, and blew up the urinal.
The demon cried out angrily as the water gushed in on him.
'I could see better when I was blind!' Piper screamed.
'We'll get your cataracts removed later,' Paige said. 'Right now it's time to rumble.'
Paige lunged at the demon and punched him in the face. She then grabbed him by the arm and twisted it over her shoulder.
He cried out in pain and fury as he hit the clean tiles.
Phoebe gasped as the demon grabbed onto her ankle - or at least tried to get his hand around as much of it as possible.
Phoebe tried to lift her leg to kick him but it was too heavy. He climbed up using Phoebe as support and turned away from her. Phoebe tried to punch him but she lost her balance and the demon's eyes almost popped open as he saw Phoebe falling towards him.
Crash!
Phoebe landed on top of the demon and he flipped like a fish out of water trying to get up. But he was being crushed. Phoebe was also panicking that she couldn't get up.
'No!' Phoebe cried.
'Yes,' Paige shrieked running towards the demon and grabbing him by the hair in an attempt to pull him out from under Phoebe.
'I don't care how old I am,' Piper cried. 'I still have a responsibility to my sisters. That's why they call me the eldest.'
Piper ran over to help but slipped on the tiles and went crashing into the large urinal, hitting her head hard and falling unconscious.
Suddenly, her unconscious body morphed back into young Piper.
'What the hell is going on in here?' a woman demanded peering in.
'What the hell is going on out there?' Paige smiled looking at the sexy woman who was dressed in hot attire.
'Piper!' Phoebe cried stepping heavily on the demon's face and running over to her. 'I'm so sorry. If only I had taken more care of my health I would have been able to.'
Suddenly, Phoebe deflated and her body appeared young, slim and vibrant again.
'I'm back to normal. That's it! Piper learnt her lesson and so did I. Now Paige.Paige?'
But Paige was nowhere to be found save for the swinging door.
In a flash of white dancing lights, Phoebe teleported - via a spell - into the manor struggling to hold up Piper's body. She then lay Piper lovingly down on the couch and caressed her face.
'I swear I'll fix this.'
The barmaid gave Paige a dirty look as she disappeared outside the bar with the other girl on her arm.
Paige smirked.
They went outside and the woman turned to her and smiled.
Paige smiled back still chewing on gum.
Paige then grabbed her by the face and kissed her.
'Yum,' Paige said.
'The woman smiled. 'You are truly the one.'
'I should hope so,' Paige said grabbing her again.
Suddenly, as their lips touched again, Paige felt a shiver.
Her hair grew long and outwards, her skin became smoother and her face appeared laden with make-up.
'What the hell.'
'I can explain. I'm sorry,' Paige said. 'Yuck.'
The woman's eyes glowed red for a brief second and then she morphed into a hideous monster. 'You betrayed me.'
'I guess I learnt my lesson,' Paige said before screaming as a huge tongue came for her.
A big tongue tried to get down Paige's throat but she kept dodging it. She looked over at the ground and saw a broken bottle.
'Who you calling a betrayer!' Paige screamed before placing at her hand. 'Glass.'
The largest shard from the wreck of glass orbed into her hand.
'A witch?' the creature mumbled with its tongue hanging out.
'Too right,' Paige said thrusting the glass in an attempt to pierce her attacker's weapon.
The creature cried out as her tongue played hopscotch with Paige's shard of glass.
'Aaaaahhh!'
Paige impaled her tongue to the ground with the piece of glass. 'I can still be sassy and dangerous,' Paige smiled.
Suddenly, Phoebe appeared in a flash of white orbs.
The succubus retracted it as it wiggled and flopped like a snake's forked tongue.
'Powers that be
I call on thee
To make this succubus
Disappear!'
The creature screamed as flames started surrounding it and then it exploded.
'Am I ever glad you showed up.'
'C'mon Miss Hetero,' Phoebe said. 'We have to get to the manor ASAP.'
Paige and Phoebe orbed into the manor where Piper sat still unconscious.
'OMG! I can't believe I just left her,' Paige said.
'It's okay. You were under a spell. Your spell. Hurry.'
'What if I can't?'
'You have to.'
Paige learn over Piper's body and put her hand over her head.
Hot tears streamed down Paige's face and suddenly her hand started glowing yellow.
She felt the warmth leave her hand and enter into Piper's forehead.
Piper's eyes suddenly sprung open but looked blankly.
'Leo?'
'No, honey,' Paige said. 'It's just me. But we promised we'd get those cataracts removed.'
Piper laughed. 'So I'm young again,' she said wiping her eyes. 'And you're straight?'
Paige nodded smiling. 'I know that love hurts and that men and women both play equal roles in that pain. We're not faultless. That was my lesson.'
'So, are you back on our team?' Piper smirked.
Paige nodded. 'I think so. I mean, the thought of being with a woman now.it just doesn't click. All I can seem to think about are men. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay.it was just never meant for me. I can't help being straight and getting stuck with men anymore than gay people can help being attracted to the same sex. Spells can't change that.'
'Not without consequences,' Piper added.
'Elise?' Phoebe said walking up towards her. 'Good news.'
Phoebe flirted her body.
'Wow! I'd really like to know your diet,' Elise said.
'Fast metabolism,' Phoebe replied sheepishly. 'Shall we do the shoot?'
'Fabulous,' the man cried as he took another shot of beautiful Phoebe Halliwell. 'Great!'
Phoebe suddenly looked sadly at the ground.
'Are you alright missy?'
'Yeah, it's just that.the only reason you're filming me is because I'm slim. But what chance does an average woman have?'
'You are an average woman.'
'No, I'm a beautiful girl blessed with a beautiful body. I'm up there. I know that. But, in reality, I'm a minority.'
'And a rarity,' the man continued. 'Which is why you're so valuable. You're a hot, young heterosexual babe and that's what we're looking for for the cover.'
'That's what I was afraid of,' Phoebe said to herself almost losing the mood. 'That's what I was afraid of.'