Beauty From Pain, a kuroshitsuji fanfic

Wowowowowow! I post a story less than 24 hours ago, and my inbox is blowing up! :D Good God, I love you guys! A present is definitely necessary. This fic is dedicated to chookee choco and GAARA 1-4-3 for making my year with their reviews. This is a songfic to "Beauty from Pain" by Superchick featuring Sebastian/Ciel. Standard yaoi warning applies, don't like don't read. Gaah, I feel like I have failed my het pairings by posting so much slash. Ah well, s'all good. Disclaimer: Does not own Kuroshitsuji OR the song. Just the plot bunnies. Without further ado, enjoy!

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive but I feel like I've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

Dreams are certainly all the more demanding when they are not dreams at all, but nightmares. Nightmares are all the more horrific when they are not nightmares at all, but reality.

Since the time of the Phantomhive tragedy, every dream became a nightmare for Ciel, and every nightmare that visited him was tied to reality. Whether it was in the circumstances, the memories, or the feelings behind them, something about them rang with truth. It wasn't that his dreams could predict the future, or even warn him of things to come. Rather, they were insights into his life. Ciel had learned far more about himself within the confines of an unconscious mind than in the open space of an aware one. As a human, he had brushed off most of it as weakness, telling himself dreams could not hurt him.

The nightmares were usually about the tragedy itself, as he ran through hallways in the frustrating slow-motion of dreamers, only to find his parents burning, burning, burning, and the manor crumbling to ashes. Or perhaps it was the months that followed, the torture and abuse at the hands of his enemies. Probing, pushing, invading hands and putrid, greedy, slobbering mouths that were the source of his need for vengeance. The things in these types of nightmares were the memory of reality.

Other times, they were within the circumstance of reality. He would sometimes dream of the burning estate, only it would be his own body that smoldered, trapped beneath a fallen beam as he watched his parents flee without him. The flames would lick and blister, until there was nothing left. Sometimes it would be the missions he and Sebastian had undertook; perhaps his butler was unable to save him from the Italian mafia, or the deranged angel Ashe, or Trancy and Claude's greedy grasp.

But now that he was a demon, his mind was no longer so preoccupied with survival and revenge. His abilities were far superior to any meager human's, and he rarely dreamed of solely memory or circumstantial events, though they were included. Now…now his dreams revealed facets of himself he hadn't known existed within him.

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

The first time was a shock.

It started with Claude having won, a triumphant smirk stretching his face as Sebastian walked away from his young master, never looking back. It ended with Ciel's soundless voice pleading with him to not turn away. He had awoken shivering, vowing to never let his guard down when in the presence of other demons. He learned that he feared Sebastian ever leaving him.

The second type made him angry.

The dream featured Sebastian and Grell kissing passionately in a sickeningly scandalous fashion, clothes in disarray and making Ciel's heart pulse with an ache he couldn't explain. He had the dream many times, though it was not always Grell that Sebastian was with. Sometimes it was Trancy, or the girl from the monastery, or Angela, or nameless and faceless people he had never met. Regardless, it had sent him into a rage and he nearly ordered Sebastian to have no other contact with the world without Ciel there. He learned that he was possessive of his butler and jealous of those who could take his rightful place at Sebastian's side.

The third time aroused him to the point of pain.

This time it was not anyone else who had Sebastian's undivided attention. It was Ciel himself. The debaucheries committed on various surfaces of the small home they had found still made him blush and squeeze his thighs together to keep from having a more attention-grabbing reaction. In his short life as a human, he had rarely felt the stirrings of lust, believing that he was above such petty carnal desires. As a demon, it was practically engraved into his non-existent soul. He learned that he wanted Sebastian's body far more than was probably appropriate.

The fourth scenario gave him a panic attack.

He dreamed that it was not his mother and father than had perished in the fire. They hardly even mattered in this new life. This time...it was someone far more important. He sprinted towards the usual room, but even in his worst human nightmares, he had never felt a sense of dread, and helplessness, and fear such as in these. And when he reached the room, it was not the burning bodies oh his parents that greeted him. It was Sebastian's. His most precious person, his world and life and joy and comfort and his everything sat upon the chair, smiling at him as the flames consumed his figure. Whenever Ciel had this dream, he would awake screaming with agony and sobbing uncontrollably until he could ascertain that Sebstian was alive. He learned that the thing he feared even more than Sebastian leaving, was Sebastian ceasing to exist.

The fifth concept made him laugh in both irony and delight.

He would gaze at his butler as he poured tea, or prepared a meal, or simply smirked at him. The feelings that accompanied the sight of the older demon would render him speechless, basking in the glow he didn't think he could feel as a human, much less as a demon. Though he was surprised that demons could feel such things, he came to terms with it quickly, thinking there could be no worthier being to feel this way for. Sebastian was perfection, after all. He awoke from these dreams with a very soft, genuine smile that he tried to wipe off, but could never quite manage to erase completely. He learned that he loved Sebastian. Loved him very much, indeed.

And last but not least, the sixth dream would do anything and everything to Ciel.

He never knew how to feel when he awoke from this dream. Sometimes it was with the purest of joy, other times the keenest of sorrow, sometimes anger, other times shame. Still others he would feel right and wrong and sideways and forward and backward all at once. Really, the only thing it always did was make Ciel feel.

The entire dream consisted of only three words, reverberating in the meeting of dark and light that Ciel drifted in.

"I love you."

Ciel learned that his own love would never be enough. He wanted Sebastian to love him back.

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

Through each and every dream, the constant was Sebastian. It made sense, no matter how he looked at it, but it didn't make it any less frustrating to be so incredibly close, and yet as far as the East from the West, to the one who meant everything to him.

Since they had been deceived by Hannah and Trancy, their relationship had been…strained. They interacted all the time, but there was always an arm's length between their bodies. Often they would have interesting chats, but never did they discuss their feelings on their forced, eternal bond of master and servant. They did everything, and yet, nothing together.

No one could say Ciel didn't try. Every day was started with a new hope that things would be different. Ciel found it amusing that he had never felt proper human emotions as, well, a human, but felt them tenfold in a demonic form. He would bring up slightly sensitive subjects, only for Sebastian to skillfully manipulate the conversation in a safer direction. He would deliberately touch an arm or hand of his servant, only for it to be surreptitiously shrugged off, like he were too disgusting to touch.

With every rejection, Ciel grew a little more down-hearted, until it got to the point he would not leave his room, or allow Sebastian to enter. The raven tried to reason with him to leave his confinement, but he wouldn't budge. The reasoning turned to wheedling, which went unheeded. For a short while, it became angry insults that shocked Ciel as much as it hurt him. Never had Sebastian spoke to him like this, and Ciel thought that he was finally seeing how the older demon really felt about him. If he'd had a soul to tear apart, it would have been obliterated into unrecognizable pieces with Sebastian's bitter accusations. He didn't hear Sebastian storm away, but he sensed it.

Silence was met with silence for a day or so.

It had been nearly a month that Ciel stayed sequestered in his room. That would be a ridiculous time to some, but for demons, time was meaningless. That month was a second and an eternity—Ciel was inclined to think the latter—until he felt Sebastian's presence once again.

"Bocchan?" came a soft voice from the other side of his door. Ciel's brow furrowed. Was that…regret in the raven's voice? "Bocchan, I…have come to apologize. For my thoughtless words, I mean. I didn't mean any of what I said two days ago. I just…" a tired sigh left the raven's lips. "I do not understand why you're being stubborn. If I have done something wrong, please let me know, but don't sulk in your room like a child. That will not solve anything."

A bitter laugh erupted from Ciel's chest. "You come to apologize, but you still insult me by saying I am a child? You're so amusing, Sebastian. I don't know how to act any other way when all my attempts at being an adult have been brushed off by, ironically, you," he chuckled without mirth.

He could feel Sebastian's aura tense as he said, "I'm afraid I do not understand, Bocchan. When have I brushed you off? We are hardly apart!"

A fist slammed into the pillow beneath his head. "Physically together? Yes. In any way that matters? No," Ciel whispered, knowing Sebastian could hear him perfectly.

Here I am at the end of me
Tryin' to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

There was a long silence from the door, until Sebastian abruptly announced, "I'm sorry to disobey orders, Bocchan, but I am coming in."

Ciel shot up as Sebastian slammed the door open and stepped inside, the doorknob mangled and twisted in his hand from squeezing it so tight. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" Ciel shouted. "How dare—" He was silenced by the look in Sebastian's eyes. The pupils were mere slits and glowed with a swirl of emotion.

"Now listen, Bocchan, and listen well. I am not going to repeat my explanation again, it is far too aggravating to say more than once."

Sebastian sat down on the edge of the bed, looking back at the door, an absent look in his eyes. "You're right. We are together, but not. I do that on purpose, Bocchan."

Ciel's chest constricted, hearing his worst nightmares confirmed in reality. As they always were. "Do you know why, Bocchan? Do you know why I distance myself?" The older demon's hands clenched tightly, heedless of the nails drawing pinpricks of blood. "It's because I can't help myself. I want, so badly I want, to be as close to you as possible. If it were practical, I would merge my very essence with yours, just so I would never have to feel a distance between us. What started out as amusement and hunger for a meal when you were a human grew to affection and even a wishing to have your soul within me forever. But when you became a demon, and could be beside me physically, emotionally, forever, things changed."

Ciel's eyes were wide as Sebastian went on. Never had he felt or seen such intense emotion from the stoic demon.

"It wasn't just a vague notion of affection anymore. I craved everything of you. I want you, Bocchan. And not just in body. I want anything you will give me, no matter how small or meager. Do you know what that means, Bocchan? It means that you own everything I am. I have fallen completely in love with you, and god dammit, I am allowed to feel frightened by that!" he was shouting at this point, Ciel breathless at the confession he had only dreamed he would hear. "Forgive me if I am being cowardly, but I do have a sense of self-preservation. I know that you do not feel so strongly for me. Blessings like that are not bestowed on demons, and for good reason. So if you would like to forget this ever happened, I will be happy to never bring it up again. All I ask is that you stop this stupidity and leave your room." He finally ran out of steam, seeming to collapse in on himself, though it didn't show physically.

Silence stretched for an indeterminable amount of time.

"I don't want to forget."

Sebastian whipped his head to stare at his master, shocked at such a statement.

"I don't want to forget. I won't. You can't—you can't make me!" Ciel yelled, tears streaking down his face as he grasped his butler's lapels and yanked. Their lips crushed against each other, almost violently, Ciel desperately trying to memorize everything before Sebastian grew angry. But the ire didn't come. A throaty moan sounded in low tones and Sebastian's hand came up to grip the younger demon's hair, pressing with need into his mouth. After a few moments, Sebastian seemed to calm slightly, angling them into a slightly softer kiss. Softer didn't mean it had any less intensity.

Their tongues dueled and slid along each other, drinking deeply of the swallowed noises and panting breaths between them. When they broke apart, Sebastian moved his lips to Ciel's throat, biting and marking as Ciel chanted, "I love you, I love you, I love you, Sebastian!" over and over, willing his words to sink into his beloved as truth. They were well received, a deep breath and a light kiss against his collarbone the response that said "I believe you."

"I love you, Ciel."

He choked on a sob at the words, breath catching and hitching as his body was wracked with the most agonizingly beautiful emotions. He leaned back down to taste Sebastian's lips again, falling back when the raven pressed him down into the soft mattress below. This was beyond a dream, beyond reality. It simply was. And that was what they wanted.

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again

The moon rose in the sky, peering through windows and searching for the Sun. A light seemed to glow from within a tiny window of a non-descript house in the middle of a field of blue flowers. Thinking perhaps he had finally found the Sun's hiding place, the Moon shed a beam through the window, onto the bed contained within it. But it was not the Sun. It was two beings, their auras identifying them as creatures of the Underworld, entwined and asleep together. The smaller was on his side, the larger pressed against his back and an arm draped over him. Hands clasped together and fingers intertwined, their breaths were slow and easy, as though content with the world as it was. At peace with their dreams.

The Moon looked thoughtfully at the pair. Perhaps he had not found Sun after all, but the light between the two could almost be said to shine as bright.

It was beautiful indeed.

And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

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